To be disgusted that in 2021, deadbeat dads get away with contributing so little in so many ways..

[extrasensitive]

Why is this?
My own situation could be seen as mild t many as the bar is so low .
Exh contributes approx 15% of his salary to the rearing of his children, sees them eow, fills them with junk, watches movies with them and does sfa else and there is not a thing I can do .
Refused to take them through covid restrictions / takes them for one weeks holiday time per year, collects late/ drops early and shrugs his shoulders when our kids refuse to go with him.
Why is this? Is it societal conditioning .
The bastard had an affair and took off . The fall out has been phenomenal for the kids , therapy/ psych care / anger issues and yet he does not give one single fuck ... or if he does he certainly does not involve himself in the care and therapy needed .

I don’t mean that for you..,, all women. Get married. Make sure he’s from a loving home. Define boundaries. Withhold first time sex. Make sure he is on the same page as you. Be honest about children. Don’t reproduce with men who clearly don’t want or can’t look after children.

This isn’t specific to you, it’s women in general.

I married him in the full belief that he would be an excellent father .
I could not have predicted what a lazy selfish man child I saddled myself with . He is no loss as a husband but he is still our children's father .
There will not be anymore deadbeats . Ever

YANBU

oh do fuck off Betty.
There is no way you can know how a man will parent before he is a parent.
Of course its the womans fault that her partner cheated and split and now is a fucking write off.
@extrasensitive its not your fault, obviously. All I can say is all this extra work will be worth it when your children are grown and realise that you are the one who cared enough to look after them properly. you will be rewarded by their gratitude later on.
at least you can sleep at night knowing you're a decent human being. your ex is a twat. could you imagine half arsing your children? no me neither.

I think it is largely to do with how society see men and women, but change is coming. A mere 8 years ago when I had my first I had no idea about the mental load or pay gap and unpaid work etc. now its mainstream. Its a long road.
Don't facilitate your ex if you are in any way, thats all I can say.

@BettyBurntBuns

I don’t mean that for you..,, all women. Get married. Make sure he’s from a loving home. Define boundaries. Withhold first time sex. Make sure he is on the same page as you. Be honest about children. Don’t reproduce with men who clearly don’t want or can’t look after children.

This isn’t specific to you, it’s women in general.

"From a loving home?" So people with abusive parents shouldn't have kids themselves?

I suspect this will be me soon as I threw mhim out for for cheating on the weekend. I'm terrified tbh.

Apparently even when men behave poorly, it's women's fault

You have to ask how has he become a dead beat? How long were you together before you decided to have children together? Did you get married first? Buy a family home? Both have successful careers? Those are most of the things that prevent a man becoming a dead beat and shows commitment, not dating someone for a few years, having children in rented accommodation in low paid jobs, it's more unlikely to work out long term in that situation from my experience and those around me.

@BettyBurntBuns Make sure he’s from a loving home

What a nasty thing to say. People who aren't bought up in loving homes can make excellent parents.

@BettyBurntBuns

Stop choosing dead beats.

And then there are others who want 50:50 and to do all the day to day “crap” and the mum fights to stop him 🤷‍♀️

You’re right btw OP. We (society) have been conditioned and condition each other to accept some seriously shit behaviour from fathers that we just don’t accept from mothers.

It's these kinds of situations that make me see my situation in a different was as my Ex contributes absolutely nothing and never has and my son is 11 now. He's failed with keeping up any kind of contact over the years as well despite me trying. I think its made it easier in a way for me at least to just get on with our life and have it happen how I see best. This isn't to say it hasn't had a huge negative impact on my son who went through a particularly bad time when he was around 6/7 because he just couldn't understand why his dad wasn't around. I've read somewhere though that involvement from both parents is always the best way to go for the children after separation. I suppose the kids enjoy the time they spend with him, how old are they?I'm sure as they grow older they'll see him for the dead-beat that he is and likely pull away from him on their own...

I am in the same boat, I don't know how my ex can even look at himself in the mirror.

He says he cares but his actions show otherwise.

He did come from a troubled background and grew up in care. In my experience I think this has severely affected him. He has always been able to cut off his emotions to protect himself. Not the case for all I'm sure, but in this case. I wonder how many others are similar.

all women. Get married. Make sure he’s from a loving home. Define boundaries. Withhold first time sex. Make sure he is on the same page as you. Be honest about children. Don’t reproduce with men who clearly don’t want or can’t look after children
On the one hand you are right this is what we need to do to make sure that we don't have children with men who are 'deadbeats'.
On the other hand it is more work for women to do, we are the ones who do the (vital but unpaid) work of growing new humans and on top of that we have to do the work of screening their fathers to find the good ones.

@BettyBurntBuns
View from your ivory tower must be lovely

@BettyBurntBuns

I don’t mean that for you..,, all women. Get married. Make sure he’s from a loving home. Define boundaries. Withhold first time sex. Make sure he is on the same page as you. Be honest about children. Don’t reproduce with men who clearly don’t want or can’t look after children.

This isn’t specific to you, it’s women in general.

I did all that.

He turned into a deadbeat after the first child was born. It’s very common.

Also. Victim blaming there. Nice @BettyBurntBuns

@extrasensitive I get you. My ex sought a CAO and then just does whatever he wants. Made me LOL with anger in lockdown when men were posting how evil women were keeping their children from them, whereas mine used the pandemic as an excuse not to bother despite CAO and courts reactions to them not bothering...nothing

This won’t go well, threads like this never do.

I have 4 children and my ex doesn’t see them or pay any maintenance but I usually get blamed for having them with him so it’s my fault 🤷‍♀️

Same here, loving posts on social media about how great they are, truth he doesn't know as he hasn't seen them for 2 years at his own request. Says they were disruptive to his new life. He's putting pressure on them now to see him and wandering why they are pushing back?!

I have a child who shouts . Cannot communicate without shouting and is nasty at times also. He is also so sensitive lovingand caring . His father shouts and again could not communicate without shouting . That is a nightmare trying to straighten that out.
Then we have a teenager who at seventeen wants nothing to do with him . He has rejected her over and over when she has reached out . He doesn't understand then why she refuses his offers of contact WHEN IT ONLY SUITS HIM .
Then a daughter with autism and severe anxiety who adores her dad . He adores her company as she asks for nothing and puts no demands on him .
We had a generally happy family as long as I, despite working full time also, cooked ,cleaned , managed the family and cared for the children exclusively . His job was TOO IMPORTANT. It also allowed him to be away from gone 14 hours Pr day. He refused to consider moving jobs to be nearer home or hear of me job sharing .
Yes he was always there for the fun times.. holidays/ nights out as long as they were organised for him and nobody poked the bear.
I tolerated so much shit for so long so I would t break the family and yet he fucked off with some woman from work .
What a fucking fool I was and yet here I am
Still picking
Up
The pieces with my
Own life in shit and not being a great mother and getting it wrong every day. I'm
Exhausted and broke . Bastard

Yeah Betty because most mums have the ability to see into the future. Some men are master manipulators and dupe women into thinking they are the best around, love bombing and promising them the earth but the minute they get women pregnant you can't see them for the dust cloud they have left running for the hills. How is that the women's fault? Being blindsided and having to dodge the question of why their dad doesn't like them breaks any deserted mothers heart. Not all are lucky like you to still have the dad around.

Yanbu. It’s an absolute disgrace that these hapless men are not held to account by society. And in many cases manage find new partners more than willing to accept their bullshit and excuse their behaviour while blaming the unreasonable ex.

Separations happen, but there is never an excuse for a parent not seeing or supporting (financially and emotionally) their dc. They are the lowest of the low.