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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP - Abusive what’s apps

89 replies

Blueskies222 · 19/06/2021 04:07

Hi all,

I’ve name changed for this as it’s outing.

I know it’s late/early I just cannot sleep with this on my mind.

I have a DP, 31 years old, in January of this year I asked him to leave as he was shouting at me in front of the children. We remained together (or so I thought) but I told him we cannot live under the same roof until he got some help (he did speak to someone who diagnosed severe anxiety disorder and depression but never bothered to complete the programme offered to identify best treatment).

Fast forward to recently, he had been in a bad mood all day on Wednesday and was coming to see the children that evening after work. I was still working and was on the phone when he knocked the door. The what’s app attached is how he spoke to me.

On Thursday I also found out that he had been messaging 19-year-olds on social media, and commenting 😍 under pictures. I don’t have social media and only just found this out so could have been going on for a while. When confronted he told me we wasn’t together and he doesn’t care if I saw anything. I think he was more concerned that I had “caught him out”.

I know right from wrong, I know that the way he is speaking to me is wrong but when you are in the middle of it all it’s hard to see the wood through the trees. Especially when you are 36 weeks pregnant.

I need some firm words here from you all.

DP - Abusive what’s apps
DP - Abusive what’s apps
DP - Abusive what’s apps
OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
HalzTangz · 19/06/2021 10:15

I would just move,let him take you to the court for visitation.
It's his problem to arrange transport to see his child, not yours.

How old is he, he talks like a 15 year old

Original poster
Blueskies222 · 19/06/2021 10:17

Thanks for responses, they are helping.

He doesn’t have a key, also never been violent. He is verbally abusive and can be relentless with it. Message after message, it’s literally a tirade.

I just wish I didn’t have to let him see children, it’s going to be so difficult to arrange.

I also don’t want him at the birth, is that wrong? I would rather give birth alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueskies222 · 19/06/2021 10:19

@HalzTangz

I would just move,let him take you to the court for visitation. It's his problem to arrange transport to see his child, not yours.

How old is he, he talks like a 15 year old

31 believe it or not. Has a keen interest in 19 year olds which probably better suits mental age.
OP posts:
EnfieldRes · 19/06/2021 10:21

This is all ridiculous.
What a mistake to get involved with him and have multiple kids with him but appreciate you didn't realise at the time.

He is making threats (and making no sense.. possibly a bit paranoid?) I think you should end direct communication it can't be helping your mental health receiving all this nonsense. Consult a family solicitor if you are able to. Ideally all communication going via solicitor. Mediation sounds like a starting point for getting some access and routine in place for DC.

Umberellatheweatha · 19/06/2021 10:24

He absolutely has no right to be at the birth. It's all about the mothers comfort. But you need to tell the relevant people before hand. Make sure they are pre warmed that dad is abusive and you dobt want him near you at the birth or in the hospital after.

Also, dont tell anyone that would relay the information to him when you go into labour.

stevalnamechanger · 19/06/2021 10:24

Ugh "KMT"

Rude . Ditch this loser .

Original poster
Blueskies222 · 19/06/2021 10:32

I don’t mind if he comes afterwards but actually during the birth would make me feel uncomfortable especially as I feel quite violated by his behaviour during this pregnancy. I just don’t want to be malicious.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueskies222 · 19/06/2021 10:33

Yes, he is paranoid, extremely. I think this is part of the anxiety disorder?

OP posts:
TherapistInATabard · 19/06/2021 10:35

@Blueskies222

Yes, he is paranoid, extremely. I think this is part of the anxiety disorder?
Or copious weed smoking!
Fromneverland · 19/06/2021 10:40

Christ he’s horrible. Cut ties. If he does get back with you he will likely abuse you all the more now and try holding this against you and making it all your fault. What a nightmare.
He is clearly wanting an argument to “win” , and is so irate with you not giving him that in the texts.

cocoloco987 · 19/06/2021 10:41

Ugh reminds me of my ex. Once he'd calmed down he'd just try to carry on like nothing ever happened- till the next time you aren't at his back and call immediately. It doesn't get better OP. He said he's done nothing wrong as you aren't together so I'd stick with that now!

cocoloco987 · 19/06/2021 10:48

Re the move and hun seeing the children - I'd imagine the effort will be too much. I'd just oaky that by ear just now. Let him take you to court. Not sure he'll bother tbh and he's not going to impress any huddle going on like this

Sawyersfishbiscuits · 19/06/2021 11:01

Honestly I'd be emigrating. He's not the full shilling is he?
He's so nasty and it's like he thinks it's fine.
I wouldn't be conversing over WhatsApp with him. I'd set up
a co-parenting app and delete/block him. That way he can only contact you on the app and you can still have a record of these messages.

Oldraver · 19/06/2021 11:01

@Blueskies222

Yes, he is paranoid, extremely. I think this is part of the anxiety disorder?
More like weed psychosis

I would actually block him on all media. Set up an email account to arrange contact and if you can let a family member monitor this so he can't abuse you through that

SprinklesMcDoodles · 19/06/2021 11:07

I’m sorry this is not going to be nice to hear. You don’t want him at the hospital at all. He will ruin the first days of your baby’s life. I guarantee if you let him in he will act nice until he realises you aren’t falling for his shit. Go to the police with the messages, tell the hospital you don’t want him anywhere near you or the baby and get custody sorted. I’m sorry this is happening to you but he’s only going to get worse. Feel free to DM me if you need a friendly ear.

SamMil · 19/06/2021 11:11

I would be contacting a professional to mediate & draw up visitation arrangements (not at your house) and discuss how to manage this after you have moved.

In the meantime, keep contact to a minimum. Only reply to messages directly related to child contact.

SamMil · 19/06/2021 11:12

Oh and definitely don't let him at the hospital when you give birth!

Chad23 · 19/06/2021 11:20

This man sounds terrifying and I think you need to try and think of the impact that his involvement in your life is having on your children. Your children will be able to pick up on the worry and anxiety you feel when you receive messages from him and will likely be frightened when he just rocks up at the house. It is not in their best interests to have a dad that can just turn up when he wants to if he is unpredictable and threatening. It would actually be much better for them to have a clear plan as to when they are seeing him (and for this to take place in a venue away from the home so they have a safe and secure home to return to) and for this to happen I would be making an application to court. It sounds as though you're feeling guilty because you want a 'normal' family life for your children but that can cause more harm than good in circumstances such as yours. I really hope you've got other people to turn to who can offer you support.

SnottyLottie · 19/06/2021 11:45

OP I am genuinely scared for you!

You really need to sort out mediation and visitation rights so you can have minimal contact with him.

How is he with your daughter? I personally wouldn’t want a man like that anyway near her.

I’d definitely block his number and social media accounts. The new email address an above poster said sounds like a good idea. Install a camera doorbell so you have proof if he comes around being abusive. Tell your midwife about him and make sure your delivery team know that under no circumstances is he to come into the hospital when you are in labour.

Lots of hugs!

Umberellatheweatha · 19/06/2021 11:47

@Blueskies222

Yes, he is paranoid, extremely. I think this is part of the anxiety disorder?
More likely the cluster b personality disorder. The guy is behaving like a sociopath with all that threatening language.
JewelGarden · 19/06/2021 11:50

@Blueskies222

Thanks for responses, they are helping.

He doesn’t have a key, also never been violent. He is verbally abusive and can be relentless with it. Message after message, it’s literally a tirade.

I just wish I didn’t have to let him see children, it’s going to be so difficult to arrange.

I also don’t want him at the birth, is that wrong? I would rather give birth alone.

Oh my god that is not wrong. I wouldn't let him near me at all if I were you, or the kids. You're all vulnerable and he's a fucking psycho.
ElspethFlashman · 19/06/2021 11:51

@Blueskies222

Yes, he is paranoid, extremely. I think this is part of the anxiety disorder?
No it's from the weed.

He definitely hasn't stopped.

agododopushpineapple · 19/06/2021 11:59

He’s 30 years old and uses KMT … seriously.
OP block and ignore. Let him take you to court (he willnever be organised enough to do it).

cappuccinoandcats · 19/06/2021 12:19

Screenshot.
Block him.
Report to police.

HollowTalk · 19/06/2021 12:36

I bet my house he hasn't stopped smoking.

What's his family like? Is there anyone decent there so that he could have visits with the children there?

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