To be so ashamed of my husband causing a scene?

[Vaterinadf]

It was so horrendous. We have 2 DC, 4 and 5 months. Yesterday we couldn't be arsed cooking and our 4 year old has never been to a restaraunt so I suggested we go to the local Pizza Express for dinner. 'D'H whinged about money. He is always complaining about money. Yes things are tight but we are able to stretch to the occasional treat as we have around £150 spare each month, but DH always gets in a tiff about it. I'm not regulary hounding him for treats, but the occasional "Ah shall we just get a takeaway for tonight?" will subject me to a half an hour long rant about how hard he works and about how I waste all his money. I work part-time but am on maternity leave. He reluctantly agreed to go.

As soon as we get in and are sat down, the whinging starts. "It's way too expensive, I want to go somewhere else, come on" (I was BFing 5mo at this point and didn't fancy traipsing around town for somewhere else to eat). I firmly said no, and that the DC will need to be in bed as soon as we get home and I'm not spending time wandering around.

Then he's rude and demanding to the waitress who was literally only a teenager. She asks if we're ready to take our order and we say yes. There's a technical issue with the order taking system she's using and she says "One second, sorry." and DH does a loud, extremely obvious tut that he clearly intended for the waitress to hear. The technical issue was sorted in literally seconds and was an absolute non-issue, the tut was just obnoxious and unnessecary. We then noticed her and another waitress kept glancing over our table so we'd clearly been marked as 'problem' customers. I've worked in hospitality previously and I've found myself risk-assessing tables before, so I felt awful. I did not want to be 'that' table.

I take baby to the bathroom to be changed and come back and the food is being served. DH again continues to just be rude and blunt. The waitress doesn't do anything wrong so he doesn't make complaints but I heard him say "No." (without a thank you) when the waitress asked if he'd like anything else. I thought that was rude. He whinges the whole time while we are eating about the food, the service, the decor etc. I didn't get to have a word in edgeways. The idea of a casual chat over a meal seemed to be lost on him. It was tense and I hated it. Even our 4YO could barely say a word over the monologue.

The waitress ends up dropping a fork on the floor when collecting our empty plates and is extremely apologetic and clearly nervous. DH again tuts and says that he's found the service disgraceful and it's horrendous we weren't offered a high chair for baby (Baby is 5 months ffs, the high chair at home is still boxed up so he was just looking for anything to complain about! It was quite obvious that baby was too young for a highchair so of course we weren't asked.). We ask for the bill and I tell him I think he's been absolutely disgusting and I'm ashamed of him and tell him to go and get the car. He then leaves but starts whinging and being sarcastic, saying crap like "Sorry for breathing." He's gone by the time we get the bill, it's a different waitress to the one who served us. I go up to the one who served us, apologise profusely and give her a £10 tip.

We argue about it when we get home and then he started the pity party about how he is depressed. I'm not saying he makes up his depression, but he only talks about it when I'm upset with him for something. "It's my depression that makes me like this!" and yet he never seeks help. I would never, ever say he just uses depression as an excuse but surely it is now his responsibility to seek help? He's a completely unpleasant human being and I dread him coming home from work every day. He is not the man I married, who I loved. He was kind and loving. I mean it, so kind. Everybody told me I'd got a goodun with him. I miss that man so much. He changed after first DC but has been absolutely insufferable since our recent baby. I don't know what to do. I enjoy being at home during the day with my 2 little ones, and then once DH comes through the door suddenly there is an unbearable tension.

[KurtWilde]

@wewereliars

Creating scenes in public is an insidious way of controlling the family dynamic.
Next time the OP won't suggest going to Pizza Express, and eventually she won't suggest going anywhere. So that is a form of control and is abuse of the OP and the children. It is emotional abuse, the OP will have been sat with a knot in her stomach, heart racing, as will the older child. He's a vile controlling bully

This exactly. My exh was just like this too.

[dottiedodah]

Firstly it is quite unacceptable to be rude to Waitresses .Secondly is he worried about going out due to money issues? £150 .00 over each month isnt very much . He sound very rude though ,I would not want to go out with him again .He probably thought that by acting up then he would not have to venture out again . I would speak to him and say you find his behaviour unacceptable .

[KurtWilde]

@Vaterinadf

Yes he didn’t initially want to go but I didn’t insist as such. My child is 4 and has never eaten out. I haven’t in years. I was just sick of seeing other people out enjoying life.

Something that is upsetting me the most is that my 4 year old barely said a word the whole time, once DH’s monologue started he just shut down.

Your poor DC.

[wewereliars]

Robin233 you are wrong

[Vaterinadf]

Our first was very much wanted and tried for and our second was a mutual decision to not try but not prevent. We rather naively felt two wouldn’t be that different from one. Of course I don’t regret my second baby but I kick myself because he did change after our first and of course another was going to exacerbate it. But back then I just thought “Well he’s already made the transition from being childless to being a dad.” and he felt that way too.

[NiceGerbil]

He's horrible.

There's no excuse for the him taking his displeasure at going for a meal out on the people working there.

I'd say. Next time leave him at home and take the kids and meet a friend. I'm interested in how he'd react if you said you were doing that.

[notsogreenthumb]

You said yourself you married someone 'so so kind'. If this isn't his nature then he's obviously going through something. Sit down and have a very firm and frank discussion. Ask him what stresses him out, try to make arrangements to resolve what you can. Explain to him that you want him happy and that he needs to seek help. And finally if none of that works make it clear to him if he does nothing and accepts being this obnoxious person hiding under the guise of depression then he might very well be alone soon. Depression is not an excuse to be ill mannered and nasty. It is a very serious illness that many have, and yet maintain their manners and character.

I wouldn't throw an ultimatum at someone so obviously in distress and someone you know isn't like that. Marriage is about commitment and sacrifice. If I was seriously depressed, in turmoil, and my partner told me I'm being an arse (even though I very well might have been) so I better fix it or he'd leave, it would just reaffirm in me that even my partner can't have compassion towards me or go easy when I'm so clearly suffering. Instead of trying to help me and support me in my time of need, he's throwing ultimatums. I know everyone doesn't think like that, but I would. And perhaps your partner might too.

[AllieBallyBee]

Has he actually be diagnosed with depression by a medical professional?

How is he with work colleagues and friends?

[Vaterinadf]

He became tight, refusing to do things after our first. But the half an hour rants about money, saying he’s depressed etc have mainly been since I had our second.

[Gettingbiggerandbigger]

My DH suffers from depression, anxiety and we live month to month, but there is no way he would treat people this way, even on bad days. If it had been my DH treating people like that, depression or not I would have no problem pulling him up there and then, I would happily tell him to fuck off and let me and the kids enjoy a nice treat out.

If he really has depression he needs to see a Dr otherwise it sounds to me like he’s just trying to use excuses for being a dick to you and others.

[CaptainBarbossa]

Something that is upsetting me the most is that my 4 year old barely said a word the whole time, once DH’s monologue started he just shut down

This jumped out at me, because this does sound like emotional abuse, tbh. Your 4 year old was shut down due to the atmosphere his Dad created, that "could cut it with a knife" atmosphere, and the bad energy he brings which makes you dread him coming home in the evening, that is emotional abuse.

It sounds like he is using some other abusive tactics too, like trying to control where the money goes and some emotional gaslighting like not letting you challenge his bad behaviour because of his depression. A lot of abusers use depression in this way, and many threaten they will commit suicide if you leave them. The number that actually do is minuscule. This doesn't sound like depression, it sounds like abuse.

If so he is getting worse the more dependent on him you become, the more trapped he thinks you are. So after one DC he got a bit worse, and after second DC he got much worse. He is just becoming more secure that he has you trapped and therefore that he can drop the facade of being a decent guy and be the abuser he really was deep down all along.

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat the waiting staff. You can also tell a lot about a person by what little kids think of them.

[CoffeeRunner]

If his depression affects his behaviour to the extent of making every day family life/days out miserable then he has to get professional help for it.

I had to give that ultimatum years ago.

[Firsttimecatlady]

I’ve been a child in this family situation. You eventually completely normalise tension and anxiety- it’s just “you” and how you think everyone is meant to feel. Even when you’re not with the person that’s causing the tension, you feel it anyway because it’s just become who you are- you can’t turn it off. And you shut down during those episodes where it’s all kicking off because you’re completely focused on not aggravating things; if I’m honest, you think if you behave absolutely impeccably, you’ll be able to stop it somehow. I’m sorry to share this (and it is o LG a personal experience; not some sort of universal truth) but these can be really formative experiences for little ones.

[omgthepain]

He sounds awful leave him now why would you want to be with someone like that and subject yourself and your kids to it aswell

[Robin233]

@wewereliars
Care to elaborate?
To fair you can't say that
No one really knows.
But there is always 2 sides to each story.
Being rude to anyone is unacceptable.

[Figgygal]

Sounds like a miserable existence op

[GoGoPowerScooter]

Sounds like my now FXH. Blamed everything on his depression yet refused to get any help for it. Just sat around sucking the joy out of everything. Like you, OP, I used to dread him coming home, but also felt I couldn't get rid because the depression wasn't his fault. Then at some point I realised that plenty of people are depressed, and that it's not an excuse to be a cunt and opt out of family life. I got rid; it was like the sun suddenly came out again after years of it being hidden behind massive grey clouds. Four years later and I have no regrets. Sounds like it's ultimatum time: get help for the depression, or fuck off and stop dragging you and your DC down with him.

[notsogreenthumb]

Sorry OP I've just read your other posts. How long did you know him before you had your children? Was he actually really nice or was it just the honeymoon phase when you first met? Maybe this is his true nature? What do his family and friends say of his depression?

Do you think he's suffering post natal depression but as a father? Has your life drastically changed since children? I know it usually does but do you ever get couple time? Time to just breathe away from the kids?

So sorry you're going through this and your poor son .

[AllieBallyBee]

@notsogreenthumb

You said yourself you married someone 'so so kind'. If this isn't his nature then he's obviously going through something. Sit down and have a very firm and frank discussion. Ask him what stresses him out, try to make arrangements to resolve what you can. Explain to him that you want him happy and that he needs to seek help. And finally if none of that works make it clear to him if he does nothing and accepts being this obnoxious person hiding under the guise of depression then he might very well be alone soon. Depression is not an excuse to be ill mannered and nasty. It is a very serious illness that many have, and yet maintain their manners and character.

I wouldn't throw an ultimatum at someone so obviously in distress and someone you know isn't like that. Marriage is about commitment and sacrifice. If I was seriously depressed, in turmoil, and my partner told me I'm being an arse (even though I very well might have been) so I better fix it or he'd leave, it would just reaffirm in me that even my partner can't have compassion towards me or go easy when I'm so clearly suffering. Instead of trying to help me and support me in my time of need, he's throwing ultimatums. I know everyone doesn't think like that, but I would. And perhaps your partner might too.

Would you not want to go to the doctor to get some help though, if your partner told you that your behaviour had driven them to the point of wanting to end the relationship?

I work with recovering addicts and there are similarities sometimes with untreated mental health issues. At some point, if you just continue to tip-toe around accepting someone's behaviour while they never address the cause of the problem or seek any help with it you are just enabling them. Some people need a wake-up call before they do anything about their problem. If OP doesn't do or change something, this man certainly isn't going to.

[Robin233]

@notsogreenthumb
Agree

[Heronsnest]

I feel so sad for your little boy.

[gamerchick]

Tell him he's a fucking embarrassment and no longer invited out with you and the kids. That he either seeks help for his depression or he can leave.

This isn't about you. Your kids are growing up absorbing this tension and you owe it to them to provide a calm environment.

Crunch time. He either sorts it or he can bugger off and pay child support.

[baldafrique]

Your husband is a vile bully

[5475878237NC]

When my husband had depression he wouldn't have been able to get himself together enough to go out (or work) or when he did start his recovery and we could go out, it was because he was having a 'less bad day' and he wouldn't ever be rude like this. He could be snappy with me I put what he felt as pressure on him but rarely, mostly he went inward.

What I'm saying is, it sounds like he's using it as an excuse for being a horribly behaved person. Hence why it's only mentioned as a defence and not a topic of conversation generally. It doesn't sound like he intends to seek professional help, which means, to be frank, this is your life now.

[Jasmine11]

@Vaterinadf

Yes he didn’t initially want to go but I didn’t insist as such. My child is 4 and has never eaten out. I haven’t in years. I was just sick of seeing other people out enjoying life.

Something that is upsetting me the most is that my 4 year old barely said a word the whole time, once DH’s monologue started he just shut down.

Your children shouldn't have to put up with his awful obnoxious behaviour - how long before he turns on them? Being depressed doesn't make someone into a vile bully. How pathetic he is being nasty and rude to a young female restaurant worker -did it make him feel like a big strong man or something? He sounds deeply unattractive and you and your children would be much happier without him.