AIBU to consider living directly next to STBXH?

[Twocrabs20]

Have NC’d.

So, I separated from STBXH in late 2019. We have 2 DDs, aged 2 and 4. It was a very unhappy marriage. Some emotional abuse. But largely it was born out of a struggle for me to be treated with equality and I was instead treated like a poorly regarded live in maid / servant; and from his view I believe he would say I was not deferential enough to him as ‘provider’ and as ‘head of household’. The latter being his words.

On a positive note, he is a kind, loving and gentle father to our DDs and since the separation he has been quite good with co-parenting and is making an effort to have a positive relationship with me. Trying not to escalate arguments etc. He hasn’t left me and DDs destitute, and in fact been very generous with financial support, and appears keen to make amends and to provide. A really significant supportive thing he has done since separation is he has moved from one part of the country to the other side, so we can raise our DDs in close proximity of my family where I also have more support.

He still hasn’t told anyone in his family or work that we have separated (they live abroad so easy enough for them not to find out, especially with Covid); which I suspect is born out of his culture and shame associated with divorce / separation, as well as concern for the emotional impact notice of our separation would have on his elderly parents. Whereas I have been open and sought support of all my family and friends re our separation. We haven’t divorced yet and all our finances are still tied together.

We are looking towards the future re co-parenting, and have given some thought about next steps.

So my question is - AIBU to consider living directly next to STBXH?

My reasons for considering this are our girls are so young, it would help our tag-teaming of their care, it would be good for the girls to see us working positively together. We both want to be involved in our DDs lives and be supportive as much as possible.

Has anyone else done this and it worked? Or failed? I’d be really interested to hear of your particular experiences? What happened if either of you started a new relationship? Is it ever ok to live that close to an Ex-H?

If you live next door you’ll end up being the default parent and he will dick you around because you’re right there doing nothing and why not.

You’ll end up not knowing what you’re doing from one day to the next.

It is hard enough with a bit of distance to keep your boundaries strong with an emotionally manipulative man. Next door it would be impossible.

What has made you feel like giving him the benefit of the doubt in that he's changed and won't cross your boundaries again, makes you feel you need to live next door to him? Is it coming from him?

That's an unusually close living situation. If he's turned over a new leaf and is going to be a great coparent, that can be done perfectly easily just living in the same town. A few streets over, would make you even more entangled. Next door is just unnecessary.

@Permanentlygrumpy

*consider these scenarios:

1. Your future partner will probably be put off by living next door to your ex.
2. your exs potential new partner might be put off by living next to you & start harassing you.
3. He wants to get back with you.
4. He uses the kids as a tool to taunt you.
5. He becomes more abusive etc.
6. He sees you as an informal partner as you live next door.*

1. I have thought of this. But I really have no idea how I’d introduce a new partner to my DDs anyway. And I have to say that I doubt I’d find a partner so exceptional I’d be prepared the risk of bringing them into my DDs life. The person would have to be so exceptional I find it hard to believe they could exist.
2. I hadn’t thought of that. I doubt he would start dating again, and anytime soon, but yes that could be a worry.
3. He’s never mentioned it since we separated. I made it clear this was it. No point of return now. We tried everything re counselling etc. my leaving was the end. But I think deep down he’d like to get back, but also knows I’ve moved on. And I repeatedly make this clear to him.
4. He wouldn’t do this. Thankfully he’s not that sort of person.
5. I don’t think so. I don’t enable him or any abuse anymore. Zero tolerance.
6. I don’t know how to respond to this. I keep 98% of our discussions about the girls with some short pleasantries at the beginning of any conversation.

What’s wrong about a couple streets away OP?

You seem to be entirely disregarding that suggestion which would take away many of the legitimate concerns that posters have mentioned and are very focused on having to be next door instead and minimising potential issues that could cause.

@TwoLeftElbows

That’s a really good consideration for taking into account. I’ll definitely bare this in mind with my consideration

I know a couple this worked for living next door to each other. It happened that the house next to her became available and is suited him.
It worked for them but I can imagine it wouldn't work for everyone.

It works for some people, though for your own privacy the next street might be better, certainly not attached (imagine when you want to have another relationship )

You don’t want him to have more Insight into your life than needed. A street away at minimum.

@Trisolaris

What’s wrong about a couple streets away OP?

I don’t mean to come across as disregarding the posts about living a few street away, and in fact I think this is likely the course of action I will take going forward. Which is probably 2 streets away, and where we don’t have any cause to drive past each other’s houses and within some walking distances.

But I guess I wanted to come here to explore if there might be any examples where this has worked - and if there are any situations where it could work for me. Bearing in mind the previous history / my circumstances.

I really do appreciate the frank and genuine concerns expressed by posters as actually these sit foremost at the front of my mind as well. And tbh I am probably persuaded more by these concerns.

And I was only last week sitting in, in conference with my BFF‘S solicitor and barrister - my BFF is in a protracted family law litigation re her DS with her STBXH - and her barrister’s view was 20mins drive / transport is the perfect distance In separated couples with children. Not to far enough to be annoying if you forgot something and had to travel back, but far enough to be independent.

I guess I am exploring the pros and cons and are really really grateful that so many posters have given me so much to think about and take into account. Which is why I love Mumsnet. Such a wonderful site of shared wisdom if you are needing it.

He might not be jealous of you being in a new relationship but how will he feel about that new partner meeting and getting to know his children? Living in the same home as his children and involved in parenting them?

I would not do this. You have no idea what might happen in the future and how your relationship might pan out but if it isn’t great you will be really glad of some distance.

How next door is next door? Attached?

Sorry but this has 'nightmare' written all over it.

So you never want to have a relationship with anyone else?

Does he?

How would you both adapt to either possibility?

He hasn't told his own family that you have separated.

Have you?

Do your children know you have separated? And why?

Sort your finances out and become independent.

How long ago did you separate?

@aSofaNearYou

What has made you feel like giving him the benefit of the doubt in that he's changed and won't cross your boundaries again

I feel like he can’t cross my boundaries again, because I have emotionally removed myself from him. He has no power anymore over me as I am out of the relationship. By staying with him previously before I left, in part I continued to enable it by my staying. Now I’m out, this has fundamentally changed how we relate to each other as he has learnt I now have zero tolerance. In fact now that we are separated he bends over to help and do all the things I asked of while in the marriage, which he always refused at the time. This could be a mindf$&k but actually I have just come to pity him a little where I think it is sad he was only prepared in our intimate relationship to give and be supportive when I have kept him ‘out in the cold’, but not when I was giving him love and kindness and caring and support. But really, he’s not my problem anymore and I am simply glad we are working together well for the sake of our DDs.

And to the extent that since separation I really am very grateful that a positive co-parenting arrangement has developed, we share the same hopes and values for our DDs, and he has been positive in financially supporting me and the girls. Moreover he has relocated and moved a vast distance - at potential future impact to his work / career prospects - for my benefit especially to be closer to my family And which when I can compare to all my other girlfriends who have separated with children, and they have only horror story after horror story of no financial support whatsoever and protracted and difficult discussions in co-parenting.

What ...makes you feel you need to live next door to him? Is it coming from him?

No, it’s not coming from him. We are looking to buy property in the new area we have moved to, we are both currently renting, and so are giving thought about what to do. With the pending divorce and soon to be split finances there could be some financial benefit to obtaining 2 properties next to each other. And where we could have ocean views.

But I realise ocean views isn’t everything if it means my independence, and private space away from a person who

Definitely agree with the 20mins away advice being best all round. Even if what you're suggesting may have worked in others' specific situations, there's many good reasons why it isn't the norm.

What concerns me most in your posts is how you can't imagine you or him doing the things that people suggest might become a problem. Of course you want to put your DDs first and you may well not want to meet someone else for a good while yet, but look around at the world - most people do start to date again sooner or later, many have new DPs and even marry again. This may be inconceivable to you now, but it's very short-sighted to think it'll never happen and to plan your living arrangements on the basis that it'll never happen therefore none of the complications will ensue from having new DPs next door to your ex.

No doubt when you first got married, you never imagined your DH being abusive and you having to leave, but that is what ended up happening. It's not about being glass half full or empty, it's just about wising up to the range of possibilities and planning your future home accordingly.

@PurpleSunrise

We separated in November 2019

I wouldn’t.

Being right next door allows him very close access to your life as you move on. It’s more likely to result in the current situation deteriorating than if you live even at least a few streets apart.

In fact I think it’s less confusing and there are clearer boundaries in place for the kids if you are slightly further apart.

@Rainbowqueeen

He might not be jealous of you being in a new relationship but how will he feel about that new partner meeting and getting to know his children? Living in the same home as his children and involved in parenting them?

I don’t know. I guess I wanted to come to my own view about the merits of living closer or not, and ONLY IF I thought it would be a good idea, would I then have this discussion with him

How are you going to feel trying to have sex with a new partner knowing your ex could potentially hear you?

How do you think it will work if one of you gets a new partner and the kids run between the two houses with mums boyfriend did this dads girlfriend did that.

What about if the kids free range between the two houses (as they will) and you never know what you’re doing who you’re cooking for and whether or not you can have a wine coz it’s your night off.

Two streets away - doable.

Next door - troublesome.

I have friends who went for the 'two streets' thing. It worked, and got easier as the kids got older, when they could wander to and fro on their own.

One thing that the parents did have to manage, though, was the kids' expectations.

First, it was important that they couldn't just go to whichever parent they wanted whenever they wanted ("...fine! I don't have to stay here! I'm going to Dad's!).

And also they needed to understand that each of their parents had lives that required some planning, and indeed, privacy. ("Hi. I just came round to pick up my...oh! Who's that in the kitchen?")

@Pinkdelight3

You are correct on so many accounts. While I am aware of complications re new partners - and this is especially a concern - in his case, I’d say good luck to them. And I hope he treats them better than me re doing any proportionate fair share of the household drudgery.

And in my situation, I feel so chastened by this particular past relationship, and one other, I really do think God help me if I chose to get into another relationship. That person would have to be sooooo exceptional, I can hardly believe they exist. I see littered amongst almost all my friends and family such poor quality relationships, I can hardly believe it possible that there be a person I would be prepared to sacrifice my hard-earned freedom for. And also, I am so deep in sleep deprivation and care of 2 young children, I am so weary I can’t imagine the thought of even managing to get out of the house to date. But I suppose there might come a time. That horizon / eventuality however feels right now so very very very distant.

You might not want a relationship (I didn’t - AS me for my situation) but I did have casual sex on occupation. Because sex is nice. 🤷🏼‍♀️ You might be the same.

And no matter how it feels, it will be a blink and they will be adults.

If you don’t set boundaries with him, what are you teaching your children? There’s no harm in being a walking distance away - you don’t need to be right next door.

*occasion

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

I have answered already those other questions. But ‘Does your children know you have separated? And why?’

They are 2 and 4. Youngest doesn’t speak more than a few words. 4 year old however I have explained and she kind of gets it

@WalkingOnTheCracks

Yes, noted. And I think really good to bare in mind. Thank you