MIL and Father’s Day

[EllaBlaire]

DH and I have a 2 month old DD, so this will be DH’s first Father’s Day.

MIL has sent a personalised gift for DH “from” DD. This has annoyed me - I wouldn’t mind if it was a small present from MIL herself, but I feel that I’m the only person that should be buying presents “from” DD for Father’s Day. It should be about celebrating between the three of us as a new family.

Either she doesn’t trust me to get something, or she wants to overshadow my gift.

It’s gone over DH’s head and he thinks it’s a nice thought, and I’m not intending to mention my annoyance to him or MIL…. But would you be annoyed in this situation?

[quote KM38]@EllaBlaire I’d be annoyed too! A gift/card from her to her son to celebrate him being a dad is a lovely gesture. But a gift from your children to their dad is a huge overstep in my opinion.

My MIL phoned me on Wednesday “just to remind me” that it was DHs first Father’s Day this year (just incase is forgotten that he was now a dad 😐) and ask what I had planned to make it a special day for him. Or should she come round and celebrate with him so that it’s “more special” 🙄😬 Thanks for that reminder love - here was me completely forgetting that we’d had our first child this year 🙄
Always had a great relationship with her prior to having our DC but since then it’s as if all boundaries have gone out the window! She’s been spoken to multiple times by myself and by DH and still can’t help herself from getting over involved 🙄[/quote]
Ugh, your MIL sounds like my FIL. Overly involved, pushy and with this strange delusion that he should be involved in every aspect of our lives and that I’m too stupid to cope without the hovering. It gives me unbelievable rage.

This wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I'd think it was lovely.

@Drivingmeupthewall It’s tough isn’t it?! We had a really good relationship prior to DS being born but I swear now if she could bin me off and keep DH and DS for herself she would 🤣

[quote KM38]@Drivingmeupthewall It’s tough isn’t it?! We had a really good relationship prior to DS being born but I swear now if she could bin me off and keep DH and DS for herself she would 🤣[/quote]
Honestly, @KM38 grand babies make some people go insane.

Before mine was born, I watched my FIL get pissed and declare that he loves my BIL’s and SIL’s kids so much he wished they were his. He went on and on about them. I mean, they’re nice kids but fucking hell. Ease up. My MIL isn’t much better but slightly more respectful. She doesn’t drink at least and make creepy declarations.

If he could cut us partners out of our own kids’ lives (but especially me) and keep his kids and grandkids all to themselves, he would. He’s not keen on me at all hence undermining me at every turn, even now.

I totally get it - that would really annoy me too!

My usually lovely MIL did the same when our eldest was first born - a few weeks before Father's Day. Luckily, I intercepted & politely told her that I had it all in hand & was really looking forward to finally being able to buy gifts/cards with 'daddy' on them for my husband, as by that point, we'd waited a really long time to become parents & the journey had been quite sad & distressing at times.

I think it came from a kind place but it pissed me right off!! 😄

Yanbu. It's weird and overstepping. Personally I would let a couple of days go past then mention to her that the gift was lovely and thank you but in future there's no need as you'd prefer to choose the card and gift from dd yourself so that she can help to choose/write it herself as she gets older etc.

For those that think this is fine - where would you draw the line? What if MIL started sending birthday or Christmas cards and presents to other family members 'from' YOUR dc. Would that be OK?

Probably not because it's WEIRD. Of course anyone receiving a gift from a young child knows it's not really from them - but it's the parents job to buy gifts on behalf of their child, not Mils.

My mil sent a card to the DDs with £10 in it and wrote in it to remember it was father's Day and here was some money to buy DH a gift.
None of us speak to her, I don't think she would recognise either DD if she met them in the street.
The DDs are 19 snd 23, both work and both always remember to bu6t DH something.

@EllaBlaire put a reminder in your diary for each of early December, a few weeks before his birthday and a few weeks before Father's Day.

Each time the reminder pops up, the next time you see MIL sweetly say 'By the way in case you were worried, I have already arranged something special from DD for Christmas / birthday / Father's Day so you don't need to send him a card from her'.

Otherwise she might start a 'tradition' that she does the cards from DD to her son. Nip it in the bud.

I think its quite sweet and if my MIL does it next fathers day for DHs first one I wouldn't give it a second thought. Unless you feel like its being done to purposefully undermine you I don't see the problem. Im always a bit baffled over people getting upset over things like this, but maybe things that would bother me wouldn't bother you.

@tara66

I sent my DS(who is a father) a Father's Day card from myself - was that a mistake??

Absolutely not, mothers who celebrate their sons being fathers is a beautiful thing! Grandmother's who send cards and homemade gifts from the grandchildren (and that is they key word here) can make the mum/wife/any kind of partner feel a bit like chopped liver. I have this issue year in and year out. There are 3 times in 365 days when I would like the opportunity to make memories with my children for special events - fathers day, Christmas and birthdays - that just involve me, the children and their dad without having to edure the 'I'll do that too' ethos, which the whole of my husbands family seem to live by. Is that selfish? I suppose it is, but last time I checked it was just me and their dad involved in their creation and production . Their grandmother gets loads of her own time with them and has pretty much free reign - she takes them wherever she likes and does what she wants (brings them home hours late... nevermind) Do I mind gifts and cards directly from her for her son - not in the slightest; knock yourself out! But making cards and gifts from the children is the mum's privilege.

@EllaBlaire

Just to add… even though I think her intentions were good this time, there have been lots of other things over the years where her intentions towards me have definitely not been good - so it is hard for me to separate all that out.

Ignore it. If it was meant kindly, it's not worth a fight, pick your battles. If it was a 'me, me, me' move, don't hive her the satisfaction.

Give

This is the kind of thing my MIL would do and it would annoy me intensely.

It would annoy me too, the PIL have had their turn with their kids, this should be a time for you to create YOUR family traditions

Oh please stop with this childish “They’ve had their turn”. It makes you sound about four.

I know how you feel, when it was my partner's first father's Day and we were excited I brought him a gift from our son, but then dp's dad turned up and handed him a keyring that said something with dad on, partner didn't realise at the time that it was my job to do it for our son, we had a daughter a year later and he never did it again, still doesn't to this day, I just think he was giving it to him as it was his first father's Day. I did get the hump after that. But now everything's okay, he lives in Surrey and visits two maybe three times a month by train, and mil lives a In the same town, literally a couple minute drive, and she last visited our kids 9 months ago. But yeah I deffo think she is over stepping the mark, she has her turn when your other half was growing up to do all that, it's now your turn. This is literally the second thread I've jumped on saying about me. Sorry

I'm 100% with you on this. You are not overacting!! Today, my mil, who I have posted about on this page, arrived up with a card and gift from my little one. The card was written from my little one, to dad from his princess, you are the best dad in the world, I know you'll have a brilliant day because you have me, love you forever etc. ...it actually made me cry and rip the card to pieces. A bit of an overreaction but it's been a campaign of overstepping and making everything about her. I wish I had advice. I sat my mil down talked through my annoyances with her, she didn't remember doing any of them but apologised. Long story short, nothing has changed. Good luck. Look after your mental health.