Boyfriend telling me how to parent - help!

[Runhome]

Long time lurker in dire need of advise / insight...

I have a DS, 3 years, and we live with my boyfriend who I have been with for almost two years - boyfriend is not the father.

Up until a few months ago DS and boyfriend have always had fabulous relationship. DS very happy around boyfriend and boyfriend very involved and supportive. However recently this hasn't been the case...

It started with boyfriend picking at how I would parent DS and questioning my decisions ("Are you sure you want to let him do that?" "Are you sure you want to give him that?" Etc). I made a point that I didn't really appreciate him questioning and judging my parenting decisions, unless he has genuine concerns. I told him it made me feel judged and made it clear that DS is my child and I feel I should be able to raise him without being constantly picked at by my partner.

I will say, in the most objective way any mother can, DS is a good boy. He is kind and well behaved. I get fantastic feedback from the nursery and from friends and family - he is very polite and friendly etc. He ofcourse has the occasional tantrum but I would not say by any means that he is a difficult child. I have clear boundaries and expectations which he respects and he is overall a great lad.

Anyhow, the tension between myself and boyfriend has been worsening to the point last night I told him I think we would be better off separate. He has increasingly tried to push his idea of how my son should be 'managed', and disciplined upon me. He, when angry, has now told me he thinks my child is spoiled, that it is ridiculous to have playroom ("I never had a playroom, he has too many toys..." etc), he has made nasty comments about dietary choices I make for DS. Always saying "I don't think your a bad mum but queue insult". Where he was once joyous about being around my DS, I feel he is now tense and resentful.
I have spoken to my parents and friends about this - all who say he is my partner and should he supportive of me and not taking a presumptive role of DS's father. I have tried to relay this to boyfriend but he maintains I should compromise my parenting style to align better with his. And he says if we are going to have children in the future etc he wouldn't want it to be my voice over his. I would say he is much stricter than me and much less tactile with DS.

I need brazen clarification - AM I being unreasonable to expect boyfriend to allow me to raise my own son my way?

I will add - he is a wonderful partner in every other way and he does take time for my DS and is very invested. He plays with him and spends time with him.

For myself I just want to make the right choice for my DS. And I do wonder if I would be better off just DS and me. Boyfriend says he doesnt want us to separate but that he cant change how he feels about me parenting. Lots of "I was brought up like this. My parents never let me do that." My mum was a fantastic mum and I feel my parenting style reflects very much how my mum was with me, but partner was very different - disciplinarian mother who shipped him off to boarding school early on. He rebelled and turned to drugs and had a terrible relationship with his mother for a few years but this context doesnt seem to impede his judgement as they get on fantastically now.

Please advise! Ex was emotionally abusive so I do struggle to see where I need to stick to my own....

Xx

Hope you’re doing ok, this is a difficult one! He needs to learn to compromise and discuss parenting strategies without assuming he is right, just as he would with his own DC - it is very rare that one persons parenting approach is 100% right and both parties deserve to be listened to. He seems unwilling to see your view and is expecting you to chance and do it his way which is wrong.

One thing I will say though, if you are planning on fixing things with your DP, or ever meeting someone else, is that you can’t have it both ways. You were happy to move in a man to be a family but you’ve said several times that your child is “YOURS” very emphatically and similar to your DP you seem to feel your view is all that matters. If you are a blended family, your child is a child of that family and everyone’s opinion counts. I’m a stepmum and my DSD also has a stepdad. (For context, I’ve been with her Dad since she was 2.5, married since she was almost 5, and her SD has been with her Mum since she was just turned 2. Mum and Dad split when she was six months.)
She is all of “ours,” she refers to herself that way and so do the adults around her. We all have a say in creating routines, discipline, etc that works for our households because she is a child of those households. It works as no one feels like they matter less or that their opinion is disrespected.

For what it’s worth, this man sounds v immature and you are probably better off splitting as per your plan.

You don’t need a bloke to be a “happy family” Even more so, a dickhead bloke.

Thank you for checking up on me @Sssloou

I'm doing well. Everyone's comments really helped me reflect,. I booked myself into a self-catering cottage near my parents and took my son away for the few days to really have a think about how I was feeling. Came back and told boyfriend that I respect that he has a right to live his life in a home that makes him comfortable, and ultimately, that if living with me and my DS were triggering feelings of frustration in him that ultimately we are just not suited for eachother. Because I also have the right to raise my son without feeling like I need to justify the decisions I make to someone, and without feeling like I'm constantly being picked at. I said, as others have on here, that I do understand that in living with someone there will always be the nature of compromise. But that I felt he was not willing or open minded to work with me and my ideas etc etc... anyway we had weeks worth of discussion and I really thought that we were going to separate. But then (after lots of talking) he really started to express a growing realisation and understanding of where I was coming from. We resolved to try and work things out - we did a virtual couples counselling session and made a list of things to work on and to help us communicate. I have to say things have been so much better since - and he has made a real effort in regard to my feelings towards DS. I'm happy I stuck to my guns, but also happy we went through the weeks of talking and difficult conversations as its helped me understand him and where our communication can be improved. The councilling also helped shine a light on other things that were impacting us.

Really big thanks to everyone who took the time to comment. My DS is very happy, which is ultimately all that matters. I'm not saying were gonna live happily ever after... I'm taking it a step at the time. But I am hopefully that this was just a necessary stage we needed to go through as a couple to grow, and I'm really happy that he has stepped up.

Really good news. I’m glad you could sort things out and well done for sticking to your guns

I'm happy you're happy but a leopard doesn't change his spots, OP.

I can imagine that the roles must get very blurred in these situations. On the one hand he is expected to step up in the role of dad, but on the other he can't have a say. It sounds more stilted than the parental relationship should be.
He shouldn't be telling you how to parent your son, but I wouldn't be living with him for this reason.
I'd also be curious to know why your partner was fine before, but no longer.

This is the reason I stay single, it's so much easier while my child is small.

👍 I'm the same.

Good in you for putting in the effort. Despite my post which more or less said your relationship had no chance, I think it's fantastic you are giving it another go with the right support.

It's complicated isn't it, he's known your child most of his life and you are happy for him to play pseudo daddy when he does what you want. He is right in that if you have any joint children it can't be all your way and you can't parent your son and any mutual children differently. Having said that if you're parenting styles are that incompatible I wouldn't be having children with him and wouldn't want him around my son if he's dictatorial and rigid.
It sounds like things have moved on and are good for now, but just make sure they stay that way, I'd also be concerned he'd revert to type with his own children.

@KingdomScrolls it is really complicated! I know lots are saying ditch him, he can't change etc but he has already shown a huge effort to change. I've also got to take responsibility for the fact I've allowed him to be involved with DS on a like-daddy basis. They love eachother dearly and he is, as I said initially, fantastic with DS and puts in lots of effort as though he was his own son. The councillor said hes come see DS as his own child, loves him and is clearly invested and wants to be involved in bring him up, and I've allowed that but then we've come to a natural clash on some things and that's just our different parenting styles - and also a reflection of his lack of experience. Boyfriend is reading a parenting book about the approach I take. He is listening to audiobooks about child's brain development etc and now realises how coming down with an instantaneous, har reaction to a child is an unhealthy thing. He understands this better now, and there is a clear change. I understand people wanting me to ditch him will be reading this frustrated - I thank you all for your opinions. I have got lots of support around me and am happy with where things are for now.

*hard reaction

@SarahMay1

It is really strange, you should talk to him

You should RTFT

Does he live with you rent free and not paying any bills? Have I got that right?

No way would I take parenting advice from someone who had a drug problem as a reaction to how he was parented. Absolutely not a chance.

My dh was introduced to my dd when she was 2. He absolutely doesn't ever criticise how I parent her and one of the reasons he is now dh and not dp is because even though he fully accepted her as part of me, (she asked to call him daddy when she was 4) he has never interfered with any parenting decisions I made. She's almost 17 now, and although there were a few locked horns when she was 13/14 and some boundary testing from dd at that point, they have always had a really good relationship. I was worried when ds was born 7 years ago that dd would feel second best, but tbh ds brought them closer as a family, because it's someone they are both related to.

At 29 it's not your happy ever after. And I don't think it would be happy ever after anyway. If your dp is clashing now with a child, imagine what the teenage years will be like.

If he's resenting your child now, it's only going to get worse. Imagine when he's a teenager.