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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want in laws staying before and after I give birth?

115 replies

beholdthecreation · 15/06/2021 21:46

I'm due to give birth early October. I've had hyperemesis with this pregnancy, been hospitalised and very unwell.
In laws are wanting to come over from Cyprus in august and stay with us. I haven't had any vaccines, and they'll be sleeping on our living room floor on an air bed - what was spare room is now nursery. I'm just dreading it with how I'm feeling and the fact I'll have to play hostess when I'm 4-5 weeks off giving birth.
They also plan on coming over as soon as baby is born, and again at Christmas!
AIBU to be dreading this? Or suggesting they go to BIL and DH visits them there instead for at least one of the stays??

OP posts:
HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 15/06/2021 22:04

Go to your mums and stay there forever.

You have a DH problem and it won't improve with kids.

SunshineDad2021 · 15/06/2021 22:05

Your husband needs to tell them no and support you, even if they are not happy.
I've just had to tell my Mother she cannot quarantine in our house for 10 days, and even without covid we would prefer her to stay in different accommodation and not in our house (we've just had our baby).
Covid was a blessing for keeping them away... we are now in the bad books but tough sh*t. Completely unreasonable and inconsiderate.
No to the post partum visit 100%. Aug visit they need to stay elsewhere.
Good luck

Confusedaboutlots · 15/06/2021 22:09

Not sure if you already have had a child - but if not honestly you will regret it if they come over.

I was in such shock and so tired after my birth and dealing with a newborn that having to deal with in-laws would have pushed me over the edge.

your DH will say they will just help - but in reality you won’t be comfortable trying to nurse etc and they will get in the way - and you will probably want to cater for them too.

Honestly ask them to stay somewhere else but they can visit when you are ready. that way they leave in the evening and you can sleep and rest without needing to socialise with them

osbertthesyrianhamster · 15/06/2021 22:09

So he's not technically a DH? That's a good thing. I'd not be marrying him now and I'd not be living with him anymore, either. He'll never change, he doesn't support you, he makes you feel like shit for not putting them first, there's nothing to salvage here.

Confusedaboutlots · 15/06/2021 22:09

(and you can always use covid as a reason/excuse anyway)

bloodyhell19 · 15/06/2021 22:15

Nope, YANBU. I'm a week away from giving birth and if anyone tried to invite themselves into my home for me to play hostess in the last 2 months I would have shoved my pointiest shoe where the sun don't shine. Likewise if my DH even thought about inviting anyone. I also had HG in my pregnancy so you have my sympathies OP. Just refuse & put your foot down and if your partner won't see sense, decamp to your DParents. You lay down the law now, not after kids. If they're that fussed, they can go to BILs. Fuck. That.

cadburyegg · 15/06/2021 22:15

YANBU

But you have a DH problem rather than an in law problem

Redjumper1 · 15/06/2021 22:23

You have a massive DH problem. Basically his parents come first and you will always be expected to adapt. Are they from cyprus? Southern Europeans and Eastern Europeans have a different way of behaving. The wider family is family and so they probably feel they can come stay whenever they want.

LittleOwl153 · 15/06/2021 22:24

Nope. Definatley wouldn't be putting up with this. Time to tell him if they come you will leave - permanently as clearly he thinks nothing of you.

Original poster
beholdthecreation · 15/06/2021 22:24

Nope they're ex pats from Bristol!

OP posts:
Redjumper1 · 15/06/2021 22:26

Well then you can't even blame cultural differences. Just plain old selfishness and lack of empathy.

Blossomtoes · 15/06/2021 22:28

@beholdthecreation

I can say no but he won't and they won't listen to me - all I can do is go to my mums but then I know they'll be sleeping in our bed AngrySad
Does it matter if they sleep in your bed as long as you’re not on the floor? Just bugger off and leave them to it.
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/06/2021 22:31

Bloody hell. Please say you’re not going to marry him. No, no to every single fucking thing about this entire shit show.

Caradogthemouse · 15/06/2021 22:32

Have you told your OH how you feel?? What does he say?? I don’t understand hoe he is managing not to realise / accept that this is all sorts of unfair on you?

Lsquiggles · 15/06/2021 22:37

Just say no! "Sorry, that doesn't work for us." then maybe compromise and see them at Christmas

romdowa · 15/06/2021 22:46

If your dp refuses to put you first and tell them no. I'd he telling him I'll be going to my mother's and not coming back even after his parents have gone. Your dp sounds like an asshole

GreyEyedWitch · 15/06/2021 22:58

What @romdowa said.

nina3638 · 15/06/2021 22:59

go to your mums. yes they might sleep in your bed but that’s a much better option than having them intrude on your last few weeks of pregnancy and time with your newborn.

partyatthepalace · 15/06/2021 22:59

@Howshouldibehave

DH always sides with them and never with me

That’s your biggest problem!

This.

Long term, I dunno how you solve that one. But right now - you are a pregnant lady and will be a new mother which means you
Get the house to yourself. Tell DH to convey this, making it clear you will totally loose your shit if he doesn’t.

BreakingtheIce · 15/06/2021 23:03

I’d be calling off any wedding. I would then go and stay at your Mums when they are over and leave your OH to cater to their needs and sleep on an air bed. It will only get worse when the baby arrives.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 15/06/2021 23:06

you know the answer

RampantIvy · 15/06/2021 23:16

Basically what everyone else has said.

  1. Don't marry anyone who puts his parents before you
  2. Tell your DP his parents can stay in an air bnb, and they are not staying with you
  3. Decamp to your parents if he insists on having his parents there
LittleOwl153 · 15/06/2021 23:24

How far away are your parents/ family? I'd consider moving permanently as he clearly doesn't care about you, your feelings ,your health and wellbeing. This is not going to change when baby arrives. Except then you will be trapped!

Musthavesbackagain · 15/06/2021 23:28

Sorry I know this is hard to hear. But just don't marry him. This refusal to back you up when it comes to his parents, it won't get any better. In fact, it'll get worse and worse especially when children come along. The resentment will build on all sides, and it's just not a workable long term situation. Just walk away now, trust me.

stackemhigh · 15/06/2021 23:34

What would happen if you told DH they cannot and will not he staying?