AIBU to consider living directly next to STBXH?

[Twocrabs20]

Have NC’d.

So, I separated from STBXH in late 2019. We have 2 DDs, aged 2 and 4. It was a very unhappy marriage. Some emotional abuse. But largely it was born out of a struggle for me to be treated with equality and I was instead treated like a poorly regarded live in maid / servant; and from his view I believe he would say I was not deferential enough to him as ‘provider’ and as ‘head of household’. The latter being his words.

On a positive note, he is a kind, loving and gentle father to our DDs and since the separation he has been quite good with co-parenting and is making an effort to have a positive relationship with me. Trying not to escalate arguments etc. He hasn’t left me and DDs destitute, and in fact been very generous with financial support, and appears keen to make amends and to provide. A really significant supportive thing he has done since separation is he has moved from one part of the country to the other side, so we can raise our DDs in close proximity of my family where I also have more support.

He still hasn’t told anyone in his family or work that we have separated (they live abroad so easy enough for them not to find out, especially with Covid); which I suspect is born out of his culture and shame associated with divorce / separation, as well as concern for the emotional impact notice of our separation would have on his elderly parents. Whereas I have been open and sought support of all my family and friends re our separation. We haven’t divorced yet and all our finances are still tied together.

We are looking towards the future re co-parenting, and have given some thought about next steps.

So my question is - AIBU to consider living directly next to STBXH?

My reasons for considering this are our girls are so young, it would help our tag-teaming of their care, it would be good for the girls to see us working positively together. We both want to be involved in our DDs lives and be supportive as much as possible.

Has anyone else done this and it worked? Or failed? I’d be really interested to hear of your particular experiences? What happened if either of you started a new relationship? Is it ever ok to live that close to an Ex-H?

Honestly OP, I would only do this if the split had been 100% amicable and not one shadow of a suggestion of abuse or overbearing patriarchal behaviour.

Your Dc need an ongoing relationship but you need freedom to establish your new life. In due course you will be interested in a new relationship. Who wants to live or visit next door to their partner’s ex?

Live near him, for sure. But not within view.

You have no idea how things will be once (if ever) he tells his family. It is pretty weird that he has not, even given distance and COVID. He is keeping up a pretence. Which should tell you something.

It is a risk you don’t need to take for benefits you can get without the risk.

My instinct is to say a leopard doesn't change his spots.

Who's idea was it to live next door? If it was his I'd be wary. He could be putting on an act while things are in limbo and once you've settled in next door he could be back to his old ways.

I think it's too risky. He's shown lack of respect and that he is capable of abuse he isn't honest with his own family and probably himself. I'd want my own safe space and clearer boundaries.

I think the fact he emotionally abused you should deter you from doing this. He could continue to try to control you & make life difficult.

I think @billy1966 is quite likely to be spot on with that post.

I’ve certainly seen similar arrangements work well, but (1) after amicable divorces without emotional abuse in the marriage, and (2) not directly next door, but a couple of roads away, enough for the parents to develop their own lives without feeling observed.

And even then, in one of those cases, it did turn into a situation in which the lazy, passive ex-husband, who was supposed to have 50/50 residence of the three children, ended up essentially opting out by strategic incompetence, so that when he proved incapable of cooking dinner or doing laundry, the children would understandably default back to their mother in the marital home, and suddenly he’s having them EOW rather than 50% of the time.

Same town instead? Close enough for kids to walk when they are old enough?

Have you had a relationship since the split OP? That's when the fun really starts.

Why does he need to be a neighbour? Why not out of sight as others have said.

You think he'll be fine but wait until he sees your DC in the company of another man - emotional abusers cannot handle that.

God no.

Personally I am deeply sceptical about how this kind of entwined co-parenting is held up as the gold standard of post-divorce child rearing.

Children need to see clear, straightforward and unambiguous relationships being modelled by their parents, with poor behaviour on either side being called to account. Your ex was abusive to you, yet you want to live next door to him? I think that sends a horribly mixed message to your daughters. How could they possibly understand why you split up in the first place? They may spend their childhoods hoping that you will get back together.

Polite and civil relations is all that is required immediately after a split. I do think that a closer relationship between exes can evolve healthily over time (and I mean years), but that needs to grow organically following a clean initial break.

has he changed his view on the role of women? Will you be happy if he teaches your children his views? The way you say the abuse was "largely born out of my struggle for me to be treated with equality" is a HUGE red flag to me. and, excuse me, I think you are being far too trusting. Do Not Do This.

I’d say bad idea. It could all change, that’s the problem. He’s already shown you what kind of man he is, a leopard never changes its spots

Also if you both want successful future relationships I think you’d need to have a bit of independence from each other, no way I’d like to live next to my husbands ex no matter how nice she was...and you say it wouldn’t bother you, but you don’t know how it will feel like to see her every day, see her around your children, set up a life together that doesn’t slot with yours anymore, if they go on to have more children. Don’t do it to yourself.

I think it’s a bad idea. He doesn’t sound like he really accepts it over, I mean he is pretending to family you are together, your finances are still tied together. You haven’t fully separated and when you do, I think he may not be so reasonable.

As others have said, it will become more difficult when you enter into another relationship.

@Overdueanamechange

When his family find out and come to visit, are they likely to turn on you?

I’m not sure. I don’t think so. I think they would be mature about it. I imagine they would try and patch things up; which I wouldn’t entertain any discussion about. I think ultimately they would be respectful of me as DDs mother, especially as I am encouraging of their relationship with DDs. I think deep down they know their son hasn’t been easy to live with, but also has a good heart - even if his actions towards me at times have been very disappointing / unacceptable (though they have no insight of this), but gets overwhelmed. His views re women picking up most of the slack in the home though, no doubt come from his culture. And are a product of an example they demonstrated.

My ex was nice as pie for a good few months after we split up. Super accommodating with childcare.
It meant I was lulled into eg sharing my Google calendar.
He just used it all to work out how to cause maximum havoc.

He morphed back into an abusive man and has remained that way nearly a decade on.

I think it's like the honeymoon period at the start of an abusive relationship. Lovebombing etc and grand gestures. Very performative.

It makes sense to want to believe it's sincere but honestly I would be very surprised.

My Mum’s best friend met someone from a town about 100 miles away after her divorce and subsequently made the decision to move to said town with her 2 DC from previous marriage. She remarried and had another child, all good. Then ex husband decided to also move to the same town, two doors down on the same street with his new partner. I can’t quite fathom why anyone would want to be neighbours with their ex, it sounds like literal hell.

It’s early days for you, I’m guessing eventually you both will want to move on and date new people. Imagine bringing a new guy around knowing your ex is right next door. It’s so weird.

My close friend does something similar.
The D.C. are very happy with the arrangement.
But sometimes it gets on her nerves. Like she feels she has to invite him to Xmas lunch etc when she’d rather not.
That said, better this way that warring exes.

Imagine if you were the new date in this scenario. ie you meet a new man who lives next door to his ex and they are still very intertwined in their lives.

You have painted two very different pictures of your ex. The one where he is abusive and domineering and then a version of him now where is is supportive and helpful. I wonder what he is really like?

I wouldn't. Living within walking distance, but not next door, would still enable you to co-parent easily and your children can walk between houses etc when they're older.

If you weigh up the benefits (it's easy for your children to see you both without travelling) Vs potential risks (new relationships being affected, controlling behaviour, judging each others lifestyle etc) from being right next door, I don't think it is worth it.

@billy1966

I think the truth is that ...
A. He didn't actually believe you would leave.
B. He is mortified.
C. He desperately doesn't want his family to know.
D. He thinks that if he suddenly behaves with decency that he can live near you and maintain a facade of the marriage continuing.
I don't think he has changed for YOU at all.
I think he has adapted his behaviour out of mortification that the marriage has broken up and his desperation that his family remain ignorant.

A. I agree. This was my third and final attempt to leave. But I finally did it. Lundy Bancroft’s book helped me be decisive and stop introspecting as to how I was failing personally.
B. I agree.
C. I agree.
D. I agree too. But ultimately my concern is, regardless of his motivations, is to do whatever is best for myself and my DDs.

I don’t really see any benefit compared to being a couple of streets away, but lots of potential issues.

There are two types of people in the world:-

Those who are capable of abusing a spouse and those who are not.

Those who are capable are essentially “missing a bit” of their personality. Empathy or common human decency or something. They can fake it - sometimes for months or even years - but it is still missing.

[quote Twocrabs20]@therocinante

I'd be concerned that your ex would still try and exert control over you/try and use you as a maid etc. Do you think he's capable of not expecting you to drop everything and go and help him out whenever he wants?

Since separation I have totally emotionally withdrawn and do nothing to help him re the drudge work of living etc. frankly I have my hands full with raising 2 young DDs with such high care needs given their relative ages.

We have a better co-parenting arrangement / relationship now re he knows he can’t just dump on me all the house stuff like he used to, and knows I will only do support re the girls care. My sense is he knows now I won’t pick up anymore the day to day living stuff, and he doesn’t ask for it. My sense is this wouldn’t change if we lived next to each other as he knows I have firmly drawn a line in the sand here.[/quote]
And you’d be WRONG

He will get into your business, know when your going out and with whom

He’s ok with your daughters NOW, but that will change because he sees women as tools to use to get his shit done.

You’re leaving him because he’s abusing you.

He’ll find a new way to do so.

Live close ish by all means, but don’t allow him direct sight of your life.

Next door may be way too close.

(Exp actually asked court to order me to live next door to him at the time we had a buy to let nx door to former joint flat)

Make some distance . Close enough a 10 year old can walk.
Far enough for comfort for you

[quote Twocrabs20]@billy1966

I think the truth is that ...
A. He didn't actually believe you would leave.
B. He is mortified.
C. He desperately doesn't want his family to know.
D. He thinks that if he suddenly behaves with decency that he can live near you and maintain a facade of the marriage continuing.
I don't think he has changed for YOU at all.
I think he has adapted his behaviour out of mortification that the marriage has broken up and his desperation that his family remain ignorant.

A. I agree. This was my third and final attempt to leave. But I finally did it. Lundy Bancroft’s book helped me be decisive and stop introspecting as to how I was failing personally.
B. I agree.
C. I agree.
D. I agree too. But ultimately my concern is, regardless of his motivations, is to do whatever is best for myself and my DDs.[/quote]
What is best for the kids is that YOU aren’t controlled

And they don’t grow up thinking that’s what relationships are like.

You have a chance for o give them a shot at a normal life and to be happy adults, that’s your focus

You’re leaving because he abused you, you’re leaving because you don’t want your dds abused by him indirectly or by others

I’ve walked in these shoes, I know how important it is to leave people like him BECAUSE of the kids

I split from my emotionally abusive ex 8 years ago when my boys were 3 and 5. He lives down the road - less than a 5 minute walk. My boys are always in the same neighbourhood, can easily socialise and get to school, can move things from house to house and pop by if they want to. Please listen to the messages above that tell you that this is close enough. Next door is just too close. You split up for a reason. Your children need to understand that the relationship has changed and what the boundaries are. Remember what Lundy Bancroft says - these guys don't change. Don't let your desire for how you wish things could be override the reality of how things were. As an aside I know someone who has had to live this situation (two properties on shared land) and her children are very confused and she is walked all over by her ex. You can achieve the benefits you want by being within walking distance.

@aSofaNearYou

I think you are being a bit naive in your update OP

I might be. I am a glass is half full then empty sort of person. I also have done a lot of work making peace with the past and emotionally moving forward. I consider this past relationship an important teacher for me of learning about what I don’t want, and what I do want for the future. And I’m also trying to be pragmatic that as DDs father he will also play a part to some degree - forever - in my life, as we co-parent and support them going forward.

I don’t wish to be naive. But I am responding in a way that I consider to be true. I think the separation has given him time to reflect how he wasn’t he person he wanted to be. And he wants to be better in himself and better in our communication.

But I also agree with another poster that leopards don’t change their spots. I would never get back in a relationship with him as I think he would simple fall back into expectations that I keep house for 98% of households tasks. Which I am not prepared to do.