To be disgusted that in 2021, deadbeat dads get away with contributing so little in so many ways..

[extrasensitive]

Why is this?
My own situation could be seen as mild t many as the bar is so low .
Exh contributes approx 15% of his salary to the rearing of his children, sees them eow, fills them with junk, watches movies with them and does sfa else and there is not a thing I can do .
Refused to take them through covid restrictions / takes them for one weeks holiday time per year, collects late/ drops early and shrugs his shoulders when our kids refuse to go with him.
Why is this? Is it societal conditioning .
The bastard had an affair and took off . The fall out has been phenomenal for the kids , therapy/ psych care / anger issues and yet he does not give one single fuck ... or if he does he certainly does not involve himself in the care and therapy needed .

As I've understood the literature around the subject, we improve our chances of providing a very different childhood for our own kids if we pair up with somebody who had a stable, reasonably happy upbringing and home life
I think this is true, however if you have had an unstable traumatising upbringing this tends to have impacted your personality such that stable people do not want to follow pair bonds with you. Birds of a feather flock together.... dysfunctional unstable people tend to attract dysfunctional unstable partners. People who are already damaged are a magnet for predators.

@NebbiaZanzare

So people with abusive parents shouldn't have kids themselves?

As I've understood the literature around the subject, we improve our chances of providing a very different childhood for our own kids if we pair up with somebody who had a stable, reasonably happy upbringing and home life..

My father was abusive. It has definitely left a lasting impact on me. But I am not the one who is disinterested in the children.

@BettyBurntBuns

I don’t mean that for you..,, all women. Get married. Make sure he’s from a loving home. Define boundaries. Withhold first time sex. Make sure he is on the same page as you. Be honest about children. Don’t reproduce with men who clearly don’t want or can’t look after children.

This isn’t specific to you, it’s women in general.

I agree with others, fuck off Betty.

If you were raised by a single parent then it increases your chances of becoming a single parent yourself, If both partners come from "broken" or unhappy homes then the chances of the cycle being repeated are even more likely.

So yeah, choosing an appropriate partner to have kids with is important. Or at the very least they should have had some therapy to deal with any issues from their childhood.

I think this is true, however if you have had an unstable traumatising upbringing this tends to have impacted your personality such that stable people do not want to follow pair bonds with you. Birds of a feather flock together.... dysfunctional unstable people tend to attract dysfunctional unstable partners. People who are already damaged are a magnet for predators.

Oh god yes, you'd have though I'd had "free victim on offer" branded into my forehead given the way predatory types made a bee line for me.

And my first marriage, it would have been the blind leading the blind had we had children together.

I hit paydirt with DH. Probably no bad thing we couldn't understand each other's language when we started out. If we'd been able to communicate properly he'd have been more equipped to sniff out all the damage I was lugging through life with me. And could well have run a mile.

Get married. Make sure he’s from a loving home. Define boundaries. Withhold first time sex. Make sure he is on the same page as you. Be honest about children. Don’t reproduce with men who clearly don’t want or can’t look after children

There are no guarentees.

I married. In my 30s. Had travelled the world and was financially independent. Ex was a great catch, ambitious, owned his own home, wanted children. Told me he would 'dig ditches' to support his family if it came to it.

None of it stopped him turning into someone I don't recognise when his head was turned by another woman. None of it has made him pay maintenance. None of it has made him involved in his children's lives.

@BettyBurntBuns

I don’t mean that for you..,, all women. Get married. Make sure he’s from a loving home. Define boundaries. Withhold first time sex. Make sure he is on the same page as you. Be honest about children. Don’t reproduce with men who clearly don’t want or can’t look after children.

This isn’t specific to you, it’s women in general.

Classic. Poster points out there's something wrong with MEN and the first response is to blame WOMEN. Nicely done. Let's be clear, nobody has a crystal ball and yes, sometimes people could make better partner choices, but that's not addressing the question as to why some men are such lousy fathers, is it?

You can tell women not to reproduce with men who don't want or are not able to be fathers, but this misses the point. Men are driven to form relationships with women out of a desire to have power over them, to have someone work for them and serve their needs, the more clever and capable the man the more strategic he will be about this.

As other pps, my ex and I were together a decade, married, had planned kids, both worked and earned similarly, both did the childcare. Then he met his 'soul mate' who blew smoke up his arse about how wonderful he was and that was it. He chose eow only, he chipped away at his initial good maintenance that actually covered 50% of expenses until now its cms only and bitching like fuck if he can't have all the arrangements just so.
To the pp who says 'what about nasty women who won't allow 50/50', I'm not sure why thats relevant? Start a thread about them by all means but why does pointing out that they sometimes exist (though far far more rarely in truth than many nrp dads might suggest) have anything to do with THIS thread? It doesn't make minimal input dads less of a problem to say that other problems exist too.

@Egeegogxmv

You can tell women not to reproduce with men who don't want or are not able to be fathers, but this misses the point. Men are driven to form relationships with women out of a desire to have power over them, to have someone work for them and serve their needs, the more clever and capable the man the more strategic he will be about this.

Lols.... obviously never meet simps.

And it’s not all men. Some men want to be the dominant partner and there is nothing wrong with that.

My ex has a family picture on his FB page with my son featured in it. The truth is that he hasn’t paid maintenance since 2012, rarely contacts DS and when he does make arrangements to see him, they’re often cancelled last minute. 80% of the time DS is the one to reach out and contact his dad first by text/call and usually gets ignored before his dad MIGHT call him back, which could be weeks later. However, this family picture makes my ex look like dad of the year 🤷‍♀️

I'm in a similar situation with my ds and his dad.
I take the view that I'd much rather ds was with me, engaged, eating home cooked food, cycling in the fresh air and being in bed before midnight, than being with his dad, playing 14 hours Minecraft in a day, eating endless burger king and going to bed in the wee small hours with dirty teeth.
It might leave me less time to myself but my primary role is to protect ds so I'll cope and happily so.

I take the view that I'd much rather ds was with me, engaged, eating home cooked food, cycling in the fresh air and being in bed before midnight
his father's strategy has paid off...
(in the short term)

But at least my ds will grow up clean,happy, healthy, well fed.

I found out that my ex is a complete arse when I was 6 months pregnant and he 'changed'. Becoming a father didn't improve matters, so it's no surprise.

I'd rather not force the issue. His father's influence won't do DS any good.