DP - Abusive what’s apps

[Blueskies222]

Hi all,

I’ve name changed for this as it’s outing.

I know it’s late/early I just cannot sleep with this on my mind.

I have a DP, 31 years old, in January of this year I asked him to leave as he was shouting at me in front of the children. We remained together (or so I thought) but I told him we cannot live under the same roof until he got some help (he did speak to someone who diagnosed severe anxiety disorder and depression but never bothered to complete the programme offered to identify best treatment).

Fast forward to recently, he had been in a bad mood all day on Wednesday and was coming to see the children that evening after work. I was still working and was on the phone when he knocked the door. The what’s app attached is how he spoke to me.

On Thursday I also found out that he had been messaging 19-year-olds on social media, and commenting 😍 under pictures. I don’t have social media and only just found this out so could have been going on for a while. When confronted he told me we wasn’t together and he doesn’t care if I saw anything. I think he was more concerned that I had “caught him out”.

I know right from wrong, I know that the way he is speaking to me is wrong but when you are in the middle of it all it’s hard to see the wood through the trees. Especially when you are 36 weeks pregnant.

I need some firm words here from you all.

31? I would have said 19, 20 at a push.
Manchild.

I think as he has made a threat you need to involve the police. This is scary. I don't know what you ever saw in him, he can barely string a sentence together and sounds absolutely thick. Please get away from him. Maybe tell a family member or friend what's happening.

He hasn't been physical yet but mark my words this WILL escalate very quickly. Get far away and let him jump through the hoops for access through the courts at a mediation centre....he won't.
And get those messages backed up and logged with 111, I fear you'll need them.
You've tried and some people are beyond help and are their own worst enemy. Don't let him drag you down and damage those kids.

Also keep a back up phone out of sight in the house and keep both your phone's fully charged. I'd also get a quote for a personal alarm.

If you consider yourself to be in a relationship with him still, then if only for your children’s sake, get out! He has already told you ‘we wasn’t together’ when he was fishing for 19yr old attention, so believe him!
I'm so sorry, I really don't mean to be nasty, but whatever the heck has gone on that hindered your ability to see him for what he so clearly is, needs dealing with.
What you are now seeing is exactly who you chose as the father of your children, and what they will have to deal with in the future, and you owe them everything you can to moderate the effects on them.
You clearly have intelligence, but you also have clearly as you said ended up not being able to see the wood for the trees. Your children will be dealing with that for a long time to come, do whatever it takes to give them a life as undamaged by his attitudes as possible.
Right now he sounds like a manipulative loser trying hard to keep hold of 'it's between you 'n me babe' but the children caught up in this deserve a hell of a lot better as I'm sure you do to. His fear is of the official spotlight being shone on his behaviour, he has good reason to worry and it isn’t because of dyslexia or anxiety disorder its because he knows exactly who he is and how it would be seen.

He's an insecure wannabe Roadman almost certainly with weed induced paranoia/ psychosis, and if that’s not the cause then you have even worse problems!

Doesn't matter if he self-medicated anxiety with weed first, or developed it through use of it, or both, as a father he has deadbeat stamped through him.
You absolutely should be using any ‘power’ you have to protect the children. ‘anxiety disorder’ your ‘power’ etc it’s all part of the control he’s created where he can be the victim and the bully simultaneously.

You have no obligation to have him anywhere you giving birth, and especially if you clearly state that the relationship is over.
Carry on responding the way you have been, don't get into arguments, stay calm and sane and keep all responses. Move those 70 miles, make the children available, but do not give him a place to stay etc, start as you mean to go on or he’ll be back with his feet under the table, making connections with the other wannabe (or worse) roadman in your new area and they’ll become part and parcel of yours and your children’s lives too. Leave him kissing his teeth in the wind.

He certainly won’t get far in court in terms of trying to take the children, they are going to look at their best interests through the same not unreasonably harsh lens that I and others here are seeing him through, and grant him the right to involvement in their lives if he can be bothered to make the effort when it isn't made easy for him, but they certainly aren't going to see him as an ideal resident parent.

It certainly seems like he has the potential to become physical. Please be very careful.

Why are you calling him DP? And not ex? Sounds like he doesn’t consider himself in a relationship with you which is what he said in the messages?

It's up to you who is present in the delivery suite. If you don't want him there, make other 'on call' arrangements to look after kids when the time comes & put a ban on social media announcements that you are in hosp...tell staff that you don't want him there & tell him when baby arrives. You don't need 'support' from a verbally abusive ex (I hope).

OP. You need to stop engaging immediately. You need to seek legal advice. Please, do not engage any further.

Does he have two brain cells to rub together? He sounds like he has a tiny IQ and a massive aggression problem

He's behaving just like my ex did, it was completely impossible to talk to him in any sensible way. I have tons of messaging chains just like yours where I would be talking sensibly and logically and he'd just go off on illogical tangents, generally all about some perceived slight or trying to tell me what I was thinking - but overall making it ALL ABOUT HIM.

He definitely has a personality disorder of some sort, I decided based on his behaviour most likely he was a narc. It took me time to get to realising that he didn't have anybody apart from his own self interests at heart and that our relationship was just a mechanism for him to try to feel good about himself by abusing me.

I ended up suffering for 25 years with him, due to a complex overseas visa arrangement but my advice to you would be to continue to do what you are doing - keep a record in writing of everything. Set firm boundaries for yourself - if you don't want him in the delivery room, that's fine. Take advice on how to facilitate contact - away from your home but also to keep your DC's safe. Get as much help as you can.

You will need to be the stable, safe parent - that's what I'm doing with my DD. Once I got away from her father, I returned to the UK and have set up a home and am the sole parent. He's not contributed a penny since and is living with his parents at the age of 63. Pathetic man child.

Officially make it clear in a text he is now your ex. Notify the police and also your midwife. He will be blocked from access to the delivery and the ward. They may ask for a Safeguarding team meeting. Please don't worry about this they are there to ensure you and baby are safe NOT to take your baby away I promise as some people worry this is what they do. They can help you get support and ensure you have all the correct advice to be safe.
Do not engage further with messages. If me messages take screenshot. I know he is the father but maybe do not put him on the birth certificate as it will give him more rights. And that is something I believe should not be an automatic thing.
But first please spell it out to him you are split. And be strong.

If him talking to 19 year olds makes you realise he is an utter twat and keep him away then I think he just did you the biggest favour of your life!

He sounds grim as hell, I knew men like this growing up. Sucking their teeth at people like they thought they were hard men from an American gangster movie.

Keep this man well away from your bed in future.

Do NOT tell him your new address. You don't have to. Speak to women's aid for advice. I am very worried for all of your safety. I have worked with women fleeing domestic violence and this is ringing lots of alarm bells.