Feeling jealous and generally grumpy when i hear or see how much help other parents get

[LiJo2015]

I need grounding and perspective and i know mn wont fail me!

I am estranged from my family and cannot rely on my husbands family for help with childcare.

Met up with another mama today who explained how she had childcare provided from her and her partners side and i cant deny i felt jealous. This issue of course far exceeds the childcare aspect and i generally just miss having any form of parental support myself.

So aibu? Am i being a whinging minnie or is it understandable?

@idontlikealdi

I 'think' i would prefer this.

@UnsolicitedDickPic

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@Hobnobsandbroomstick

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Are you jealous about the financial help family providing childcare provides or the moral
Support close family can provide?

@Marksmum

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I don't get jealous I'd love a break however I'm a glass half full person, there is always someone doing a tougher jobs with less support. thankfully both parents muck in here.

I know the feeling, you are far from alone. I would have felt pangs of jealousy about it too.
My DP are both dead and my in laws don't really have any interest in looking after my DC, I see it as their loss.
When my DC were younger, I would have loved the support and advice. As they have gotten older, I rarely think about it now

We can’t all be as capable and independent as you Bluntness
Sometimes we want to offload the kids out the window and it would be just tremendous if there were keen GPs just gagging to catch them and take them away for a weekend to have their houses wrecked instead.

Actually, I’m just in a funny mood. Tired I think from work. I only have one kid, he’s a really easy baby, we have a nanny and the grandparents are all just desperate to have him to stay.

But I sort of understand envying someone with a really reliable and keen childcare network.

You're doing great OP. While it must be exhausting if you don't have support, it's understandable to feel envious. But you're doing a great job - try and carve out some "you" time - if it means partner taking over so you get solo time so be it. Parenting without support is undeniably hard and YANBU

@ivfgottwins

Well personally I'm a bit jealous of both, but more of the moral support, money can't replace that. Help with childcare doesn't just have financial benefits though, I have friends whose parents look after their kids so they can go to the gym, catch up on housework, diy or general life admin, go out with their friends, or even on child free holidays. And their kids love spending time with their grandparents. I'm not bitter about it, but I am a bit jealous of it in private. I'm human and can have negative emotions without feeling guilty about it.

Comparison is the thief of joy, OP! Cliche but true.
Instead of comparing up, try comparing down. You are in a much better position than homeless refugee war widows with children in insanitary camps, for example. Or battered wives trapped with abusive partners and cut off from families. Etc.
I was widowed with 2 babies and had no relatives within 250 miles. I was nc with my abusive parents, and my lovely PILs worked full time, so couldn’t help out.
But I got through it on my own and the DDs are now in their 30’s and doing fine. We all get there in the end, OP.

And yet time and time again we see on MN comments such as do you want a relationship with your grandchildren then do what you are fucking told. Or my MIL gave my 2 year old a chocolate button. How dare she go LC/ NC with her.

I understand how you feel because I'm in the same situation. It does get easier as the kids get older (I'm about to be done with the primary school years) but I can remember the feelings of jealousy.

I don’t understand jealousy tbh. Yes my mum helps me but I’m a single parent and I don’t get jealous of people who have DHs to share the load 50/50. Everyone has different struggles. Comparison is the thief of joy

@cadburyegg

I don’t understand jealousy tbh. Yes my mum helps me but I’m a single parent and I don’t get jealous of people who have DHs to share the load 50/50. Everyone has different struggles. Comparison is the thief of joy

Perhaps the single parent with no Mum to help would be really rather jealous of you?

I wasn’t aware it was a race to the bottom. Everyone has different struggles, as I said

Thanks @LiJo2015 I was moany in my post but generally we’re happy, I do lots of stuff with my kids and think there have a nice life, it would just be nice if dc met their grandparents more than once a year.

I do know the feeling. I only have one baby.
My parents are dead and DH’s parents manage polite interest at best - they’re older though and I don’t think DD being born in lockdown helped.

I do have family around eg my sister, but not in a childcare sense - she works and has plenty of her own grandchildren (she’s 19 years older than me!) to run round after.

I always knew it would be like this and didn’t expect to feel envious of others but I have found it’s hit me a bit. I feel sad for DD mostly and even a bit guilty for having her and not being able to furnish her with the adoring grandparents she deserves.

I’m with you. when friends complain that they’ve “only” had one weekend away without children that year, or their mum can’t have their kids when they wanted to go out one evening, I have worked very very hard to swallow the words forming in my mouth and replace with a sympathetic nod.

I can be independent and look after myself, but even the emotional interest would be wonderful.

But then I see the obligations so many complain about on mumsnet, and the friends who spend most of each weekend visiting grandparents, and guess things could be worse.

You can have my inlaws if you like?

YANBU. I was driving through town one evening last week and saw two of the mums from school out jogging. They were talking and laughing and I instantly felt exactly as you describe.

Well you asked. Comparison is the thief of joy etc. There's always someone else doing better than you are.

We dont have family support. It's not worth feeling upset others do. It's like you have dh, what about single mothers? Should they feel bad for being alone?

May as well be grateful for what you've got.

It is hard when others get so much.
It's life though. A few friends of mine have had thousands in inheritance, Dh and I have had nothing, or any help with the children in the past.
It's how the cookie crumbles though. I count my other blessings , which are plentiful.
I understand how you feel, but sometimes the grass isn't always greener too.

I find it sad.
I have 3 kids, one of whom is severely disabled.
None of our family members have ever suggested any help ever- last time my husband and I got a weekend away was over 10 years ago.
We get the odd babysitter for a couple of hours but have to stay local in case our DC has a medical emergency.
I would love for any of them to even ask how we cope in our daily life.

I live 200+ miles from my family and DH’s are the other side of the world.

It’s really frigging hard, especially when my DSis gets two days free childcare per week.

It does make me laugh when I see a relative post about how she doesn’t get a break when her in laws have her baby every Friday & Sat night plus Sat day, and another friend has her mum stay over twice a week to do night shifts.

Can’t remember the last time I had more than 2.5 hours sleep, let alone a full night!