AIBU to not want to leave DD with strangers?

[SaveWaterDrinkGin]

DD is in reception. Because of covid rules, children go straight in when you drop them off and you’re expected to leave straight away when you collect them, so I’ve only met a handful of the other parents.

She’s come home today with a party invitation from a girl she mentions a little bit but isn’t overly friendly with. She’s desperate to go as there haven’t been many parties this year obviously and she was delighted to be one of the ones who got an invitation. The invitation says two hours at their house and their address and mums phone number, that’s it.

I messaged the mum to say thanks for the invite, so kind etc. Was she wanting parents to stay or was it a drop and go kind of party? Her reply basically insinuated she didn’t want parents there, as she’s invited 15 children and was worried what the neighbours would think but one of us could stay ‘if we really wanted to’.

I don’t know this woman from Adam and couldn’t pick out her- or her daughter- in a line up.

AIBU to think you don’t invite that many four/five year olds you don’t know to a party and expect their parents to leave them?

I don’t want to be fed or hosted in any way and I’d happily help with anything. I really don’t want DD to go now but she will be devastated.

@SaveWaterDrinkGin

You’d all honestly leave your five year old at the home of someone you’ve never met?

I'm with you OP. Not a chance.

I’d take her to the party so she doesn’t miss out, but take up the woman’s offer to attend. Make sure you help though.

I too wouldn’t happily send me child off to a strangers house, though I accept Covid is affecting things.

But this is a girl your 4 year old knows! Would it help if you said can I please meet you at school gate before the party? I can understand why she doesn't want adults.

It's probably her younger child so she is less nervous! I find with first children parents stay at parties but then by kid 2 you dont stay as much.

Or - could you say you would like to stay for the first 5 mins? I see both points of view - I do think it's normal to invite reception kids and ask adults not to come because of covid. Kids have missed so much -let her go to the little party.

I wouldn’t leave my child at that age with people I’d never met. Once they’re a little older (around 6 or 7) I’d drop and go, but generally only if I’ve at least seen the parents on the school run before, not complete strangers.
Those talking about nurseries and rainbows are completely different, they have safeguarding in place, DBS checks etc. As a pp said, not only do you not know the mum, you don’t know the family situation, other family members or random adult friends there. Better to be safe than sorry. In all probability the kids will have a great time, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable, so I’d ask to stay and just say you don’t expect food or drinks or anything, just wait in a corner, or offer to help.

This made me laugh 😂

I suspect this is your only or oldest child. When you have numbers 2 3 and 4 you will be so thrilled at the idea of a tiny bit of relative peace that you will accidentally take her an hour early and not realise it's an hour early until you've driven off.

There are other risks apart from someone being a paedophile. That would probably be the risk I'd be least worried about!

Some 4 year olds will still need help with going to the toilet or may still have accidents. Yes, most will manage at school, but that's a familiar place with a familiar routine and trusted adults to ask for help. The excitement of a party and being in an unfamiliar place is just the sort of situation where accidents could happen. As the host, I would not ask parents to leave their 4 year olds in my care unless they were happy with me helping with toileting and changing them if required. As a parent, this is not something I would expect a stranger to do for my child, especially if they're also trying to supervise multiple other small children.

Then there's the safety risks. If there are 15 four year olds running around the place, I would want to know as a minimum that there are sufficient adults to supervise (not just the party mum), that the house is not full of hazards, that there are no dogs or the dogs are being kept away from the children and that the children have no access to the road.

I know Covid has changed things, but I thought it was absolutely the norm for parents to stay at parties at this age.

I wouldn’t (and my 5 yr old is the youngest of 5). Bare minimum for me is I’ve said hi to the parent a few times and they look normal.

I’ve been to enough parties where I’ve seen behaviour that isn’t ok. Ponds that are unfenced with no adult outside, really unsanitary living conditions and in particular bullying being allowed. For example 5 yr olds that are shy to play just getting snide comments or heckles from parents.

I’m pretty liberal in many ways, but I at least want to meet you before I leave my child! Yes it’s rare, but why risk it? They’ll be more parties at soft play etc or with parents invited in the future, and tbh this doesn’t sound like a close friend. It’s just one of those big parties that happen early on that fizzle out by year 1/2 when friend groups are established and parties grow small.

No way not if I hadn't seen her. My dds friend invited her round after school and turns out the mum is a raging alcoholic. She was showing pictures of her vagina around the school at pick up... honestly you just don't know who people are, they could be absolutely bat shit

I'd take DD, suss out the family and the place for 10 mins then if all well and DD happy, leave.

I'd text the mum my number saying just in case any need to contact me during the party.

I suspect this is your only or oldest child. When you have numbers 2 3 and 4 you will be so thrilled at the idea of a tiny bit of relative peace that you will accidentally take her an hour early and not realise it's an hour early until you've driven off.

@redknickers you suspect wrong actually. But this is the only time one of my children has been invited to a party at someone’s house when I have never even so much as clapped eyes on the parent (or the child for that matter). Those people suggesting this is similar to Rainbows, school or other pre-organised activities in venues (not private homes) with trained volunteers or staff who have to complete risk assessments and work to a specific standard are ridiculous. I have no idea what this mother deems safe or appropriate. As a Rainbow leader, that’s not my call to make. The organisation I volunteer for tells me what’s safe and appropriate and allowed. This isn’t the same at all.

I suspect this is your only or oldest child. When you have numbers 2 3 and 4 you will be so thrilled at the idea of a tiny bit of relative peace that you will accidentally take her an hour early and not realise it's an hour early until you've driven off.

That wasn’t my experience at all. I was more protective of my second child after witnessing some questionable parenting from parents of my first child’s friends. Some parents just don’t really look after their kids very well at all.

My dd is 15 now but I remember a similar situation when she was in early years, just shy of her 5th birthday. I explained to her mum I was a bit nervous leaving her, she was really understanding and I stayed at the party and helped out a bit. I was the only other Mum there. Do what feels right for you, there's no right or wrong answer.

YANBU at all OP - no way would I be leaving my 5 year old with people I've never met or know anything about.

You are making an issue out of nothing. Take your daughter to the party, do a "risk assessment" when you arrive and make a decision then whether to stay or not. Sorted.

Depends on the child.

Talk to dd tonight. Ask her. Say you could stay for 15 minutes if she'd like. And then if she's comfortable you'd leave. Or not, stay, but if you did leave, you'd not be far away, if she needed. See how comfortable she is with these scenarios.

Has she ever been on a play date before?

I'd leave. But my 2 run off into school without a backward glance! And were totally happy with any play date/party mum.

But it was different for me, because we knew most mums quickly. Covid makes it worse.

@Oblomov21 of course she’s been on a play date before! That’s not the issue here. My daughter would be absolutely fine with it. But I don’t make parenting decisions based on what my five year old would like to do.

She’s going to the party, I’ll take her and stay with her. Thanks to everyone who’s told me I’m not nuts for wanting to do this.

@MojoJojo71

There’s no way I’d leave my DD in these circumstances. I don’t care whether anyone thinks I’m ‘precious’ but I’ve been at enough child protection meetings to know that there are plenty of parents who have no idea how to keep their own children safe, never mind 15 others.

I’d not do it either. We always insisted on knowing the parents first and knowing the environment was safe too.

But you've left her at school all day with teachers and TA you probs don't know from Adam?

School is completely different: trained, experienced, DBS-checked staff; glass panels in the doors; secure fencing; every activity is planned and risk-assessed.

Smoking and dogs aren't allowed in schools, for a start. And health and safety are taken very seriously. There is usually a fence and locked gate between the playground and the road. And teachers have training in class management. The two situations aren't comparable.

In some circumstances I would think you are being overprotective (meant kindly from the most overprotective mum in the history of kids parties), but you don’t know her at all. You don’t know what she considers acceptable or the sort of behaviour she allows. You don’t know if her home is a crack den or the sort of company she keeps. With that in mind yanbu. I would have stayed too.