Boyfriend telling me how to parent - help!

[Runhome]

Long time lurker in dire need of advise / insight...

I have a DS, 3 years, and we live with my boyfriend who I have been with for almost two years - boyfriend is not the father.

Up until a few months ago DS and boyfriend have always had fabulous relationship. DS very happy around boyfriend and boyfriend very involved and supportive. However recently this hasn't been the case...

It started with boyfriend picking at how I would parent DS and questioning my decisions ("Are you sure you want to let him do that?" "Are you sure you want to give him that?" Etc). I made a point that I didn't really appreciate him questioning and judging my parenting decisions, unless he has genuine concerns. I told him it made me feel judged and made it clear that DS is my child and I feel I should be able to raise him without being constantly picked at by my partner.

I will say, in the most objective way any mother can, DS is a good boy. He is kind and well behaved. I get fantastic feedback from the nursery and from friends and family - he is very polite and friendly etc. He ofcourse has the occasional tantrum but I would not say by any means that he is a difficult child. I have clear boundaries and expectations which he respects and he is overall a great lad.

Anyhow, the tension between myself and boyfriend has been worsening to the point last night I told him I think we would be better off separate. He has increasingly tried to push his idea of how my son should be 'managed', and disciplined upon me. He, when angry, has now told me he thinks my child is spoiled, that it is ridiculous to have playroom ("I never had a playroom, he has too many toys..." etc), he has made nasty comments about dietary choices I make for DS. Always saying "I don't think your a bad mum but queue insult". Where he was once joyous about being around my DS, I feel he is now tense and resentful.
I have spoken to my parents and friends about this - all who say he is my partner and should he supportive of me and not taking a presumptive role of DS's father. I have tried to relay this to boyfriend but he maintains I should compromise my parenting style to align better with his. And he says if we are going to have children in the future etc he wouldn't want it to be my voice over his. I would say he is much stricter than me and much less tactile with DS.

I need brazen clarification - AM I being unreasonable to expect boyfriend to allow me to raise my own son my way?

I will add - he is a wonderful partner in every other way and he does take time for my DS and is very invested. He plays with him and spends time with him.

For myself I just want to make the right choice for my DS. And I do wonder if I would be better off just DS and me. Boyfriend says he doesnt want us to separate but that he cant change how he feels about me parenting. Lots of "I was brought up like this. My parents never let me do that." My mum was a fantastic mum and I feel my parenting style reflects very much how my mum was with me, but partner was very different - disciplinarian mother who shipped him off to boarding school early on. He rebelled and turned to drugs and had a terrible relationship with his mother for a few years but this context doesnt seem to impede his judgement as they get on fantastically now.

Please advise! Ex was emotionally abusive so I do struggle to see where I need to stick to my own....

Xx

You know what to do, then, OP. Best of luck!

@BlueSurfer I wholeheartedly think I have tried. But like you say, I think the point has come where I have recognised we may just not be compatible.

I think you are right that you need to separate and he is possibly correct that your parenting styles might clash in the future with any shared .

But I do think it is unfair rand not realistic to expect him to live with you and to a point help provide for your child and help raise him, but not have or be able to share any opinions on the subject. I think you will need to stay single until your child is an adult if that is how you see things.

I will add - he is a wonderful partner in every other way and he does take time for my DS and is very invested.

None of that matters when he is bullying you about your child. Run for your life, because this is going to get much worse and your child will be the one to pay the price. You are no longer compatible.

Imagine the awful tenseness of the years ahead if you and he had children together. Keep that in mind to give you the strength to split.

Get him out asap and kindly OP, take a good long break before you inflict someone on your son again.

@runhome you are only 29. This isn't your happily ever after.

Who resents a child for having a play room? This won't get better, only worse.

And your son won't live happily ever after.

It sounds like he had a difficult childhood and resents that your son has it better.

I suspect this would get worse if you have kids with him. He will probably treat your sin very differently. Resent that your son takes money and time away from his kids.

You are so young. You have so much time to find your happily ever after. You have your son. You will have your happy when you and your son are free to be a family and parent how you want.

This man is not it.

You are not an idiot, he is. You've done the very best thing for your son by realising your boyfriend is not a positive person to be around him, you've done nothing wrong at all.

As he isn't an immediate threat to you or your son I'd suggest you get everything in order instead of rushing to move. Get a new home sorted, finances, etc and then make a stable move- be quick about it but don't rush.

Best of luck to you both xx

Can I just say well done for recognising this and being prepared to act on it. After experiencing a previous abusive relationship that's huge progress you've made and you should be very proud of yourself.

Separating may be very unsettling for your son in the short term, but you are saving him from probable bullying, resentment and emotional abuse in the future. The red flags are lashing you in the face. I wish you every luck for the future.

Do you see a future with him whereby you could work your co-parenting styles? If not, then I think you have your answer. FWIW I wouldn't be happy with his behaviour, but I would wonder if the boundaries are blurred where he believes he has the right to discipline etc because you've been together for a while, living together... But if the basis of his "parenting" style is fundamentally different to yours, I'd bow out.

You’re definitely not an idiot- you’re questioning his behaviour. Anyone who starts a sentence with “you’re not a bad mum but…” does not respect you as a parent or at all. It sounds like it be a miserable life fo you and your son if you stay with this joy vacuum.

Btw I know you said he stopped taking drugs before you even met him but I’m wondering if he’s started using something? I found out my ex was back using cocaine and skunk when our children were small, he’d (allegedly) stopped for years. But what made me start digging around for an explanation was he was being such a short tempered, nasty, impatient cunt bag to me and the (tiny) children. He was particularly cranky/abusive when he hadn’t got a fix of either for a while.

Apologies OP, I've just seen your update. Nope - he's an arsehole. Please leave him for your own sanity, you don't need that shit.

The problem is you both think your way is the right way. You do t come across as wanting to compromise and it would seem neither does he.

There is therefore no moving forward. Whichever way it goes, one will be feet frustrated. Say the relation doesn't seem to have any future.

I have tried to relay this to boyfriend but he maintains I should compromise my parenting style to align better with his. And he says if we are going to have children in the future etc he wouldn't want it to be my voice over his. I would say he is much stricter than me and much less tactile with DS.

He's picked an interesting choice of words. Doesn't want it to be your voice over his, but it sounds as though he thinks it's his way or the highway (aka his voice over yours) rather than compromising.

I agree with previous posters, I don't think your parenting styles are compatible. Trust your instinct!

It sounds like he has an authoritarian parenting style. It's something I've seen a lot with men who think that being strict is a sign of strength. It's a lack of understanding about child development or the child's perception - that children don't do things deliberately (at least not in the same way adults do) and that children are much more frightened of consequences than an adult due to their lack of power.
The ONLY reason for him to have a second chance would be if he's (genuinely) willing to learn about parenting styles and why your way isn't 'soft' or spoiling him. Though if he's cocky enough to be critical to your face it doesn't sound like he is.
www.verywellfamily.com/types-of-parenting-styles-1095045

I’m a step mum and I’ve found that DH and I need to be on the same page about parenting of his DD; i would have found it impossible to be with him if his view was that it’s his DD and my opinion wasn’t welcome as it’s still my home that DSD lived in BUT I think that if you and your boyfriend have such different approaches to parenting that I can’t see how it will work to compromise and work together on things and that will be mirrored in how you parent any future children you have together.

Boyfriend says he doesnt want us to separate but that he cant change how he feels about me parenting

But he was quite happy with you did until recently....

It sund slike he knows he isn;t going to get away with you doiung as you are told and do things HIS way so he is upping things and is starting to be controlling/a twat.
I'd be wondering what will follow next if you still dont do as you are told.

he says if we are going to have children in the future etc he wouldn't want it to be my voice over his

Why? Because he believes it's his right as a man to dominate you and get the final say?

Like a pp, I think it's very telling that he hasn't raised concerns about compromise - which would be fair and reasonable - but about you not submitting to him.

Taken in the round there are warning signs that he's another coercive controller.

Don't beat yourself up for being in the situation, build yourself up for recognising and removing yourself from it.

Wow - well as an update. We just had a chat which escalated quickly! I think it is definitely over. I feel like my maternal instincts are taking over and making the choice easy as all my emotions are just shutting down. We started talking and he was saying I need to see his point of view in terms of why he is so unhappy. I said, I dont want you to be unhappy hence why I think we are better separate as I dont want to change how I am with DS, but that I can see and understand he is frustrated. But that I will not change how I am with my son. He went off in a huff, then came back. I said that I dont understand what he needs from me. He exploded saying "just look at the fucking sofa" - whereeim currently sat - ie the sofa with one cushion inverted and three Disney cars toys on it. Goes off on a rant about not wanting to live 'like this'. I explode a bit if I'm honest - said what did he expect wanting to be with a woman with a child. And actually the living room is generally clean and spotless as I clean it WITH MY TODDELR! DS loves to help me clean etc . I mean seriously! How dare he complain about a cushion and a couple of toys- and I meant literally three tiny toys! When he never lifts a finger in terms of house work. It's not like he is the breadwinner either - I pay all the bills!
I honestly feel like such an idiot. How have I allowed myself to get into this. He used to be so "oh I want to be a family with you two!" I feel like the reality of having a toddler at home as set in and maybe the honeymoon period has worn off and hes just completely unhappy. I don't want him to be unhappy. But I dont 2ant to live I life where I'm scared to let my toddler bring some of his toys onto the family sofa.

Can I have a hand holding through this? I feel like he is going to try and wear me down as a quick exit is not an option. We share the rental on this place at least for three more months. And with other commitments I cant describe as putting, the fact is we will at least need to leave in the same home for the next two months. It's a big house so thinking we cut it into and have our own space??

If you pay all the bills then what difference does it make if he goes now? It won’t get better. He sounds like a cocklodger from your last post tbh.

Well done OP, and stick to your guns. You deserve so much better!

Sorry some auto spelling errors - cant move due to commitments I cant describe as **outing
And we need to **live in the same home the next two months

@Travis1 I dont want to say as outing but we share a buisness at home with livestock responsibility. So say for example I kicked him out I would be left alone with DS 3 and having to tend daily to livestock (6am - 6pm). Seperating will take some time as we have lots of shared responsibilities tied into out working lives.

Op, this isn’t going to get better for you. I fear his behaviour (as you hold your ground) will in fact escalate.

What is strikes me as (based on your brief background on his childhood) is that your mothering is rousing feelings of jealousy in him. You’re provoking emotions in him of the things he didn’t get as a child and the resulting emotions are likely resulting in jealousy towards your toddler.

His frustration/ explosion at you tonight is predictable and in reaction to him feeling like he is losing control.

This isn’t going to get better. And as much as there may be a little but of difficulty adjusting to life with just you and your toddler, every part of me Urges you (at the bare minimum) to not have more children with this man.