Is this harsh or AIBU?

[Anonymouse21]

My child is in Y3 at school (aged 7) they are autistic and have ADHD. DS came home from school yesterday very upset as he had been kept inside at break times and lunch. This was because he made an inappropriate comment towards another child at after school club LAST Wednesday!

He did not attend school last Thursday and Friday as when we picked him from after school club last Wednesday he was clearly unwell (high temperature, sore throat). We were not told about the incident at the time or what the consequence would be. Of course by the time DS went back to school yesterday it had been almost 5 days since he made the inappropriate comment. AIBU to think that’s too long for a 7 year old with autism and ADHD to make the connection to his behaviour so as to be a meaningful consequence.

I asked him about his behaviour and he said he lost control as all the children were annoying him (I expect his tolerance towards others was further reduced because he wasn’t very well). He knows what he said wasn’t appropriate but from his perspective other children annoy him and make comments towards him - he tells the teacher, he then gets told to stop being a tattletale. He then loses control, the other children tell on him and he gets into trouble. He can’t see a difference between his behaviour and theirs only that he gets into trouble and they don’t.

I also think that missing all his breaks for the day is too much - he needs movement breaks, it’s his chance to blow off steam. He was most upset at being kept in because it was hot and stuffy inside. He needs lots of outside time each day so I think it was overly harsh to keep him in all day.

He was extremely upset and we had a very difficult evening with him, then this morning he made me late for work as he was screaming he hates school and wouldn’t get dressed. I’m very frustrated as he was just starting to settle and I feel the situation has been very badly handled. Not sure where to go from here though.

@SamanthaJayne4

I have an adult DC who is autistic, not diagnosed as a child. They need an escape for when they get overwhelmed and at risk of a meltdown. My DC has permission to leave any environment at uni for a break and time to cool off if they need to. For any family occasions I make sure there is an escape. School should make allowances for autistic children, very unkind not to. My DC has ADHD as well.

I'd like to add as well that in stead of only talking about consequences you should also ask your school to help your DS to learn coping mechanisms, which are very important for children with mental challenges as frustration and anger are often the cause of behavioral problems. They need to learn to cope with those feelings and find other outlets and methods of breaking their frustration /anger cycle. It also seems to me the other children ought to be taught about the emotional difficulties your DS is facing and teach them to be more sensitive and accepting towards your DS.

I also think you need to address him "telling tales" especially as it's okay for the other children to do this.
Ask his teachers what he should do and when they say he should tell them you can raise the "telling tales". Make sure you also ask why it's okay for the other kids to tell tales.
I'm sad but not surprised. It always seems to be kids with SEN who get the blame.

@Rosebel

I also think you need to address him "telling tales" especially as it's okay for the other children to do this. Ask his teachers what he should do and when they say he should tell them you can raise the "telling tales". Make sure you also ask why it's okay for the other kids to tell tales. I'm sad but not surprised. It always seems to be kids with SEN who get the blame.

This was what I was going to say—it sounds like the teachers have given him a process to raise the issue when it starts, go to the teacher for help, let them help resolve before it escalates. But then they are totally betraying that by responding negatively to him following what he was supposed to do, leaving him confused, not resolving the issue and causing the flare up. He’s not currently ina a place to manage these emotions himself, the processes and the teachers are meant to assist with that. They’re making it worse by failing to follow the nice clear path of how to deal with the issue.

I am so sorry OP. I hope you get to the bottom of things and that your son can get back to being happy to go to school.

@Anonymouse21

I would not assume the ‘teacher’ is best placed to make an appropriate judgment. It’s very easy to always blame the child who is known to make inappropriate comments. He feels he always gets into trouble and the other children do the same and don’t get into trouble

I said, that as you have not yet found out what specifically happened, it would be reasonable to make the presumption that the teacher, who did know what happened, acted appropriately.

If you genuinely think your starting assumption should be that the teacher is always in the wrong, then there are big problems at your school

After talking to the school it was decided that the situation had not been handled appropriately and I was offered an apology.

That's good, OP. Have they said how they'll better support him moving forwards?

The teacher I spoke with is part of the school leadership team and he’s brilliant with DS and children like him. He knows what should’ve been done and suggested how things could be done in future. But I need to talk to them again as it’s becoming clear from other things DS has told me this evening that the teacher (who is very inexperienced and not a fully qualified teacher) is not managing him correctly at all. Nothing is being done to support him and he’s spiralling downward. I’m not sure she is even aware of his difficulties as she’s making zero allowances.

It sounds like the school are inadaquately supporting him. Similiar happened to a friend's child. The other kids knew he was explosive and would wind him up until he'd shout and scream. Then he'd be in trouble for not controlling his emotions. He couldn't control his emotions because he had ADHD and had terrible emotional regulation but the other kids were capable of not winding him up though.

I would be fuming about it poor child and they didn't inform you about this incident . My child 5 been excluded 3 times things are out of control school just ring me and send him.home daily basic beacuse they can't cope 😑 then he gets excluded from assembly and the other children makes me sad. I would be having a word with the school and find out why they didn't haven't informed you about thus incident. X