Feeling jealous and generally grumpy when i hear or see how much help other parents get

[LiJo2015]

I need grounding and perspective and i know mn wont fail me!

I am estranged from my family and cannot rely on my husbands family for help with childcare.

Met up with another mama today who explained how she had childcare provided from her and her partners side and i cant deny i felt jealous. This issue of course far exceeds the childcare aspect and i generally just miss having any form of parental support myself.

So aibu? Am i being a whinging minnie or is it understandable?

No you're not being unreasonable. Being a parent is hard work and it's even harder when you're carrying the load all by yourself. As someone who is also estranged from my family I recommend building yourself a new family with friends instead. I'm a firm believer in the saying that friends are the family you choose for yourself.

YANBU to wish you had help or to feel sad /sorry you don't. Completely understandable and I'm in the same boat.

YABU to be jealous of others though. It's a very negative emotion that will only bring you down and possibly ruin any budding friendships.

Try and be proud that you're managing anyways. Despite the lack of help and support, you are doing it somehow,no matter how hard it is.

You're not being unreasonable but I don't think many of these arrangements are 100% free. Perhaps it is because of the nature of my own family relationships but I suspect you would be morally in debt for the rest of eternity and in a vague uncountable way which means you can never really repay it! But maybe those people have family that don't behave like that either

YANBU except in our case we have grandparents a 30 second walk away who just won't do any childcare because they don't want to.

Have you watched Motherland incidentally OP because if not I imagine you'll relate to a fair bit of it

YANBU. I feel the same, it's really hard to see how much help my friends all get from their families whilst I get none.

I’m no contact with my family and my husbands it was jist his dad and well he’d not have been great.

I don’t really understand it to be honest,I always just considered my child my responsibility, but I see lots of posts from women expressing the same as you.

Be proud that you're doing it without help. I don't have help from anyone because I'm the type of person that wants to do everything for myself and I'm super proud of coping on my own.

YANBU. Growing up I had the most wonderful grandparents who lived close and I saw them all the time so I think I had hoped my children would have loving grandparents. Unfortunately neither of their grandparents have shown any interest, even before covid we never saw them.

I’m now a single parent and my ex never has them and sometimes I’d love to have a night away. I know jealousy is negative but it’s hard not to be jealous of my friends who have got helpful parents.

My mum and mil are so overly involved, it's a double edged sword!

YANBU. It's a slog. My DP and I haven't had a night together alone in 3 years. The one and only time we asked his DM she turned up super late asking was she supposed to be babysitting, as she hadn't remembered. We gave up after that. My family live too far away.

So no advice but huge sympathies!

No it's understandable. I feel jealous of friends who have parents to provide practical and emotional support with their grandkids, because it's something that I won't have.

It's understandable, I guess, but a pointless waste of your time and emotional energy. It is what it is. We have never had help from family at all as mine are abroad and DH's are in poor health. Such is life.

I'm with you OP - it's really hard to do it all on your own and it's hard to hear about all the help people get. I've actually fallen out with a very good friend who refused to understand that I had noone to leave my 18 month old with to attend her child free wedding.

Quite understandable. We had acquaintances who moaned about how little help they had - both sets of grandparents and siblings had their kids several days a week. We literally had nothing. I found that more than a little galling to sit through.

Aw op i really feel for you! At least you get to make the decisions on your own and get things done your way! Too many cooks and all that! 😉

I agree, its v difficult when you haven't got help, you really do deserve a bit of a break so make some mutually supportive friends quick so you can help, have fun & moan to each other if you need to!

At least you haven't got our situation where grandparents made a point of keeping distant and doing very sparse childcare for our lovely kids but now bils kid has come along they all live together and are like second parents! 🤷🏻‍♀️x

I feel this too!! For many reasons DM does not have my younger children (a whole other thread of narc shittery). My exh has spent 6 years spending as little time as possible with his DCs and my amazing brother has no DCs so doesn't realise sometimes I need help unless I ask (then find he is away on holiday, out with friends, generally living his best life). I get very very jealous of those people whos exh does the EOW arrangement and have parents on the school run. To nit have to.qorry about who is going to help woth the DCs, to have that freedom of choice must be very liberating!

You're not being unreasonable at all

YANBU. My DC have one remaining GP who is quite elderly and I wouldnt ask to have them. The others have all died. My DM died when my youngest was 1.
I have to say I am quite envious but I know my DM would have helped if she was around, so I try not to be resentful of it.
I think what I find a bit frustrating is that a lot of people dont seem to acknowledge the help they get.I went out one eve with one friend whose parents live about 5 min away. I said it must be nice to have them handy for babysitting and she said she hardly ever used them for babysitting. But I know that they help ferry her DC around all week because they all do so many activities she hasnt got time to take them all separately. Of course they enjoy doing it and its nice for the DC but the friend seemed almost a bit oblivious, and taking for granted that they are so involved (in a nice way)

@FatCatThinCat

I do have some close friends, but for me, it can never substitute especilly when it comes to the childcare aspect.

@ObviousNameChage

You are absolutely right about the jealousy bit and is something i need to work on

@JewelGarden

Ill have a look at motherland - thabks for the recommendation

Lone parent here, with very little family support. YANBU at all. It's tough I really feel that, ideally, it takes a village to raise a child. Be proud of all you do for you dc. They don't stay small forever, try to remember that on the hard days! Easier said than done, I know .

@Overthebow

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@stealthninjamum

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Of course not. I'm always surprised at the 'well your parents have no obligation to help out' brigade. Well, quite. But what parent wouldn't, if they were in a position to..? My parents helped me, because they could. I'll help my kids, if I can. It's quite a normal thing. They're both gone now but I'm lucky to have had them and so are my kids.