AIBU to consider living directly next to STBXH?

[Twocrabs20]

Have NC’d.

So, I separated from STBXH in late 2019. We have 2 DDs, aged 2 and 4. It was a very unhappy marriage. Some emotional abuse. But largely it was born out of a struggle for me to be treated with equality and I was instead treated like a poorly regarded live in maid / servant; and from his view I believe he would say I was not deferential enough to him as ‘provider’ and as ‘head of household’. The latter being his words.

On a positive note, he is a kind, loving and gentle father to our DDs and since the separation he has been quite good with co-parenting and is making an effort to have a positive relationship with me. Trying not to escalate arguments etc. He hasn’t left me and DDs destitute, and in fact been very generous with financial support, and appears keen to make amends and to provide. A really significant supportive thing he has done since separation is he has moved from one part of the country to the other side, so we can raise our DDs in close proximity of my family where I also have more support.

He still hasn’t told anyone in his family or work that we have separated (they live abroad so easy enough for them not to find out, especially with Covid); which I suspect is born out of his culture and shame associated with divorce / separation, as well as concern for the emotional impact notice of our separation would have on his elderly parents. Whereas I have been open and sought support of all my family and friends re our separation. We haven’t divorced yet and all our finances are still tied together.

We are looking towards the future re co-parenting, and have given some thought about next steps.

So my question is - AIBU to consider living directly next to STBXH?

My reasons for considering this are our girls are so young, it would help our tag-teaming of their care, it would be good for the girls to see us working positively together. We both want to be involved in our DDs lives and be supportive as much as possible.

Has anyone else done this and it worked? Or failed? I’d be really interested to hear of your particular experiences? What happened if either of you started a new relationship? Is it ever ok to live that close to an Ex-H?

I couldn't think of anything worse. And not telling people is strange too. You either need to be separated or together not half and half.

Another consideration is that I don't think a future partner would be very comfortable with the ex living next door.

November 2019?

He's been pretending you are still together to his family for a year and a half?;wow.

If you love where you currently are with a ocean view;you stay put;he can move within a few minutes walk from you.

Living next door to the STBXH gives him hope he can worm his way back into your affections.

My ex lives directly next door to me. Not my choice. He thought it would be a good idea. It's a nightmare. I can't go anywhere or do anything without him watching.
Why oh why the fuck would you want to put yourself in that position.

Absolutely not-too much potential for things to go wrong and lines to be extremely blurred for you all. Leaving aside the difficulties with new partners-imagine if you end up with step or half siblings constantly visiting along with your children. What about if he asks you to babysit on his time, while the children are asleep in his house? Your children’s possessions have the potential to be all over the place which will encourage ex to be in your house-just looking for their school shoes, or favourite book etc…Very hard for the children to be seeing the other parent at odd times but not able to be with them-or you tell them off and they run to daddy. I wouldn’t want to be any closer than a mile personally. Good luck-its better to imagine the worst scenario and being pleasantly surprised if it doesn’t happen than the reverse.

[quote Twocrabs20]@Pinkdelight3

You are correct on so many accounts. While I am aware of complications re new partners - and this is especially a concern - in his case, I’d say good luck to them. And I hope he treats them better than me re doing any proportionate fair share of the household drudgery.

And in my situation, I feel so chastened by this particular past relationship, and one other, I really do think God help me if I chose to get into another relationship. That person would have to be sooooo exceptional, I can hardly believe they exist. I see littered amongst almost all my friends and family such poor quality relationships, I can hardly believe it possible that there be a person I would be prepared to sacrifice my hard-earned freedom for. And also, I am so deep in sleep deprivation and care of 2 young children, I am so weary I can’t imagine the thought of even managing to get out of the house to date. But I suppose there might come a time. That horizon / eventuality however feels right now so very very very distant.[/quote]
The chances of you ever finding that person will be made severely smaller by you living next door to your ex. It's not going to be a fair situation to put anyone in. Why rule it out that way? When you don't really gain anything from living next door to him?

@Viviennemary
You either need to be separated or together not half and half.
Yep, this is definitely a concern.

And re other posters who have mentioned I need to be an example to my DDs- this is also a foremost concern.

Which I suppose - with the benefit of all your thoughts and opinions and suggestions - means I am now fairly persuaded towards same village - but not so close as right next door.

I cannot express enough my gratitude and thanks for you all taking the time to share your thoughts and opinions. It really has been so helpful. And for the ones saying - nightmare - thank you, as it’s good to have a head-wobble and some frank and fearless advice too.

I guess I have been contemplating a possible ocean-view, and thinking it is all so nice that co-parenting is working, that we are both mature adults and can do what is in the best interests of our DDs. And we can now be an example of great co-parenting and cooperation, even if the marriage was terrible. Turning something bad into something good.

But back of my mind has been a remote concern re any new partners, and also, a worry I’ll never escape him. That next door is too close.

The contributions have been the perfect head-wobble and reflective thoughtfulness I have needed

Really glad to hear it and sounds like a wise decision. It's great that co-parenting is going well, but you're yet to get divorced and he's still in this unusual space of not being 'out' about it all, so while I hope it all stays amicable, it's really hard to judge these things yet. Fingers crossed it never goes as bad as many of your separated friends' situations, but the chances are there will be some friction along the way so best to have some safe space to really call your own. The same village is plenty close enough.

A background of emotional abuse and a man who doesn't want to tell his family you have split. No. Don't do it. Ten minutes walk away, great. Next door, don't even think it.

Can I ask - there are 25% of voters right now saying IANBU - is there anything I am missing? Or have overlooked?

I can see and totally understand and get and are largely persuaded by the strong feeling from most posters as to why not - but there are very few who have said why it’s ok. I’d be interested too in those thoughts / experiences.

Can I ask - there are 25% of voters right now saying IANBU - is there anything I am missing? Or have overlooked?

Well, your question is, "AIBU to consider living directly next to STBXH?"

You're not being unreasonable to consider it. But if that 25% mean, "Yeah - great idea! Go for it!", then, yeah, they're not being very forthcoming about their reasons for taking that view....

Oh no don't do it! What happens if he thinks the children are acting up - straight across the street to you! Or sending the children over for food or stuff he has forgotten or something all the time! Or you get another relationship and he sees it in front of him? Or you go out with your girlfriends and maybe get home a little late?

Your life will not be your own. You may as well stay married if he is able to keep tabs on your every second. As long as you are close enough that would do.

I suspect some of the YANBU votes are from people who are not familiar with the mechanics of abuse and have missed the red flags in your posts.

Everyone likes to think an amicable cooperative co parenting is possible without any risk. In principle and in some cases it is a great idea. But in your circumstances, there is risk.

I live close to my ex (about half a mile) for the same reasons, easy to spend more time with kids, but I wouldn’t be any closer.

You need a degree of separation and privacy. Close enough to be helpful, far enough away to be private

OP,

You clever woman to hear what has been written.

That little niggle is your gut.
Your gut is your second brain that gives you a gentle relentless warning that something might not be the best thing for you.

Loads of posters have given great advice.

Respectfully I think because he is presently contributing you are feeling overly grateful.

That he is not presently screwing you over and is sharing the childcare does NOT make him a prince.

He is only doing what he should be doing while he is continuing to mislead his family nearly to years on.

I think an absolute minimum of 10 -15 minutes walk is in YOUR best interests.

You deserve peace and privacy in your new life.

I think peace and privacy is very important and definitely not worth taking ANY chances with.

Again, congratulations on getting away from him with two young children, that must have been very difficult.

Keeping a healthy distance will aid the boundaries you have adopted.

Sorry I’m on the hell no side too.

You just don’t know how the future will go and if there is ever conflict being so close will be difficult. Also how would you manage children coming and going between the houses maybe more than you might want (eg you’ve made dinner for them but they decide to pop to dads for dinner).

I could imagine it might work in one of those amicable, “we’re best friends” type break ups where there hasn’t been abuse or I’ll feeling. How many break ups are like that though.

On the other hand, it’s a great setup for a seventies sitcom.

When I first moved to this part of the world, my DarlingGodfather was delighted that I was in the same part of the world as my cousin (not his son) when he saw it on a map, he said oh, quite a distance then, ( 30 miles and the M25) I replied, close enough for an emergency and far enough away to live our own lives, and I bloody love my cousin.

This is what you need, next door is not the answer.

He might be behaving better now, but you have no idea if he can maintain this. I fear he hopes to get you back or forever keep up a pretense for his family. If you do anything to spoil that pretense, such as date, he may quickly revert to type. It may be a way of maintaining some control over you. Please value your new found independence and chance to be happy. You need some firm boundaries.

Again, thank you for your support and taking time to give guidance and wisdom. I am really touched. It really means so much to me. I have been feeling fairly isolated in my new area as I have moved away from my friends and old support network to be closer to my Mum and Dad. I wish I could make you all some freshly baked strawberry and cream sponge cake with a nice cup of tea to say thank you in person

I have several friends who have done something similar (all American or American/British couples, and in the US, though).

One set just split their house in two when they separated - on uses the side entrance and has the whole downstairs, one uses the front and has the whole upstairs. They built a wall (with a door) to separate the flats. Kids wander between the two but the parents don’t. Kids sleep in the same rooms all the time in the mum’s half of the house. Not sure what happens when mum is out/dad is primary carer, but kids were 10ish when split happened, so probably didn’t need routine supervision in their rooms. Seemed to make sharing care very easy and meant they didn’t have to sell up and buy two places at a point when it would have been financially difficult. Think there have been somewhat bruised feelings/egos when other partners came on the scene, but they don’t seem to have caused any ructions, just adults handling their own disappointment themselves with the odd moan to friends. I’m mainly friends with the mum and she is really pleased with how it’s worked out and claims she and ex are great friends. Kids say it’s great and seem really happy. My kids hangout there sometimes and see nothing odd or stressful about it, but written down it sounds very tv sitcom!

My kids have a classmates where their parents split up, got together with other partners with kids of the same age and have houses on the same estate. So kids from “original” family spend time between the two houses 50/50 with mum & stepdad & stepdad’s kid or dad & stepmum & stepmum’s kid. They do a lot of joint family stuff and all seem to get along. The kids don’t seem super happy to me, but I don’t know them well and it may just be brash American-ness that is not uncommon in some of their classmates anyway. I know all four adults involved to some extent through social things revolving around school. They all claim to like it, they seem to get on well and it does seem very convenient.

Another set of friends the dad took a one bedroom flat on the street that backs onto the original family home. Mum stayed put with kids. So kids could go between places without crossing the road, which was helpful when they were younger, but no one can see who’s going into the other’s place. It made things easier childcare wise (dad came and looked after kids in the original family home when bedtimes overlapped with care) and both parents have great relationships with the kids. I know the mum best. She found it helpful because of the childcare and it made it possible for them to stay put, not disrupt her job etc. There were definite frustrations with him early on. He wasn’t as good at sticking to boundaries as he should have been. She felt a bit overlooked/checked up on and it had been a messy ending (his affair and MH breakdown while she was pregnant) and she would have quite liked to not see him at all for a few years, I think. But now (nearly two decades later) she’s glad she stuck through. Financially and emotionally it was better as after the initial pain, having that support close by was huge and the kids have a great relationship with him and were not stressed by moving between homes much.

So if you’re looking for reasons to do it, I think those experiences have a strong message about it easing childcare and really supporting strong relationships with both parents - if both parents can be mature and put their kids needs first. I didn’t live them though, and people often put a bit of a good front on for the world. If you do it, I think it would be wise to make sure you keep enough of a nest egg somewhere that you could up sticks and move further away if it didn’t work out.

My brother's ex has just moved down the street from my mother.... now there is a set up made in he'll!!

Oh gosh imagine hearing him having sex with a new gf through the wall 😳

Do you really want him to be able to look out of the window and see your future lover going in and out of your house at night? How will that affect his behaviour towards you as coparent the next day?

Don’t do it OP. The same village maybe.

I’m concerned for you. Goven that this is, to most people, an obviously terrible idea, I wonder if the suggestion came from him and if he is seeking ways to control you. He doesn’t seem to have genuinely accepted the separation.