AIBU to not want to leave DD with strangers?

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DD is in reception. Because of covid rules, children go straight in when you drop them off and you’re expected to leave straight away when you collect them, so I’ve only met a handful of the other parents.

She’s come home today with a party invitation from a girl she mentions a little bit but isn’t overly friendly with. She’s desperate to go as there haven’t been many parties this year obviously and she was delighted to be one of the ones who got an invitation. The invitation says two hours at their house and their address and mums phone number, that’s it.

I messaged the mum to say thanks for the invite, so kind etc. Was she wanting parents to stay or was it a drop and go kind of party? Her reply basically insinuated she didn’t want parents there, as she’s invited 15 children and was worried what the neighbours would think but one of us could stay ‘if we really wanted to’.

I don’t know this woman from Adam and couldn’t pick out her- or her daughter- in a line up.

AIBU to think you don’t invite that many four/five year olds you don’t know to a party and expect their parents to leave them?

I don’t want to be fed or hosted in any way and I’d happily help with anything. I really don’t want DD to go now but she will be devastated.

At 5 she's old enough to go to Rainbows. I'm a leader, and most parents speak to me twice (when they join the waiting list, and when they get a place) then they drop their daughter off and leave for 90 minutes. Occasionally one will ask if they can stay for a bit, but most don't.

It's two hours. I'd let my DD go. The mum will have your number if there are any issues.

@GNCQ my concerns are nothing to do with covid, they’re to do with the fact I have never even met this woman.

I wouldn’t be happy; too much of a likelihood of lack of supervision (lots of kids and few adults), people I don’t know and know nothing about. If someone is going to have responsibility for my child then I want to at least have met them properly and for my child to know them.

@CookieMumsters I’m a Rainbow leader myself actually. I don’t think the two situations are the same.

Hi OP - I can understand the mums perspective, but also yours

Perhaps a tactful way to go about is to say that your little girl,is really looking forward to the party, but as she’s shy/hasn’t been to a lot of parties you’d like to see how she settles. Say that you’d like to stay for a little bit at least and you’re happy to help and don’t need hosting (turn up with your own water bottle!)

I can understand not wanting to host/feed loads of adults you don’t know, so can see why she wants to avoid that. She’s said you can go so I think you are in the clear

I'd be fine to drop off, especially if it's in their home as less likely to get lost or wander off unsupervised.

If your not happy then stay

When we've had parties at home for kids who haven't come before the parents have either said can they come in for 15 minutes and make sure dc is okay or said they are going to sit in their car outside. Both fine with me. I'm less enthusiastic about playing the fool in front of loads of parents I've never met before

What do you think could happen to her?

Are you new to this parenting thing or what?

The child could have a toilet accident and be embarrassed because she doesn't want strangers helping her.

She could get scared because she surrounded by adults she doesn't know.

There could be a real accident because actually, you can't have 15 four-year-olds to a few adults because it is dangerous. Even teachers and nurseries where the staff do it professionally don't usually have 1 adult to 14 small children.

And I know you meant it as some sort of "gotcha" because parents who don't leave their children in the company of randoms are obviously Sun readers who think there are "peedos on every corner" but actually, leaving your child in the company of strangers is a safeguarding issue. And YES some of us have been abused in similar situations. I don't have the luxury of not knowing what could happen if I leave my children with randoms. The OP doesn't know the parents, or the random unclue, or the teenage son.

That's the point. You should know the people you leave your small child with.

And OP, I would go. They said you could. They may huff or roll their eyes but clearly if they are inviting 15 children around during a pandemic and not wanting any of those people to be adequately supervised because then the neighbours might judge..they aren't safe to look after that many children. My children were never invited to parties on their own at that age. Parents always stayed until about 7 ime.

You’d all honestly leave your five year old at the home of someone you’ve never met

No, I'd say my child might be a little shy as due to covid hasn't been to many / any play dates or parties without me so I'd like to stay. I'd then make myself useful whilst there.

I would send my reception child to a home of a family that I am unfamiliar with. I would definitely stay and you'll find that most parents will - whether or not the host is happy. She can't really refuse for parents to come in.

I wouldn't be comfortable either OP. I would stay if she said it was OK to do so.

Go in, bring a present for the child and chat to the mum a bit, even ask if she needs any help. She'll probably offer you a cup of tea and assume you want to stay as you've asked about it. yanbu for being cautious and your daughter might even want you there anyway.

WOULD NOT!!

@BumCheeseIsNotCheese Nail. Head. Thank you.

I was in that situation a few weekends ago and I was shocked to have been the only parent who stayed! My Dc has only just turned 4 so a bit younger but I wasnt comfortable leaving them with a complete stranger. I did feel a bit like 'that' parent tho and it was clear they would have preferred if I left

I agree with everything @BumCheeseIsNotCheese said, I just wasn't able to articulate it as well!

Yes, if your DD is happy to go. Why not?

You don't make parenting decisions based on a 5 year olds opinion.

@BumCheeseIsNotCheese you know in schools the ratio in nursery is 13 3&4s to one teacher, and in reception it's 30 4&5s to one teacher?

YANBU I’d at least want to meet other mums properly before play dates or drop and run parties.

It’s generally not really the done thing around here for that age group, hence why I suspect birthday parties have been thin on the ground due to covid and restrictions on numbers. End of Y2/Y3 onwards it seems far more acceptable.

YANBU

Parents stayed till at least age 7/8 here

So you have the choice of really disappointing your child by saying she can't go, or saying she can go and staying with her. Surely it's a very easy decision?

[quote DarcyLewis]@BumCheeseIsNotCheese you know in schools the ratio in nursery is 13 3&4s to one teacher, and in reception it's 30 4&5s to one teacher?[/quote]
You're referring to a legal minumum. Not best, or even good practice. Even in my area which is one of the most criminally underfunded the reception classes all have a teaching assitant. because 4 year olds are functionally insane. And most parents have higher standards than "not a crack den" for their children.

I wouldn't have left my PFB at a party at age 5 with people I didn't know. No way.

I remember all the parents scarpering at my ds's 4th birthday party. I was very surprised, and would've loved some more help..As it was, it was just me and my mum.