To realise this isn’t normal?

[Shadesoff]

My parents are visiting tomorrow, first time in over a month and before that I hadn’t seen them since last summer due to Covid.
Anyway, I’ve spent most of today trying different outfits on because they ALWAYS comment on my weight. I am overwrought, I’ll put my hands up and admit it, but I don’t need to be reminded by them each time I see them.
My dad pokes me in the tummy and says “what’s this?” My mum looks at me in such a way that I know what she’s thinking and when they’ve gone home again I get a message on WhatsApp from her about my appearance and how it’s “very concerning to her” and steps I can take to help myself.
We’re meant to be going on a picnic and I’m already getting anxious about it as whenever I eat more than what they ‘think’ I should be, they start commenting. “Oh are you sure you need that?” Those kind of things.

I do like seeing them and I want them to spend time with my son (their grandson) but it’s so draining.
The way they go on is like I’m a heroin addict or something!

Tell them to shut up

That is so mean there's just no need for it. U need to stand up for yourself, nip it in the bud now! Tell them it's offending and upsetting you there is no need for them to comment on your appearance.

No wonder you are anxious that is horrible of them.

@Aquamarine1029

My dad pokes me in the tummy and says “what’s this?”

If anyone did this to me it would get ugly fast.

Yes, I was going to suggest that bending back a finger on the offending hand the way you would if someone groped you on a crowded tube might be a short sharp shock,

@osbertthesyrianhamster I completely agree. My mum started doing the same - I think she realised that telling me I needed to lose weight wasn't working (yes, I do realise I have gained weight mum, I do own a mirror but nothing I'm trying is working). Difference is though that I laugh right at her and tell her I can see exactly what she is trying to do and to stop- it is not helpful and depending on my mood can be very upsetting. @MissyB1 please please stop speaking to your DS like this- he can see through your strategy like a pane of glass and it is detrimental rather than helpful.

You need to confront your parents about this, tell them it is unacceptable, and be prepared for 6 months to a year of them not talking to you.

[quote Onynx]**@osbertthesyrianhamster* I completely agree. My mum started doing the same - I think she realised that telling me I needed to lose weight wasn't working (yes, I do realise I have gained weight mum, I do own a mirror but nothing I'm trying is working). Difference is though that I laugh right at her and tell her I can see exactly what she is trying to do and to stop- it is not helpful and depending on my mood can be very upsetting. @MissyB1* please please stop speaking to your DS like this- he can see through your strategy like a pane of glass and it is detrimental rather than helpful.[/quote]
Oh, my sister and her husband are huge. I mean, they are seriously obese and he's got a stent and a defib in his heart in his 50s. She has a chronic condition. They are both educated professionals. They're adults with adult children. They know how to use scales and that they're obese and even my mother wouldn't throw out passive aggressive crap about walks because my sister would be the first to call her out on it.

Anyone with half a brain can sniff that out.

Just had this from my mother after a visit.

She phoned me up in all seriousness asking if I could have ovarian cancer because I looked so bloated and pale.

No mum, I'm just fat and stressed but thanks...

And honestly, if someone wants bloody support to lose weight, they'll ask for it. Some people, believe it or not, are not interested in losing weight. I'm not. I know what it takes to lose at my age and I'm not interested in making that kind of change. I exercise as much as I want so that does it for me.

@Onynx
No I know my ds well enough to know how and when to offer support. He’s been quite isolated in the pandemic because of living alone and working from home. He has absolutely appreciated offers to go out with us, walk our dog etc…It can be hard to get motivated if you are isolated.
I would never ever comment on,or refer to,his weight in any way at all.

Perhaps you should start pointing out their 'flaws' - grey hair? wrinkles? hair from your dads nose rather than on his head? fashion sense?

They dont sound very nice parents tbh

I think they are some boundary issues here for a lot of people but if you know your stressed, overweight, bloated etc also know that these are health issues that cause long term serious chronic illnesses.

What are you doing to address the stress? Weight? and I mean talking to a Dr or a nurse, getting counselling or other proper professional help. These issues are complex, they don't arise overnight and they take time to sort out.

If I had a family member whom I loved in this situation I would want to help and support them. (obviously passive aggressive comments not being the way to do it but sometimes difficult conversations need to be had.)

@Ineverpromisedyouarosegarden

I think they are some boundary issues here for a lot of people but if you know your stressed, overweight, bloated etc also know that these are health issues that cause long term serious chronic illnesses.

What are you doing to address the stress? Weight? and I mean talking to a Dr or a nurse, getting counselling or other proper professional help. These issues are complex, they don't arise overnight and they take time to sort out.

If I had a family member whom I loved in this situation I would want to help and support them. (obviously passive aggressive comments not being the way to do it but sometimes difficult conversations need to be had.)

What does it matter what she's doing? That's her business and no one else's. She asked if the parents are being unreasonable being rude about her weight. Yes, they are.

The fuck it's anyone's place to have a 'difficult conversation' with someone because they're overweight. They know they are.

When you love someone who's an adult you help and support them by keeping your gob shut about their appearance unless you're bloody well asked.

The thing is normal isn't the same thing as right. It might be normal in lots of families but it isn't right.

I hate the belief that it is ok to be vile out of concern. Its just not. Do people honestly think you aren't aware if you are overweight ? It's unbelievably rude and even at best when someone convinces themselves they say it nicely "out of concern" it's not out of concern , it's because they want to see themselves as helping for their own validation.

I would draw a very clear boundary and hold it every single time.

Both my DM and DP pulled this and I stopped it in the tracks and said no more. Several years later I lost 8 stone and my Dsis has been through through rough time and gained some weight . I was incandescently angry when I found out my DM had been commenting "out of concern" , it wasn't...its because she was ashamed of having an overweight daughter and to add insult was comparing her to me.

This was a particularly nasty gesture as DSIS and I actively dislike each other.

I have to say I gave DM both barrels for that one. Its nasty , unproductive and always always about the commenters own issues. I might not like my Dsis as a person but it's an awful horrible shaming thing to do.

Draw the line OP , you absolutely don't need to put up with this from anyone.

@Ineverpromisedyouarosegarden

I think they are some boundary issues here for a lot of people but if you know your stressed, overweight, bloated etc also know that these are health issues that cause long term serious chronic illnesses.

What are you doing to address the stress? Weight? and I mean talking to a Dr or a nurse, getting counselling or other proper professional help. These issues are complex, they don't arise overnight and they take time to sort out.

If I had a family member whom I loved in this situation I would want to help and support them. (obviously passive aggressive comments not being the way to do it but sometimes difficult conversations need to be had.)

Not that it's any of your business but I am addressing my health issues thanks, and my mother knows this.

I'm acutely aware of my body, I'm a grown adult and I really don't need my mother reminding me how shit I look.

I am a health care professional. I have really difficult conversations regularly with people whose health has got to the point where they have developed a chronic illness. It's not an easy conversation to have or to hear.

I'm not directing this at the OP or anyone else posting on this thread.

There are two issues here, people who make unsupportive comments in an unhelpful way. That's not acceptable. Possibly some family members trying to be helpful and coming across as getting at the person.

There will also be people who because of various issues can't make any changes right now due to their circumstances whatever that might be.

But if just one person reads this and thinks maybe I could get some help from a professional person and improve my health then that would be a good outcome.

Everyone probably has some issue or other but sometimes even small steps like the 5 ways to well-being can be enough to change the pathway you are on.

Nobody wants to be told they have developed a chronic illness but small steps to change at an earlier stage can prevent lots of pain down the road.

Don’t put up with this any more OP.
Send them a message.
“Mum, Dad, I am fully aware of your opinions about my weight. That topic is no longer up for discussion, and if you bring it up again, I will have to withdraw from seeing you, which is not something I want to do. Please respect my decision in this in order for us to be able to enjoy a continued good relationship. Love OP”

There's no guarantee you'll get some chronic illness. Really hope you leave your work at work because you come across as incredibly patronising and condescending, especially assuming adults don't know the ramifications that being overweight can have and needing to be told by randoms on the internet.

@Ineverpromisedyouarosegarden

I am a health care professional. I have really difficult conversations regularly with people whose health has got to the point where they have developed a chronic illness. It's not an easy conversation to have or to hear.

I'm not directing this at the OP or anyone else posting on this thread.

There are two issues here, people who make unsupportive comments in an unhelpful way. That's not acceptable. Possibly some family members trying to be helpful and coming across as getting at the person.

There will also be people who because of various issues can't make any changes right now due to their circumstances whatever that might be.

But if just one person reads this and thinks maybe I could get some help from a professional person and improve my health then that would be a good outcome.

Everyone probably has some issue or other but sometimes even small steps like the 5 ways to well-being can be enough to change the pathway you are on.

Nobody wants to be told they have developed a chronic illness but small steps to change at an earlier stage can prevent lots of pain down the road.

You sound almost as patronising and sanctimonious as my mum.

This is not the issue the OP raised here, she just wants a modicum of respect from her family.

I wouldn’t see them. They may be your parents but they are really rude and really unkind. Take a long break from them at least and when you feel more relaxed in yourself think about what you want to do to lose weight, if you want to that is. It’s really no one else’s business.

@Ineverpromisedyouarosegarden what about the people who are healthy and develop chronic illnesses
Sorry my body just randomly decided to develop an autoimmune condition, wasn't aware being overweight was the cause of my neutropenia, urticaria and hashimotos
Anyone who tried to have a conversation about my health causing those is likely to get a WTF face

When they poke you in the tummy, point out their wrinkles/grey hair.. that should shut them up.