To feel left out and upset?

[Leftoutandblue]

Hello all, feeling a bit blue tonight and wanted to see if I’m being oversensitive or not.

I live in a village and my 8 year old DD goes to the local primary. I’ve become friendly (or so I thought) with a few of the mums and we often hang out at the park and go for walks together. There is a WhatsApp group we use for arranging meet ups. However I’ve realised that they have been meeting up for walks without me and that they have another WhatsApp group without me in it. I feel so silly and I hate meeting up now knowing that I’m not part of their gang. But I see them every day at drop off/collection time.

I’m not sure how to play it. It’s making me feel very upset and no matter how hard I tell myself that it’s not a big deal, I can’t help the sinking feeling whenever they chat about doing something without me.

Am I overreacting? How can I get over this?

How do you know about the other group? Is it reliable information?

@TopTabby

Feeling hurt & left out is a really horrible feeling & is actually quite hard to get over. These groups very rarely have any true friendship within them & usually consist of a Queen Bee type, her 'deputies' & a few desperate hangers on that probably don't feel like they belong either but daren't do anything about it! Is everyone included in the group? Just wondering if there's a few other 'left out' mums who would welcome a meet up & probably turn out to be much better friends for you than the clique. Hope you feel better soon, it's a tough one.

This is so true OP. Well certainly from my experience anyway. These groups invariably end up more heartache than they are worth, this poster has got the typical dynamic spot on, its not real friendship it’s generally marriages of convenience, and everyone (except queen bee and deputies) is liable to be dispensed with or interchanged at will. You don’t want that. You are worth more than that. You sound lovely and I hope you find some nicer mums who value you and don’t just see you as someone making up the numbers.

I really appreciate the advice from you all, thank you!

I know about the other WhatsApp group because one of the mums mentioned that they’d been organising a particular walk on it, after I’d asked when the next walk would be… I came home and cried!

My son is in secondary school now. This just reminded me how hard ‘life as mum at the school gates’ is. I never formed close friendships no matter what I tried. Sending love.

I had this in a school group except I'm not invited to any groups.

First I found out they thought I was unemployed and considered slightly rough because I presume I do the school run in hoodies etc then when one of them found out I had a "good job" I was excluded because of that.

Can't win.

For whatever reason they just don't like me. I'm now past it all as I wanted to make mum friends. I'm not different to anyone, I'm friendly, I smile etc etc but for whatever reason they didn't include me.

I'm no longer arsed three years on but I get the feeling of feeling excluded and so on.

It does hurt. Especially if you have been included then not included.

I speak to one or two mums of they are there if not I get in and get out. Only because they are friends with my DD.

The school yard mafia are twats.

I have no mum friends from school - never wanted them. I have one child home one day each week to help her mum out but that does not make mum my friend. My daughter likes having her over so it is fine with me. My daughter goes up to Y7 in September and I can't wait to not be involved at all....

It’s shit, when you suddenly realise that all your “friends” are anything but.

That sucks OP. Maybe there are some people who don't mind feeling left out but for the majority of us it's a really horrible feeling when you haven't been included. I find the school social scene really odd. There are definitely some who just want to get in and out at drop off, some who would like to make a few friends and some who see it as a continuation of their own school playground days, basically a popularity contest.

Op your plan sounds like a good one.
Mum groups can be awful. I live in a village and didn’t send my dc to the local school for work reasons but I’m so glad for this very reason.
I found NCT mums the same. Try and make friends based on your interests as opposed to your kids- you’ll find far more healthy connections

That is hurtful. I think in a group like that if they are prepared to leave one out no one is safe as they could very well leave another one out soon. So not a nice group to be in.
Horrible people.
I made friends with a few mom's during school and thought we would be friends forever but it's funny that when our kids moved on we just drifted apart. Nothing happened..we just had nothing in common after all.
Is there other moms ..even one in the school you could join for walks. I really wouldn't be comfortable even staying on that WhatsApp group but it's difficult to know how to manage it as you still meet them at the school.

Is there one mum within the group that you feel a bit closer to, or who is the warmest, that you could speak one to one about this? Not in a accusatory way but just to say 'I feel like I'm overlooked for the walks, is there a way I could be included again?' If she's a nice person she'll find a way to add you to the group. Or organise a walk with just one other person that you feel closest to? I'm not really in to mum groups but I have found that there tends to be one big WhatsApp group and then several mini groups some of which I'm part of and many I'm not part of. It's all a bit complex hence I keep a bit of distance from it all and don't consider school mum friends to be my primary friend group (that's my uni pals or ex colleagues) . I hope you can find a way to feel happier about this as it is rubbish to feel left out.

How many people in the group?

I think in a group of 5+ it would be very normal for smaller sub groups to break out.

It's quite possible they're not meaning to hurt you and do still want to hang out!

Friendship politics.. it's awful. But don't lose friends just because they meet up in a smaller group away from a larger group. There could be reasons why this has happened. I meet up with 2 mums on a Monday away from our group of 6, because two of our kids go to a club and the other lives down the street so we have an hour to walk / chat/ quick drink in the time our DC are at their club on a Monday evening. It's nothing against other friends just it wouldn't make sense to invite everyone for less than an hour. Could be something similar and not meaning to hurt you.

I agree with @EnfieldRes, it is very hurtfull to be on the receiving end of it, but it might just be inconsiderate rather than an attempt to exclude. It might be that they have older children in the same class or activity and the grouping is because of that.
You have got to be around them for years , so I think the polite but cooler approach is the way forward. Could you try inviting a friend that your DC has made for a playdate every so often (when rules allow)? this might be a way to get to know everyone better... in the meantime why not see if there are others who might like a walk and also try to make some non school friends if you can. Our council sometimes runs walking routes and guided walks - or there are sometimes exercise groups in the park. It will get easier. Roll on the holidays!

Friendships are fluid. They evolve and change over time. If your DD enjoys meeting with their children, I'd keep up with the group for her sake. It may be that as you get to know some of them better, you naturally become closer to them and others drift out. Unless you get the sense that they are being deliberately exclusive and nasty, it would probably be best to be pragmatic and continue enjoying their company while also developing other relationships outside this group. Take what benefits you from the relationship and don't overthink it.

I honestly try to never take this stuff personally. As someone upthread said, relationships with school mums can ebb and flow. I wouldn’t leave the group. I’d probably approach the one I’m most friendly with and see if she wanted to meet for a coffee/ play date with the kids. If she found an excuse or flaked or invited everyone else then flaked, I’d have my answer.

is it possible that when walks were restricted to 6 people only, someone made a WhatsApp group just to invite up to 5 others? (I did this myself rather than make things awkward in a bigger WhatsApp group.) Recently the bigger group chat has got lively again with a meet up planned.

I think my current group of friends works because we all know that there are different smaller meet ups including just pairs going on all the time and everyone is relaxed about it. It's not a super-clique.

I think I'd try focusing on individuals rather than the group identity for a bit. If there's someone you like, invite them round, get to know them a bit better.

Lousy op. I found some lovely school mams but some right cliques too. Its horrible. Sister leaving my name off cards. Its not nice behaviour. Hope u ok. Thank god mine older now I dont see the mums

Oh OP, I don’t think you are unreasonable to be upset. I don’t think the other mums are necessarily doing anything wrong either but it still feels crap. Mumsnet hug.

I absolutely empathise as I had this a few weeks ago, except I’m not in the WhatsApp group that everyone else is in. Found out at the park after someone mentioned this WhatsApp group and then started telling me all about things they’d all done/discussed/planned. Everyone except me. I mean Wtf. I’ve always been friendly, chatty and kind. I have always worked though and I’m not originally from the area which set me apart slightly from the main group.
My DD is also 8, also village school, she’s been there since reception.

I went home and (ridiculous though it is) absolutely cried my eyes out. I felt so excluded and crap. I always pictured having a lovely group of school mum friends but clearly in a small village school there are not any other groups to smile at/chat to or get to know. I’ve now accepted it’s just not to be.

After I had got over the initial upset I decided I could not be bothered with putting in any effort with that group anymore. I’m not willing to feel like the ‘left out one’ all the time. I’ve since gone back to work full time (I had been temporarily working part time over the last year) and feel much better for it. Lots of lovely new people.

I’m not sure I have any good advice (sorry!), other than not to chase friendships, and maybe see if you can join a new activity/gym class/whatever floats your boat, and make some lovely, new, actual friends who appreciate you. That and wine. 🍷

Hope you feel better soon. Alot of us have been through this, sometimes its just thoughtlessness and other times it's people being mean or rude.
Either way there isn't much you can do about it, if there is someone in the group you particularly like ask them directly to go on a walk, just the two of you. Personally I prefer speaking to one person that groups anyways. Take care xxx

OP - that's really sad and I know how you feel. School mums make you into something you're not. I felt I needed to be in the group, yet I couldn't give you one reason why. I realised my group were meeting and yes, from reading PP you would believe it was never intentional but from what I read and having spoken to other mums it usually is always deliberate.

Once I 'found out' the others in my group were meeting (one of the mums I had introduced to the rest of the group, told me they were in a very matter-of-fact-way), I decided to think about why I even speak to them. It was only because our children were in the same class, nothing more. I became the ice-queen and never spoke to any of them again and I feel so proud of myself to this day for acting the way I did. I actually saw the queen bee a few years back and funnily enough, her child is not doing so great, whereas mine came top of the class in primary and passed 11+.
I know she knows and I felt immense pleasure in staring directly at her with no emotion.
Mums are probably the most wicked, and they are very aware of what they do. I remember turning up at a parents drinks evening and one mum stormed in late and demanded everyone's attention which she got, apart from me because I was in the loo. She obviously never spoke to me ever but you know what, I never spoke to her either and when the time came when she had to because I organised an event, I asked her who she was just to make her feel like a nobody. Yes, I felt good for being so childish!

I hope you find some real friends, and try outside of the school.

OP I hear you. It is hurtful (at first) but you soon move on. I’m thankfully in my last week of having to deal with the school mums & their exclusion from the WhatsApp group and it’s like freedom 😂😂😂

I know that doesn’t make you feel much better at the start of the journey but the only thing you have in common with these people is that you all had sex around the same time. If you feel there are some you could advance friendships with make the move and suggest something otherwise run away and save yourself the hassle and stick to polite nods and talking about the weather at pick up and drop off

I would be hurt by this and I agree with others that you should leave the WhatsApp group and distance yourself from these clicky bitches, being an adult is hard as this behaviour reminds me of schooldays when we were young.

Try and find some new friends elsewhere and join a club.

💐💐💐💐

I also had this really recently! Part of a group of mums who would do play dates and holiday stuff as well as for drink in the evenings. The first few times I realised I’d been left out I just cried and carried on but it kept happening - in the end I called them out on it and left the group and they were all “please come back, we’re sorry” etc I met up with most of them separately and all seemed okay although I didn’t rejoin the group, i’m still not included and feel like i’m letting my kids down. It can be so sad, if never treat ‘friends’ like that.

Ugh I hated being a primary school mum for these very reasons. Anyway I worked full time and had better friends outside school, but it was tedious and pathetic.