To realise this isn’t normal?

[Shadesoff]

My parents are visiting tomorrow, first time in over a month and before that I hadn’t seen them since last summer due to Covid.
Anyway, I’ve spent most of today trying different outfits on because they ALWAYS comment on my weight. I am overwrought, I’ll put my hands up and admit it, but I don’t need to be reminded by them each time I see them.
My dad pokes me in the tummy and says “what’s this?” My mum looks at me in such a way that I know what she’s thinking and when they’ve gone home again I get a message on WhatsApp from her about my appearance and how it’s “very concerning to her” and steps I can take to help myself.
We’re meant to be going on a picnic and I’m already getting anxious about it as whenever I eat more than what they ‘think’ I should be, they start commenting. “Oh are you sure you need that?” Those kind of things.

I do like seeing them and I want them to spend time with my son (their grandson) but it’s so draining.
The way they go on is like I’m a heroin addict or something!

They're concerned about you.
It's not nice to hear that you're fat but if you weren't fat they wouldn't say it.

Have a stern word with them or lose weight.

My DPs dad pulls me aside everytime we see him and tells me off for his weight. He's dealing with the consequence of being overweight and doesn't want the same for his son.

@MizMoonshine why is he telling you off?

Thank you for all the replies. It’s difficult because if I say I’m hurt by it etc they’ll say I’m being too sensitive or they’re ‘concerned’ about me. They also go on about how skinny I was as a child and teen and how different I look now (not different in a good way obviously!)
It ruins every occasion, holidays, birthdays etc as it’s usually brought up at some point. I’m a size 20, sometimes an 18, occasionally a 22 depending on shop, I’m 5’7. I don’t own any scales so I don’t know how much I weigh. I know I’m overweight, I do need to do something about it, but them constantly telling me, actually has the opposite effect. It makes me comfort eat because I feel rubbish about myself.

Oh and I have a hormone problem (PCOS) the weight ‘problem’ started after I went on the pill in my early twenties, then I struggled to shake it off. Now my shape has changed again because I had my son 3 years ago and I had a c section so I have an over hang / pouch. And I breastfed for over a year , so my boobs aren’t as great as they once were.

I hear you OP. This sounds terrible. My mum comments on my weight and what I eat too, I don't know if she's trying to be helpful or just cruel but, as you say, comments have the opposite effect. I also get the "you're oversensitive" remarks. They shouldn't treat you like this. Big hugs.

I had a very similar situation with all of my family OP. I have been overweight since childhood and they bullied me relentlessly about it. Once I was an adult and developed the confidence to be able to call them out on it, I did so at every opportunity. I told both my parents that they were not to talk about my body under any circumstances again or I would no longer see them. They also started talking about how sensitive I was being, and I just asked them why they were determined to make me feel bad if they think I'm a sensitive person?

It mainly stopped. On the few occasions since then that they did mention it, even in the context of 'caring about my health', I turned the tables and started asking about their ailments. Each had a certain ailment they were embarrassed about, and me asking loudly about their specific ailments soon put a stop to their questions.

You need to make it clear that you will not put up with this behaviour. At the very least, even if you don't feel comfortable confronting them, then the next time they do it I would just stand up, pack up in silence and leave. I would then send them a text when I got home and say that from now on, every time they make one of those comments you will leave. And if it keeps happening then leave it longer and longer before seeing them.

They need to see that you mean what you say.

@Aquamarine1029

I would absolutely preempt this bullshit. By text, email or phone, whatever you are most comfortable with, tell your parents you do not want to hear one word about your weight. Not one. If they violate this boundary you will leave.

Do not allow them to continue this outrageous behaviour. It's time to make a stand.

This.

They're rude fuckers. Or every time they say something, you say 'Yeah, dad, look at your bald patch/are you wearing dentures/look at your criw's feet'.

@Shadesoff

Oh and I have a hormone problem (PCOS) the weight ‘problem’ started after I went on the pill in my early twenties, then I struggled to shake it off. Now my shape has changed again because I had my son 3 years ago and I had a c section so I have an over hang / pouch. And I breastfed for over a year , so my boobs aren’t as great as they once were.

Stop justifying yourself. Why should you? This issue with your parents isn't to do with whether you are or aren't in great shape. It's about them being rude and overstepping. You have to take a stand as suggested by PPs. Good luck!

Order a box of cream cakes. Put them on a plate when they arrive. Eat every single one of them while they are there. Don't offer them to share. When you receive a comment, smile, reach for another and say what a pleasure it is to be A Grown Woman Who Can Do As I Please in my own home.

I've had the same my whole life OP. From my parents and 1 sibling. My mum will comment every time I see her on my appearance. She has said things to my DD too...about being slim. but I have told her many times not to mention her weight good or bad as its had such a negative impact on me my whole adult life I dont want DD feeling the same.

Yes, knock this on the head now, OP. You need to stand up for yourself. I would text first as suggested above but know that they will probably ignore it and start. So work out what you are prepared to do- ideally, pack up and leave, calmly but firmly. Think through how this is likely to pan out and prepare for it and then follow through. This is exactly how we deal with badly behaving DC. We think and plan and carry it through.
I read a story years ago about parents whose dC always behaved badly in the car on holidays. Warnings were issued about ending the holiday if it happened. They left home a day early, unbeknown to the Dc. They turned the car around and went home as they had said they would and said the holiday was over. Cue crying DC etc. They then said they’d rung the hotel and rearranged - but DC had to behave or else the same would happen. All was well.
So make it clear that if they start you will leave. Stand up to them. You are an adult and they are still behaving as though you are a child.

Omg I could have written this myself! My DP picked up on me trying loads of outfits on before I see my parents and I told him why. They're so critical! I'm 32 , a size 12 (went up to a 18 after having my 18 month old). My dad still made jokes to my baby how "mummy shouldn't eat that, should be on a diet" etc. I just bluntly said to him, no I don't need to diet anymore thanks I'm happy. Drives me insane.

I would message them beforehand to say that you want to be clear with them that your weight is not their business. That you are comfortable as you are and that you will consider any discussion or comment around your weight to be rude and a violation of your boundaries. Ask them to confirm they have understood this before you meet with them.

Unfortunately I think it is quite normal as in it happens a lot, but it is definitely unacceptable.
Agree you have to tell them straight out very clearly not to talk about your body or what you’re eating whatsoever. That you know about your weight and them telling you doesn’t change anything and is in fact simply offensive.

It’s rude and no they are not helping! I have an adult ds who has put quite a bit of weight on during the pandemic, working from home and living in his own etc
I haven’t mentioned his weight at all. Instead I ask about what activities he’s been doing, I ask him about nice walks he’s been going on, I ask him to join us for walks. In other words I try to be constructive and non judgmental.

You need to point out to your parents that support would be appreciated, judgment and criticism are not.

The trouble is, if you tell them you don't want to hear about your weight, they will still do The Look or somehow make sure you are aware of their views.

no, it's not normal OP. My mother is the same. Interestingly now I've lost weight and am slim, she still makes comments about what I look like, my clothes and my body. It is more about them than you. I am now NC with my mother and life's much easier.

There's no way I'd have their rude AF behaviour in front of my son or even without him.

I'd cancel the picnic. Yes, I would.

'What's really unhealthy isn't my weight but your rude, uncalled for comments about mine. No, it's not concern, it's body shaming abuse and I'm not going to put up with it. So no picnic tomorrow. I'm through with any of your comments on my weight or prodding me like a piece of meat. Happy to meet when you decide you're going to treat me like an adult and not a naughty child.x'

I wouldn't send a pre-emptive text and I wouldn't go with the mumsnet favourite of "did you mean to be so rude" (hate it) clearly they do mean to be rude.

I'd do as PPs have said and tell them "don't be rude" every single time

@MissyB1

It’s rude and no they are not helping! I have an adult ds who has put quite a bit of weight on during the pandemic, working from home and living in his own etc I haven’t mentioned his weight at all. Instead I ask about what activities he’s been doing, I ask him about nice walks he’s been going on, I ask him to join us for walks. In other words I try to be constructive and non judgmental.

You need to point out to your parents that support would be appreciated, judgment and criticism are not.

That's not constructive, that's passive aggressive and he, not being a fool, knows. He doesn't need unwarranted, passive aggressive support like that, I'm sure he's well aware of his weight gain.

If I even had a friend like this I wouldn't put up with that and certainly not from a parent.

They’re bullying you, you don’t have to stand for this. I think you need to learn how to stand up for yourself. They can’t enter your home and proceed to bully you every single time. You don’t want your DS picking up on this either, they aren’t positive role models. There’s nothing wrong with you, everything wrong with them.

You poor thing, I know exactly how you feel and am the exact same height and size as you. Also had hormone issues by whole adult life. I know how hard it is but you really should say something to your parents to let them know how it makes you feel. You shouldn't be feeling so anxious before what should be a lovely visit - tell them. Are they otherwise good people?

I'd go the opposite way to most of the posters. They are insensitive oafs and telling them they are rude, or texting them not to say anything, will be ignored as they feel it is their duty (as 'concerned' parents - yeah, right) to point out the bleedin' obvious.

As soon as they mention your weight, take that subject and run with it. Tell them - in as much detail as you can and without drawing breath - all about your PCOS, the gory details of your C section, how a tummy tuck is carried out (get as graphic as you can). Take a breath and then tell them what you ate yesterday, the day before, the day before that.

In essence bore the fuck out of them until they are desperate to change the subject. But when they do, bring it right back to you. Complain loudly and repeatedly about the lack of NHS help for weight loss, the difficulty in finding clothes, etc, etc, etc.

If you do it well enough, long enough and completely dominate the conversation, they will never mention your weight again.

My parents are just the same and I find it so toxic.

I had a mental breakdown a few years ago and my parents came to visit me in the hospital when I was really unwell. I was under weight at the time and they commented how good I looked. They then visited me about a year and a half later (they live in a different country to me) I was doing much better and had gained a lot of weight due to eating properly and psychiatric medication. They were concerned with how much weight I'd put on. I told them it was the medication and they asked if I could get the medication changed! No interest in how much the meds had helped me just a focus on it making me gain weight. I mean, it says it all