To be so ashamed of my husband causing a scene?

[Vaterinadf]

It was so horrendous. We have 2 DC, 4 and 5 months. Yesterday we couldn't be arsed cooking and our 4 year old has never been to a restaraunt so I suggested we go to the local Pizza Express for dinner. 'D'H whinged about money. He is always complaining about money. Yes things are tight but we are able to stretch to the occasional treat as we have around £150 spare each month, but DH always gets in a tiff about it. I'm not regulary hounding him for treats, but the occasional "Ah shall we just get a takeaway for tonight?" will subject me to a half an hour long rant about how hard he works and about how I waste all his money. I work part-time but am on maternity leave. He reluctantly agreed to go.

As soon as we get in and are sat down, the whinging starts. "It's way too expensive, I want to go somewhere else, come on" (I was BFing 5mo at this point and didn't fancy traipsing around town for somewhere else to eat). I firmly said no, and that the DC will need to be in bed as soon as we get home and I'm not spending time wandering around.

Then he's rude and demanding to the waitress who was literally only a teenager. She asks if we're ready to take our order and we say yes. There's a technical issue with the order taking system she's using and she says "One second, sorry." and DH does a loud, extremely obvious tut that he clearly intended for the waitress to hear. The technical issue was sorted in literally seconds and was an absolute non-issue, the tut was just obnoxious and unnessecary. We then noticed her and another waitress kept glancing over our table so we'd clearly been marked as 'problem' customers. I've worked in hospitality previously and I've found myself risk-assessing tables before, so I felt awful. I did not want to be 'that' table.

I take baby to the bathroom to be changed and come back and the food is being served. DH again continues to just be rude and blunt. The waitress doesn't do anything wrong so he doesn't make complaints but I heard him say "No." (without a thank you) when the waitress asked if he'd like anything else. I thought that was rude. He whinges the whole time while we are eating about the food, the service, the decor etc. I didn't get to have a word in edgeways. The idea of a casual chat over a meal seemed to be lost on him. It was tense and I hated it. Even our 4YO could barely say a word over the monologue.

The waitress ends up dropping a fork on the floor when collecting our empty plates and is extremely apologetic and clearly nervous. DH again tuts and says that he's found the service disgraceful and it's horrendous we weren't offered a high chair for baby (Baby is 5 months ffs, the high chair at home is still boxed up so he was just looking for anything to complain about! It was quite obvious that baby was too young for a highchair so of course we weren't asked.). We ask for the bill and I tell him I think he's been absolutely disgusting and I'm ashamed of him and tell him to go and get the car. He then leaves but starts whinging and being sarcastic, saying crap like "Sorry for breathing." He's gone by the time we get the bill, it's a different waitress to the one who served us. I go up to the one who served us, apologise profusely and give her a £10 tip.

We argue about it when we get home and then he started the pity party about how he is depressed. I'm not saying he makes up his depression, but he only talks about it when I'm upset with him for something. "It's my depression that makes me like this!" and yet he never seeks help. I would never, ever say he just uses depression as an excuse but surely it is now his responsibility to seek help? He's a completely unpleasant human being and I dread him coming home from work every day. He is not the man I married, who I loved. He was kind and loving. I mean it, so kind. Everybody told me I'd got a goodun with him. I miss that man so much. He changed after first DC but has been absolutely insufferable since our recent baby. I don't know what to do. I enjoy being at home during the day with my 2 little ones, and then once DH comes through the door suddenly there is an unbearable tension.

[socalledfriend]

I enjoy being at home during the day with my 2 little ones, and then once DH comes through the door suddenly there is an unbearable tension.

There's your answer

[MadMadMadamMim]

He sounds horrible and depression isn't an excuse to be an arsehole to a teenage waitress doing her best. Or anyone else for that matter.

I bet his "depression" doesn't allow him to be an utter dickhead to his boss, for example. I have a family member with really severe mental health issues. They struggle massively to cope with life and have been in and out of MH units. One of the things they unfailingly are is apologetic and sweet to other people. Even when they are really, really struggling to cope they always say they are fine, thanks and make a huge effort to be really fun and kind.

And if he's not been to see a doctor he's not that fucking depressed. It makes me furious when people without a proper diagnosis talk about being 'depressed'. It's disrespectful to claim a medical condition that you haven't been diagnosed with as an excuse for being awful. No one would say it's my cancer that makes me snappy if they hadn't actually been diagnosed with cancer.

(I am assuming based on your post that he doesn't actually have a formal diagnosis of clinical depression from someone medically qualified to judge). He's just decided he's depressed.

[DarkDarkNight]

He sounds like a colossal arsehole. I can’t stand people who are rude to waiters. I wouldn’t want to go anywhere with him.

[lastqueenofscotland]

Depression doesn’t make you act in a way to certain genders.
If he said he won’t get help the ultimatum from me would be that he gets the help or leaves. I wouldn’t put up with this, not if it meant children missing out on the most incredibly basic of experiences

[Bluntness100]

@DarkDarkNight

He sounds like a colossal arsehole. I can’t stand people who are rude to waiters. I wouldn’t want to go anywhere with him.

No I can’t take it either, even watching a stranger do it, it makes my toes curl. I couldn’t be the woman with that man. I couldn’t bring my kids up living with that man , and quite frankly I’d assume any woman with that man was either guilty by association or I’d pity them.

[blettedmedlar]

I would be mortified too. It's the worst sort of people who treat serving staff badly.
He needs to find some manners. What an awful example to set to his children, too.

[NakedAttraction]

OP, what makes you think he’s depressed rather than just a twat?

I’m sorry but he sounds awful.

[FunMcCool]

This is so sad. Can you start taking you kids out without him (for free stuff like the beach or whatever) even if you have £150 spare a month can some of that be used each month for a treat for your little one?

[ClawedButler]

I've had depression for many years, with periods of being really low. At those times, I've occasionally snapped at someone. However, I've never:
a) not then apologised for snapping
b) carried ON snapping, griping, criticising, tutting and huffing

They do say that if you want to see someone's true colours, watch how they are with kids, waiters, shop assistants, and medical staff. He has shown himself to be an insufferable arse, and I'm not surprised you were embarrassed by him. If it's any consolation, I've been on the receiving end of similar treatment from customers, and you can tell when the person/people with them are horrified and embarrassed - we always felt sorry for those people, having to live with arses like that. We only have to deal with them for a few minutes in the day!

If it genuinely was money he was worried about, what's stopping you all going to the park for the afternoon or something? Pizza Hut is hardly Le Manoir, he was just having a rather unseemly and deeply unappealing tantrum.

I don't think I could have any respect for a man like that.

[Nbnbnb]

Tell him he's got six months to seek help...and mean it! You can't pussyfoot around someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Your children don't need it, and nor do you.

[Trevsadick]

He isn't depressed, he is a dick.

Its not depression if he is only a bastard to women.

Honestly, he says he can't be arsed with going to a doctor even though it makes you all miserable?

Well, if I were you (and I have been) I would see how he feels having to be arsed with a divorce instead.

Him saying he can't be arsed 'with all that' is him saying 'I don't give a shit about you and our kids, you stay miserable and I will keep touting the I'm depressed excause everytime you pull me on my poor behaviour. But you aren't actually worth my time or effort to fix the situation'

[KeepingTrack]

• If his depression was so severe, he would be seeking help. If he isn’t seeking help, then I can only conclude he is using it as an excuse for his bad behaviour.
  

• if he had any other illness, let’s say a gallbladder attack, he would be seeking help. If he doesn’t because he can’t be arsed, this actually means he doesn’t care about the effect it has on others/you because, actually HE is fine
  

• but of course as others have pointed out, if the only people he ever has a go at are women, you ca;wonder if it’s actually depression. More likely arsehole behaviour tbh.
  

• I also suspect the whole thing was about making YOU uncomfortable so you never ask to go to a restaurant (or do anything else for that matter). Toe the line
  

• last but not least, you are already walking on eggshells. How long do you want to carry on like this?

[Egeegogxmv]

He goes on about how crippling his depression is but simply won’t consider getting help
he wants to cripple everyone else with it too:(
I'm not myself at the moment, short fuse etc b/c covid, is it that or is this who he is?

[MsPavlichenko]

This man now is the real one I can assure you. Abusive behaviour often shows itself around the time the children arrive.

Look for the Freedom Programme online, and do it. It It is a life changer.

[KurtWilde]

@Nbnbnb

Tell him he's got six months to seek help...and mean it! You can't pussyfoot around someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Your children don't need it, and nor do you.

Agree with this.

[miltonj]

Sounds awful. Can you leave for a it with the kids and try and work things out together but with a bit of breathing space. It might shock him into realising how his behaviour had become. I'd usually just say leave him but it sounds like he was a good man?

[KeepingTrack]

Btw YABU to be ashamed of is behaviour.
His behaviour has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t say anything about you but everything about him.
Don’t be ashamed of what he does.

However, yes maybe this is the time to think hard about how he is, his so called depression and his bully behaviour. Esp as I am sure he actually does the exact same to you.

[PurpleRainDancer]

@SandysMam

Leave him. He sounds horrendous. If a period apart doesn’t convince him to sort himself out he never will. He needs a good kick up the arse.

This

[MizMoonshine]

Depression doesn't make you a cunt.

-a very depressed person.

[wewereliars]

Sounds just like my ex. Leave

[VodselForDinner]

I bet his depression wouldn’t make him obnoxious to a beefy adult man. Isn’t he tough taking on a teenage girl?

He’s an abuser, OP. He’s just not abusing you.

[Bluntness100]

@KeepingTrack

Btw YABU to be ashamed of is behaviour.
His behaviour has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t say anything about you but everything about him.
Don’t be ashamed of what he does.

However, yes maybe this is the time to think hard about how he is, his so called depression and his bully behaviour. Esp as I am sure he actually does the exact same to you.

I disagree, she’s choosing to be with him, so yes it reflects on her.

[SleepingStandingUp]

[quote Vaterinadf]@Figgygal.

That and a combination of Covid stopping us. He has never had treats and it makes me sad. I see friends and family with similar age DC going to the zoo, adventure parks etc. These are people who aren’t in that much of a different financial situation to us. I literally cannot think of any days out we’ve had with him except the beach once or twice, and even then DH was just rushing us to go home.[/quote]
So what would happen if you just took the kids to the zoo while he's at work?

[Lotsolove]

You can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats service staff. I think you’ve seen all you need to.

[DinosaurDiana]

Depression doesn’t turn you into a tosser.