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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel left out and upset?

122 replies

Leftoutandblue · 17/06/2021 19:58

Hello all, feeling a bit blue tonight and wanted to see if I’m being oversensitive or not.

I live in a village and my 8 year old DD goes to the local primary. I’ve become friendly (or so I thought) with a few of the mums and we often hang out at the park and go for walks together. There is a WhatsApp group we use for arranging meet ups. However I’ve realised that they have been meeting up for walks without me and that they have another WhatsApp group without me in it. I feel so silly and I hate meeting up now knowing that I’m not part of their gang. But I see them every day at drop off/collection time.

I’m not sure how to play it. It’s making me feel very upset and no matter how hard I tell myself that it’s not a big deal, I can’t help the sinking feeling whenever they chat about doing something without me.

Am I overreacting? How can I get over this?

OP posts:

Camelsandalpacas · 17/06/2021 19:59

I’m sure some people will tell you are over reacting and that you can’t be included in everything, which I suppose is true, but I’m sensitive and would feel the same as you. No advice but solidarity instead!

HeavenHotel · 17/06/2021 20:02

Living in a village with school age kids, is hell.

Nothing I say will help your hurt, but try and make other friends outside the village. It's rubbish OP but it does get better when the kids go to secondary school.

MonicaGellerBing · 17/06/2021 20:03

I'd leave the WhatsApp group and distance myself from them, they aren't your friends. They sound like bitches making a separate group and keeping you out of it. Of course MN opinion is you shouldn't expect anything from anyone but in real life this is really hurtful and spiteful. Time to find a new group OP.

Moonshine11 · 17/06/2021 20:05

I would be hurt by this, sending some love

LagneyandCasey · 17/06/2021 20:07

It's usual to have other groups for 2 or 3 closer friend to chat privately etc. Is this the case, op? Or is it a larger group with just you excluded?

SuperMonkeys · 17/06/2021 20:08

What's the size difference between the groups? I mean, is it just you left out?

Wombats12 · 17/06/2021 20:09

Yep, I found my gym had a "social group" on SM. Turned out it was there to gossip about those of us not in it & was quite nasty. I was and still am upset about it as it was a "we are a community" blah, blah, blah sort of gym. It's very hurtful, lots of sympathy.

TheVolturi · 17/06/2021 20:11

Could it be that they also have different age children and the other group is the other age group children's mums? I have a set of friends for both my school age classes, and none of them mix! So I do things separately with each group. Nothing to do with excluding anyone.

Kanitawa · 17/06/2021 20:12

Is it everyone except you in the other group? If so I’d be really upset and would block and avoid. If others have also been excluded you could set up your own group with them?

LampHat · 17/06/2021 20:13

Is it possibly a group for a specific activity that has branched out into socialising?

For example, I’m on one school parents WhatsApp, and another that’s just got parents of football club kids in. We do sometimes arrange social things on there. Could it be something as innocent as that? Don’t blame you for being upset though - being left out is a shit feeling

Original poster

Leftoutandblue · 17/06/2021 20:17

I may not be the only one left out I suppose, I can’t be sure. But out of the mums I see every day with children the same age as DD, I am the only one not involved.

I understand they might be closer friends and that is reasonable… but it doesn’t stop me feeling rubbish.

Thank you all so much for your comments. I’m glad I’m not the only one who would be upset by this.

OP posts:

Mugsen · 17/06/2021 20:17

It's unnecessary nastiness really. Is there anyone else you can meet up with? I'd focus on others going forward.

TopTabby · 17/06/2021 20:20

Feeling hurt & left out is a really horrible feeling & is actually quite hard to get over.
These groups very rarely have any true friendship within them & usually consist of a Queen Bee type, her 'deputies' & a few desperate hangers on that probably don't feel like they belong either but daren't do anything about it!
Is everyone included in the group? Just wondering if there's a few other 'left out' mums who would welcome a meet up & probably turn out to be much better friends for you than the clique.
Hope you feel better soon, it's a tough one.

MuddlingThrough1724 · 17/06/2021 20:21

I had this with a group of friends I met at a baby group. Over a few years it just felt more and more like they kept me around for convenience as I was often happy to provide lifts and not drink when we went out in the evenings. I then realised they were meeting up, having playdates etc without my daughter and I. The worst bit was that they had been to ours numerous times, often inviting themselves over, and not once was the invitation ever reciprocated. Out of the three others, I hadn't ever even been in to two of their houses! It just felt like I was being used when it was convenient. In the end, I gave up and just removed myself from any involvement, and how do I know I was right to do so? Because I haven't heard from any of them. So, there you go.

I think you aren't being unreasonable at all to feel excluded and upset, but my advice is you are best off out of it.

Bluntness100 · 17/06/2021 20:22

Op could it be that’s an older group what’s app and they met up before they knew you and just continued it?

LagneyandCasey · 17/06/2021 20:23

That's shit if they're deliberately leaving you out. One of the benefits of my dc being older is that they sort out their own social lives and I don't have deal with this stuff anymore. I remember how upsetting it is though.

I hope you can find some better friends, op

AFS1 · 17/06/2021 20:24

This could have been written by me. I found out last week that there is a coffee WhatsApp group amongst a bunch of mums I’ve always considered my friends. Whereas I have to take a chance to turn up or not, they all chat between themselves whether they’re meeting up. I’d wondered about it, because of the number of times I’ve turned up and no-one else was there. Even with them talking about it in front of me, no-one suggested they should add me.

OP, I don’t know what the answer is, but you’re definitely not unreasonable to feel hurt and left out.

KateMuff · 17/06/2021 20:25

This happened to me but it was trips to the panto etc they did and didn't invite me. I just started v civil and dropped them. Mine are 16 and 18 now and I still see the 'group' sat having coffee in matching Boden coats. Fuck that! I'm so glad I saw sense and escaped 😂😂😂

slashlover · 17/06/2021 20:25

How do you know about the other group?

Newchallenge · 17/06/2021 20:27

I get it OP, having the same experience.

Mistyplanet · 17/06/2021 20:32

I find school mums so up and down. One moment friendly the next minute seem to avoid you. When this happens I try and forget about them and wait til they come to me again. Im not chasing anyone lol. Dont take school mums for true friends unless you are absolutely certain youve got a real connection. Many are just friendly for the sake of their child and dont actually want anything to do with you in my experience!

Original poster

Leftoutandblue · 17/06/2021 20:32

Sending love to all of you who have felt the same or are feeling it now. It really hurts and I just can’t shake it!

OP posts:

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 17/06/2021 20:32

Id be a bit put out too. I jist wouldnt chat on the group anymore and let it fizzle out, but be friendly at the school gates

laalaaland · 17/06/2021 20:35

oh, that's really shit OP. so sorry. I would be really hurt too. Yes, yes, we're not at school now and we SHOULD not be bothered, but, it hurts.

There are 3 clear options for me.

Call them out on it. Either make light of it in the group like 'hey where was my invite the other day ladies?! How about we all go and do X together..., or ask one you feel closest to privately about it

Ignore, carry on as normal, see them as 'fair weather' friends. Enjoy hanging out when they invite you, don't worry if they don't

Start making friends elsewhere and distance yourself from the group.

I hate all this bullshit and really feel for you.

Original poster

Leftoutandblue · 17/06/2021 20:37

The sad thing is I really enjoyed those walks. I thought I had a nice group of friends and so feel foolish as well as sad.

Anyway, I will stop wallowing in self pity. My plan is to be civil but not chase their friendships. The hard thing is that I’ll be seeing them every day for years. Otherwise I would be tempted to flounce off the WhatsApp group and be like an ice queen when I see them!

OP posts:

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