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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it my fault my DS isn't as advanced as some toddlers ?

90 replies

anewpost · 20/06/2021 10:49

My DS is 18 months. I would say he's very good at certain skills - his balance is amazing, his dexterity is very good. He can stack a lot of blocks for example ( 9 ). He seems happy, I would say. I try to teach him as much as I can- the colours, the numbers, animals etc.

He knows some words and is being raised bilingual.

He doesn't wave or point a lot, but he has done it. It's just not something he does regularly. He used to wave all the time, now he just doesn't want to as much. He says bye though when people leave etc.

Recently I've met some other 18 month olds and noticed that they're advanced in some areas and not as advanced in others. Waving more and knowing more words etc. But maybe not as good at balance and dexterity ( doing hand stuff ).

I'm just a bit concerned. I've tried very hard to teach him animal noises and colours and he does repeat some animal noises. If you ask him though ' where is the cow ? ' he won't point at it.

The women who's children may be are more ' advanced ' have been more stay at home mums. I went back to work when he was 7 months. I feel stressed about it. I hope he's OK and normal.

I'm basically waiting for him to point things out on a page when I ask him ' where is the cow? ' for example. He does go and get me certain stuffed animals when I ask him. I guess I just worry that I am not doing a good job. Or maybe I'm expecting too much ?

OP posts:

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 20/06/2021 10:52

It's normal for bilingual children to appear a bit behind in their language skills at that age. I was an expat and my kids were some of the few who weren't billingual. I noticed their language was ahead of the billingual kids for the first 2-3 years. Usually the kids with more than one language were slower starters with language then suddenly exploded in both languages.

Apart from that there's just a huge variation in development at that age and kids work on different skills at different times. If you talk to him and engage with him you're not doing anything wrong. He sounds like a lovely, happy boy!

Thehop · 20/06/2021 10:52

He sounds fine. They’re all different. Stop pushing and just enjoy playing with him whilst he’s little.

Steelesauce · 20/06/2021 10:53

Comparison is the thief of joy. Stop comparing your son to others and just enjoy him for who he is. Being brought up bilingual does delay speech slightly but not for bad reasons, it just takes them a while to get their heads around it. Is he in childcare if you work? They'd raise any red flags to you. Its nothing to do with you working btw. Stop the mum guilt over that!

Clickbait · 20/06/2021 10:54

Time to put aside your mum guilt, OP! You sound like a great mum and he sounds like he's doing absolutely fine.

Original poster

anewpost · 20/06/2021 10:55

He has a nanny. She thinks he's fine and very good with his body / balance / dexterity specifically.

OP posts:

GreenCrayon · 20/06/2021 10:55

You're expecting way too much and honestly you sound exceedingly stressed about it all when in reality he and the other children all sound perfectly fine.

Development is not linear. Some will be more capable and competent in one area and others will find other skills easier to 'master'.

It has nothing to do with the fact they have stay at home parents or whether their children go to nursery, they all develop at different speeds and that's fine.

Please stop trying to get him to perform certain milestones and just enjoy him being a toddler.

Original poster

anewpost · 20/06/2021 10:56

Thanks. I feel like maybe I started too early trying to teach him different animals. I feel like I need to teach him things all the time and ask him. It's really tiring.

So sometimes I take a break and then I feel guilty that I'm not trying to teach him enough things.

OP posts:

Original poster

anewpost · 20/06/2021 10:57

I saw a video online of an 18 month old baby repeating about 10 animal sounds when the mother asked. That set me off ....

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 20/06/2021 10:58

Unless you shut him in a box whilst you work (if you do then let him out) then your working has nothing to do with his development.

Development wise, does he have a few words that he can use in context? Will he use words or gestures to share things with you (like saying dog if you see one, or pointing at his drink to ask you to pass it)? Does he understand things you say to him eg fetch your shoes? These are the important thi gs to look out for at his age.

GreenCrayon · 20/06/2021 10:59

@anewpost

Thanks. I feel like maybe I started too early trying to teach him different animals. I feel like I need to teach him things all the time and ask him. It's really tiring.

So sometimes I take a break and then I feel guilty that I'm not trying to teach him enough things.

He's not even 2 yet, you don't need to actively teach him anything. All you need to do is play with him and talk to him. He has decades ahead of him to learn.

Please don't spend the little time they get as children trying to cram his head full of stuff just because you think that's what he should be learning, let him learn through play and you'll find he's much more likely to pick it up organically.

Original poster

anewpost · 20/06/2021 11:01

@GreenCrayon thank you. I always ask him things.. and it's frustrating when he doesn't respond. Or when he does it inconsistently. I think he's sick of it ! Where's the dog.? What sound does the cow make ? He just looks at me like ' leave me alone mum '.

OP posts:

Original poster

anewpost · 20/06/2021 11:02

@BarbarianMum

Unless you shut him in a box whilst you work (if you do then let him out) then your working has nothing to do with his development.

Yes I would say he does all those things. Pointing doesn't happen all the time, but he lets you know he wants things. He has quite a few words he uses in context too. He says a lot of words, but not as clearly as some of the other toddlers I've met his age.

OP posts:

GreenCrayon · 20/06/2021 11:02

[quote anewpost]@GreenCrayon thank you. I always ask him things.. and it's frustrating when he doesn't respond. Or when he does it inconsistently. I think he's sick of it ! Where's the dog.? What sound does the cow make ? He just looks at me like ' leave me alone mum '. [/quote]
Well can you blame him. He's not a performing monkey and he's no more or less likely to succeed in life than a child who can say 10 animal sounds at 1 likely by rote.

Please stop worrying and just enjoy him.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 20/06/2021 11:03

Children are all very different and progress at different stages.
Some who appear ahead end up slowing down and evening out to their peers later on, some that appear to be developing slower or even behind end up catching up or exceeding.
If motherhood has taught me one thing with my brood it's not to compare, I had a child with a development delay, he is now ahead of his peers.
I have had one that appeared to struggle more in primary but now in secondary is doing much better.
They all grow at different rates.
It certainly isn't your fault.

Your child sounds fine don't worry.

mynameiscalypso · 20/06/2021 11:03

[quote anewpost]@GreenCrayon thank you. I always ask him things.. and it's frustrating when he doesn't respond. Or when he does it inconsistently. I think he's sick of it ! Where's the dog.? What sound does the cow make ? He just looks at me like ' leave me alone mum '. [/quote]
Honestly, he probably is sick of it. Children learn through fun and playing rather than feeling like they're being tested all the time. I have a similar aged DS who doesn't really say many words yet but he says far more with me when we're just playing around and being silly than when my DH quizzes him the whole time.

BarbarianMum · 20/06/2021 11:05

Just to add, I do remember the worry. My first felt like an exam I had to pass, that I would be judged as a bad mum if he didnt know his colours , or sing along to the nursery rhymes at singing group (the little stinker never did), when he wouldnt sit nicely for story time like all the other children (well actually, looking back half of them didnt but it always felt like he was worse). I would love to have that time back again but without the worry, that's why I advise other mums to relax (not because I found it easy).

Original poster

anewpost · 20/06/2021 11:05

@mynameiscalypso I think you're right. It's also not fun. But I feel like I have to do something. This pressure to teach teach teach. Clearly it's not the right way. I'll just play with him and explain things. Rather than quizzing !

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/06/2021 11:05

It sounds like you are doing a great job to me

Original poster

anewpost · 20/06/2021 11:07

@BarbarianMum

Thank you for sharing ! It does feel like an exam ! Also my husband is a bit of an idiot and said the other day ' what's the nanny taught him ? ' I thought she was supposed to be a good nanny. We pay an arm and a leg etc. Just made me feel shit. Nanny is great.

OP posts:

Dutch1e · 20/06/2021 11:17

Babies and toddlers can't learn everything at once and they seem to swing between gross motor skills, fine motor skills, 'academic' stuff, and social skills.

Your son seems to be expanding his motor skills and right now probably couldn't give a toss about animal noises etc.

Just echoing the pp's, he sounds perfect.

ineedaholidaynow · 20/06/2021 11:24

If he is not saying things clearly or doesn’t always respond to you, have you had his hearing checked recently?

Camomila · 20/06/2021 11:24

My DS2 is coming up for 18m and is being brought up bilingual. He knows maybe 5 words? I have no idea if he knows what colours are and he can only do one animal sound (dinosaur - raaar!)

He is very good at walking, climbing, and throwing a ball though 😊

I think its very normal for them to focus on one thing at a time (conversely my DS1 could say about 50 words at the same age but only started walking at 15m)

Unsure33 · 20/06/2021 11:24

Just relax .my nephew said hardly a word at 3 . Now you can’t keep him quiet and he is doing great at school . Don’t compare just enjoy.

ObviousNameChage · 20/06/2021 11:25

There's no prize for knowing the animal sounds at 18 months.
No job application asks what they were able to do as a baby.
As long as he's happy,playing, interacting and curious about the world around him (which at that age is very small) he's fine.

DD was speech delayed, had very few words (even older than your son) and only I could understand her. She's top of the class now and fairly well balanced in all areas.

You need to remember he's still a baby .

Di11y · 20/06/2021 11:26

I've heard it said that children are walkers or talkers i.e. they focus on 1 area more. so if he's busy building towers etc he's just less interested in animal noises, colours etc.

I suggest you take a look at baby centre or something for accurate milestones and age appropriate games.

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