Boyfriend telling me how to parent - help!

[Runhome]

Long time lurker in dire need of advise / insight...

I have a DS, 3 years, and we live with my boyfriend who I have been with for almost two years - boyfriend is not the father.

Up until a few months ago DS and boyfriend have always had fabulous relationship. DS very happy around boyfriend and boyfriend very involved and supportive. However recently this hasn't been the case...

It started with boyfriend picking at how I would parent DS and questioning my decisions ("Are you sure you want to let him do that?" "Are you sure you want to give him that?" Etc). I made a point that I didn't really appreciate him questioning and judging my parenting decisions, unless he has genuine concerns. I told him it made me feel judged and made it clear that DS is my child and I feel I should be able to raise him without being constantly picked at by my partner.

I will say, in the most objective way any mother can, DS is a good boy. He is kind and well behaved. I get fantastic feedback from the nursery and from friends and family - he is very polite and friendly etc. He ofcourse has the occasional tantrum but I would not say by any means that he is a difficult child. I have clear boundaries and expectations which he respects and he is overall a great lad.

Anyhow, the tension between myself and boyfriend has been worsening to the point last night I told him I think we would be better off separate. He has increasingly tried to push his idea of how my son should be 'managed', and disciplined upon me. He, when angry, has now told me he thinks my child is spoiled, that it is ridiculous to have playroom ("I never had a playroom, he has too many toys..." etc), he has made nasty comments about dietary choices I make for DS. Always saying "I don't think your a bad mum but queue insult". Where he was once joyous about being around my DS, I feel he is now tense and resentful.
I have spoken to my parents and friends about this - all who say he is my partner and should he supportive of me and not taking a presumptive role of DS's father. I have tried to relay this to boyfriend but he maintains I should compromise my parenting style to align better with his. And he says if we are going to have children in the future etc he wouldn't want it to be my voice over his. I would say he is much stricter than me and much less tactile with DS.

I need brazen clarification - AM I being unreasonable to expect boyfriend to allow me to raise my own son my way?

I will add - he is a wonderful partner in every other way and he does take time for my DS and is very invested. He plays with him and spends time with him.

For myself I just want to make the right choice for my DS. And I do wonder if I would be better off just DS and me. Boyfriend says he doesnt want us to separate but that he cant change how he feels about me parenting. Lots of "I was brought up like this. My parents never let me do that." My mum was a fantastic mum and I feel my parenting style reflects very much how my mum was with me, but partner was very different - disciplinarian mother who shipped him off to boarding school early on. He rebelled and turned to drugs and had a terrible relationship with his mother for a few years but this context doesnt seem to impede his judgement as they get on fantastically now.

Please advise! Ex was emotionally abusive so I do struggle to see where I need to stick to my own....

Xx

He's in a very difficult position. He's been in yours sons life for over half of it and forged a relationship with him. If you want to be a family you really do need a plan where you both accept it, as it's always going to be disjointed and lack family structure. That doesn't mean you should change your parenting you both need to to sit down and discuss how your household is going to be run.

When he never lifts a finger in terms of house work. It's not like he is the breadwinner either - I pay all the bills!

Wtf? My now partner, who does live with us lost his job at the at the beginning of covid. So I was the only source of income. I was working at home and my entire team were furloughed and I had to pick up their work.

He did all the housework, because I was working so much. He entertained my son and did his homeschooling with him. He made it so when I could get off work I had nothing to do.

Now he is back at work, he still does slightly more at home than me because he works less and contributes to the bills.

I am not saying this to make you feel bad, I am saying it to hope it hits home that this man is NOT your happy every after. Its not a good relationship.

He doesn't pay bills or do housework. Your toddler does more house work than him andbits not like it's because he need to work alot to cover the bills.

This man, sold you a lie. He gave you the 'I want us to be a family', where actually he just wanted to be a Cocklodger.

And all this stuff has about your parenting is about knocking your confidence, so that eventually you would have felt like you could never leave him.

I know you say you can't move for 2 months, but he is going to be awful now he realises his cushy life is going to be over. Since you pay the bills, I would try and get him to leave.

When my now husband moved in he bought a book on therapeutic parenting and did an online course. Hes worked really hard to understand why certain things do/don’t work for my son.

I think your partner is in deep denial about the realities of living with a child. Its better that came out now rather than a few years time.

If you can hack sharing a house and work with him without being in a relationship, but all means - just be crystal clear about how that is the way it's going to be.

I think you've taken 100% the right decision. You're the authoritative parent - which is the optimum parenting style. He's an authoritarian, which is quite simply less good.

Parenting is one of the things (alongside alcohol) which broke me and my husband up. He was the authoritarian because that was how he was raised - so no surprise he had issues.

I stayed too long.

I think a part of him is jealous how he had such a poor unbringing and is now reflecting that onto your DS. yes this but it's probably unconscious for him as he's in denial about how bad his parents were. He is now watching you parenting your DS with love and kindness and it's possibly bringing these buried feelings to the surface and so his defense mechanism is to double down pretending to himself that his childhood was superior so as not to face the reality of childhood trauma. At least that's my armchair diagnosis

You sound like a great mum OP and you should follow your instincts as you know this isn't the right fit for you and especially not for your son as your boyfriend will no doubt escalate in his resentment of your DS. The fact he doesn't lift a finger in the house or contribute towards the bills would be enough on it's own to get rid of him. You're doing the right thing

Why are you doing ALL the house work and paying ALL the bills, with a work life so enmeshed OP?

I think you need to be careful.
He sounds nasty and he surely won't like to leave such a cosy number where he does nothing and pays for nothing?

Like Wtf?

Have you family to support you?
Reach out OP and don't hesitate to ring 911 if you feel unsafe.

I haven't read the full thread but would he be open to attending a parenting course? Parenting puzzle probably available from your local children's centre/ family hub? It might help him to realise how the subtle differences in your approaches can have quite wildly varying results.

He is right isn't he, that if you have a child together you will need to share parenting and compromise. So if you can't tolerate his comments now, which I'm sure will only be worse when it's "his" child, then don't have a child with him! I couldn't live with the constant criticism so I would think about moving on.

You’re doing the right thing breaking up. Why doesn’t he work? Is the livestock full time? Farming?

@billy1966 so he is trying to make an income but not happening due to Covid. But he goes out each day to 'sustain' the business even though its not currently making money. I work part time but on a good wage so i work three days, DS in nursery. I pay the bills then the rest of the time i spend with DS and take care of the home.

My parents love him and think he is a good man just not right for me. I haven't really disclosed what's been happening between myself and boyfriend as have had recently bereavement in the family and just dont want to add stress to my parents.

@Cherrysoup his work makes no income due to Covid but needs him there everyday (think livestck)

I work to pay the bills & keep the house.

@Vikingintraining I really have tried to listen to his views and accommodate them but wholeheartedly find this a very one-sided effort and continually at the detriment of my own parenting ideas and aspirations. It's not that I'm closed minded about comprise. More that it's not really compromise if its only me making the effort? Is it?

Yes, get rid. He’s going to slowly morph into an abusive arsehole so it’s best to get out now before your DS picks up on it.

@Vikingintraining and also - if were talking about OUR child that's different. But this is not OUR child, he is my son.

[quote Runhome]@Vikingintraining I really have tried to listen to his views and accommodate them but wholeheartedly find this a very one-sided effort and continually at the detriment of my own parenting ideas and aspirations. It's not that I'm closed minded about comprise. More that it's not really compromise if its only me making the effort? Is it?[/quote]
Yes, to be clear, I wasn't defending him at all! Just pointing out that at the moment it's your child and your parenting and he is interfering. But if you have a child together you have to compromise on parenting style, so just don't have the child together, you'll be tied to him and his criticisms for at least 18 years. It sounds horribly stressful. You clearly have good parenting skills and your little boy sounds lovely so you can manage without the complaining boyfriend!

He sounds jealous of your son

It’s awful that your kid has been exposed to this bloke for such a long part of his short life already. He does fuck all housework, drones on at you, treats you like you’re trash and you pay for this. Just get him out, ffs, your kid should have a safe home, a happy home, not some shitty boyfriend of his mother dragged in. Keep your dating life separate to your kid in future, no need to inflict another shit male onto the child, just let him recover and be free and safe in his home. Never accept substandard blokes ever again.

More that it's not really compromise if its only me making the effort? Is it?

Trust yourself. You're right. Compromise takes effort on both sides.

And I'll say it again... trust yourself. Trust your instinct.

I think a person should be involved in raising their partner's child if they live together. They should become family. But don't have a family with someone whose parenting style you dislike and who causes tension. Trust your gut. He's not right for you and your dc.

I think he’s allowed an opinion as you’re living together as a family now - but he’s not offering anything constructive, just sniping. It doesn’t sound like he trusts your judgement about your own child but also doesn’t want to do anything positive himself, which doesn’t bode well for the future.

I don’t think this will end well, you don’t sound compatible. It sounds like the reality of a ready-made family is now starting to grate on him, and the tension isn’t something you want to live with long term.

On the plus side, things might actually work our better if you stay a couple but just don’t live together.

@Sensateria

I don’t see how you can live with someone and not have them be involved on some level with parenting. Especially as your child is so young. You can’t have it both ways.

Having said that it sounds like your parenting styles are worlds apart, so it’s best that you get your own place.

This. You want and expect him to connect to and care about your child but you ask expect him to detach and have no opinion about your child’s upbringing. You can’t have it both ways.

Your (I hope) STBXP is emotionally damaged by his dreadful upbringing - likely he experienced a v poor early maternal attachment as a baby, probable abandonment issues via his boarding school experience, estrangement/rupture with his DM and then addiction (which he may have overcome physically but not sure psychologically). You haven’t mentioned his DF.

I have some compassion for his childhood experience it has left him flawed and emotionally developmentally deficient. He is still v young and there doesn’t seem to be any distance or healing from his childhood traumas and addictions to being very attached and embedded in your life with someone else’s child, business, home etc at only 22?

Authoritarian disciplinarian “parenting” is toxic and is emotionally triggered by the adult having poor and immature emotional regulation due to their own neglectful/abusive childhood. They have a short fuse. They have not developed coping, collaborative skills and empathy. They don’t know how to support, encourage and nurture.

This “approach” to parenting doesn’t exist in any formal, approved, professional capacity. How many parenting books advocate this “approach”? None. It’s just an aggressive reactive toxic approach - which he also uses in RS with you.

Yes he could read a few parenting books - but this is just a superficial issue - he has major unresolved emotional issues that have nothing to do with you, that need professional therapy and will just continue to play out and emotionally damage your DC.

Yes parents should give and take a bit to compromise when needed but to back each other up in a shared vision of creating a calm and peaceful home where their is mutual respect.

You don’t need your experience of motherhood blighted by this behaviour and your DC doesn’t need to live in a home with seething resentment and contempt.

It will take your (I hope) STXP years to sort his emotional health out and that is during your DC precious and finite childhood.

Well done for knowing this is all kinds of wrong and reaching out for support. That’s a huge achievement. Plot your way out of this calmly, resolutely and safely.

Do you have RL professional support?

Hard to live together and be you and ds then you and dp.

If it doesn’t work as a team (family) then it doesn’t work really does it?

So, he's not earning any money, you pay all the bills, and you do all the housework plus working 3 days a week?

If you were to ask him what he brings to the relationship what would he say?

How are you today @Runhome?