Feeling jealous and generally grumpy when i hear or see how much help other parents get

[LiJo2015]

I need grounding and perspective and i know mn wont fail me!

I am estranged from my family and cannot rely on my husbands family for help with childcare.

Met up with another mama today who explained how she had childcare provided from her and her partners side and i cant deny i felt jealous. This issue of course far exceeds the childcare aspect and i generally just miss having any form of parental support myself.

So aibu? Am i being a whinging minnie or is it understandable?

Also I forgot to say that we had zero help from our parents with our own children. This was due to our parents difficulties and again, not anyone's fault.

We did this.
At the end at least you can say you did it with no help (and maybe feel a bit smug yourself!) It is going to be tough in the middle of it all of course.
Good luck op. Embrace your independence.

I hear you OP. My in laws are too elderly to help and my parents live too far away.

It's very hard and I have friends who take it for granted definitely

@Handsnotwands i thinks its also worth adding the choice you have had i feel is what should happen and is a choice i would like to give my kids when the time comes

@knittingaddict

🌷

How lucky is your daughter to have you. Its this investment from you in her and her kids i would love tbh.

I remember having my second baby at the same point that my next door neighbour has her first. My DC's GPs lived hours away so I didn't get any help. One morning when I was wrangling a one week old and a 21 month old, I heard someone knock at my neighbour's front door (less than a metre from my living room window) and saw her mum standing there with a huge pile of freshly washed and ironed laundry in her arms. I was SO envious.

I'm in same position as you op. Family all too far away to help and event when one set was closer the interest want there because my sister had drained them if all good will about 7 years ahead of me. She had demanded our parents supply lots of support and help (multiple times a week), if it wasn't forthcoming they didn't love their gc's etc... By the time mine came along they'd had enough! Didn't blame them tbh but I would never have assumed any level of support. Good job really as there was none. Its been just me and DH ever since, I used to get insanely jealous of people who relied routinely on wider help, often having date nights courtesy of the gp's etc. One family's gp's lived directly opposite my child school and every day, and every morning all the grandchildren would be dropped off early, parents would trot off to work, then at the end of the day all the grandchildren (6 of them) would be collected and have free after school care with the gp's until the parents collected, all that support and the children got to spend loads of time playing with their cousins, while my Dc have no family to speak of. I wasn't proud to be very jealous.
But recently it has stopped. I'm not sure why, I'm glad as it was doing me no good at all. I think I just slowly realised that I had other things to be grateful for and that most families have something to envy in another so it's all swings and roundabouts in the end.
I am proud my kids are well cared for and it's all me and DH.

It's understandable. I get the same sometimes. My daughter's father left when I was pregnant, he's never seen her (we were together years and daughter was planned, until he changed his mind) and my family are in another country. So it's just me and until she was 2 I had 45 minutes to myself for a haircut once! Now she's in nursery a few hours a week it's better but I still get fed up at times.

Terrible auto corrects sorry

My DM died when my DC were very little and for a long time my heart ached when I saw a child run up to their grandma and give them a hug, or see a young mum out for coffee, or shopping with her mum....because I wanted that too.

I know a lot on MN would tell me to get a grip or just get on with it but I feel sad for my DC that they wont have that relationship (my Ddad slightly lost interest after DM died) and IL told me the novelty had worn off because they'd got lots of other GC

When my DM or IL showed pride in their GC I feel that's sort of affirmation I'm doing ok as a parent. Its really silly and as I've got older and I've had longer without my DM (Ddad and MIL have also died) I do have more confidence in myself but I still miss it.

@vampirethriller

It's understandable. I get the same sometimes. My daughter's father left when I was pregnant, he's never seen her (we were together years and daughter was planned, until he changed his mind) and my family are in another country. So it's just me and until she was 2 I had 45 minutes to myself for a haircut once! Now she's in nursery a few hours a week it's better but I still get fed up at times.

Omg! You're coping with that! Hats off to you, through the kids if your relationship as well 🥺😯 your daughter is one lucky lady to have you! I hope things continue to improve for you both.

@RealisticSketch thank you, that's very kind of you to say

Be careful what you wish for. I know someone whose mother provides all their childcare and saves them £££££. She even moved house to do it. It’s abundantly obvious to everyone but them that she’s setting herself up nicely to ensure she’s looked after in a couple of decades time.

And there we go. Couldn't just be doing it because they are loving parents and grandparents.

Most elderly people don't want their children to care for them. They don't like the indignity of being washed, dressed fed or whatever by their kids. What most of them want is to be cared about not for. But apparently for an awful lot of people on here normally that seems to be an alien concept. Parents are not welcome unless they are providing free childcare at the same level as very expensive nurseries, following exacting demands. Any deviation results in nc/lc. Outside of free childcare, they are only allowed to visit or receive a visit at the convenience of their offspring, never their own. They must never make any suggestions regarding their DGC because of course that is interfering. And they must never buy any thing, for DGC without express permission and it must not be made of plastic, too big too small or be 50p less than anything any other sets of DGC get.

I understand completely. I spend £1200 a month on full time nursery for my one year old. I’m in a senior leadership role but effectively earn less than the people in my department I line manage who have grandparent support on both sides. Sadly, my parents are abroad and DMiL has health issues that mean it’s just not possible for them. I totally understand why women don’t go back to work/move to part time hours because it’s just prohibitively expensive, without family support you really have to be a high earner to make work “worth it”. It’s really hard not to be resentful even though it’s nobody’s fault (except perhaps the government for not doing more to subsidise childcare).

Yanbu but try to think of it from another angle.

I dont get any regular childcare help from family. But actually for everyone I know who does, it's something that is actually frought with issues and is something they only accept because they financially gave no choice. "Free" childcare often has many strings attached and can lead to a lot of rows, grandparents who prove unreliable and expect to jet off for regular holidays leaving working parents high and dry, disagreements over what children are fed, whether routines are adhered to, children left to cry, impractical situations where parents drive an hour each way at unsociable hours to drop off & collect children from family etc.

Also my parents worked hard for years and years and raised my siblings and I. To provide meaningful childcare for me would mean committing a week day every single week, 46 weeks a year, it would be hugely restricting for them and honestly, I don't really want to have to ask that of them, especially as I dont desperately need them to, financially.

Couldn't just be doing it because they are loving parents and grandparents

In this case, no.

@GivenchyDahhling

Youve hit the nail on the head with this one. Ive seen it often (like today) where people have been able to continue careers owing to free childcare. I know this formed part of the reason medicine became so difficult because something had to give - and in my situation it was medicine. I know its completely umfair to be angry with other people who i see have been able to go back to work witgout the emotional or financial strain of putting their kids in a nursery, but i just find it so unfair. Life is horrible like that - or as gump
Would say life is like a box of chocolates - you never know what youre goimg to get. My daughter is 10 months old, and with lockdown, its been hard, really hard. Then throw in all the other emotional baggage, past and present, today just really got to me. I came home and just sobbed. I domt know the lady who prompted this post and she's probably really nice and of course undoubtedly has her own issues, but seeing her there, just having the option, i felt angry at her - this of course is completely ridiculous because whne my daughter is her age i would hope i would do exactly the same.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I know you make a valid point. But god i wish i had these dilemmas versus a dead mum and a dad that couldnt give a shit.

Sorry OP, hadn't rtft and missed that your mum died so young. I definitely think theres a huge amount here that is about grieving for a much bigger loss than childcare. take it easy.

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Be careful what you wish for. I know someone whose mother provides all their childcare and saves them £££££. She even moved house to do it. It’s abundantly obvious to everyone but them that she’s setting herself up nicely to ensure she’s looked after in a couple of decades time.

And there we go. Couldn't just be doing it because they are loving parents and grandparents.

Most elderly people don't want their children to care for them. They don't like the indignity of being washed, dressed fed or whatever by their kids. What most of them want is to be cared about not for. But apparently for an awful lot of people on here normally that seems to be an alien concept. Parents are not welcome unless they are providing free childcare at the same level as very expensive nurseries, following exacting demands. Any deviation results in nc/lc. Outside of free childcare, they are only allowed to visit or receive a visit at the convenience of their offspring, never their own. They must never make any suggestions regarding their DGC because of course that is interfering. And they must never buy any thing, for DGC without express permission and it must not be made of plastic, too big too small or be 50p less than anything any other sets of DGC get.

applauds

I was quite confident about being a GM, but MN has put the fear of God into me. I now constantly overthink my role and worry about doing/saying the wrong thing. I'm forever checking with my daughter that she's okay with what I'm doing/how much I'm doing/how I'm doing it and most of the time she looks at me as though I'm mad to even ask. Fortunately, she's really easygoing and wouldn't fit in on MN at all

You are not unreasonable.

I have a sibling who has several children. My children sit age wise in the middle of hers.

My sibling and her dh have professional jobs, my parents looked after my siblings older children, but could not look after mine. (I ended up looking after her younger children as my parents were past it by then).

I had no one to help look after mine. Because of my line of work it was not possible to work and afford childcare and I struggled for years to earn a bit here in low paid casual jobs and to fit around nursery and school times.

My now exh refused to do any childcare from day one. And he forbade me to apply for certain normal jobs but wanted me to work. 🤷‍♀️

His family lived mostly too far away. The ones that didnt never agreed to help babysit when asked. Probably because one of my dc has SN.

So totally understand where you are coming from.

What can be worse is not lack of help, it's pretend help.
The rare times my mother came to 'help' I nearly murdered her.
Once DH had to go to Singapore for 10 days so she came over.
Spent the whole time on her phone- actively told her 2 NT grandkids that she couldn't play with them because she was busy. Didn't take them anywhere, talk to them, ask about school etc.
I had to sort out all things kid- related while caring for disabled DC and when the kids were all in bed she would then expect dinner and chat.
At that point I would be so knackered all I wanted to do was watch mindless TV and not have to look at another person.
She left all proud of herself and my dad told everyone how helpful she had been.

ILs came to 'help' after 3rd child was born. I ended up cooking meals, was breastfeeding on demand so they would eat without me and leave me to clear up after them.
But for me the worst is ongoing lack of interest in disabled DC. My ILs act as if he doesn't even exist.

Yanbu OP
It’s normal to feel envious and sad knowing others have what you don’t when it comes to parenting. My parents don’t give a shit about me or my kid- have never offered any emotional, practical or financial support and couldn’t be less interested if they’d tried. They’ve never baby sat dc even once. Yes I have many blessings but it’s still hurtful to see other people who are loved and supported

@RoseMartha

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