To feel left out and upset?

[Leftoutandblue]

Hello all, feeling a bit blue tonight and wanted to see if I’m being oversensitive or not.

I live in a village and my 8 year old DD goes to the local primary. I’ve become friendly (or so I thought) with a few of the mums and we often hang out at the park and go for walks together. There is a WhatsApp group we use for arranging meet ups. However I’ve realised that they have been meeting up for walks without me and that they have another WhatsApp group without me in it. I feel so silly and I hate meeting up now knowing that I’m not part of their gang. But I see them every day at drop off/collection time.

I’m not sure how to play it. It’s making me feel very upset and no matter how hard I tell myself that it’s not a big deal, I can’t help the sinking feeling whenever they chat about doing something without me.

Am I overreacting? How can I get over this?

Some people are such shits. I bet they were all the ‘mean girls’ at school and nothing has really changed. I’d be upset too, you’re not being foolish at all

I so appreciate you all taking the time to post and to share your experiences and advice. It is comforting to know that my feelings are normal. Thank you for all the kind words, hugs and flowers, it really has made me feel less alone tonight 😊

Speakingfranglais, it's a group of women, the fact that they are connected by primary school is irrelevant

I am dreading this. My DC starts school this year and we're moving to a tiny village. I have an only so I'm desperate for my DC to make some friends but I can so see myself being excluded because I'm a bit of an odd one (somewhat foreign, tattooed and quite timid ). I think this is why I always keep my distance so I kind of exclude myself before others will, but I think I need to sort this out.

Sorry to hear this happened to you OP. I remember from my NCT times that our group was a bit like that. I was part of a WhatsApp group but later found out that there were a million other groups that I wasn't invited to. I did feel sad and left out but I guess once a group has their own dynamic it's hard to join in, so I never chased them. In your position I would be cheery and civil and see what happens. It sucks to be left out though. If you lived in my new village I would go for walks with you. I love a good walk.

It's possible, OP, that this group have pigeon-holed you as being their friend in one context but don't really see you as their friend in the other context.

I'm guilty of that myself. I have a friend who is my 'day out' friend...when we meet, it's always to do something interesting with our DC like a zoo or museum or trampolining trip. We never meet for boring walks or playground trips even though she's quite local. It's nothing personal and I really like her, it's just the context within which we've spent time with each other up until now. We love spending the day together every now and again, but there's definitely an undertone that that's what we do and that we do the boring park and playground stuff with other people.

Op I get it feels crap. It seems a lot of others feel the same. Do you think people start these groups up purposely leave people out? Or do you think the person that started it didn't know everyone that might possibly want to join up? If other people say there is a group why don't you just ask them to add you? I wonder if people are dwelling on perceived slights when there was no intent to leave someone out? Idk. If I've felt lonely it hasn't ever taken too long to find people in the same boat, but I put myself out there and risk the occasional rejection.

I'm going against the grain on this one.

You're in a friendship group with them. You do stuff with them that you all seem to enjoy. Why get upset that they seem to have other things going on too?

You aren't entitled to an invite to everything some of them do. Friendship groups are organic. Maybe a few of them just wanted to meet up in a smaller group sometimes, or they started something before they knew you and they like that dynamic. Or it's a group that built out of something entirely different.

You aren't in school yourselves. They aren't the cool clique keeping you out so they can flex their social power. They're just regular people who have a series of personal relationships that overlap instead of a monolithic bloc of people they feel obliged to everything with.

It doesn't mean you aren't liked or anything negative, just that they have found their own stability and aren't spending their time wondering if your social life is meeting all your needs and what they should do about it - that's your job.

YANBU, I would feel hurt by that too and would struggle to go to any more meet ups as I would think the whole time that they didn't really want me there, but I am very sensitive. I don't actually have any friends as I have trust issues and I am very shy but I would definitely feel upset by this.

My last dc is finally in her last year at primary.

I've been dealing with primary situations for 18 years and it never changes. It's actually worse now we have whatsapp messenger groups etc etc.

I'm on our class whatsapp group which is just info on class stuff but apart from that I have no communication with them as a group

My dd has play dates with a few of the kids in her class and me and their parents message privately arranging it all but I stepped bak years ago because of exactly this situation.

Don't beat yourself up about it op and as shit as it sounds it's easier to be on the outskirts rather than in the click because it takes over their lives and just gets petty and difficult at times.

You don't need that shit in your life.

I have had this happen twice. Once at my work and another similar to yours. I found the school one really upsetting as I feel i've let down my ds by not getting into the group.

When my eldest started reception it was like a popularity contest between the moms. I was part of all the groups etc but they have all dwindled over the years and now I know who is and who isn’t my friend in the playground, ive got about 5 which is a lot really. Moms can be right nasty bitches and my advice is steer clear of group chats you’ll always get a side line of the chat that’s got someone slagging someone off. Chin up OP don’t let the bastards get you down xx

I sympathise, LeftOutandBlue.

It really is better to have your own friends separate from your children's friends' parents. Be friendly by all means but other friends and work colleagues are better. Do you really need to walk in the park with these people; I wonder what are their topics of conversation.

I daresay they don't mean to exclude you, there are many levels of friendship, but it is hurtful all the same.

Ditch the WhatsApp and move on.

Thinking back, we didn't have WhatsApp back in the day but I still don't use it now. I can't say I ever got involved with school mums (except a couple on a superficial level), but had other, more in depth, friendships which didn't involve children and school. So will you.

Ah OP, I’d be upset too. I recently had a similar situation with what I thought was a very close group of friends and it really rattled me. Try not to be upset, it’s hard though.

School groups are fluid.
I cried when my children left preschool, not just because they were venturing into unknown territory, but because I had made friendships of sorts with many of the other mums. I'd chatted to some of the mums who also had older children, for a few years. I'd shared problems and laughter and life's every day ups and downs.

A few years on and if I see any of them occasionally in the supermarket, I smile awkwardly, say a few quick words and am relieved to get away from the forced small talk.

When DC1 started primary, there were a couple of mothers who organised playdates, and a coupe I had really lovely conversations with.

It took me two years to realise they had their own spin off WhatsApp group and I wasn't included. I felt hurt at the time but fast forward another year and it doesn't bother me at all. Their children are good friends. My DC1 is not in their group at all. I still make small talk with them when I see them but I don't make much effort.

My eldest has a few years left in primary and when DC1 goes to a new school, all the current parents will fade away too.

I think of school parents as transient people. Don't let it get under your skin. Don't flounce. Stick a smile on and don't get too involved with school friendships.

I would distance myself from them.

Another who was excluded from the school clique- but the bitches were always very happy to drop their kids round when they wanted a break. Seriously they aren't worth the effort, I cringe when I see any of them and they are so false and fake to my face

There are bloody Queen Bee type mums in every school, the one in DCs school is a shit stirring smiling assassin, I keep a VERY safe distance from her, the fact is they've never really grown up themselves and left school, it's tragic really.

I'm in several different WA groups with different assortments of mums - just me & a couple of the closer ones, a larger one including those two, ones that started around particular activities but evolved - I don't see it as an issue at all that different combinations of people are in different WA groups. Do you really feel that the exact same group of people need to be doing everything together?

Just ask who you want to join you, to join you!

@lostitall that was me as well. General provider of childcare to all; often for whole weekends or weeks at a time during holidays, even though I had a full time job as well.
But I was never good enough to be invited on the nights out and that really hurt when I found out.
My DD is a sixth former now. The queen bee playground bitch mums now have matching daughters.
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Some women can be totally vile and we’ll never rid ourselves of these types because they unfortunately have daughters themselves.
What advice will I give my daughter, when it is her turn to be a mum? I’ll tell her to be polite to all and get involved with none.

Oh op, I'd be so upset too. No real advice other than solidarity, women can be so nasty sometimes. All magnified by WhatsApp of course. Sending you 💐

I've been through similar with NCT and school mums. I finally thought I had been accepted into the school mum "group" and was invited over to one of their homes (for the first time after a year of knowing them) for "a few of us getting together for some wine and a catch up." I dutifully turned up with a bottle of Prosecco only to discover it was a Neal's Yard party and they just wanted to sell me stuff. I was embarrassed that I had got my hopes up, thinking they were finally including me.

I've since moved far away and don't really feel the need for friends much anymore. That's not to say I don't have any but I'm far less bothered if people don't like me. You will get over this in time and it won't seem like a big deal anymore, I promise. You don't need their approval. Fuck em!

I'd be gutted, too, OP.

In these situations I cope by turning 180 degrees around, heading off in a different direction, meet completely different parents/people and form different friendships and groups.

I also make sure I am seen out and about doing exciting happy things!
Makes me feel better - and it works.
....if that helps?

Out of interest, OP, are you the same level of 'chatty' on WA that they are, by which I mean do you reply/ initiate chats a lot more or a lot less than them? I've friends I'll send silly little thoughts to and others I won't because they don't tend to check WA very frequently or are on tons of groups for various things so get overwhelmed by messages. It doesn't mean I think less of them, and our in-person chats are great, you just build up certain types of relationship with certain people!

Yes I wouldn’t assume anything about them excluding you on purpose. I have quite a few WhatsApp groups with various splinters of different friends that popped up from say, one lunch that was organised with 3 friends and then someone uses that WhatsApp group to organise the next thing, and then they eventually fizzle out and new groups form. It’s never on purpose to leave anyone out and if only for your own peace of mind I would assume that neither is this smaller walking WhatsApp group. Don’t chase people but also don’t assume it’s anything at all to do with you or them trying on purpose to exclude you. Keep your chin up and hang out when it comes up, stay friendly with them and cultivate lots of different connections in your life and form your own little groups full of YOUR favourites