To be disgusted that in 2021, deadbeat dads get away with contributing so little in so many ways..

[extrasensitive]

Why is this?
My own situation could be seen as mild t many as the bar is so low .
Exh contributes approx 15% of his salary to the rearing of his children, sees them eow, fills them with junk, watches movies with them and does sfa else and there is not a thing I can do .
Refused to take them through covid restrictions / takes them for one weeks holiday time per year, collects late/ drops early and shrugs his shoulders when our kids refuse to go with him.
Why is this? Is it societal conditioning .
The bastard had an affair and took off . The fall out has been phenomenal for the kids , therapy/ psych care / anger issues and yet he does not give one single fuck ... or if he does he certainly does not involve himself in the care and therapy needed .

Bore off Betty

This is why I believe that anyone in a relationship should ask themselves - before reproducing - if they could manage bringing up children on their own.

@extrasensitive

I have a child who shouts . Cannot communicate without shouting and is nasty at times also. He is also so sensitive lovingand caring . His father shouts and again could not communicate without shouting . That is a nightmare trying to straighten that out. Then we have a teenager who at seventeen wants nothing to do with him . He has rejected her over and over when she has reached out . He doesn't understand then why she refuses his offers of contact WHEN IT ONLY SUITS HIM . Then a daughter with autism and severe anxiety who adores her dad . He adores her company as she asks for nothing and puts no demands on him . We had a generally happy family as long as I, despite working full time also, cooked ,cleaned , managed the family and cared for the children exclusively . His job was TOO IMPORTANT. It also allowed him to be away from gone 14 hours Pr day. He refused to consider moving jobs to be nearer home or hear of me job sharing . Yes he was always there for the fun times.. holidays/ nights out as long as they were organised for him and nobody poked the bear. I tolerated so much shit for so long so I would t break the family and yet he fucked off with some woman from work . What a fucking fool I was and yet here I am Still picking Up The pieces with my Own life in shit and not being a great mother and getting it wrong every day. I'm Exhausted and broke . Bastard

My dad was a deadbeat dad, unlike you ours was far from happy, the best day of my life was when my dad walked out, my mother humiliated because the woman that was talking to her all nicely was the one my father was having an affair with. You need to get your shit together for the kids, and believe me he will get what is coming to him, you know the saying of careful how you met them as that's how you lose them? Believe me his time will come, they will split eventually, now the novelty of sneaking around is no longer the thrill. It's going to be hard but you need to get family to rally round and help you through a hard time. You are far stronger than you think

Betty is an uneducated twat.

The only way to deal with this situation is to let go of the anger if you possibly can, and live your best life away from the idiot.

Nope, it's not fair. But you will have peace ❤️

@BettyBurntBuns

I don’t mean that for you..,, all women. Get married. Make sure he’s from a loving home. Define boundaries. Withhold first time sex. Make sure he is on the same page as you. Be honest about children. Don’t reproduce with men who clearly don’t want or can’t look after children.

This isn’t specific to you, it’s women in general.

Hahahaha oh if only it was that simple. There would be no need for divorce lawyers, women’s refuges, Cafcass…

Why is it always on women to make the correct decisions? Why isn’t there ever helpful “advice” aimed that men? Advice like “don’t be a cunt” “only have children with someone if you’re going to stick around and financially support them” etc etc.

It’s not just men, it can be women too. A close family members wife decided to end the marriage as she needed to ‘find herself’. Within weeks, she had moved a new boyfriend into the home paid for by her husband. The children came 2nd to her needs and wants and still do. Said family member buys all uniform, clothing, activities etc and has the children 50% of the week and pays CSA amount as every time he questions it, she stops he seeing the children for a week or two. It works both ways, men can be self centred and shit parents, just as women can.

There’s nowhere near as many absent mothers as there is fathers Greysofa

Stop choosing dead beats.

Detest this misogynistic attitude. Everything is the woman’s fault, even the fact they didn’t choose a ‘decent’ enough partner to procreate with. There’s plenty of reasons why relationships break down, it’s just sad that so many men seem to cop out of parenting when the relationship ends.

Totally with you OP, it is bloody sad. If women did this at the same rate men do, everyone would be enraged but because it’s men it’s somehow acceptable. Even our PM does it, his adult children have nothing to do with him and he’s never met his 12 year old.

It works both ways, men can be self centred and shit parents, just as women can
The phrase 'it works both ways' suggest there are equal numbers of male and female deadbeat parents, this is not the case!
Yes women do desert their children, men do so in far higher numbers.

In regards of the dead beat dad comment, my dad was a very hands on dad, literally did everything for us until the day he left then never bothered with us. My mum was given £5 a week maintenance for 5 kids until she took his arse to court. He's still a dead beat, he doesn't bother with his GC either so its not always obvious that they're going to be dickheads imo

I'm a massive feminist but women do have to instigate societal change here. Two of my closest friends have had kids with men who fully demonstrated their inability to truly put others first, both fully believed the lie that somehow marriage and parenthood makes men change.

Sure, some men genuinely seem kind and considerate until the baby actually arrives. I get it. But loads of them already don't bother their arse around the house, and refer to their friends 'babysitting' their own kids.

'but I love him' isn't enough. If you have kids with these men then what you see will be what you get. This isn't blame, it's reality. Face reality.

@MegaClutterSlut

In regards of the dead beat dad comment, my dad was a very hands on dad, literally did everything for us until the day he left then never bothered with us. My mum was given £5 a week maintenance for 5 kids until she took his arse to court. He's still a dead beat, he doesn't bother with his GC either so its not always obvious that they're going to be dickheads imo

Whilst in the marriage he parents the children not because he cares about their well-being but because it's a way of keeping the wife sweet and making his life easier When he leaves his wife he no longer needs to keep her sweet therefore he no longer needs to attend to the children. The children are mere levers which he pulls in order to control and manipulate his wife

Yes@Egeegogxmv that makes sense . I'm
A dry today and it feels great to vent thanks

It’s an absolute disgrace that these hapless men are not held to account by society.

This basically - everything from money to time and always seeming to belive the mother has alienated the children or kept them from him rather than said man letting kids down time and time again then wonder why there not that bothered as they get older.

I do understand there a women out there like this - but I wonder if they are less in number because of the social expecations.

That should say angry .
What do I do with an eleven year old boy who is aggressive and shouty and dresses to see his dad. Selfishly I need my eow to sleep and organise and rest . I can't do this anymore

I do not know one
Mother in my personal or
Professional life ... and I've worked with children and their families for thirty years ... who has ever abandoned her children like this

@BettyBurntBuns

I don’t mean that for you..,, all women. Get married. Make sure he’s from a loving home. Define boundaries. Withhold first time sex. Make sure he is on the same page as you. Be honest about children. Don’t reproduce with men who clearly don’t want or can’t look after children.

This isn’t specific to you, it’s women in general.

Do fuck off. I did everything “by the book” according to you yet I’m still in a similar position to the OP.

YANBU OP. I’m massively struggling. My ex found a new gf 4 months after we separated and acts like I’m the one who is being unreasonable when I chase him for maintenance.

@PanamaPattie

This is why I believe that anyone in a relationship should ask themselves - before reproducing - if they could manage bringing up children on their own.

I do think that is a pertinent question.

I will encourage my children to think about that question in time

@jimmyjammy001

You have to ask how has he become a dead beat? How long were you together before you decided to have children together? Did you get married first? Buy a family home? Both have successful careers? Those are most of the things that prevent a man becoming a dead beat and shows commitment, not dating someone for a few years, having children in rented accommodation in low paid jobs, it's more unlikely to work out long term in that situation from my experience and those around me.

Maybe so, but it's a pretty classist outlook.

I can support my child alone, I'm pretty much sole breadwinner anyway. But I couldn't understand pre children the emotional cost which I do now.
I can do this mental and financially alone but the emotional element is hard and I'm worried about the impact his dad will have on him. Through not fault of mine or his.

@babybabybabybabymother

oh do fuck off Betty. There is no way you can know how a man will parent before he is a parent. Of course its the womans fault that her partner cheated and split and now is a fucking write off. *@extrasensitive* its not your fault, obviously. All I can say is all this extra work will be worth it when your children are grown and realise that you are the one who cared enough to look after them properly. you will be rewarded by their gratitude later on. at least you can sleep at night knowing you're a decent human being. your ex is a twat. could you imagine half arsing your children? no me neither.

I think it is largely to do with how society see men and women, but change is coming. A mere 8 years ago when I had my first I had no idea about the mental load or pay gap and unpaid work etc. now its mainstream. Its a long road.
Don't facilitate your ex if you are in any way, thats all I can say.

Nope, as I said not specific to the person, more a general thing about women, stop having babies when not in LTR/married and make sure the guy isn’t a dead beat.

But Betty how can you be sure?

BettyBurntBuns how about men stop being a dead beat?

@BettyBurntBuns I did all that.

He still turned deadbeat.

How’s that my fault and not the fault of the deadbeat dad ?

Your view is victim blaming.