Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Boyfriend telling me how to parent - help!

91 replies

Runhome · 20/06/2021 19:53

Long time lurker in dire need of advise / insight...

I have a DS, 3 years, and we live with my boyfriend who I have been with for almost two years - boyfriend is not the father.

Up until a few months ago DS and boyfriend have always had fabulous relationship. DS very happy around boyfriend and boyfriend very involved and supportive. However recently this hasn't been the case...

It started with boyfriend picking at how I would parent DS and questioning my decisions ("Are you sure you want to let him do that?" "Are you sure you want to give him that?" Etc). I made a point that I didn't really appreciate him questioning and judging my parenting decisions, unless he has genuine concerns. I told him it made me feel judged and made it clear that DS is my child and I feel I should be able to raise him without being constantly picked at by my partner.

I will say, in the most objective way any mother can, DS is a good boy. He is kind and well behaved. I get fantastic feedback from the nursery and from friends and family - he is very polite and friendly etc. He ofcourse has the occasional tantrum but I would not say by any means that he is a difficult child. I have clear boundaries and expectations which he respects and he is overall a great lad.

Anyhow, the tension between myself and boyfriend has been worsening to the point last night I told him I think we would be better off separate. He has increasingly tried to push his idea of how my son should be 'managed', and disciplined upon me. He, when angry, has now told me he thinks my child is spoiled, that it is ridiculous to have playroom ("I never had a playroom, he has too many toys..." etc), he has made nasty comments about dietary choices I make for DS. Always saying "I don't think your a bad mum but queue insult". Where he was once joyous about being around my DS, I feel he is now tense and resentful.
I have spoken to my parents and friends about this - all who say he is my partner and should he supportive of me and not taking a presumptive role of DS's father. I have tried to relay this to boyfriend but he maintains I should compromise my parenting style to align better with his. And he says if we are going to have children in the future etc he wouldn't want it to be my voice over his. I would say he is much stricter than me and much less tactile with DS.

I need brazen clarification - AM I being unreasonable to expect boyfriend to allow me to raise my own son my way?

I will add - he is a wonderful partner in every other way and he does take time for my DS and is very invested. He plays with him and spends time with him.

For myself I just want to make the right choice for my DS. And I do wonder if I would be better off just DS and me. Boyfriend says he doesnt want us to separate but that he cant change how he feels about me parenting. Lots of "I was brought up like this. My parents never let me do that." My mum was a fantastic mum and I feel my parenting style reflects very much how my mum was with me, but partner was very different - disciplinarian mother who shipped him off to boarding school early on. He rebelled and turned to drugs and had a terrible relationship with his mother for a few years but this context doesnt seem to impede his judgement as they get on fantastically now.

Please advise! Ex was emotionally abusive so I do struggle to see where I need to stick to my own....

OP posts:

Original poster

Runhome · 20/06/2021 19:56

Just to clarify - he has been clean for many many years now! Long before I met him.

OP posts:

Xmassprout · 20/06/2021 20:00

He has absolutely no right to tell you how to parent your child unless your child is in danger. He is not the father, he does not get a say unless you are putting your child I'm danger.

Your parenting styles are not compatible, I would leave.

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 20/06/2021 20:01

Time to say goodbye to this man.

Treacletoots · 20/06/2021 20:01

You know the answer OP. It's not going to get better. This is your child, not his and I find his attitude very overbearing, and totally unacceptable.

I think a part of him is jealous how he had such a poor unbringing and is not reflecting that onto your DS. I believe this is also what my mother did to me.

I can't say whether it will escalate (I think it will) but in my mother's case it most certainly did. The more independent I got, the more abusive and toxic she was to me. It ended with me as a teenager being thrown out onto the street and hit with a stick around my head for just disagreeing with her opinion.

Big leap I guess, I'm hardly non biased, but I can see the early signs. He doesn't respect your opinion about raising your own child. Red flag

Starlightstarbright1 · 20/06/2021 20:03

I think this would be a deal breaker for me based on the fact he sys thats how it is.

I also wouldn't want children with someone who has such different Parenting styles.

Treacletoots · 20/06/2021 20:03

Sorry. Meant to say ' is now reflecting '

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/06/2021 20:03

You’re right to split up. I’m a step mum. We don’t always agree on things but in our house DH is their parent and tbh if I thought he was a bad parent or did things I was violently opposed to i wouldn’t be with him. The way your soon to be ex is talking to you is completely out of order.

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/06/2021 20:06

This is not going to end well. It sounds like he will start picking on DS before long. I'd leave. This is the reason I stay single, it's so much easier while my child is small.

User0ne · 20/06/2021 20:06

I can't imagine having another adult live with me who couldn't discipline my child. But I wouldn't live with someone who I couldn't compromise with on parenting style.

I don't think YABU but I wonder how you have discussed it with him. I can understand him being angry if your automatic response is to say "well he's my child so I'll do as I like" while expecting dp to live there too

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 20/06/2021 20:07

Your gut is correct. He needs to go xx

MalbecIsMyOne · 20/06/2021 20:07

I was parented very differently than my half-siblings by my stepdad. He was much stricter with me than them & although I knew my mum disagreed with him at times, she wouldn’t challenge him or stick up for me. It caused a lot of resentment between me & my siblings.

I know you don’t have any other children, but given he’s already taking about potential future children, I would be very cautious about continuing the relationship.

AlexaShutUp · 20/06/2021 20:08

He doesn't have the right to criticise your parenting. Your DS is not his son.

He might have a point about the fact that your different parenting styles would be a problem if you had more dc together, but that's all the more reason to split in my view.

Trevsadick · 20/06/2021 20:09

You know what to do OP.

I was seeing someone who did this, we never lived together and he never met my son. But if I was telling something I was dealing with, it would be 'you shouldn't have done that, my Parents never let me' or 'that's not what I would have been allowed to do'.

I ended up losing my shit. His mother walked out, leaving him and a sibling alone for 3 days, before his dad came back from working away, and was never saw them again. His dad and his step mum were abusive alcoholics. I had absolutely no interest in what his parents did or didn't allow.

Not a chance would have someone who hadn't had kids, didn't know my son to tell me how to parent based on his 3 parents doing an awful job.

Eventually, you will find yourself doing it more and more his way, because just to avoid arguments he is slowly, knowicking your confidence while trying to appear like he is just trying to help you out.

'I am not saying you are a bad mum, but here's an example of how you are a bad mum' is just awful. And it's him putting you down, but saying it in a way you can't call him out on it.

Sensateria · 20/06/2021 20:09

I don’t see how you can live with someone and not have them be involved on some level with parenting. Especially as your child is so young. You can’t have it both ways.

Having said that it sounds like your parenting styles are worlds apart, so it’s best that you get your own place.

Rainbowsew · 20/06/2021 20:09

Get rid of him.
How he was brought up has no relevance to how you bring your son up especially as he isn't even his dad.

You know this won't get better and you have insight now into his views of childrearing and it would be a massive mistake to have children with him.

takealettermsjones · 20/06/2021 20:10

I do not throw LTBs around lightly but please leave.

CleanQueen123 · 20/06/2021 20:10

Even if DS was his it would be incredibly difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with someone whose parenting style is so at odds with your own.

The saving grace here is that DS isn't his and you don't have any shared children.

Your instincts are right OP. Time to move on.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 20/06/2021 20:11

The resentment towards your son having a playroom is enough to show his true colours.
Who resents a three year old having a playroom?

Whatsnewpussyhat · 20/06/2021 20:14

Get rid. He is telling you how he expects you to behave.

You said he is now resentful of your son. That should be the biggest red flag.

Original poster

Runhome · 20/06/2021 20:18

Thank you for your replies - sadly you are confirming what I suspect to be the best outcome. This probably sounds really pathetic but part of me thinks this is our (mine and DS's) last chance of a happy family ever after. Also because boyfriend lives with us I feel very guilty to bring a change to DS's life and routine by separating. Ultimately its probably for the best though I know. When its just DS and me at home it feels much more free, and relaxed.

I feel like an idiot for getting into this situation.

OP posts:

BlueSurfer · 20/06/2021 20:18

I think you have to accept that when you have a child and live with a partner (including the other parent) that they do get to have some input but the issue is when that isn’t compatible. I’d get out now before your DS is too attached and it’s unnecessarily upsetting for him.

Original poster

Runhome · 20/06/2021 20:23

@User0ne it's not that I'm opposed to him disciplining - but the way he does is extremely different to how I would approach it and he is not open minded to conversations about this.

OP posts:

AlexaShutUp · 20/06/2021 20:25

Yes, get out now while ds is small. He'll adapt quickly. Don't beat yourself up about getting yourself into the situation - you're not an idiot, but even if you were, you can't change the past. What counts is what you do now.

NameyNameyNameChangey · 20/06/2021 20:25

@Runhome

I feel like an idiot for getting into this situation.

I think that's your answer, OP. You and your son deserve to be free, relaxed and happy.

You're not an idiot. You're doing the very best you can for your child, and that's amazing.

Original poster

Runhome · 20/06/2021 20:26

@Trevsadick that's exactly how I feel! Its starting to make me crazy as I've tried for so long to be tolerant and open minded to his ideas but he is giving nothing back and wants it all his way. He is much younger than me - he is 24 and I am 29. He has never had children or been around children and I just feel like he doesnt get it and our approaches are drastically separate. I just want to be left alone to enjoy being mother to my DS without all this crap.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4