To realise this isn’t normal?

[Shadesoff]

My parents are visiting tomorrow, first time in over a month and before that I hadn’t seen them since last summer due to Covid.
Anyway, I’ve spent most of today trying different outfits on because they ALWAYS comment on my weight. I am overwrought, I’ll put my hands up and admit it, but I don’t need to be reminded by them each time I see them.
My dad pokes me in the tummy and says “what’s this?” My mum looks at me in such a way that I know what she’s thinking and when they’ve gone home again I get a message on WhatsApp from her about my appearance and how it’s “very concerning to her” and steps I can take to help myself.
We’re meant to be going on a picnic and I’m already getting anxious about it as whenever I eat more than what they ‘think’ I should be, they start commenting. “Oh are you sure you need that?” Those kind of things.

I do like seeing them and I want them to spend time with my son (their grandson) but it’s so draining.
The way they go on is like I’m a heroin addict or something!

Why are you putting up with this? You’re a grown ass woman and can do what the fuck you like.

This sounds like torture OP

Why are you letting them treat you like this? It's not OK. They have no right to treat you so badly.

Tell them in a message before you meet them tomorrow that no-one is to mention your weight, and if they do, you will pack up and leave. You deserve more respect than that.

'Dad stop going on about my weight, I don't go on about your thinning hair or Mum's wrinkles do I?'

I would absolutely preempt this bullshit. By text, email or phone, whatever you are most comfortable with, tell your parents you do not want to hear one word about your weight. Not one. If they violate this boundary you will leave.

Do not allow them to continue this outrageous behaviour. It's time to make a stand.

Wow, no that's not normal!

I agree with either texting ahead to say that their comments upset you and please don't mention weight this time OR do what Caselgarcia said!

I agree with PO about setting the boundary BEFORE they arrive. I would say:

"Mum & Dad, I don't know if you realise this, but you often negatively comment on my weight when you see me. It makes me feel anxious and not look forward to seeing you. I am an adult and aware of my own health needs. I am respectfully asking you to no longer comment on my appearance or you will be unfortunately no longer welcome in my home".

It’s time for the Mumsnet reply, OP:

“Did you mean to be so rude?”

Seriously though, they are out of order and bloody rude to make personal comments about anything about you, especially your weight. Yanbu and it’s fine to tell them so.

I had a similar problem with my mum. Done from love but it really, really didnt help and I would dread her comments.

In the end I had my dh have a stern word (I tried but she just wouldnt listen to me). That was that, she never mentioned it again.

Cancel
Tell them why - you don't like that they are constantly rude and critical, and that you'll be better off without them.

If you won’t stand up to them for yourself, do it for your child. It’s not healthy for children to be exposed to comments like that.

I had the same problem with my parents. Went very low contact with them as a result. I would tell them in so many words to stop being offensive and mind their own business.

Wtf, that isn't normal and I would reconsider your view that you want DC to spend time with them. To PP saying you should pre warn them by text not to mention your weight - I can imagine that is going to have zero effect and actually set them off on one, especially if they are not used to you standing up for yourself. Not that this should prevent you from speaking up, I agree you need to assert yourself, at least for the sake of your children. I'm sorry OP, this sounds so awful.

Why would you have that rudeness around your child?

Send the text.

One word or look, get up and leave.

What a lovely break you have had from them, it must be tempting to make it permanent.

Totally NOT normal.

No it's not normal, it's a massively disrespectful way to talk to another adult.

My mum is much less direct but no more normal IMO. I don't think she sees me as a proper adult - it's not disrespectful because it's "only me".

my mum has done this all my life. I have just put up with it. i wish I had said something earlier. She's 90 now so no point. it's really not on. Message them before they come and tell them that its rude and you don't want to hear it

Are they seriously worried about your health or is it just vanity?

Obviously their comments are unhelpful either way but I can imagine finding it very hard seeing my child morbidly obese, and being incredibly worried about them and not knowing how to help.

In other words I would speak to them, but possibly with different degrees of kindness depending on the situation.

I would also recommend what @Caselgarcia suggested. They are being rude so turn it back onto them by pointing out their faults until they learn not to make hurtful personal remarks.

Wtf OP that's outrageous and absolutely not normal! I can imagine my DM might have a very gentle conversation with me if I gained a lot of weight very rapidly or something and she was worried about me but she would never make snide remarks.

Honestly, I wouldn't want people like this around my dc's. You might think it's in their best interests to have a relationship with their grandparents but how long until the personal remarks start on on them.

If they are otherwise lovely parents then I'd say give them fair warning that you will not tolerate this any longer but you would not be unreasonable to go low or even no contract with them over this behaviour.

They ,for some reason ,are trying to make you feel bad ,maybe they are jealous of your happiness ? Maybe their lives are much more miserable than you think . Let them bring up your weight and then look them in the eyes and ask them sympathetically ,whats up with them ? Why do they feel the need to try and make you feel like shit ? Whats up mom ? dad ? Why are you so bitchy ? Im sorry you are so unhappy with your lives , can i help you in any way ?

My dad pokes me in the tummy and says “what’s this?”

If anyone did this to me it would get ugly fast.

So your father assaults you and you let him?

Next time he does it call him out, how dare he.

As to both of them I would be telling them they either stop talking about it or you won’t be meeting them, and mean it

I wouldn't send a text in advance because I think they would see it all as your issue / oversensitivity rather than reflect on their own unacceptable behaviour.

I would address their actions as and when they exhibit them. Tell them they are being rude and that you will not tolerate it any more.

People get stuck in their ways with their parents, and you are still in "child" mode. You need to move to "adult" with them. That's tough. I struggled to do it with my DF after DM died. I think the easiest way to address it would be by text - send them a message saying you've put on weight over lockdown, but please don't mention it as you find their comments about your weight upsetting. Then if they bring it up, just say "did you not get my message?".

OP thats crap. I wouldn't message before they visit as it kind of puts a downer on the visit before they arrive. But I would send a message (like the ones suggested above) afterwards if they behave that way. Then you have stood your ground and made yourself clear after inappropriate comments being made rather than jumping the gun so to speak, which is what they'll accuse you of. They then have time to think about what you've said before the next time you see them. If they repeat it again on a future visit, I'd send them another message and reduce contact/put them at arms length to preserve your mental health.