Trigger warning: To think most women have experienced sexual assault?

[Pattypans]

Name changed, regular lurker and poster.

I am a mum of 2, married for 15 years and a month back, while in quarantine returning home - I was sexually assaulted by a staff member of the hotel.

I was alone traveling back from seeing my sickly parents and I just never thought I was “at risk”.

As a child I was sexually abused and told my parents who did not try to protect me from my abuser. He remained in our life in the same way. I was raped as a teen with my mom in the next room and and in my early twenties had my drink spiked and was raped again. Since then I steadily gained weight and in many ways felt like my weight protected me.

My AIBU is I’ve come to realize most of my friends and most of the women I’ve spoken to over the years - they all seem to have their own story.

So AIBU -

NO - means you haven’t been sexually assaulted or abused.

YES - means you have been sexually assaulted or abused.

I am in trauma counseling, involved police, been for STD checks and other help.

The “men” who abused me were all “mans” men, jocks... smooth, what many consider good looking “popular” people....

This is the first time I stood up for myself and reported this, involving police. I don’t have faith it will end up in a conviction for him.

OP, what happened to you is horrible and disturbing

Yes, I have been sexually assaulted in various isolated incidents. Although they were more nuisances than lasting trauma, they do make me risk assess every situation I am in to see how easily I can get out of trouble if attacked. My dh does not understand how women live under this existential (and sometimes real) fear.

Have gained stones and stones of weight in last few years and I realised I’m happier invisible.

Sexually abused as a young child. Was my childminders husband.

Raped at 20 abroad. I woke up with stranger having sex with me after drink spiked. Affected me really badly.

Raped again at 23 by guy on date with, he robbed me too and I was humiliated and blamed myself. Told no one.

Raped once more at 29. Went from consent to aggressive and wouldn’t stop. Told no one.

Sexually assaulted when asleep by stranger that I didn’t know was in flat. Flat mate invited randoms over and left them and went to bed.

Worn down into having sex by partner/dates.
Put myself in dangerous situations though as I thought I was worthless so I could have avoided a lot of the things that happened but not all. Or men could not rape and I’d be trauma free....

Oooft sorry for the overshare. Never written this down or said it all out loud before.

This thread got me thinking maybe we don't always realise it is sexual assault?
*Story below maybe TW

I've just had a realisation reading this that maybe this one instance I had may have been assault...but I'm not sure. It was definitely inappropriate. I was 15 and there was this 6th former I'd got talking to, I think he was 18. I'm 30 now so was a while ago. Anyway we chatted on MSN, decided to meet up in some forrest part near where we live. While out, we kissed , it was my first kiss . He asked me which 'base' I'd been to, I was so shy, said first (I'd literally never even kissed a boy before)
Then at one point we were sat on a bench and he put my hand inside his trousers. This was way way out of my comfort zone and I took my hand out, then he put it back and said just a little touch. I said I had to go home so we headed out the forest, was dark by now. He said I think it's this way, and something in my gut said no you're telling me the wrong way so I demanded we go the other way and I was right. We got out and he walked me home. I didn't meet up with him again. I trusted my gut instinct that night that he was trying to let me get lost in the dark, we were using phones as torches as couldn't see a thing.
Was it assault? Maybe not but definitely was in appropriate as I was 15. I've never considered it until reading this and pretty much had forgotten about it.

I was only 8.
I haven’t told anybody..
Wish I did now.
I thought it was me.

@SpacePug

This thread got me thinking maybe we don't always realise it is sexual assault? *Story below maybe TW I've just had a realisation reading this that maybe this one instance I had may have been assault...but I'm not sure. It was definitely inappropriate. I was 15 and there was this 6th former I'd got talking to, I think he was 18. I'm 30 now so was a while ago. Anyway we chatted on MSN, decided to meet up in some forrest part near where we live. While out, we kissed , it was my first kiss . He asked me which 'base' I'd been to, I was so shy, said first (I'd literally never even kissed a boy before) Then at one point we were sat on a bench and he put my hand inside his trousers. This was way way out of my comfort zone and I took my hand out, then he put it back and said just a little touch. I said I had to go home so we headed out the forest, was dark by now. He said I think it's this way, and something in my gut said no you're telling me the wrong way so I demanded we go the other way and I was right. We got out and he walked me home. I didn't meet up with him again. I trusted my gut instinct that night that he was trying to let me get lost in the dark, we were using phones as torches as couldn't see a thing. Was it assault? Maybe not but definitely was in appropriate as I was 15. I've never considered it until reading this and pretty much had forgotten about it.

That would be classed as sexual assault.

Well done on following your gut and insisting on going your way.

I know many times I have felt forced into compliance in different situations but after watching Derren Brown - The Push on Netflix it really got me thinking to push back and not comply ever unless I choose to or believe it’s the right thing.

I’m really sorry to read that this has happened to so many of us.

@Riapia

I was only 8. I haven’t told anybody.. Wish I did now. I thought it was me.

I’m so sorry Riapia 💔❤️

@FuzzyDiamond

Have gained stones and stones of weight in last few years and I realised I’m happier invisible.

Sexually abused as a young child. Was my childminders husband.

Raped at 20 abroad. I woke up with stranger having sex with me after drink spiked. Affected me really badly.

Raped again at 23 by guy on date with, he robbed me too and I was humiliated and blamed myself. Told no one.

Raped once more at 29. Went from consent to aggressive and wouldn’t stop. Told no one.

Sexually assaulted when asleep by stranger that I didn’t know was in flat. Flat mate invited randoms over and left them and went to bed.

Worn down into having sex by partner/dates.
Put myself in dangerous situations though as I thought I was worthless so I could have avoided a lot of the things that happened but not all. Or men could not rape and I’d be trauma free....

Oooft sorry for the overshare. Never written this down or said it all out loud before.

Fuzzy Diamond,

I’m so sorry you went through all of this.

I hope you realize how worthy you are to be loved and cared for by yourself and others and NOT abused.

I'm so sorry for the experiences I'm reading on this thread

Yes sexually abused as a child by my step father.

I think I was sexually abused by a doctor.

As a teen had a lot of lads grope me.
As a older teen older men making passes at me and being angry when turned down.

How would you class an eleven year old girl sitting in the car with her father and he runs/tickles the inside of her thighs from her knees to her private area, but not touching her private area.... just saying men are going to touch you like this and girls like it.

Nothing else ever happened again.

But if this was your daughter... what would you say? Or do?

I thought I had NC.
It wasn’t my idea to startdo it.

Sexually assaulted more times than I can count, raped once. Most of the women I know have had similar or worse experiences. I think YANBU at all to think it is extremely common.

I've never been sexual assaulted, I'm 35.

Pretty sure I'm unapproachable looking so maybe that's why

I'm confused about the voting but agree with you.

I agree about the weight/invisibility thing too.

@Pattypans

How would you class an eleven year old girl sitting in the car with her father and he runs/tickles the inside of her thighs from her knees to her private area, but not touching her private area.... just saying men are going to touch you like this and girls like it.

Nothing else ever happened again.

But if this was your daughter... what would you say? Or do?

If it was my DD and this man was her dad or stepdad, I would want to chop his fucking noncey rapist's fingers off. He would be out of our lives sharpish, and I would be trying hard to persuade my DD to go to the police.

Yes, certainly I have (as a child and as an adult) and all of my close female friends have as well.

Mine was my step dad.

I've never experienced serious sexual assault. I have posted elsewhere on here about someone smacking my bottom in the office (in front of people) in the mid 90s.

But I can't think of anything else. I read Laura Bate's book about Everyday Sexism and she appears to be harassed more on a random commute than I have been in my entire life. Maybe I just had something emblazoned across my forehead my entire life saying don't even think about it (I am not counting the wolf whistling from building sites etc but that's not assault, although it is harassment).

The majority of women I know, including myself have been sexually assaulted at some point.

I worked in bars for years so was constantly groped, I've been raped, I woke up to a male friend masturbating and trying to finger me etc

I honestly don't feel any woman is ever truly safe.

Raped three times, assaulted/groped more times than I can count. When I told my auntie (who I was very close to) that I'd been raped she asked me what I expected, because I went to clubs and had a drink and let men think I was 'available'. That was 1990 (I was 18 and it was the first time I was raped).

Every woman I know has been assaulted in some way, to some degree.

to everyone here who has experienced sexual assault.

I've been groped. Thankfully nothing more serious than that, to all of you who have.

I’ve been both brutally raped and also had varying amounts of non consensual acts.

Considering the first I’ve had to fight tooth and nail to have both recognised and (hopefully) considered for prosecution, we haven’t a hope with the second.

Most women I’ve disclosed to have had some variation on the theme.

It’s fucking wrong.

Yes. 5 times that I can remember without even having to think about it. And probably more. Mid 50s now

I tried to tell one time but I couldn’t get the words.