To be so ashamed of my husband causing a scene?

[Vaterinadf]

It was so horrendous. We have 2 DC, 4 and 5 months. Yesterday we couldn't be arsed cooking and our 4 year old has never been to a restaraunt so I suggested we go to the local Pizza Express for dinner. 'D'H whinged about money. He is always complaining about money. Yes things are tight but we are able to stretch to the occasional treat as we have around £150 spare each month, but DH always gets in a tiff about it. I'm not regulary hounding him for treats, but the occasional "Ah shall we just get a takeaway for tonight?" will subject me to a half an hour long rant about how hard he works and about how I waste all his money. I work part-time but am on maternity leave. He reluctantly agreed to go.

As soon as we get in and are sat down, the whinging starts. "It's way too expensive, I want to go somewhere else, come on" (I was BFing 5mo at this point and didn't fancy traipsing around town for somewhere else to eat). I firmly said no, and that the DC will need to be in bed as soon as we get home and I'm not spending time wandering around.

Then he's rude and demanding to the waitress who was literally only a teenager. She asks if we're ready to take our order and we say yes. There's a technical issue with the order taking system she's using and she says "One second, sorry." and DH does a loud, extremely obvious tut that he clearly intended for the waitress to hear. The technical issue was sorted in literally seconds and was an absolute non-issue, the tut was just obnoxious and unnessecary. We then noticed her and another waitress kept glancing over our table so we'd clearly been marked as 'problem' customers. I've worked in hospitality previously and I've found myself risk-assessing tables before, so I felt awful. I did not want to be 'that' table.

I take baby to the bathroom to be changed and come back and the food is being served. DH again continues to just be rude and blunt. The waitress doesn't do anything wrong so he doesn't make complaints but I heard him say "No." (without a thank you) when the waitress asked if he'd like anything else. I thought that was rude. He whinges the whole time while we are eating about the food, the service, the decor etc. I didn't get to have a word in edgeways. The idea of a casual chat over a meal seemed to be lost on him. It was tense and I hated it. Even our 4YO could barely say a word over the monologue.

The waitress ends up dropping a fork on the floor when collecting our empty plates and is extremely apologetic and clearly nervous. DH again tuts and says that he's found the service disgraceful and it's horrendous we weren't offered a high chair for baby (Baby is 5 months ffs, the high chair at home is still boxed up so he was just looking for anything to complain about! It was quite obvious that baby was too young for a highchair so of course we weren't asked.). We ask for the bill and I tell him I think he's been absolutely disgusting and I'm ashamed of him and tell him to go and get the car. He then leaves but starts whinging and being sarcastic, saying crap like "Sorry for breathing." He's gone by the time we get the bill, it's a different waitress to the one who served us. I go up to the one who served us, apologise profusely and give her a £10 tip.

We argue about it when we get home and then he started the pity party about how he is depressed. I'm not saying he makes up his depression, but he only talks about it when I'm upset with him for something. "It's my depression that makes me like this!" and yet he never seeks help. I would never, ever say he just uses depression as an excuse but surely it is now his responsibility to seek help? He's a completely unpleasant human being and I dread him coming home from work every day. He is not the man I married, who I loved. He was kind and loving. I mean it, so kind. Everybody told me I'd got a goodun with him. I miss that man so much. He changed after first DC but has been absolutely insufferable since our recent baby. I don't know what to do. I enjoy being at home during the day with my 2 little ones, and then once DH comes through the door suddenly there is an unbearable tension.

[rwalker]

He clearly didn't want to go in the first place .

[UmamiMammy]

His behaviour was rude..........but forcing someone to go out for a meal when they don't want to never ends well.

Sorry, but a meal out with a 5-month-old and a four-year-old when money is tight does sound like a waste of money.

Having two little ones is tough.......you sound like you both have different priorities, I do understand your desire to go out after being stuck at home with the kids!

[TheRebelle]

I can’t stand people who are right with money, what did it cost in the end, £40? Is it worth being rude and obnoxious and spoiling the family time together for £40? I don’t know if I’d leave him but I’d be having strong words around acceptable behaviour and telling him I’d be leaving him if there’s no improvement. If he’s genuinely depressed then he should seek help but he just sounds like a miserable bastard to me.

[KeepingTrack]

@Bluntness100 does it also work for women victim of abuse when they stay? The behaviour of their abusive partner is something THEY should be ashamed off too??

[Holothane]

Funny how depression always rears it head when they’re stroppy, no I’m not being funny my bloke does it, lucky not to anyone else I get the crap, but I will tell him if he’s out of order.

[Robin233]

What is he depressed about ?

The responsibility of being the main bread winner for 2 small children and having 150 left at the end of the month for emergency???
Think I'd be depressed

And the people who you see going off to the zoo etc .. how do you know what sort of debts they've got.

I really would cut him some slack.
He did not want to go out spending money on fast food , but he did.

Obviously he was bang out of order being rude, but depression makes you feel hopeless- anger makes you feel more in control even if it's only momentarily.

And most men won't rush off to the doctor for depression- or talk to their mates about it. That is why male suicide.

Time to sit down and gently get to the bottom of it. And together figure out a plan forward.

Maybe a permanent treat every other week but show him how you do save money etc

[CinnamonJellyBeans]

Was he always so stingy? It sounds like he is extremely worried about your financial situation.

[wewereliars]

Honestly, my son is 18 and his childhood was a litany of shit like this. I am now trying to repair the damage. Honestly OP, get rid, like yesterday.

[Waitinginmycar]

My FIL is a bit like this: not about money but he can be incredibly rude to staff in restaurants etc. He is either the most charming man you’ve ever met, or the rudest person you’ve ever seen. No in between.

He has passed this on to my husband who sometimes barks at waiters etc, and when I point it out he can’t see what the problem is. He also snaps at me and can be incredibly rude to me. In front of the children.

My greatest worry is that he is now passing this on to our children, who will bark and snap at their partners when they grow up, and so on.

I have no advice but just wanted to tell OP that she is not alone.

[Maggiesfarm]

Your husband behaved dreadfully, op. Going out for lunch with children occasionally is quite normal, even for people with very little spare cash and you do have some spare cash. You are on maternity leave so that means that you contribute.

Tell him where to get off if he does not agree to seeking help with his depression.

Good luck.

[SofiaMichelle]

Has he suddenly changed into an arsehole or has he always been one and you've just noticed it?

He sounds vile.

[CinnamonJellyBeans]

yep, cross posted with Robin. The overall responsibility for finance can be crippling.

[Bluntness100]

[quote KeepingTrack]@Bluntness100 does it also work for women victim of abuse when they stay? The behaviour of their abusive partner is something THEY should be ashamed off too??[/quote]
That’s a complex question and the op doesn’t appear to be a Victim of domestic abuse. Remember this thread is about someone being abusive to wait staff. If you wish to discuss staying with an abusive Man in general it’s best to start a different thread. 💐😏

[MiniCooperLover]

Have you had a blunt conversation and said don't blame the depression? He can't blame depression when he's not even willing to go to the Doctor about our? It's oh so convenient for him isn't it. What a nasty example he's setting to your kids.

[Wolfiefan]

It’s not depression. It’s being a sexist arse and bloody rude.
I have depression. I’ve seen a GP and take medication and have done CBT.
If he didn’t want to go for a meal he could have said no.
If he doesn’t want to pay for takeaway would he cook?
But he doesn’t get to go out, ruin the meal for you all, be rude to a waitress then play the victim.
If he can’t be doing with seeing a GP then you can’t be doing with putting up with his shit.

[Babygotblueyes]

"I would never, ever say he uses his depression as an excuse".

Why not? He clearly is. He may well be feeling bad, but depression doesnt make you treat people like shit.

[LegoCaltrops]

@Vaterinadf

He won’t go to the doctor, he ‘can’t be doing with it’. He goes on about how crippling his depression is but simply won’t consider getting help.

Yeah, it absolutely is women who he always happens to get arsey with.

If that literally is what he says about the idea of getting help with his MH, I'd fire it back at him. Tell him he needs to sort himself out, stop behaving like an arsehole ASAP, or you're leaving. As you can't be doing with it any longer.

FWIW, my DH has MH issues. He's been on & off antidepressants ever since I've known him. 1 serious suicide attempt (before we were together). He isn't an arsehole though, & if he starts behaving unreasonably or irrationally, I tell him & he/we try to sort it. He doesn't bury his head in the sand or take it out on me & DD, because he knows I won't tolerate that shit. I saw enough of that between my parents & it's miserable growing up in a house like that.

Don't be a verbal punchbag for your DH to take his aggression out on.

[nanbread]

Him saying he can't be arsed 'with all that' is him saying 'I don't give a shit about you and our kids, you stay miserable and I will keep touting the I'm depressed excause everytime you pull me on my poor behaviour. But you aren't actually worth my time or effort to fix the situation'

💯

[PickAChew]

He's an absolute bellend. This behaviour is nothing to do with money.

[pigglepot]

@Robin233

What is he depressed about ?

The responsibility of being the main bread winner for 2 small children and having 150 left at the end of the month for emergency???
Think I'd be depressed

And the people who you see going off to the zoo etc .. how do you know what sort of debts they've got.

I really would cut him some slack.
He did not want to go out spending money on fast food , but he did.

Obviously he was bang out of order being rude, but depression makes you feel hopeless- anger makes you feel more in control even if it's only momentarily.

And most men won't rush off to the doctor for depression- or talk to their mates about it. That is why male suicide.

Time to sit down and gently get to the bottom of it. And together figure out a plan forward.

Maybe a permanent treat every other week but show him how you do save money etc

Totally agree with this

[Suprima]

My depression makes me joyless and sad and want to lie in bed all day

Doesn’t seem to give me the side effect of picking on vulnerable service staff and being a massive twat

He only brings up his depression when you are upset because he is using it as an excuse

[Waitinginmycar]

And I also wanted to add that I completely understand how OPs husband must feel incredibly stressed about money. It is awful and all encompassing to have financial trouble. This will obviously ruin any nice meals out, as he will have this hanging over him.

Unless you have budgeted £150 for fun, on top of emergency funds? In that case he needs to lighten up when you actually use those funds, otherwise he is being unreasonable

[KurtWilde]

OP has said she's on maternity and working part time so the financial burden isn't just on her DH!

[pointythings]

Ultimatum time. He deals with his issues or you split up. I know it will be tough financially, but growing up with this for a father will damage your kids - and you. The fact that he only does this to women and then gaslights you about it makes me feel less than hopeful about the future of your marriage.

But you and your DC deserve fun and outings in your life - and happiness, and not needing to walk on eggshells.

Lastly, I understand your embarrassment - but the shame is his, not yours.

[wewereliars]

Creating scenes in public is an insidious way of controlling the family dynamic.
Next time the OP won't suggest going to Pizza Express, and eventually she won't suggest going anywhere. So that is a form of control and is abuse of the OP and the children. It is emotional abuse, the OP will have been sat with a knot in her stomach, heart racing, as will the older child. He's a vile controlling bully