To not want in laws staying before and after I give birth?

[beholdthecreation]

I'm due to give birth early October. I've had hyperemesis with this pregnancy, been hospitalised and very unwell.
In laws are wanting to come over from Cyprus in august and stay with us. I haven't had any vaccines, and they'll be sleeping on our living room floor on an air bed - what was spare room is now nursery. I'm just dreading it with how I'm feeling and the fact I'll have to play hostess when I'm 4-5 weeks off giving birth.
They also plan on coming over as soon as baby is born, and again at Christmas!
AIBU to be dreading this? Or suggesting they go to BIL and DH visits them there instead for at least one of the stays??

@Musthavesbackagain

Sorry I know this is hard to hear. But just don't marry him. This refusal to back you up when it comes to his parents, it won't get any better. In fact, it'll get worse and worse especially when children come along. The resentment will build on all sides, and it's just not a workable long term situation. Just walk away now, trust me.

totally agree 🌺

Why on earth are you planning to marry him? His parents are one problem but he's the biggest problem. If he cannot respect your wishes and stand up for you then he is not the man for you. Do not marry him. Do not lift a finger for his parents visit. If your partner is so insistent they stay then he can clean, shop for food and cook for them. You should go to your mums during the day and come back for bedtime so that they don't get to sleep in your bed. There's no way in hell I'd have them stay after the baby is born. If they do come over you should take yourself and baby off to your mums for the duration of their stay and to hell if they sleep in your bed - leave it unmade with stinking nappies under it!

"DH always sides with them and never with me."

And there's your REAL problem - him.

Reconsider if this is how you want to live your life, playing second-fiddle to his family. It won't get any better - it'll just get worse.

Don't marry him. And when your child is born, give them your surname not his.

Mumsnet appears to be populated by partners who are tied to their parents apron strings and scared shitless to stand up for their wives.

You dont have to do this.
Even if they don't listen to you, make it very very clear to DP and his family that you are having a difficult pregnancy and they cannot stay at your house because it will be detrimental to your health and make it clear what will happen if they ignore you.
Otherwise this is a battle you will be fighting for years.

Would they be able to travel due to COVID? Have you and DH had jabs? Have PIL had jabs? I think this may be your get out clause. Irrespective of this that can’t turn up pre and post birth unless they are willing to wait on you hand and foot - from what you’ve said I don’t think this applies. I hope you sort something out because they and your husband are being totally unreasonable. Sending hugs x

Oh blimey I assumed this was a cultural difference Cypriot family different dynamics situation which would be much more difficult to manage, they're from Bristol?! Tell 'em to sling their 'ook and get an AirBnB and 'D'P to cut the apron strings pronto!

Tell them NO.

When I was pregnant at that stage all I wanted was to lay naked (except for a thong) on the sofa eating chocolate. Not sure if all pregnant women enjoy this but at least the possibility to do this should be there!

Also no to staying after the baby is born.
The mum (to be)’ s comfort trumps everything else.

You can advise that since your pregnant it is considered high risk and should be shielding. Your unable to get the vaccination until baby is here. You shouldn’t be playing host to anyone, and they are supposed to isolate in one of those hotels I think for a minimum of 14 days. You are unsure how you will feel after the birth as birth has various complications and should look at visitation after baby is here

The time to grow a backbone is right fucking now. You are not just a silent observer in all this.

What aquamarine said. You'll be a parent soon, better start standing up for yourself sharpish.

I don't think any new parents,, or soon to be parents, would wan't people milling around close by, at this special time. I don't know why people don't realise this.

I am another woman who married a man with terrible in laws. It was part of the reason for our divorce. Don't marry him, it'll get 100 times worse.

Go to your mum's.

And remember that no man who treats his partner as second to his family ever gets married and suddenly places his partner as equal to him and above his family. Once she becomes the "wife" she is even lower than partner status because he knows she can't leave quite as easily.

You're carrying his child and he's not listening to you. It's not going to change.

Leave him or don't, but at least stay in the relationship with your eyes wide open: you can't complain that he treats you as second best if he treats you like this and you agree to spend the rest of your life with him. And in fact, it's bottom-best, not second best. He also comes before you, and with kids they'll come first too, so you're at the bottom of any priority list - always and forever with him. And you don't deserve that. And he's not changed this even knowing it upsets you.

But whatever you do about him, if you stay then just go to your mum's every time they come. They'll sleep in your bed, yes, but at least you won't be around them! Small price to pay!

Why should you care about hurting their feelings, when they give no shits about yours?
You say no. They're offended. So what? That's their problem. Maybe they won't come at all afterwards which would be great!

Don’t marry a man who won’t make you his priority over his parents

Tell him if they come then you’re going to your mums and not coming back

You need to grow up and define your boundaries. It is not easy. The people who already do this have struggled with it. So why the heck cant you do the same. Just freaking say it....believe it....stick by it.

Yanbu.

Why doesn't your DH side with you? How do these conversations go?

If you're not married I wouldn't be going ahead with the wedding tbh. This won't change miraculously when DP becomes DH and these people become your ILs. Your opinion is not relevant to them.

I'm sorry OP, it sucks. If he won't stand up for you with this, see it as a sign of things to come and consider if you can tolerate this long term.

I'm like a broken record on this, but if you're not married, give the baby your surname @beholdthecreation and definitely go to your mum's

After my baby was born, I sometimes took him into the living room in the night when he woke up. I dont think I'd have found it easy to not have access to my living room at all hours.

Put a stop to that RIGHT NOW. My cousin did this and ended up collapsing and being taken back to hospital. It is not acceptable to dump yourself on a new mother. Just say no.

Serious DH problem here OP. None of this is normal