AIBU to not want to leave DD with strangers?

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DD is in reception. Because of covid rules, children go straight in when you drop them off and you’re expected to leave straight away when you collect them, so I’ve only met a handful of the other parents.

She’s come home today with a party invitation from a girl she mentions a little bit but isn’t overly friendly with. She’s desperate to go as there haven’t been many parties this year obviously and she was delighted to be one of the ones who got an invitation. The invitation says two hours at their house and their address and mums phone number, that’s it.

I messaged the mum to say thanks for the invite, so kind etc. Was she wanting parents to stay or was it a drop and go kind of party? Her reply basically insinuated she didn’t want parents there, as she’s invited 15 children and was worried what the neighbours would think but one of us could stay ‘if we really wanted to’.

I don’t know this woman from Adam and couldn’t pick out her- or her daughter- in a line up.

AIBU to think you don’t invite that many four/five year olds you don’t know to a party and expect their parents to leave them?

I don’t want to be fed or hosted in any way and I’d happily help with anything. I really don’t want DD to go now but she will be devastated.

No, at reception age I wouldn't leave her. I attended all parties with DD until I think year 2. I just hovered in the background. Covid be damned, if you don't know them that's it.

I had to get over this for short group events like this. I would leave my cell number and honestly I generally stayed at a coffee shop or something within a few minutes of the party because I was a bit crazy like that, but dd was a social butterfly and I just didn’t have the social circle she needed.

@BumCheeseIsNotCheese

What do you think could happen to her?

Are you new to this parenting thing or what?

The child could have a toilet accident and be embarrassed because she doesn't want strangers helping her.

She could get scared because she surrounded by adults she doesn't know.

There could be a real accident because actually, you can't have 15 four-year-olds to a few adults because it is dangerous. Even teachers and nurseries where the staff do it professionally don't usually have 1 adult to 14 small children.

And I know you meant it as some sort of "gotcha" because parents who don't leave their children in the company of randoms are obviously Sun readers who think there are "peedos on every corner" but actually, leaving your child in the company of strangers is a safeguarding issue. And YES some of us have been abused in similar situations. I don't have the luxury of not knowing what could happen if I leave my children with randoms. The OP doesn't know the parents, or the random unclue, or the teenage son.

That's the point. You should know the people you leave your small child with.

And OP, I would go. They said you could. They may huff or roll their eyes but clearly if they are inviting 15 children around during a pandemic and not wanting any of those people to be adequately supervised because then the neighbours might judge..they aren't safe to look after that many children. My children were never invited to parties on their own at that age. Parents always stayed until about 7 ime.

Best post I’ve read on here all day. Bravo. It’s difficult to be the voice of reason when a thread is heading quickly down the tracks of competitive blasé-ness.

Not a chance here either OP.

Just stay op, the mum said you could, you want to and your dd gets to go to the party. I honestly can't see what the issue is

Parties for reception children round here always seem to include the adults and other siblings. Covid has meant that they’ve lately all been garden parties with smaller numbers, I.e. three families. But before Covid it would be a village hall do or park def with parents involved.

I think drop and go is pretty normal tbh.

I think you're being irrational and an over-protective helicopter parent. When I was a kid that was considered normal so what's the difference now? I read on this thread parents not allowing sleepovers, driving their 11 year olds to school (I walked to school by myself or with my best friend), etc etc and we now have threads on here wondering why teenagers have no social skills and cannot cook or look after themselves.

Teachers are strangers too, yet much of the time the first time we meet their teacher is at parent-teacher interviews. Yet we still send our children to school.

If you meet the mum on the doorstep - THERE. You've met her! She's no longer a stranger.

Don't break your poor daughter's heart and make her suffer because you have these hangups. Allow her to go to the party.

I’ve never been to a reception or even year one party where parents don’t stay. I’ve had loads for all my kids over the years and expect parents to stay. You are not being unreasonable. I never understand parents who let their kids go on sleepovers with school friends when they’ve never met the parents either!

I get it, OP. My kids are a bit older now, but I never used to leave them alone at parties at that age either. Four/five years old is so very little - it would be very easy for your child go looking for you and slip out unnoticed...or need the toilet and not know where it is...or come across "milkshake" in a glass which is actually someone's Baileys. If mum is the only adult, she can't supervise 15 kids safely. And if she's not the only adult, who else is in the house with your child? Mum's boyfriend?

There are too many things that can go wrong in this situation.

I asked my own mother about this recently. Her view was that when I was 5, people were not as worried about dropping and going in these situations as most of the mothers were SAHMs or had at least had career breaks while children were young, so you tended to know most or all of the other parents well.

Tbh OP I think it depends where you live. You mention not knowing many of the other school parents - have you only moved recently to the area? My DC haven't started the school yet but I know at least 60% of the parents of their class from september as they are neighbours in our village/part of local toddler groups etc. I think this is where knowing your neighbours/community is helpful.

@WaltzingToWalsingham

I get it, OP. My kids are a bit older now, but I never used to leave them alone at parties at that age either. Four/five years old is so very little - it would be very easy for your child go looking for you and slip out unnoticed...or need the toilet and not know where it is...or come across "milkshake" in a glass which is actually someone's Baileys. If mum is the only adult, she can't supervise 15 kids safely. And if she's not the only adult, who else is in the house with your child? Mum's boyfriend?

There are too many things that can go wrong in this situation.

Yep. I’m a pretty chill parent but even I wouldn’t dream of leaving a child of that age in that scenario. You know literally nothing about the house or parents or other attendees. People have different attitudes to risk management, they could have three Rottweilers and think it’s fine for the kids to play around with them (which wouldn’t be fine with me). Boggles the mind that anyone could compare this to leaving your kid at school, a secure building with locked gates and trained staff who’ve had DBS checks.

It just wouldn’t happen.

YABU

In one way this is perfectly normal. I think most parents didn't know me very well as DD was dropped off and collected by a childminder 4 days a week and I don't do coffee mornings etc a lot. I still had 20 children for DDth 5th birthday with maybe 5 parents staying.

We only stayed when it was a public venue, softplay or similar. And then maybe just for the first year. DD was happy to be just dropped off and I enjoyed 2 hours of peace.

Staying at parties or playdates really stops when they start school.

@Sally872

Yes I would. The greater harm would be child missing out on many social occasions rather than the tiny risk of the parents being dangerous.

It isn't practical to have 15 parents stay in a house. If it was a playdate and mum didn't want me to stay I would feel a bit weird, but I can see why she couldn't have 15 adults.

Absolutely this. The "risk" to your child is tiny. She'll be with her friends from school and one of their parents. And I completely understand why she doesn't want extra random adults hanging about.

If you stay, and nobody else does, she'll be "Katie with the weird mum who stays at parties".

@RaindropsOnRosie

Go in, bring a present for the child and chat to the mum a bit, even ask if she needs any help. She'll probably offer you a cup of tea and assume you want to stay as you've asked about it. yanbu for being cautious and your daughter might even want you there anyway.

When you are hosting a party for a troop of over excited 5 year olds, the last thing you want is a mum hanging around and expecting you to make her tea.

not in a million years would I leave a five year old with strangers (I’d even be reluctant to leave her with people I know tbh, as it’s the ones you trust that can do the most damage) I think you need to gage it, is your child particularly precocious? Would she know what to do if she felt uncomfortable? Have you given her talks about her body and that nobody is allowed to touch her etc. Would she be loud and assertive in an uncomfortable situation or would she be passive and withdrawn? If I were you, I wouldn’t leave her but if I met the parents beforehand I may be tempted to give her a pep talk about safety- an age appropriate one and stay for the first 20 minutes but I’d likely collect her after 45 minutes or something.

I’m a child psychotherapist so am extremely vigilant as a result of what I deal with. I’ve really heard it all at this point and my future children will not be going to other people’s homes alone until they have the vocabulary to explain / get themselves out of uncomfortable situations or until they have a mobile phone.

I’m not trying to freak anyone out or suggest this mum has sinister plans, she is likely to be very normal but you don’t know who else is going to be there do you? There could be a weird relative or family friend.

I find this party culture it so strange, where I’m from (outside UK) a small number of children would be invited to a party along with the parents. The parents get some drinks, catch up while the kids play in the garden. It seemed much friendlier and safer.

I can't see the problem, you've been told you can stay. Someone else looking for drama where none exists. Nail. Head.

AIBU to think you don’t invite that many four/five year olds you don’t know to a party and expect their parents to leave them?

In my experience - and I've had lots of experience with 5 year olds birthday parties, yes you absolutely do! Once primary age hits drop and go parted are more normal than parents staying unless it's between groups of parents who are friends. I've never known anyone take issue with it but you're free not to send your child. Personally given the message I wouldn't stay as it was clearly not an invitation for you to

CookieMumsters I’m a Rainbow leader myself actually. I don’t think the two situations are the same.

This makes it even more surprising, you must know that 5 year olds go to drop of parties. You take dc who's parents you barely know on full day trips to sometimes risky activities and for sleepovers but think 2 hours with a smaller group is strange?

Re the numbers I doubt she's in her own, probably got a husband and a couple of mum friends so a pretty impressive ratio compared to any other setting, although I'd think nothing of a group of 15 5 year olds to entertain on my own - I do it daily (to the posters they said schools have a 1:14 ratio, they definitely do not)

Call me what you want, no way would I leave my child with randoms. Not the same as trained professionals. I remember two dad’s at school sleepovers who were really pervy, although that said we were older around 12.

AIBU to think you don’t invite that many four/five year olds you don’t know to a party and expect their parents to leave them?

You do though. That's exactly how its done!

There will be lost of children there. Its 2 hours. Not like a stranger is taking only your dd into their house. She is going to the home of her friends parents with lots of other children. I would be ok with it. Tbh my main concern would be that my dd behaves without me there.

I always left my DC at parties, there’s no way I’d want to stick around at a children’s birthday party! Not really my scene tbh .

There’s no way I’d leave my DD in these circumstances. I don’t care whether anyone thinks I’m ‘precious’ but I’ve been at enough child protection meetings to know that there are plenty of parents who have no idea how to keep their own children safe, never mind 15 others.