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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and Father’s Day

117 replies

EllaBlaire · 18/06/2021 18:19

DH and I have a 2 month old DD, so this will be DH’s first Father’s Day.

MIL has sent a personalised gift for DH “from” DD. This has annoyed me - I wouldn’t mind if it was a small present from MIL herself, but I feel that I’m the only person that should be buying presents “from” DD for Father’s Day. It should be about celebrating between the three of us as a new family.

Either she doesn’t trust me to get something, or she wants to overshadow my gift.

It’s gone over DH’s head and he thinks it’s a nice thought, and I’m not intending to mention my annoyance to him or MIL…. But would you be annoyed in this situation?

OP posts:
miltonj · 19/06/2021 17:48

*wouldnt

dancemom · 19/06/2021 18:07

This would infuriate me. Like op said, your MIL has had her turn at being a mother and doing these firsts, she shouldn't get to take it away from you.

I'd return it to her and say thanks but dd is your daughter and you will organise gifts from her.

Oneborneverydecade · 19/06/2021 18:07

@KM38 that would really piss me off, how did you handle it?

My MIL buys FIL a card and present from herself (and receives one on Mother's Day) in addition to the gifts he receives from his 2 grown up thoughtful sons. I find that odd

VettiyaIruken · 19/06/2021 18:12

I'd think it was an absolutely lovely thing to do.

But my mil is probably the nicest person I've ever met and I love her dearly. I think if you have a bad relationship with your mil then it's different.

blubberyboo · 19/06/2021 19:09

I’m not sure how being privately annoyed is overreacting? I literally haven’t reacted.
DH and I have found having a new baby pretty challenging so I was looking forward to doing one of the “nice” things that come with being a new parent. I think she should have just let me have that

Being annoyed internally is a reaction because you are allowing it to eat at you and that in itself will impact on your future relationship with your MIL

Your DH knows one gift is really from you and the other gift is really from his mum. He doesn’t really believe it’s from his daughter so he’ll still feel appreciated by you. He’ll also feel appreciated by his mum.
If he keeps the gift he’ll remember the time his mum gave him this nice gesture on his first fathers Day. And that’s a nice thing that you are begrudging him to have. you are letting it fester in your mind instead of seeing it as something kind.
Different families have different approaches to these types of things. You might become a MIL someday and find you have a SIL who doesn’t give your daughter a present on Mother’s Day because they find the whole practice strange.
and that would also be ok if it’s not the sort of thing they do

IamnotSethRogan · 19/06/2021 19:36

It's quite sad to assume there's some sort of malicious thought behind doing a nice thing..she's probably excited it's her son's first father's day.

There is nothing to stop you both buying a present and pretending it's from your child. I hate to break it to you but I think he realises it's not actually from 2 month old DD. He's just going to be left thinking that his mum and wife care about him a lot.

KM38 · 19/06/2021 20:26

[quote Oneborneverydecade]@KM38 that would really piss me off, how did you handle it?

My MIL buys FIL a card and present from herself (and receives one on Mother's Day) in addition to the gifts he receives from his 2 grown up thoughtful sons. I find that odd[/quote]
@Oneborneverydecade I just told her straight that she wasn’t to come round and that it wasn’t her place to question what I had planned for Father’s Day! I’ve got to the point now that I just tell her straight out if she’s overstepping or whatever 🤷🏻‍♀️ It always results in a bit of a row but until she learns boundaries there’s not much else I can do! DH is her youngest and DC is her first and only grandchild and she seems to be really struggling with not being involved in every aspect of our parenting or our lives in general.

Nextchapterofmybook · 19/06/2021 20:35

When I became a mum, my mum sent me a nice Mother’s Day card to say that she thought I was doing a great job. It didn’t piss my DH off. It’s just a nice thing to do.

You sound like hard work.

KM38 · 19/06/2021 20:43

@Nextchapterofmybook

When I became a mum, my mum sent me a nice Mother’s Day card to say that she thought I was doing a great job. It didn’t piss my DH off. It’s just a nice thing to do.

You sound like hard work.

@Nextchapterofmybook OP has said that she would have been perfectly happy for MIL to send DH a card or gift from herself. That would be a lovely thing to do. If your mum had sent you a Mother’s Day card and gift signed from your DC would your DH not feel a bit put out and as if she’d overstepped??
Wanttocry · 19/06/2021 20:48

She also handed me a card on our wedding day and it was a “to my darling wife” card from her son that she’d written a message in and he didn’t know anything about!

🤣🤣 that is hilarious

BlueCherryBlossom · 19/06/2021 20:49

This isn't a hill I'd choose to die on.

Said father will know what's come from whom.

TidyOmlette · 19/06/2021 20:50

I’m not sure if I would be annoyed. It depends on what the gift is and how your relationship is with MIL generally.

If she’s the generous and thoughtful type then YABU but if she’s the over stepping boundaries type then YANBU

Original poster
EllaBlaire · 20/06/2021 07:27

@TidyOmlette

I’m not sure if I would be annoyed. It depends on what the gift is and how your relationship is with MIL generally.

If she’s the generous and thoughtful type then YABU but if she’s the over stepping boundaries type then YANBU

She is generous and thoughtful at times, but she does also have a pathological need to always make everything all about her.
OP posts:
Original poster
EllaBlaire · 20/06/2021 07:29

It’s been really helpful seeing the range of opinions.

I think MIL’s intentions were good, but I still think I was reasonable to be annoyed. I’m over it now and have let it go.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 20/06/2021 07:31

I didn’t get on with my mil particularly well but honestly I can’t imagine being bothered by this, it really would be sweating the small stuff for me.

iminthegarden · 20/06/2021 07:34

Grandparents just can't help themselves! Annoying.

Roselilly36 · 20/06/2021 07:36

I can see why it has upset you OP, but it’s not something that is worth getting worked up about. Perhaps your MIL wants to feel included who knows. I have never faced this issue with my MIL, she doesn’t bother with her DS at all, missed a milestone birthday recently and didn’t send her DGS a birthday card.

GaspingGekko · 20/06/2021 07:36

I was looking forward to doing one of the “nice” things that come with being a new parent. I think she should have just let me have that.

I'm not entirely sure I understand how her giving a gift has prevented you from having that?

Original poster
EllaBlaire · 20/06/2021 07:45

Just to add… even though I think her intentions were good this time, there have been lots of other things over the years where her intentions towards me have definitely not been good - so it is hard for me to separate all that out.

OP posts:
fizzandchips · 20/06/2021 07:46

When we became new parents I was disappointed that we were still expected to celebrate Mother’s Day and Father’s Day for our parents, but there was no acknowledgement that we were now parents ourselves. I would have loved if one of them had given me or my husband a present. Everyone knows it’s not actually “from” the children, but it’s a way of celebrating that your DH is now a father too. It can’t overshadow your gift from your DD. I hope you all have a lovely day today.

SingingInTheShithouse · 20/06/2021 08:48

I'd be peed off big time by this & I'm usually pretty laid back with this sort of stuff. Definitely overstepping the Mark & tbh doesn't bode well & needs nipping in the bud pdq

BirthdayCakeBelly · 20/06/2021 08:54

What I don’t like is that her gift is “from” DD - that should be for me to organise, not her
Completely agree. Is she going to do this every year?! Feels like a competition.

naomi81 · 20/06/2021 09:03

I agree it's abit strange but if this is the worst she does you are very lucky!

AntiHop · 20/06/2021 09:14

I think you're overreacting.

BusyLizzie61 · 20/06/2021 11:48

I was looking forward to doing one of the “nice” things that come with being a new parent.

Omg,I've never read such tosh before!

Buying presents is the nice thing! Wow. Utter overreaction.