Is it my fault my DS isn't as advanced as some toddlers ?

[anewpost]

My DS is 18 months. I would say he's very good at certain skills - his balance is amazing, his dexterity is very good. He can stack a lot of blocks for example ( 9 ). He seems happy, I would say. I try to teach him as much as I can- the colours, the numbers, animals etc.

He knows some words and is being raised bilingual.

He doesn't wave or point a lot, but he has done it. It's just not something he does regularly. He used to wave all the time, now he just doesn't want to as much. He says bye though when people leave etc.

Recently I've met some other 18 month olds and noticed that they're advanced in some areas and not as advanced in others. Waving more and knowing more words etc. But maybe not as good at balance and dexterity ( doing hand stuff ).

I'm just a bit concerned. I've tried very hard to teach him animal noises and colours and he does repeat some animal noises. If you ask him though ' where is the cow ? ' he won't point at it.

The women who's children may be are more ' advanced ' have been more stay at home mums. I went back to work when he was 7 months. I feel stressed about it. I hope he's OK and normal.

I'm basically waiting for him to point things out on a page when I ask him ' where is the cow? ' for example. He does go and get me certain stuffed animals when I ask him. I guess I just worry that I am not doing a good job. Or maybe I'm expecting too much ?

I think my mum's view on this has influenced how much of it I think is up to me, rather than up to my child.

She was always critical of my sister's children for not speaking enough. She said my sister and I spoke very early ( we are also bilingual ) and we could read by the time we went to school.

Same with potty training. My sis and I were fully potty trained by 18 months apparently, but she'd always slag off my sister to me for the fact that it took her kids until they were 3. Again, she said it's because my sisters is lazy and disorganised.

She also always pointed out how my sister's kids don't speak enough etc and it was my sister's fault for not trying hard enough. Because of course it's the mother's fault. So I've just been trying and trying and trying in the best way I know, but it's actually all a but screwed up. It's not a mother's fault. My mum is toxic, I think.

When she says this stuff about my sister's children I always tell her to be quiet and that she's being very unkind. But it has rubbed off, I think.

[quote KingscoteStaff]@anewpost. What happens if you are sitting with him and a book and his favourite teddy and you ask the teddy to point at the cow and the teddy ‘points’ at the sheep? Would he correct the teddy?[/quote]
I've not tried that !

It sounds like you need to ditch contact with your mum and enjoy your child. Problem solved.

@anewpost

I think my mum's view on this has influenced how much of it I think is up to me, rather than up to my child.

She was always critical of my sister's children for not speaking enough. She said my sister and I spoke very early ( we are also bilingual ) and we could read by the time we went to school.

Same with potty training. My sis and I were fully potty trained by 18 months apparently, but she'd always slag off my sister to me for the fact that it took her kids until they were 3. Again, she said it's because my sisters is lazy and disorganised.

She also always pointed out how my sister's kids don't speak enough etc and it was my sister's fault for not trying hard enough. Because of course it's the mother's fault. So I've just been trying and trying and trying in the best way I know, but it's actually all a but screwed up. It's not a mother's fault. My mum is toxic, I think.

When she says this stuff about my sister's children I always tell her to be quiet and that she's being very unkind. But it has rubbed off, I think.

Your mum is a dick. I have one of those too.

She still wonders why DD doesn't speak her language. The answer it's pretty simple. It's so DD can't understand her bullshit.

I was also this miracle child potty trained at 6 months, talking and reciting poems at 2 ... bla bla bla bloody bla. DD by comparison wasn't. I'm trying to "please" my daughter and do the right thing for her. My mother and her opinions are irrelevant.

I think he's sick of it ! Where's the dog.? What sound does the cow make ? He just looks at me like ' leave me alone mum '.

@anewpost this reminds me of me trying to get my baby to put balls in holes (something they're supposed to start doing at her age). I've seen her do it so she definitely can, but she looks at me like "why on earth would I do that mummy, when pulling them out and throwing them around is so much more fun? " 😂😂

At just 18 months, he doesn't need to be 'taught' anything at all. He's a baby, still making sense of the world around him, and all sorts of information is going into his head - most of it he won't even be aware of.
He has years of formal education ahead of him. Let him play - with toys, with paints, with water, and let him explore his surroundings. It will all come in time.

My friend's son did know all his animals but if you asked him at that age, being a comedian you got random answers and a giggle
'what noise does a cow make?' - woof woof
'what colour is the grass?' - red etc.

All kids are different, there has to be extremes - some do more some do less to get an average or life would be very boring

[quote anewpost]@GreenCrayon thank you. I always ask him things.. and it's frustrating when he doesn't respond. Or when he does it inconsistently. I think he's sick of it ! Where's the dog.? What sound does the cow make ? He just looks at me like ' leave me alone mum '. [/quote]
Poor little sausage, please, please stop comparing him with other babies. It’s unfair on him, puts unnecessary pressure on you and overshadows everything.
My mother compared me with her friends’ children my whole bloody life and I never matched up.
I made a very conscious decision not to do that with my children and refused to join in the ‘Mine does this or that’ because every single child is an individual and deserves to be recognised as that.

I hope you are feeling reassured and realising that you should just enjoy your DS and allowing him to develop etc.

I have 4 DC, the eldest started speaking at 10months and spoke crystal clear and in complex sentences of 12-15 words by 18 months everyone thought she was older than she was. My youngest had severe speech delay, middle two were average.

Same upbringing 🤷🏽‍♀️

He sounds completely fine OP, especially as he is bilingual so is code switching. Being bilingual is such an amazing gift to give him. And child development is definitely not linear. 18 months is a lovely age so I hope you can enjoy him and ignore your mum's criticism (hard, I know). I work in child health and spend a lot of time reassuring parents on things like this - often driven by hypercritical grandparents who have completely misremembered developmental milestones and have a rosy view of their own parenting.

@anewpost - when ds1 was 2 years old, he had a vocabulary of only 35 words - and some of them were his words for things - air-see-see for airplane and cor-cuck-cuck for helicopter, for example. I was in hospital at that time, with ds2 who was 6 weeks old, and was so bored I made a list of all ds1’s words. I was worried, because other children his age were talking much more - and much more clearly than ds1.

By the time he was at school, the main problem was getting him to stop talking, if he got going on his specialist subject - trains. I lost count of the number of adults he backed into corners, to give them many, many facts about Class 50 diesel locos!

He went on to study Law at university - arguably a subject where you have to be good with words, and confident to speak publicly.

I’m telling you this to show that children all develop at different speeds, but that doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong, or that your ds won’t catch up in the areas where you feel he is behind. He is definitely ahead of where my ds1 was, at his age - he knows words in two languages, whereas ds1 knew only a few, in one.

I also believe that the parents who are worrying about how good a parent they are - parents like you - are not going to be neglectful parents - the very fact that you are reflecting on, and worrying about, your parenting, to me means that you ARE a good parent! I don’t think neglectful parents have that ability to reflect on, and want to change their parenting, to anything like the same degree.

It is difficult to just stop worrying - I know that - and parenthood brings many, many things that we can worry and fret about - but it isn’t good for any of us to worry too much.

Mind you - if you do find the secret to stopping the fretting and lying awake worrying, please do share it, because I don’t think I have mastered it yet - and my dses are 24, 26 and nearly 28!

Your baby is fine, maybe even a bit advanced for his age,. Your problem is your mother. Just smile and ignore everything she says.

He’s a baby, you don’t need to teach him at this age. It’s meant to be fun, play is learning at this age until they go to school. I’d worry if he was clearly not doing something he should within a specific age range or if he stops doing things he could and regresses or behaves unusually.

Your baby sounds totally normal. Your mum sounds overbearing. Don’t compare your baby so harshly to others. At 18 months he’s tiny and new & it’s supposed to be a journey with him enjoying his baby and toddlerhood before starting school.

Maybe things need to be more fun, you are perhaps being too intense trying to teach him - perhaps he doesn’t like cows who knows. If you have real concerns go to health visitor or gp and ask for a paeds referral. Otherwise just focus on your baby and enjoy him, you blink and they are 19 and driving round the country with friends.

The reason an issue is made of pointing and waving is that lack of these skills is associated with autism. It doesn't mean every child who doesn't point or wave has autism though. The pointing is very specific to the child's pointing at an object to bring it to their adult's attention, as when a child does this they are demonstrating that they understand the adult has a separate mind from theirs and has likely not noticed the object. The child with autism is less likely to have made that connection, and won't try to direct attention as they don't realise that the adult hasn't noticed. They assume that because they have seen something then the adult has too.

Waving is reciprocal behaviour which is largely instinctive but again, children with autism are less likely to know that when someone waves at them, or smiles at them, then they mirror that back to the person. (I have memories of my mum waving goodbye to my dc and just getting a stolid stare in return smiles were the same, he never responded appropriately).

These clearly aren't things you need to worry about, especially as your ds's receptive language is fine: he understands what you say and can demonstrate his understanding, even if he's not impressed by your asking (which he can also express, another positive). Try not to compare just one skill, as children can be ahead on some skills but not on others. Your ds is very advanced in terms of his gross and fine motor skills, which is fantastic. He might not be ahead with his language skills, unsurprisingly, but so what? he's got plenty of time to catch up on that.

You honestly needn't worry. He isn't behind, he really isn't.

@TheNoodlesIncident

The reason an issue is made of pointing and waving is that lack of these skills is associated with autism. It doesn't mean every child who doesn't point or wave has autism though. The pointing is very specific to the child's pointing at an object to bring it to their adult's attention, as when a child does this they are demonstrating that they understand the adult has a separate mind from theirs and has likely not noticed the object. The child with autism is less likely to have made that connection, and won't try to direct attention as they don't realise that the adult hasn't noticed. They assume that because they have seen something then the adult has too.

Waving is reciprocal behaviour which is largely instinctive but again, children with autism are less likely to know that when someone waves at them, or smiles at them, then they mirror that back to the person. (I have memories of my mum waving goodbye to my dc and just getting a stolid stare in return smiles were the same, he never responded appropriately).

These clearly aren't things you need to worry about, especially as your ds's receptive language is fine: he understands what you say and can demonstrate his understanding, even if he's not impressed by your asking (which he can also express, another positive). Try not to compare just one skill, as children can be ahead on some skills but not on others. Your ds is very advanced in terms of his gross and fine motor skills, which is fantastic. He might not be ahead with his language skills, unsurprisingly, but so what? he's got plenty of time to catch up on that.

You honestly needn't worry. He isn't behind, he really isn't.

Thank you for explaining that so well. I never knew that was those were the reasons behind the pointing and waving thing.