To miss being young…a lot

[Lippykids]

Thinking about it a lot recently, for some reason..midlife crisis? 🤷🏻‍♀️
I’m 43, with a toddler Dd I adore (years of fertility treatments etc resulted in miracle pregnancy and birth at 40)
I had years to have adventures and build my career, I lived a lot (aside from I wish I’d slept with more men/had more relationships) my life hasn’t been dull..I live abroad and life is..’Nice’ I have a nice car, nice house, take my Dd to the supermarket, on play dates..it’s all great, so why do I miss my youth so much? That wild, crazy time, that amazing skin and flat stomach. The feeling anything was possible, the road trips, nights out and just..fun.
Is this it now?
Anyone else feel like this?

I guess I’m the only one having some sort of mid life crisis 🙈🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes and no. I am a similar age, also with a young child, which I think contributes a lot to making my life feel boring! I do look back at times and wish my life was as fun as in my 20s and early 30s but it’s with rose-tinted glasses really. Even though I did more fun and adventurous stuff I also really yearned for the financial and emotional security I have now, and I wouldn’t pass that up.

I also feel like I am in the right place for my age if that makes sense. Cavorting around in bars and parties and such just doesn’t appeal to me in the same way now I am older, and most of my friends are settled down so I often wouldn’t have anyone to go out with. I do long to travel alone again, but I know it wouldn’t be the same as when I backpacked in my 20s.

I keep getting those feelings but I also remind myself that I was at times very lonely, I worried about whether I’d ever get to where I wanted in life (where I am right now) and I never really felt “free” even though I was compared to now. There were lots of real highs and awful lows back then whereas now things are more stable and I’m content which is a good place to be. Sometimes I want to tell the younger people I work with that I used to young and a lot more fun compared to the person I am now but suspect that would be make me look a bit sad!

It's the toddler. Once they are at school you'll have freedom again.

It’s a weird place to be! Perhaps it is having a toddler

Not so much age as parenting. At about 7:45 this evening, preparing DD's bath, I realised that I hadn't had a single conversation all day that didn't start with someone asking or demanding that I do something, buy something, find something, think of something. And it gets very tiring ...

Yes I do . Not overly but at times and I feel more lonely now at 52 . As have lost dad and my mom has dementia.don't see friends that much anymore.
I watch the reruns of classic TOWIE to remind me of being young and escapism ! I do appreciate other things of course but being young will always be a special time .

Yes, wish I'd made the most of being young. Would love to go back armed with what I've learned over the years!

I had children young so never got going with a career which now has the repercussions of not buying a house and living on a low wage. Chose the wrong man so ended up a single parent so live has been lonely and hard going at times.

Feel a little more settled these days now my children are older and I'm starting to have more opportunity to do things but wish I'd made the most of my youth, travelled more etc.

Yes i miss being young. Like you, I travelled a lot and had an exciting life; then I had children and was consumed with them and now they are teens and I no longer have youth or children to occupy me. I feel quite lost in many ways. I think that it's natural to mourn the loss of opportunities; the fact that your whole life was ahead of you. I'm not sure if it makes it harder if you did have an exciting life when you were young, although I dont regret that at all. I'd hate to get to this age and think I had wasted my youth - at least we have good memories.

Oh god Op yes yes yes
Mine are a bit older
And we have been through a rough time financially in last three years (still are) but god I wish I could go
Back and live a little more
Dye my hair
Do more crazy things
Be less worried about what ppl think
All of that

I think the pandemic hasn’t helped with this feeling either - everything fun has been on hold pretty much. God my maps app on my phone suggested my local Sainsbury’s as a ‘significant location’ the other day.
I so miss travelling and new places and experiences.

I often wish I had multiple lives . One , where in my youth , I worked harder and achieved more - intellectually and financially. Then the other where I wished I was able to just travel everywhere, party and dance. But we all have to compromise.

I remember that when my DCs were yours are now thinking that I had already had great times and freedom and now this was a new phase. And it really doesn't last long although it may seem it. Then another phase starts where they are independent but you are a bit older .

Is there anything that you had always wanted to do ? Make plans to achieve this and let this be a new goal .

I'm the same age and I get you completely. There seems so little to look forward to, just a slow march to the grave, interspersed with the hell of the DC's adolescence (mine are older and puberty is fast approaching); declining health (both my own and more likely DH's, as he's overweight, unfit and stressed), and increased care requirements of parents.

I want my youth back. I want more adventures.

Not youth per se. I was never gorgeous, although I was better looking than I thought I was. I was very insecure, working through a lot of stuff from my childhood, often felt very alone and misunderstood. It wasn't always (or even mostly!) a happy time. There were beautiful moments though, and I never feel like I've lost those, they were made to be remembered and some of them are perfect. I've got a very vivid imagination so I can relive them any time I want to in my head.

What I do miss is time and possibilities. And if I let myself I can feel regret for choices I made and therefore other ones I didn't make, for the paths untrodden. That same vivid imagination can see me totally relive my life while I'm having a shower, ending up with a different man (or increasingly on my own!), in a different job, in a different country. The bottom line I always kill it off with as I'm quickly drying my hair is "but then I wouldn't have my children" and that is always enough for me. And I make a quiet promise to myself to do a lot of fun and interesting things as soon as they're old enough to need me less 😆

Things that help:

1. not giving a shit about how i look. Not quite sure how it's happened after a lifetime of insecurity - I've certainly never looked worse, and it's not that I've learned to "love myself" or some such bollocks - but I just do not care anymore, so I'm not yearning after my youthful skin and tummy etc. It just doesn't matter. At all.

2. as a follow on from that, not giving a shit about male attention. I'm sure one day my libido will come back, but post kids I really couldn't care less if I never had sex ever again 😆 I still do, I hasten to add, and enjoy it when I do, but the whole tingly butterflies phase of my life seems in abeyance for now and I don't miss it. Was it Nietzsche who likened libido to being " handcuffed to a lunatic"? Well I'd agree with that at the moment. So I don't miss men chatting me up and trying to get me into bed.

3. making plans for when I'm older and the kids have left home (and being very clear in my mind that this will happen in their late teens/early 20s and planning how to facilitate that - I don't want adult kids living in my house!). I want to travel again - ALONE - and there's literally no reason why I can't just because I'll be in my 50s instead of my 20s. I want to go to festivals and gigs, ditto.

4. if there are things you want to do, have a really good think about whether you can actually do them! A lot of the time the obstacles are in our own heads. Keep looking out for opportunities, keep an open mind. Remember kids are adaptable and can live alongside most things as long as they're confident they are loved and protected. Don't shut yourself off from anything, always think it through and think "why not?" rather than "but what about...?"

Youth is wasted on the young. Mine certainly was! And I'm not going to let all the love of my family, self acceptance, confidence, knowledge and money I have now I'm older go to waste or seem like nothing to me for want of a flat tummy I never really had anyway 😉

Chin up OP, life is long and full of glorious possibility, even at 43 with a toddler 😁

Oh! And the menopause! How could I forget, I have that to look forward to as well.

Yes, I think the pandemic probably has a bearing on this, as I wasn’t really feeling it before this all happened. It just went so fast, didn’t it? I still felt young-ish at 38, then started to feel older

My kids are out of toddler phase and feel like I’m reclaiming some sort of life now. I’ll never get the flat stomach back though! 😂

I'm really happy, in my mid 50's but do have nostalgic moments. Not very many as I wouldn't swap my life now for anything, but there is a wistful feeling sometimes that you're forever heading north if that makes sense.

It's the toddler, for sure. Lots of people feel like this during toddler years, regardless of their age

My mum said that you either live to regret your youth or bask in the chance to still be young.

She says that she misses being my age badly. Mainly to still have a body that works, that doesn't give constant pain, that doesn't need 1 hour every morning to wake up. Not to have the crippling anxiety that comes with any change, when part of her brain tells her there is nothing to worry about, yet something us holding her up.

Sometimes I look at young people and envy them, but then remind myself how much I still have to live and enjoy, think if my mum and lucky I am to be planning a run knowing how great I'll feel afterwards.

Something else that perversely helps me is that my partner totally idealises his 20s, to the point he seems really stuck to me. I was there, it wasn't that bloody irreplaceably great!! But he gets miserable and jealous of bloody students (we live near and work in a university). I think it doesn't help he doesn't have any friends locally, and none at the stage of life he's at (long term partner, professional job, 2 young kids). I'm certainly happier when I've spent some social time with my mum friends who are on my wavelength politically and get the stage of life I'm at.

Well if it makes you feel any better, I’m 26 and I don’t have great skin or a flat stomach and I’ve been with my DP for 5 years so I’m not having a wild time either. Enjoy your financial stability

Chin up OP, life is long and full of glorious possibility, even at 43 with a toddler 😁

Having reread this, I am hearing the voice of Tom Hiddleston declaring "I am Loki of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose!" Perhaps all we middle aged women should declare this dramatically as we leap out of bed with a toddler wrapped round our heads every morning, to set the right tone for the day 😂

I often wish I had followed the dreams/plans I had in my late teens early 20s. I would be in a different part of the world and probably closer to living as the true "me" but events/life got in the way. I love my Dcs and DH but I would also love some freedom, not so much away from them but away from everything

I had this. Really, really strongly. It was depressing! It’s passed now. I’m 50 😬 but I made a lot of changes in my life (lost 4.5 stone, threw myself back into my career, earned a lot, cleared debts) and I generally feel way more positive now.

I don’t know if mine passed through time, or doing stuff, or what. Sorry I can’t be any help! But it does fade.

Be kind to yourself, and maybe start planning something fun and big and scary. You might be just bored.