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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and Father’s Day

117 replies

EllaBlaire · 18/06/2021 18:19

DH and I have a 2 month old DD, so this will be DH’s first Father’s Day.

MIL has sent a personalised gift for DH “from” DD. This has annoyed me - I wouldn’t mind if it was a small present from MIL herself, but I feel that I’m the only person that should be buying presents “from” DD for Father’s Day. It should be about celebrating between the three of us as a new family.

Either she doesn’t trust me to get something, or she wants to overshadow my gift.

It’s gone over DH’s head and he thinks it’s a nice thought, and I’m not intending to mention my annoyance to him or MIL…. But would you be annoyed in this situation?

OP posts:
jasminoide · 18/06/2021 19:19

Father's day is meant to be about the father, not you OP. She wants to buy a gift for her son, who is a father. I honestly couldn't get worked up about this.

Sceptre86 · 18/06/2021 19:22

She is his mum and it is a nice gesture. She isn't in competition with you, she's his mum! My mum got me a lovely necklace with my dd's initial on it for my first mother's day from dd. It didn't overshadow dh's gift, he made the day special by making me a yummy breakfast and other things. Unless you have a massive dripped coming I think you are overreacting!

Watchingyou2sleezes · 18/06/2021 19:22

Get a grip, you'll have far more hassles than this in your life.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/06/2021 19:23

I couldn’t get worked up over this earthier. She purchased a gift on behalf of her grandchild for her son. It’s a lovely thing to do. He is still her child and will always be.

Notaroadrunner · 18/06/2021 19:26

You could tell him it's saved you from having to bother getting a gift from your dd, but to be sure he gets a Mother's Day gift for you next year as your mother would never overstep like that.

Biscoffin · 18/06/2021 19:28

I’d be annoyed, it’s a clear overstep.

TheMotherlode · 18/06/2021 19:30

It probably came from a good place, but I have to say it would irritate me to. My MIL dominated all of the ‘firsts’ after DD was born and I feel a bit resentful about it, although would never want to say anything and upset her.

JediGnot · 18/06/2021 19:32

@jasminoide

Father's day is meant to be about the father, not you OP. She wants to buy a gift for her son, who is a father. I honestly couldn't get worked up about this.
I honestly thought that father's day was about children and THEIR father. The only other person to get involved is the mother if the children are too young to go to the shops or write cards.

If you want to give your kid a present then do it. But don't pretend it's from someone it's not, don't pretend it's a father's day present and don't give it on father's day.

I'd argue that no-one other than parents with a small child have a right to give a gift on behalf of someone else. How would MIL feel if you gave a gift to her sister on her behalf? What if she hated her sister, or loved her and the present was 15" dildo?

I think it's bang out of order.

Drivingmeupthewall · 18/06/2021 19:34

This is just the sort of territorial shit my FIL would do. He asks me constantly whether I’ve remembered to change the baby, if he needs feeding, whether I’ve underdressed him etc. It’s not done out of concern, it hard to describe, it just radiates that he thinks I’m not good enough and I’m slapdash. He doesn’t think my decisions can be trusted, hence yanking a swaddle out from round my peaceful sleeping newborn once…

Sorry, I made that about me. But I’m with you OP, it would piss me right off, especially as it’s one of those deeply irritating things inlaws do that are hard to publicly slam because they seem so fucking nice. Hmm

Dashel · 18/06/2021 19:35

My MIL is a crafter so she probably would do something like this as she would get so excited making a card and present and get carried away.

I don’t think she would have meant to overstep, she just would have been excited

Heartofglass12345 · 18/06/2021 19:40

Irritating and overstepping.
I organise something little for my husband every year for his birthday, just a tea party or something and his mum always brings a cake even though she knows we usually buy each other a cake on our birthdays. One year she brought a half eaten one!
Drives me mad lol

Biancadelrioisback · 18/06/2021 19:42

I think I would have been bothered for DHs first father's Day as I would sort of want to 'mark' the day.
However now that DS is 4, I quite like that MIL does this, she does it for valentine's Day, mother's Day, Easter, Halloween etc.
It's just something that our family 'does' now.

tara66 · 18/06/2021 19:45

I sent my DS(who is a father) a Father's Day card from myself - was that a mistake??

Hurr8cane84 · 18/06/2021 19:46

I think you're weird to be annoyed. He's a dad now so gets presents for Father's Day. Find a different battle.

PurpleyBlue · 18/06/2021 19:46

@Heartofglass12345

Irritating and overstepping. I organise something little for my husband every year for his birthday, just a tea party or something and his mum always brings a cake even though she knows we usually buy each other a cake on our birthdays. One year she brought a half eaten one! Drives me mad lol
I was going to say to me it's like bringing a birthday cake without asking if I'm making one for DH
StaffRepFeistyClub · 18/06/2021 19:47

@ShirleyPhallus

On Valentine’s Day send your FIL a card ;)
great idea
TheRebelle · 18/06/2021 19:48

If DH wasn’t an only child I’d think we had the same MIL! We found out she’d been sending gifts from us to his cousins and aunts and uncles and they were silver photo frames with out photos in 😱 they kept thanking us for the photos and I thought they meant some photos I’d sent by WhatsApp and I thought they were being a bit weird all thanking me in person for some really quite boring WhatsApp photos!

She also handed me a card on our wedding day and it was a “to my darling wife” card from her son that she’d written a message in and he didn’t know anything about! She’s bonkers but at least she’s the caring sort of bonkers not the horrible sort 😂

CoalCraft · 18/06/2021 19:51

I'd think it was a bit odd but it wouldn't upset me.

In general I dislike the possessiveness/jealousy around children that Mumsnet encourages in mums.

Skengman · 18/06/2021 19:51

@jasminoide

Father's day is meant to be about the father, not you OP. She wants to buy a gift for her son, who is a father. I honestly couldn't get worked up about this.
Nah.

Giving gifts for most people is about the kudos, smugness and gratuitous praise.

The widowed, lonelyass MIL is trying to steal that.

SunshineCake · 18/06/2021 19:53

I'd be annoyed too but as he has it already your gift from baby dd can be the focus of the day on Sunday.

My MIL used to send my kids Valentine's Day cards Confused.

Blossomtoes · 18/06/2021 19:53

@Miseryl

I don't think I'd be arsed. It's his day, not mine.
This. So he’ll get two gifts. 🤷‍♀️
Couchbettato · 18/06/2021 20:04

@Babynames2

I’d be annoyed but if it were my MILit wouldn’t be malicious, she just wouldn’t see that it’s overstepping a bit. She would just be excited for his first Father’s Day. MIL always buys me a Mother’s Day present (although not from the kids).
In our family mother's Day has just turned into mother's buying other mother's presents from their kids.

So we just don't do it any more.

Fortunately (or unfortunately) all of the dad's have sort of fallen from grace and removed themselves from the situation so father's Day is usually a cheap, standard affair.

Heartofglass12345 · 18/06/2021 20:04

@PurpleyBlue haha! She has to have gluten free which is fair enough, we always buy her a couple of things to eat or she will bring a few bits for herself. She's tiny so doesn't eat much either.
Then she will bring a whole gluten free cake knowing I have also bought a cake and leave it here, so we end up with 2 cakes between the 2 of us and our 2 small children, one of which doesnt usually like the cake she brings. It's usually dry as well lol.
I made my husband tell her to take most of it back home with her on her last birthday Grin
It sounds petty but it's the fact that she does it knowing I already have one!

TulipsTwoLips · 18/06/2021 20:05

@ShirleyPhallus

On Valentine’s Day send your FIL a card ;)
😂
Killahangilion · 18/06/2021 20:08

Father’s Day really isn’t about you OP!
Can you try to imagine being widowed and alone with an adult son who has left home? The fact is that your DH will always be her son.
I think you’ll look back in 20+ years time when your child/children are older and you’ll realise that you love them as adults just as much as you loved them as babies and then maybe you’ll feel embarrassed when you remember treating your MIL with such disdain.

She’s lost her husband and is clearly excited that her son has become a father and that she’s a new granny. Why shouldn’t she be excited?

As a MIL who’s step son has recently become a father, I am excited to think of him enjoying his new special day. I won’t be sending him a card from his new baby son, but if I was bereaved and living alone, I’m sure I’d want to contact him to wish him well, at the very least.

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