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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To realise this isn’t normal?

96 replies

Shadesoff · 15/06/2021 22:45

My parents are visiting tomorrow, first time in over a month and before that I hadn’t seen them since last summer due to Covid.
Anyway, I’ve spent most of today trying different outfits on because they ALWAYS comment on my weight. I am overwrought, I’ll put my hands up and admit it, but I don’t need to be reminded by them each time I see them.
My dad pokes me in the tummy and says “what’s this?” My mum looks at me in such a way that I know what she’s thinking and when they’ve gone home again I get a message on WhatsApp from her about my appearance and how it’s “very concerning to her” and steps I can take to help myself.
We’re meant to be going on a picnic and I’m already getting anxious about it as whenever I eat more than what they ‘think’ I should be, they start commenting. “Oh are you sure you need that?” Those kind of things.

I do like seeing them and I want them to spend time with my son (their grandson) but it’s so draining.
The way they go on is like I’m a heroin addict or something!

OP posts:

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 16/06/2021 00:04

Either before or after their visit let them know that apparently their repeated judgment of your size has led directly to an issue with food and the repeated comments are counterproductive.

Zzelda · 16/06/2021 00:06

Try a concerned head tilt plus"You know, I've noticed that you have a real obsession with food and eating, have you been checked out for eating disorders?"

greenlynx · 16/06/2021 00:19

I wouldn’t message before and I wouldn’t do sarcastic replies. So next time when they comment reply the same as you would reply to your colleague and do this calmly and seriously. When your dad just moves his hand towards your tummy - stop his hand physically, move it away and say : Stop it, what do you do? I think it’s ok to show that you are displeased and even angry that they behave this way towards you.

UnRavellingFast · 16/06/2021 00:26

Eat before they get there, then offer them no food or opportunity to eat and if they suggest lunch, explain you’re concerned about their obsession with food and weight and you’d rather keep your relationship with them than risk triggering their issues which make them behave offensively.

queennotififi · 16/06/2021 00:29

"Your comments about my weight upset me last time we met. I want us all to have a nice day today so please don't spoil it by commenting on my weight. Really looking forward to seeing you both later. x"

Susannahmoody · 16/06/2021 00:30

Sounds awful. Sent the pre-emptive text.

NiceGerbil · 16/06/2021 00:31

Mine are like that.

It's hard as they're nice nice nice then do something terrible. And each time I get upset again.

Thing is they are great with the kids. Really nice to them and affectionate in a way they never were with me.

If I raise anything they just deny it.

I don't think that a pre emptive text etc will help.

My kids are bigger so I just have them go round (they live near).

I think all you can do is think fuck you I'm great.

And when you get poked in the tummy say please don't poke me I don't like it. If they say oh you're looking X say I feel great! If they text you after ignore it. Reply if you want and totally ignore it.

It is really hard if they are constantly slagging you off but you still want to see them.

Sounds like you are ingesting their comments. Different outfits etc. If you felt brave you could wear something totally bonkers and throw them totally! As a bit of a fuck you. They won't know what to say if you're wearing clashing clothes, s cummerbund and a massive wedding hat for example

partyatthepalace · 16/06/2021 00:33

Take this as an opportunity for a new start.

Dress it whatever makes you feel confident. Every time they make a crappy comment, take a breath and push back - That’s really rude mum - let’s move on / my weight is my own business not yours. Plan some stock phrases to deal with them - and push them off. If your Dad pokes you - give him a sharp slap back.

It will be a bit odd but they’ll soon get used to it

NiceGerbil · 16/06/2021 00:33

My mum when I was about 15 made me try on a load of her old clothes and was gleefully saying oh look it doesn't even nearly do up!

I was maybe 7.5 stone at that age

It's boring and weird.

LopsidedWombat · 16/06/2021 01:40

I've got two relatives who make lots of comments about appearance. Never one particular thing but maybe about looking tired or the way my hair is styled, "what the hell is that on your head" when it's very clearly a hair clip. It is very tedious and does dent your confidence, especially if you've had it your whole life. I've been considering fighting fire with fire the next time it inevitably happens, something like "I don't know if you've meant to upset me with your frequent comments about my appearance over the years but I've really had enough of it, I don't comment on your ever receding hairline because that too would be horribly insensitive and none of us are perfect after all". I'm thinking that if you're the sort of person to just tolerate it usually this would be a bit of a shock and maybe it would therefore be quite effective?

purplecorkheart · 16/06/2021 01:48

Please please please do not put up with this vile behaviour. You such not experience one second of this horrible behaviour. Please do not let your son witness his mom being treated so awfully by his Grandparents. Sending you my best wishes.

fallfallfall · 16/06/2021 01:50

I think it’s normal for you to feel anxious about the inevitable comments.
It’s also normal for parents to say shit that others don’t have the guts to do.
It’s not helpful and clearly your aware your overweight. Are you doing anything to work on that?
And if people think it’s weird, your mom my mom and my son in laws mom all do it.

1forAll74 · 16/06/2021 02:10

I would just tell them to stop bugging you about this, as you don't want to keep hearing their rubbish comments. You sometimes have to tell people with annoying habits, to shut up sometimes, parents or not.

FlyNow · 16/06/2021 03:37

"Mum & Dad, I don't know if you realise this, but you often negatively comment on my weight when you see me. It makes me feel anxious and not look forward to seeing you. I am an adult and aware of my own health needs. I am respectfully asking you to no longer comment on my appearance or you will be unfortunately no longer welcome in my home".

This is perfect. I had a similar situation and told my parents something like this, since then they have never made another comment.

Lockeddownagain · 16/06/2021 04:01

Hey mate it's the same for me I've always had this from my parents I have a big bday next week and I'm really stressed about it because I'll get comments about my appearance in fact it already started the other day when they were making a fuss over my getting dressed up. It's easy to say why are u putting up with it if you haven't been subjected to this torture your whole life. But i have and I understand no advice as I haven't any but lots of understanding and love x

Happyhappyday · 16/06/2021 04:57

Ugh, my MIL does this to my SIL & asks me for tips on how she can lose weight (I am pretty skinny). It’s horrible to witness and I imagine unbearable to have it happen to you. She also will often comment on what my DD is eating (that’s an awful lot of food for a small person is her fav). DD is 2!! And totally normal sized. Why other people think it’s ok to comment is beyond me, like, are you telling me because you think I didn’t notice?!!

Happyhappyday · 16/06/2021 05:02

I second the respectful, what you’re saying is offensive and if you don’t stop, you won’t be welcome. If you get a reply like “it’s just a bit of fun” then “it’s not funny” is a good go to. Or “but we’re worried about you.” “I’m aware of my size and your commenting is accomplishing nothing but ruining our relationship ship.” On repeat.

Laserbird16 · 16/06/2021 05:30

Urgh, I wouldn't preemptively text as you'll be accused of being too sensitive yadda yadda.

Tough but try not giving a fuck. Really does what you weigh make you less valuable as their daughter? If so, I would not care what they think. Tackle each incident in the moment adult to adult. Can you imagine if some stranger said these things to you? It's weird and rude. Sometimes family think they get some special pass to be rude, no they don't, people who are unpleasant don't get to enjoy your company.

CrazyNeighbour · 16/06/2021 05:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zoemum2006 · 16/06/2021 06:22

That’s outrageously rude behaviour and you need to put a stop to it.

Only you will know if they’ll respond well to you saying you’re hurt by their behaviour.

My parents would just think I’m being over sensitive and not change so I’ve had to be more forceful with them (about a different issue).

You could start with a joke “oh my god what are your like? You don’t talk to a grown adult that way!”

If they carry on just say “no, it’s rude and you need to stop” and then finally “You need to listen to what I’m saying or I’ll have to leave”.

FuckyouCovid21 · 16/06/2021 06:24

@fallfallfall

I think it’s normal for you to feel anxious about the inevitable comments. It’s also normal for parents to say shit that others don’t have the guts to do. It’s not helpful and clearly your aware your overweight. Are you doing anything to work on that? And if people think it’s weird, your mom my mom and my son in laws mom all do it.

It's not normal for parents to humiliate their children, it's sad that you think it is

Laserbird16 · 16/06/2021 06:29

Maybe tell them you always bring joy to my house, occasionally when you arrive but mostly when you leave...cfs

Thatswatshesaid · 16/06/2021 06:32

When they arrive say ‘wow you look so old!’ Repeatedly mention ‘should you be doing that at your age’ and when they leave send them links to products for ageing skin and activities for the elderly.

Goatinthegarden · 16/06/2021 06:42

My eldest brother is morbidly obese. I know it upsets my mum dreadfully as male relatives on her side have a history of dying young from heart problems. He is very into food and cooking and often sends photos to a shared family chat of outrageously huge and rich portions of food he has made for him and the family.

She would never dare utter a word to him about it though for fear of seeming to be putting her nose in where it wasn’t wanted. It is very rude of your parents to make comments, but perhaps it is coming from a place of genuine concern? I would pre-warn them not to say anything, if they care they will respect your wishes.

DotsandCo · 16/06/2021 06:42

@fallfallfall

I think it’s normal for you to feel anxious about the inevitable comments. It’s also normal for parents to say shit that others don’t have the guts to do. It’s not helpful and clearly your aware your overweight. Are you doing anything to work on that? And if people think it’s weird, your mom my mom and my son in laws mom all do it.

No...it's really NOT normal! And your parents and the OPs parents are very much in the minority...and abusive! This is incredibly shitty and insensitive behaviour. The fact that you think it is 'normal' is very worrying!

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