Feeling jealous and generally grumpy when i hear or see how much help other parents get

[LiJo2015]

I need grounding and perspective and i know mn wont fail me!

I am estranged from my family and cannot rely on my husbands family for help with childcare.

Met up with another mama today who explained how she had childcare provided from her and her partners side and i cant deny i felt jealous. This issue of course far exceeds the childcare aspect and i generally just miss having any form of parental support myself.

So aibu? Am i being a whinging minnie or is it understandable?

Same here. In laws are a couple of minutes walk away and literally never help with the DC. Retired, in good health, no other commitments. Just can't be fucked. And fair enough that's up to them, but oh my god when I see my mate's MIL doing the school run, taking the kids for sleepovers at the weekend, picking up her washing my GOD am I jealous

@Brefugee

it's normal to feel like this. We live in a different country to all our families, and knew nobody.

But. But. When you start a family i am firmly of the belief you have to assume zero help, unless you pay for it, and anything else is a bonus.

It’s not about assuming or feeling entitled to help though. I think it’s really difficult to imagine how hard it will be without the moral and practical support of family until you have children. Even stupid things like when you all have norovirus at the same time and there’s no one to help while you are all simultaneously throwing up!

I knew we wouldn’t have any help, but I didn’t really understand how tough that would be, or how hard it would be to see friends having these wonderfully supportive relationships with family while you don’t have that. They are at such an advantage - they have breaks, time to themselves, time with their partners etc. It makes a massive difference to how you cope day to day, even if you knew that would be the case.

@thatllberight

I dont know about you, but i hate being jealous. For me though jealousy is a complex emotion. I think today it was spurred on a little as this particular mum came across as smug.

@SinkGirl

Completgly agree. I think its also about having someone invested in you and your kids. Who care.

We do get help from grandparents BUT we moved to their area, not somewhere I’d choose to have settled and have limited our careers by being rural and away from the hubs for our particular professions.

I also have to bite my tongue when they forget to give them lunch and so feed them jam sandwiches an hour before supper time and a myriad other small things of a similar nature that I accept are the price we pay. I do still consider us, and the kids, fortunate to have them and we appreciate what they do. but there has been a price paid.

You're right it's not a nice feeling to "sit with" is it? Whenever I catch myself feeling jealous of her/her support I try to just count my blessings... try being the operative word on some days!

Be careful what you wish for. I know someone whose mother provides all their childcare and saves them £££££. She even moved house to do it. It’s abundantly obvious to everyone but them that she’s setting herself up nicely to ensure she’s looked after in a couple of decades time.

@Handsnotwands

I know what i would prefer. I would love to have help.

I regularly look after grandchild, I am the only go around. It gives the couple time off, sometimes just to have a meal together or even be off duty in another room. I don’t get those who don’t want to do it or parents who see it as intrusive. We all benefit. I had no gp myself and used to envy friends who did .

@Mumsgirls

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Meant only grandparent

I get it OP. You only get one mum .

I get it. I feel as though I'm looking after everyone but no one is looking after me. I need someone in my corner, watching my back. It's shit.

I had a bit of support from my parents when my daughter's were born. Although it was always on their terms but it still helped a lot.
I had my son several years later and I miss that support but I understand they are older now and not as energetic and able as they once were. I do feel constantly exhausted rather than jealous.
My parents did a lot more for my sister, even though she had a lot more money for childcare than we did. Had my niece every day from 6 months and then before and after school every day. Now that really did hurt and I was jealous of that. Still my sister was always his favourite so.....
ILs are worse than useless although MIL happy to have SIL kids.
Maybe it's just something to do with us.

I feel you exactly

@LiJo2015 it sounds like you have a lot of complicated emotions due to your past and it's been raised due to you having your own family. I don't think jealousy is maybe what you're feeling but maybe deeper routed. Have you ever spoken to a professional about what you've been through? It might help to talk it out. I'm sorry you lost your mam and that you had a traumatic childhood, when we raise our own it can bring everything to the forefront. Even simple differences in parenting can become apparent, but if you've suffered abuse it's so much harder. It took me a long time to change my own narrative with some family members from they don't want to be involved, to, I don't want to be involved with them. It was freeing when it was my choice and I could put the restrictions on our relationship.

I get it.

My parents are thousands of miles away and in-laws are hundreds. The last time we asked MIL to watch our children she changed her mind minutes before we were supposed to go out despite us having asked her a month in advance. We were going to be less than 30 minutes away round trip and it was the first time we were going to go out with another couple without children. She watches BIL & SIL’s children every week. Never asked again after that and that was almost three years ago. We get on and are cordial but we’re never going to be close and that changed it for me in concern with our children. She made a comment about us living closer and how they would take our sons for the weekend and husband pointed out that she supposedly couldn’t watch them for a few hours so how could she take them for two days without us.

My husband wants to ask her again and I’m against it due to when they do visit us she and FIL complains to him about BIL and MIL about BIL & SIL and watching their children. I understand venting but if you’re going to vent, be mindful of who. If she’s talking to husband about his siblings’ spouses who says she wouldn’t do the same about me to her other children. She has said some comments in the past that I let go and have eyerolled internally, ones about her son watching his children by himself for a few hours with his other siblings (we don’t have childcare we don’t pay for so not exactly the first time) and how she knows what it’s like to do it on her own (her family is all less than 30 minutes away and husband has told me countless stories of being watched by other relatives).

I rather pay for the support we need than to deal with that dynamic. It’s not always greener on the other side.

I'm with you! I don't have any help from in laws or my own parents. My dad died when I was 14 and my mum who was amazing with my dd is in a care home with advanced dementia. My dd lost her grandpa on her dads side and her granny is also in a home. I get very envious of people with their parents still especially when they help out with childcare. The summer school holidays are a nightmare to juggle without any help!!

@CommanderBurnham

Yes yes yes!!! With bells on!!!

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@Rosebel

I hate when i read posts like this where parents have favourites which then psses on to the grandkids. Im so sorry, this sounds so hard.

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@Lilymossflower

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@CharlieChickenson

I thinks you're absolutely right. Jealousy is perhaps too simplistic?

[quote LiJo2015]@Handsnotwands

I know what i would prefer. I would love to have help.[/quote]
I know. We’re fortunate and we made choices to facilitate it. But I still get that we could make those choices

Can I give a little insight from the other side.

We are grandparents who do a lot of child care. I always said that I would happily babysit, but not to rely on me for child care. Then circumstances changed drastically and for the last 3 years we have been looking after our grandchildren very regularly. There are few options and we have to get on with it.

The upside is that we love our grandchildren very much, we are a stable foundation for them and we are much closer than we might otherwise have been.

The downside is that we are frequently exhausted, our lives aren't our own and I sometimes feel depressed and upset about it all. Of course there's joy in it, but also a bit of sadness.

It might look rosey from the outside looking in, but there are costs to having family looking after your children. I worry about how it creates tensions between our daughter and us. We aren't saints, just humans muddling through.

None of this is our daughter's fault, but I wouldn't want to sugar coat the reality.

@Handsnotwands 🌷

I think yes... its the choice also. You have options.