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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP - Abusive what’s apps

89 replies

Blueskies222 · 19/06/2021 04:07

Hi all,

I’ve name changed for this as it’s outing.

I know it’s late/early I just cannot sleep with this on my mind.

I have a DP, 31 years old, in January of this year I asked him to leave as he was shouting at me in front of the children. We remained together (or so I thought) but I told him we cannot live under the same roof until he got some help (he did speak to someone who diagnosed severe anxiety disorder and depression but never bothered to complete the programme offered to identify best treatment).

Fast forward to recently, he had been in a bad mood all day on Wednesday and was coming to see the children that evening after work. I was still working and was on the phone when he knocked the door. The what’s app attached is how he spoke to me.

On Thursday I also found out that he had been messaging 19-year-olds on social media, and commenting 😍 under pictures. I don’t have social media and only just found this out so could have been going on for a while. When confronted he told me we wasn’t together and he doesn’t care if I saw anything. I think he was more concerned that I had “caught him out”.

I know right from wrong, I know that the way he is speaking to me is wrong but when you are in the middle of it all it’s hard to see the wood through the trees. Especially when you are 36 weeks pregnant.

I need some firm words here from you all.

DP - Abusive what’s apps
DP - Abusive what’s apps
DP - Abusive what’s apps
OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
QueenBee52 · 19/06/2021 04:09

Ditch him 🌸

imsanehonest · 19/06/2021 04:44

Urgh that's a manchild. I can't even tell what half those texts mean. Tell him you will communicate ONLY about the children, anything else will be ignored. Don't rise to the bait. Be strong.

SionnachGlic · 19/06/2021 04:55

So...if I understand it, you told him to leave & he comes up after work to see the kids...so he has moved out already? And so far as you are concerned the relationship is still going. If I have it right (which I may not as I am not entirely sure that he moved out & stayed out), if he has moved out then that's half the battle. His tone in the screenshots comes across as rough & angry so I'd be just telling him he is staying on the other side of the front door until it all calms down & a reasonable respectful discussion can occur...that's if it was a once-off & totally out of character. The texting 19 year olds piece would finish it for me. I'd be telling him to piss off & enjoy his freedom cos he has it now. How dare he, you have kids together & another baby about to arrive any minute. I know that the idea of being alone is overwhelming but, in my experience, it is better to be alone & a bit overwhelmed than to be dealing with a partner who treats you badly & makes life so much harder. He sounds like an aresehole.

Original poster
Blueskies222 · 19/06/2021 05:06

@SionnachGlic

So...if I understand it, you told him to leave & he comes up after work to see the kids...so he has moved out already? And so far as you are concerned the relationship is still going. If I have it right (which I may not as I am not entirely sure that he moved out & stayed out), if he has moved out then that's half the battle. His tone in the screenshots comes across as rough & angry so I'd be just telling him he is staying on the other side of the front door until it all calms down & a reasonable respectful discussion can occur...that's if it was a once-off & totally out of character. The texting 19 year olds piece would finish it for me. I'd be telling him to piss off & enjoy his freedom cos he has it now. How dare he, you have kids together & another baby about to arrive any minute. I know that the idea of being alone is overwhelming but, in my experience, it is better to be alone & a bit overwhelmed than to be dealing with a partner who treats you badly & makes life so much harder. He sounds like an aresehole.
Yes, already moved out but we didn’t break up. He has not stayed the night since. Re the 19 year old thing - I said the same, how dare he do that knowing he has a baby on the way, to then say he’s done nothing wrong because we weren’t together anyway. I feel so gaslighted.

Thanks for taking the time to respond x

OP posts:
AdjustableAssholeSettings · 19/06/2021 05:11

Just stop rising to those nasty messages. Ignore and only respond when necessary.
Even better, block and tell him that he has to email you from now on and give him an email address set up for his messages only.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 19/06/2021 05:30

Unpleasant and barely literate. LTB not strong enough, more of a "fire him into outer space".

Sciurus83 · 19/06/2021 05:36

Time to finish it once and for all. You've done the hard bit and got him out the house. Cut the cord.

LunaNorth · 19/06/2021 05:42

Ugh, he’s horrible.

Cookiemonster92 · 19/06/2021 06:43

He sounds like a narcissist with the rudeness, the controlling behaviour and the manipulation and gaslighting! I speak from experience with a narcissist and a small baby when I say run for the hills!! It’s terrifying making that decision but you’re halfway there as he doesn’t live in the same house anymore. I promise raising children is so much easier mentally when you don’t have a grownup narcissistic child to deal with at the same time, and in all honestly it sounds like he doesn’t respect or love you much at all… imagine what your children will grow up like if they see that kind of behaviour and think it’s acceptable?

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 19/06/2021 07:17

OP he sounds absolutely vile. Keep him on the other side of that door. Make it clear the relationship is over. Make arrangements for CS and visitation and nothing else.

omgthepain · 19/06/2021 07:19

Block his number and then phone the police and get an incident number
Doorbell camera installed
Non-molestation order needed
Police warning to him

He's not your problem just steer clear he sounds like he needs sectioning!

VettiyaIruken · 19/06/2021 07:26

Jesus. I'd be reporting those. He is making clear threats.

Original poster
Blueskies222 · 19/06/2021 08:00

Thanks all for your responses. The issue is the kids to be honest, he has been coming round when he feels like it to see the children. This is usually for 1 to 2 hours after work two to three times a week. At the weekend we won’t see him as he is either sleeping in till 12pm or out/with friends.
I have decided - since the 19 year old saga and messaging other females that I do not want him in my home, the atmosphere is awful and I don’t have to share my space with someone that calls me “a fucking weirdo”. Therefore visitation should take place at his or he takes them out.

See attached the response I get for this...

I’m moving 70 miles away in the next few weeks, a move that he was meant to be making too when he got his licence. I don’t particularly want someone staying over that has treated me with such disrespect but how would he see the kids? It’s really niggling at me because I think he’s going to make my life unbearable.

DP - Abusive what’s apps
DP - Abusive what’s apps
DP - Abusive what’s apps
OP posts:
Original poster
Blueskies222 · 19/06/2021 08:01

I know he’s quite illiterate. He has dyslexia but of course speaks like a teenager too.

OP posts:
pursuedbyablackdog · 19/06/2021 08:17

Does he smoke weed? He comes across as off his head and damaged goods. He needs to work through his issues and until he accepts that he needs some help, he'll be a pain in the backside. He's not your problem to solve, so don't start feeling sorry for him. You've been very clear and calm in your messages, but he's not listening. Walk away op he won't be good for you or the children.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 19/06/2021 08:28

Take care op, I don’t know what to advise you. I feel quite frightened of him just reading his messages. He sounds really unstable. I think you need professional advice.

HollowTalk · 19/06/2021 08:36

You sound like an intelligent and articulate woman. What the hell are you doing with this man?

Original poster
Blueskies222 · 19/06/2021 08:38

@HollowTalk

You sound like an intelligent and articulate woman. What the hell are you doing with this man?
Unfortunately, when we first meet people like this, true colours do not come out until it’s too late. I only stayed for the children otherwise I would of left ages ago. He is very much damaged goods.
OP posts:
Original poster
Blueskies222 · 19/06/2021 08:39

@pursuedbyablackdog

Does he smoke weed? He comes across as off his head and damaged goods. He needs to work through his issues and until he accepts that he needs some help, he'll be a pain in the backside. He's not your problem to solve, so don't start feeling sorry for him. You've been very clear and calm in your messages, but he's not listening. Walk away op he won't be good for you or the children.
He use to smoke weed, quit (apparently) about 2 months ago.
OP posts:
Temp023 · 19/06/2021 08:41

I am baffled as to how everything was okay with this man 8 months ago, such that you were okay to conceive a child with him. This kind of thing can’t be entirely new for him surely!

AOwlAOwlAOwl · 19/06/2021 08:44

He talks like a real loser. It must be hard knowing your kids dad is such a waste of space.

But like everyone says he's out the house which is the hard part so well done. And I hope your move works out well for you.

Watchingyou2sleezes · 19/06/2021 08:45

@HollowTalk

You sound like an intelligent and articulate woman. What the hell are you doing with this man?
Exactly what I thought
Original poster
Blueskies222 · 19/06/2021 08:45

@Temp023

I am baffled as to how everything was okay with this man 8 months ago, such that you were okay to conceive a child with him. This kind of thing can’t be entirely new for him surely!
It deteriorated very quickly during lockdown unfortunately. I didn’t want to have another child with him, but didn’t find out until it was quite late in pregnancy and due to COVID abortion clinic wait times are huge, which would of pushed me over the weeks I felt comfortable with having one at.
OP posts:
Naunet · 19/06/2021 08:47

God he sounds thick, he can’t even form a cohesive text, and I say that as someone who is also dyslexic. Getting to 30 and not knowing the difference between No and Know, is not down to dyslexia.

You can do so much better than this moron. Move, get far away from him. He can come and visit the kids, but not in your house. It’s really not your problem where he stays, he should have considered that before thinking he could threaten you.

RizzleRazzle · 19/06/2021 08:51

He talks like a jumped up teenage roadman. I can't believe he's 31. He sounds pathetic.