To be so ashamed of my husband causing a scene?

[Vaterinadf]

It was so horrendous. We have 2 DC, 4 and 5 months. Yesterday we couldn't be arsed cooking and our 4 year old has never been to a restaraunt so I suggested we go to the local Pizza Express for dinner. 'D'H whinged about money. He is always complaining about money. Yes things are tight but we are able to stretch to the occasional treat as we have around £150 spare each month, but DH always gets in a tiff about it. I'm not regulary hounding him for treats, but the occasional "Ah shall we just get a takeaway for tonight?" will subject me to a half an hour long rant about how hard he works and about how I waste all his money. I work part-time but am on maternity leave. He reluctantly agreed to go.

As soon as we get in and are sat down, the whinging starts. "It's way too expensive, I want to go somewhere else, come on" (I was BFing 5mo at this point and didn't fancy traipsing around town for somewhere else to eat). I firmly said no, and that the DC will need to be in bed as soon as we get home and I'm not spending time wandering around.

Then he's rude and demanding to the waitress who was literally only a teenager. She asks if we're ready to take our order and we say yes. There's a technical issue with the order taking system she's using and she says "One second, sorry." and DH does a loud, extremely obvious tut that he clearly intended for the waitress to hear. The technical issue was sorted in literally seconds and was an absolute non-issue, the tut was just obnoxious and unnessecary. We then noticed her and another waitress kept glancing over our table so we'd clearly been marked as 'problem' customers. I've worked in hospitality previously and I've found myself risk-assessing tables before, so I felt awful. I did not want to be 'that' table.

I take baby to the bathroom to be changed and come back and the food is being served. DH again continues to just be rude and blunt. The waitress doesn't do anything wrong so he doesn't make complaints but I heard him say "No." (without a thank you) when the waitress asked if he'd like anything else. I thought that was rude. He whinges the whole time while we are eating about the food, the service, the decor etc. I didn't get to have a word in edgeways. The idea of a casual chat over a meal seemed to be lost on him. It was tense and I hated it. Even our 4YO could barely say a word over the monologue.

The waitress ends up dropping a fork on the floor when collecting our empty plates and is extremely apologetic and clearly nervous. DH again tuts and says that he's found the service disgraceful and it's horrendous we weren't offered a high chair for baby (Baby is 5 months ffs, the high chair at home is still boxed up so he was just looking for anything to complain about! It was quite obvious that baby was too young for a highchair so of course we weren't asked.). We ask for the bill and I tell him I think he's been absolutely disgusting and I'm ashamed of him and tell him to go and get the car. He then leaves but starts whinging and being sarcastic, saying crap like "Sorry for breathing." He's gone by the time we get the bill, it's a different waitress to the one who served us. I go up to the one who served us, apologise profusely and give her a £10 tip.

We argue about it when we get home and then he started the pity party about how he is depressed. I'm not saying he makes up his depression, but he only talks about it when I'm upset with him for something. "It's my depression that makes me like this!" and yet he never seeks help. I would never, ever say he just uses depression as an excuse but surely it is now his responsibility to seek help? He's a completely unpleasant human being and I dread him coming home from work every day. He is not the man I married, who I loved. He was kind and loving. I mean it, so kind. Everybody told me I'd got a goodun with him. I miss that man so much. He changed after first DC but has been absolutely insufferable since our recent baby. I don't know what to do. I enjoy being at home during the day with my 2 little ones, and then once DH comes through the door suddenly there is an unbearable tension.

[Clymene]

He's a horrible person. Only horrible people take pleasure in belittling and humiliating young waitresses.

I bet he wouldn't have behaved like that if it had been a middle aged man serving you.

Start divorce proceedings. You and your children deserve better.

[Vaterinadf]

We have a £3k emergency fund but no other savings.

[nanbread]

It's ultimatum time. Either he sorts his shit out or it's over. Being depressed is not an excuse to treat people like shit whenever you feel like it. You don't deserve to live like this.

Yes, bring depressed and stressed can make people more snappy and short tempered but that's no excuse for this behaviour.

[SunshineCake]

Depression does not make you act the way he is doing.

I'd give him one chance if he used to be a lovely man but I'd be very firm about what behaviour is not acceptable and I'd be telling him it is embarrassing that a grown man is behaving like this.

[TatianaBis]

Well he failed the waitress test didn’t he?

[Suprima]

I see we have had a ‘Men don’t talk about their feelings’. Men literally have no trouble showing their feelings and emotions when they abuse women, gaslight women, hit women and terrify their children.

This one is having no worries speaking up about his feelings and emotions- he constantly makes her feel like a pauper, says she is spending all of his money and doesn’t let her on the children have any nice treat days. Oh and when she tries to ‘coMmUnIcATe’- he gaslights her.

He needs to be dumped, not tenderly kissed on the head for being such a good, strong, tortured provider

[Clydie89]

If he changed so much after kids, did he want them? Particularly the 2nd? Could he have PND (apparently more common in dads than you'd think).

Either way, his depression isn't his choice but how he chooses to deal with it (or not) is his choice, and he's currently making the choice to make his family suffer rather than seeking help. You need to sit him down and explain this to him in a calm manner when you aren't fighting, so he can truly see the impact he's having on his family. It's not fair on his kids or you.

[NigellaSeed]

you don't deserve to be stuck with him. You don't have to be

[Nohomemadecandles]

He didn't want to go and you insisted. I've been that earning parent anxious about money and it's a lot of pressure sometimes.

Maybe you've triggered an anxiety or a genuine concern and a blithe insistence on spending cash he doesn't think you have has tipped him. Tbf, pizza express is a rip off without vouchers!!

[TurquoiseDragon]

I'd reckon this chap is just abusive. He might be depressed, but he's also an arsewipe.


Seems a lot like my abusive ex, and the abuse majorly ramped up after pregnancy too. Apparently it's very common for abuse to begin or escalate during or after a pregnancy.

Life is too short to stay with an abuser. So I'd recommend leaving while the Dc are young, and not wasting 30 years on an abuser like I did.

[LaurieFairyCake]

I would literally have lied and said I gave her a £20 tip and if he ever acted like a cunt to a teenage server again it would be £50

[SunshineCake]

@Egeegogxmv

He goes on about how crippling his depression is but simply won’t consider getting help
he wants to cripple everyone else with it too:(
I'm not myself at the moment, short fuse etc b/c covid, is it that or is this who he is?

Bollocks. He does t have depression. He is a bully.

[IAmDaveTheSerialShagger]

Pull him up every single time in front of whoever he has been rude too, your children need to learn from good role models, not your husband who is rude, miserable and tight.

[Tlollj]

Well you know what they say about how people treat service staff don’t you?
What a cock. Big discussion time I think.

[me4real]

My dad was like this. It meant I thought going out for a meal was really unpleasant. I was about 27 before a boyfriend got me to like going out to eat.

I'm sure it didn't help my eating issues.

It's a real shame to have this for your DC @Vaterinadf , as eating out is one of the greatest pleasures in life.

You're right about his 'depression' too. It's manipulation if he uses it this way. And I have a severe mental health disability and do everything I can to help it, so I get very annoyed by people who don't do much to help themselves.

Maybe you could tell him this 'depression' is having an effect on your relationship and family life and you insist he gets help and adheres to and continues with any treatment he's prescribed? (This includes going back if something doesn't work well, so they can try something else, until they maybe find something that helps his personality disorder or whatever. No going once, maybe trying a med for a fortnight and then never bothering again.)

Your DC's life is so much less fun than it could be.

As PP's have said, impress on him that this is all not ok and he needs to agree to some fun activities.

Could you keep a little bit of your salary aside each month for something nice for you and the LOs? He doesn't get to call all the shots.

[WhatWouldTheDoctorDo]

It all sounds a bit miserable OP. Is it the kind of home environment you want your DC to grow up in? If his behaviour is genuinely down to his mental health, it's insufferably selfish of him to recognise that but refuse to do anything about it. It would be ultimatum time for me. Actually, I'd probably tell him to fuck the fuck off, but I can't bear people who suck the joy out of life, and I definitely couldn't be married to someone who didn't want to have fun as a family.

[wizzywig]

This is like my husband. Having kids has made him hate women and be bitter towards them. As if we have conspired to make his life difficult. Easier to go out without him (if you want to stay with him). You'll end up being unattracted to him though, due to the idiotic behaviour

[SingToTheSky]

@wewereliars

Creating scenes in public is an insidious way of controlling the family dynamic.
Next time the OP won't suggest going to Pizza Express, and eventually she won't suggest going anywhere. So that is a form of control and is abuse of the OP and the children. It is emotional abuse, the OP will have been sat with a knot in her stomach, heart racing, as will the older child. He's a vile controlling bully

Totally this.

[romdowa]

Mental health issues are not a reason for being an absolute dickhead. He sounds absolutely awful. I'd have moved tables away from him the minute he started his antics.

[ZooKeeper19]

Another one for what Amber said. He may be depressed but this was clearly a very direct way of making sure you never ask to go out again. He did this on purpose, MH issues or not.

Your kids deserve better than to live learning to walk on eggshells. What wil be when they want to join a team, a club, ask for a new pair of trainers, lose a jacket from the uniform and will need a replacement - will he scream at them for wasting his money?

I honestly live with a man who hates spending money and he would never ever dream of doing any of this. Yes he will say this is expensive, make a joking comment when he sees a price on something (like "really?!") but never ever would he behave like this (and if he did I would bloody well know where the door is).

I hope you read the responses from the others to see that there is a better way to live and raise kids :)

[Ohpulltheotherone]

Sounds like a sulky, miserable man child.

I’d say that he probably was this person before the kids but he had no real reason to display it. He had his income and I expect you had yours. There was no expectation for him to “fund” your lives.
He could come and go as he pleased and I expect he enjoyed going out and doing things because he got to choose them or they were focused around things he would enjoy and so there’s no cause for resentment.

The difference is now the focus is off of him and is now the kids. He has to spend “his” money (as he sees it) facilitating a family and your maternity leave. He sees it as his money and resents wasting it on anyone but himself.

I would ask, does he display this type of behaviour to his work colleagues, friends and family? Or is it saved for you? Does the depression stop him enjoying his hobbies, friendships and career? If so then sure maybe it’s legit but the answer is probably no - he saves his bad moods, snidey comments and toxicity for you. And then hides behind the depression comment.

It’s tough because you have a very young baby but what I would be thinking about if I were you is how it will feel for your children to grow up with a father like this. In a joyless, sterile environment where fun isn’t allowed because it’s too expensive and too much like hard work for their dad. Where their mum has to try and overcompensate for their miserable dad. Where they have to tiptoe around lest they set him off on a rant.

You don’t want that for them or yourself.

So it’s “get your ducks in a row” time. Start pulling together the financial details, get all your admin sorted, understand what that looks like and maybe talk to a solicitor. Do all of this before you give him the ultimatum of “get help with the depression or it’s over”
If you have a good understanding of your options before the conversation then it is more likely that you’ll stick to your ultimatum and he won’t be able to victimise himself.

Good luck OP, it’s shit but plenty of women go it alone and they end up far happier and healthier than being stuck in a toxic relationship

[chipsandgin]

He sounds like a man who doesn’t like the fact the world, specifically your world doesn’t revolve around him any more. Bitter, rude & obnoxious & a total refusal to try and resolve it - that’s not depression, that’s just a self-centred narcissist with zero emotional intelligence being a dick.

Honestly, life doesn’t have to be like this & you deserve better. Going out for a meal should be a treat & fun, how your DH treats the waiting staff should be setting an example to your DS - he should be kind, polite, with some basic manners thrown in as a minimum. It definitely should not be an embarrassing, painful endurance event which leaves you have to apologise to the staff.

You say I dread him coming home from work every day - imagine a future where one of your kids tells you they feel like this, what would you advise them?

[Vaterinadf]

Yes he didn’t initially want to go but I didn’t insist as such. My child is 4 and has never eaten out. I haven’t in years. I was just sick of seeing other people out enjoying life.

Something that is upsetting me the most is that my 4 year old barely said a word the whole time, once DH’s monologue started he just shut down.

[CaptainBarbossa]

However depressed you feel, why bully people? No matter how much you didn't want to go for a meal, why ruin it fo everyone else? Regardless of how overpriced you think it is, why take it out on the teenage waitress probably getting paid minimum wage?

Why does he do do all that? Because he is a mean spirited, nasty, bully and a miserable miser to boot.

Spending money on meals out when money is tight might not be the best use of money, but sometimes you just need a break and to do something different. If he didn't want to do that, he could have found an alternate like a family swim or a day at the museum or a national trust place, or a drive to the nearest beach and paddle and some fish and chips to share. It doesn't have to be expensive.

Yes depression is horrible, but it doesn't give you right to be a cunt. Depression thrives through inaction, he needs to start making some changes because it's not just himself he's dragging down, it's his family too, and apparently anyone else in a position of inferiority.

That waitress might have gone home and self harmed or attempted suicide, she might have drunk too much and aspirated on her vomit. She might have been crying on the drive home and not seen the road clearly and ended up in a car accident. His feelings do not trump hers.

[Robin233]

Men don't talk about their feelings !!!!!!
Male suicide are rampant.

I have 3 sons and 1 daughter. (Adults)

Marriages and kids are hard work.

Financial responsibility is a killer.

LTB is not a solution to this young family's problems- it will just add to them.

Op said dh was fine before the first child but has got worse after each subsequent child (and added responsibility, lack of sleep , more expense , stress , worry etc)

This family needs a little help to get them back to the fun couple they , but with the added joy of children.

I repeat 'communication is key'