Trigger warning: To think most women have experienced sexual assault?

[Pattypans]

Name changed, regular lurker and poster.

I am a mum of 2, married for 15 years and a month back, while in quarantine returning home - I was sexually assaulted by a staff member of the hotel.

I was alone traveling back from seeing my sickly parents and I just never thought I was “at risk”.

As a child I was sexually abused and told my parents who did not try to protect me from my abuser. He remained in our life in the same way. I was raped as a teen with my mom in the next room and and in my early twenties had my drink spiked and was raped again. Since then I steadily gained weight and in many ways felt like my weight protected me.

My AIBU is I’ve come to realize most of my friends and most of the women I’ve spoken to over the years - they all seem to have their own story.

So AIBU -

NO - means you haven’t been sexually assaulted or abused.

YES - means you have been sexually assaulted or abused.

I am in trauma counseling, involved police, been for STD checks and other help.

I haven't been raped but I was coerced into sexual acts by a "boyfriend" when I was 15. He was much older (I never did find out an actual age) but had told me 19 when we first met and I was too naïve to realise until much later.

I was also sexually assaulted by a workmate in our staff room when I was 19 and later groped by a minor US celebrity on a tour over there when I was in my 20s. I've only ever told people about the last one.

The workmate is someone still well known in our community, happily married (yet also was at the time) and no-one would believe me if I told them. This is actually the first time I've mentioned it to anyone, even anonymously.

Yes I have been sexually assaulted more than once. That's not counting groping in pubs, which was frankly countless times, and most of the time I was out with my partner when that happened, Not done in a way that he saw obviously. It was accepted as the norm in the 80's and 90's. Your experiences are far far worse however, and I really hope you get the support you need 💐

Depends what you deem as assult really.

I've been.quite lucky in that I've never experienced anything horrific where I've been hurt.

I have experienced plenty where if it happened to my dds I'd he fuming but I can't bring myself to give it that lable becuase it doesn't feel right compared to what others go through and because I have spent years laughing it off and not really giving a shit it happened.i dunno why.

I should probably call it some verbal and some.minor non verbal and some.consensual only because i wasn't sure how to get out of the situation encounters/incidents. Make if that what u will..

Yes, several times, and conversations with several female friends post the murder of Sarah Everard revealed that they had been sexually assaulted too.

I agree with a pp that when I was younger I didn’t know to label it in this way but I am making damned sure that my DDs will.

I think a lot of women, especially older women, don't recognise some things as sexual assault.

I didn't. I'm autistic and despite being reasonable intelligent I have no idea how to 'read' people. I was diagnosed as an adult. Looking back at my late teens/20s there are so many examples of men who grabbed and groped, overstepped the mark and I fucking thought they liked me. Genuinely didn't see anything wrong. I literally encouraged it. When I was a waitress and the chef started to make comments I laughed. When he grabbed me in the kitchen I laughed. When he pinned me up against the wall in the staff room to kiss me - yep - I kissed him back.

This was back in the 90s so knowledge re these men is greater in general but I honestly didn't recognise the signs.

I think a lot of women, especially older women, don't recognise some things as sexual assault

I agree with this, i have been assaulted but ‘only’ groped on bum or boobs…and a few forced kisses, and a near miss in a pub where i was surrounded by a group of overexcited young men…and was ‘rescued’ by another group of overexcited young men

But i know a lot of women won’t include a pinch/grab of the bum as an assault

I appreciate all the responses and I can’t say I’m surprised so many women have had these awful experiences.

The trail my brain goes on now - is so many women have their own story of abuse, so there are men in society, teens in our society, children and men in our households.

What can we do differently, teach our sons, speak to our brothers, husbands, fathers, uncles, friends and their husbands so this becomes a topic we “talk” about, educate eachother on and values we stand for.

My son is a preteen and he hates it when I say “no”. In my mind this is something I’m trying to educate him on and parent him though that NO is a full sentence. No is not an opportunity to push harder and manipulate your way through until I finally give in.

I know this is over simplified and too simplistic but.... I believe it’s really important.

I try to explain though that it doesn’t affect your talents and what you want to do with your life. But very important to listen and stop when NO involves another person.

I'm so, so sorry you've been through all that. It's awful. For my part, I think my experience of sexual assault has been that I honestly didn't realise until I was much older that it had happened to me. Sex whilst too drunk to consent, penetrated whilst sleeping; groped and touched regularly whilst in work in the service industry in my early 20s. The saddest part is that, even whilst knowing that all these were sexual assault, I'm pitifully grateful that they weren't more serious.

The world is a misogynistic dumpster fire and I dread my daughter getting older. I hope I can help her navigate it better than my own DM did with me.

Cross posted with PPs. And agree with their comments, wholeheartedly.

Raped when I was drunk in my 20s and at 14 an older boy molested me when we were in a cinema with friends

Yes, countless times as a bar maid and waitress, it was, I'm sad to say commonplace, and after all, they're only having a 'laugh' right? And you know you should be grateful for the attention because they wouldn't fuck you anyway....... and you're only a bar maid to get a shag aren't you?

I'm glad I'm old and fat now, at least the unsolicited touching has stopped, if not the comments, all be it of a different nature.

I'm so sorry so many women go through this, and much, much worse. Sometimes it feels like an endless uphill struggle.

I'm old and I've never been sexually assaulted. I know it's very common though.

I’ve never been raped but have been violently groped and roughed up a few times. Really awful and scary, and the impact is lasting.

Happened to me as a child, teenager and an adult. It’s only recently that I’ve realised the ones as a teenager and adult were actually sexual assault! I thought what happened was just one of those things us women have to put up with to not offend or upset a man.

About 30 years ago at a night school I was part of a group of about 7 women, during one of our coffee breaks together someone mentioned they were assaulted over the weekend. This led to a discussion of our own experiences and almost all of us had suffered some form of sexual assault, we were all 19/20 from different backgrounds, schooling and upbringing.
Sadly I don't think anything has changed.

Here is a recent analysis from the US
www.nsvrc.org/statistics

Here is a recent survey from Ireland
www.irishtimes.com/news/social-affairs/almost-15-of-irish-adults-have-been-raped-study-finds-1.4418390

I've seen a few of such reports over the years, and generally the converge on 1/5 women raped in lifetime, and much more assaulted.

It's probably well worth doing some online/academic research to get a better picture. Even if these studies are out by +/-100% it's an appalling picture, and we should be doing a lot more from education, detection, prosecution, treatment, etc.

I think probably most have to some extent ,in my case it was quite mild ,a man who I worked with at the time followed me into the toilets when we were on a work night out and put his hand up my skirt ,not pleasrnt or acceptable, but it's not something I dwelled on ,and I realise some women have experienced far worse .

I think most women have been sexually assaulted but don't necessarily recognise it as such as so often incidents are downplayed or seen as "a bit of fun".

I've never been subjected to rape or a violent assault, thank God, but I have been groped many times, or been in situations that looking back could have turned very nasty had I not been able to get out. I never thought of these occasions as sexual assault until a man 'motorboated' me in the crowd at a festival. A friend I was with called it sexual assault and I was like "nah, I mean it was gross but it's hardly assault is it?". She assured me it was and that was my lightbulb moment, when I then looked back at all the incidents in my past, the times when men have ground against me on club dancefloors, or touched my breasts without my consent because they "just couldn't help it", or pushed me up against a wall so I couldn't escape while they tried to grope or kiss me, and I thought "holy shit! It was assault all along"

I have never had a female friend (who I was close enough to discuss this with) who hasn't been sexually harassed. The vast majority of my very close female family and friends have also disclosed that they've been sexually assaulted or raped. I also have been.

It's so grim. I am sorry for your experience

Have you seen the 'Everyone's Invited' and 'Everyday Sexism' websites? So many stories :(

@FuzzyDiamond

Have gained stones and stones of weight in last few years and I realised I’m happier invisible.

Sexually abused as a young child. Was my childminders husband.

Raped at 20 abroad. I woke up with stranger having sex with me after drink spiked. Affected me really badly.

Raped again at 23 by guy on date with, he robbed me too and I was humiliated and blamed myself. Told no one.

Raped once more at 29. Went from consent to aggressive and wouldn’t stop. Told no one.

Sexually assaulted when asleep by stranger that I didn’t know was in flat. Flat mate invited randoms over and left them and went to bed.

Worn down into having sex by partner/dates.
Put myself in dangerous situations though as I thought I was worthless so I could have avoided a lot of the things that happened but not all. Or men could not rape and I’d be trauma free....

Oooft sorry for the overshare. Never written this down or said it all out loud before.

@FuzzyDiamond

So sorry this happened to you so many times.

You are not responsible for "putting yourself in dangerous situations". These predatory men know how to rape by making it look like you consented when they have forced you into the situation. You acted out of fear, obligation or guilt.

In my late 40's & never been assaulted. Once followed through a largely deserted train by a bloke but knocked on the train driver's door whilst glaring at him & he backed off.

With respect to UK numbers, if you look at the official data from Office for National Statistics it is here:
www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/articles/natureofsexualassaultbyrapeorpenetrationenglandandwales/yearendingmarch2020

This contrasts with the RCUK data here
rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/about-sexual-violence/statistics-sexual-violence/

I don't know which is closer to the truth, but it's a bit situation regardless.

Statistically, we all know someone very close to us that has been raped. We also know it not something most people want to disclose.

I voted YANBU because I believe most women have been at least molested. Me: one rape, one sexual assault that turned so violent I was left with permanent injuries, two body-contact incidents in childhood that didn’t cause physical injuries but left me traumatised, and too many other ‘minor’ incidents to number. I don’t think that’s particularly unusual.

Once when I was 15. Never reported I felt embarrassed about it and never told anyone I used to dread seeing him again as we lived in a small town. Thankfully I haven't seen him in years