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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this harsh or AIBU?

85 replies

Anonymouse21 · 22/06/2021 18:50

My child is in Y3 at school (aged 7) they are autistic and have ADHD. DS came home from school yesterday very upset as he had been kept inside at break times and lunch. This was because he made an inappropriate comment towards another child at after school club LAST Wednesday!

He did not attend school last Thursday and Friday as when we picked him from after school club last Wednesday he was clearly unwell (high temperature, sore throat). We were not told about the incident at the time or what the consequence would be. Of course by the time DS went back to school yesterday it had been almost 5 days since he made the inappropriate comment. AIBU to think that’s too long for a 7 year old with autism and ADHD to make the connection to his behaviour so as to be a meaningful consequence.

I asked him about his behaviour and he said he lost control as all the children were annoying him (I expect his tolerance towards others was further reduced because he wasn’t very well). He knows what he said wasn’t appropriate but from his perspective other children annoy him and make comments towards him - he tells the teacher, he then gets told to stop being a tattletale. He then loses control, the other children tell on him and he gets into trouble. He can’t see a difference between his behaviour and theirs only that he gets into trouble and they don’t.

I also think that missing all his breaks for the day is too much - he needs movement breaks, it’s his chance to blow off steam. He was most upset at being kept in because it was hot and stuffy inside. He needs lots of outside time each day so I think it was overly harsh to keep him in all day.

He was extremely upset and we had a very difficult evening with him, then this morning he made me late for work as he was screaming he hates school and wouldn’t get dressed. I’m very frustrated as he was just starting to settle and I feel the situation has been very badly handled. Not sure where to go from here though.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 22/06/2021 18:54

What did he say?

As he was able to tell you about it today seemingly in detail then that would suggest it wasn’t too long for him to be able to understand that his actions have consequences

DrManhattan · 22/06/2021 18:57

I would speak to school. They should have run this by you first. Poor kid x

plodalong12 · 22/06/2021 18:59

As he was able to tell you about it today seemingly in detail then that would suggest it wasn’t too long for him to be able to understand that his actions have consequences

Exactly what I was going to say.

Bloodypunkrockers · 22/06/2021 19:00

He told you that he knew his comments weren't t appropriate. Not clear what the issue is then

Original poster

Anonymouse21 · 22/06/2021 19:04

I’m not 100% sure what he said as there was a whole convoluted tale of this child did x then that child did y. Then this child and that child were saying x and laughing another child and I didn’t know why they were laughing but I started laughing anyway. And then I wanted everyone to leave me alone and no one would leave me alone so I lost my control.

He teacher said he made an inappropriate comment when I messaged to ask why he had been kept in. I don’t doubt he did make an inappropriate comment but he hasn’t said what only that he lost his control.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 22/06/2021 19:08

Before being able to make any judgments you need to know what was said.

Original poster

Anonymouse21 · 22/06/2021 19:08

From his perspective everyone was making comments to each other. And other children were unkind to him also. I think he is confused about the specific catalyst that meant he crossed the line.

OP posts:

Shelddd · 22/06/2021 19:11

It's definitely appropriate for him to have consequences... but I can understand why you're frustrated as I don't think they picked the right consequence. If he needs outdoor time to calm down they are just making the problem worse and causing more issues not only for your child but also for them and the rest of the class as your child is likely to have further behaviors as consequence of being left inside.

Is it possible for you to talk to them, acknowledge that you agree there needs to be consequences when your DC acts out but taking away breaks will just cause more behaviors and ask for an alternative consequence?

Aprilx · 22/06/2021 19:16

Your son appears to have been perfectly capable of making a connection between a punishment yesterday and an incident a few days earlier. You don’t even know yourself what happened , without any information to the contrary, I would have to assume that the teacher who does know what happened / what was said, was able to make the appropriate judgement as to what behaviour warranted punishment and what didn’t.

Original poster

Anonymouse21 · 22/06/2021 19:17

Yes, I do need to know what was said as it clearly crossed a line but he doesn’t know why what he said was any worse than the other child said to him.

OP posts:

suspiria777 · 22/06/2021 19:17

@Anonymouse21

From his perspective everyone was making comments to each other. And other children were unkind to him also. I think he is confused about the specific catalyst that meant he crossed the line.

well, there's a big difference between saying "you're a smelly poophead" and, for example, "you're a fucking cunt i fucking hate you" or "i hope you die and i'm going to strangle you" or "[racial slur] [homophobic slur] [other hate crime slur]". The sooner he learns that lesson the better, so I suggest you find out what he said before assuming he was treated too harshly.

sunflowerdaisies · 22/06/2021 19:19

Whatever happened it wasn't a suitable punishment for his individual needs. YANBU.

Original poster

Anonymouse21 · 22/06/2021 19:21

I would not assume the ‘teacher’ is best placed to make an appropriate judgment. It’s very easy to always blame the child who is known to make inappropriate comments. He feels he always gets into trouble and the other children do the same and don’t get into trouble

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 22/06/2021 19:22

I think op instead of deciding the school is wrong it’s best you speak to them and find out what he actually said and did.

Allllchange · 22/06/2021 19:24

I think a lot of people commenting don't get autism and the need for a sanction to be immediate and quickly dealt with. For a child who has been unwell and had to deal with a change of routine and then another change going back to school with all the anxieties that can cause. It also does need to be taken into account if other kids were trying to trigger a response. It doesn't mean there shouldn't be any consequences but they need to be that day. I would ask to sit down with the teacher and SENCO and ask how you could deal with it if near the end of the school day. We do no TV and no tablet if something has happened and my child is accepting of that as it is what is expected and there is an acceptance of not having behaved as they should.

Original poster

Anonymouse21 · 22/06/2021 19:26

there's a big difference between saying "you're a smelly poophead" and, for example, "you're a fucking cunt i fucking hate you"

Yes, absolutely, and I think this is the problem. But he doesn’t see the difference! I think this is why he gets trouble.

OP posts:

marmitegirl01 · 22/06/2021 19:28

Yup agree. If he can tell you he lost control he can understand that this is a delayed consequence after being off from school on the immediate day afterwards.

Bluntness100 · 22/06/2021 19:29

He feels he always gets into trouble and the other children do the same and don’t get into trouble

But that doesn’t mean it’s true, it’s shades of grey op and as you rightly say the scale of the inappropriate behaviour. I think that’s where it is difficult.

MindyStClaire · 22/06/2021 19:32

@sunflowerdaisies

Whatever happened it wasn't a suitable punishment for his individual needs. YANBU.

That's my reading. Neither of the little boys I know with autism and ADHD would cope well with this at all. It's unfairly harsh on him and just setting him up to fail with his behaviour for the rest of the day. I'm sure the teacher could have implemented some other consequence if she felt one was needed.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 22/06/2021 19:33

Did he say “inappropriate comment?” Or did he tell you what he actually said. Some comments are much worse than others.

Whilst I might have agreed that 5 days was too long for cause and effect, it seems as though your DS is clearly linking the 2. So actually it was not too long. The fact he was upset (even very upset) does not automatically make the punishment wrong or disproportionate. And staying inside on a sunny day might - and only might - be a suitable punishment for something very wrong that was said.

I can see why you would want to have a conversation with his teacher though, about the best or better way of dealing with his behaviour. I think a lot rests on what he actually said and what else he said or did in the recent past.

Original poster

Anonymouse21 · 22/06/2021 19:33

Yeah, I’m not saying he shouldn’t be taught what he said was wrong or have any consequences but I could’ve been told on Wednesday after it happened, or messaged on Thursday, or Friday.

And I think the school should’ve looked at the bigger picture. He is inherently a very kind boy when he acts out there is usually an unmet need. In this case him wanting all the other children to leave him alone

OP posts:

bluelavender · 22/06/2021 19:37

The wider issue is perhaps the support he is getting in school to meet his additional needs. He's potentially getting some mixed messages about 'not being a tattle tale' which could impact on how he trusts adults around him. Other children might also be finding it amusing to 'push his buttons'.

What does his SEN plan say about supporting him to have positive relationships with his peers? (or does he have an EHCP?)

Namechangecosguilty · 22/06/2021 19:40

Most people voting YABU will have no idea what life is like for an autistic child.

My son has been mercilessly teased throughout and other boys have deliberately wound him up to get him to blow.

And he won't have the same processing as other kids.

The school needs to adjust more.

We had a constant battle for the school to tell us immediately so it could be dealt with because any lag in time made it much harder for him to process.

Original poster

Anonymouse21 · 22/06/2021 19:42

He didn’t tell me what he said specifically - I got an enormous convoluted tale most of which was nothing to do with anything and was focused on what I can only describe as playground drama. He told me he lost his control and he told my mum he screamed. It’s very difficult to get the truth from him I find. I wouldn’t say he lies more that his perception of the truth is often different from reality.

OP posts:

Newkitchen123 · 22/06/2021 19:42

Given that he wasn't in school Thursday or Friday do you know that the other children were not dealt with then?

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