To be disgusted that in 2021, deadbeat dads get away with contributing so little in so many ways..

[extrasensitive]

Why is this?
My own situation could be seen as mild t many as the bar is so low .
Exh contributes approx 15% of his salary to the rearing of his children, sees them eow, fills them with junk, watches movies with them and does sfa else and there is not a thing I can do .
Refused to take them through covid restrictions / takes them for one weeks holiday time per year, collects late/ drops early and shrugs his shoulders when our kids refuse to go with him.
Why is this? Is it societal conditioning .
The bastard had an affair and took off . The fall out has been phenomenal for the kids , therapy/ psych care / anger issues and yet he does not give one single fuck ... or if he does he certainly does not involve himself in the care and therapy needed .

And then there are others who want 50:50 and to do all the day to day “crap” and the mum fights to stop him 🤷‍♀️

Depends if he was actually doing 50/50 from the start or is it just a convenient way to further avoid contributing to his children.

What really surprises me is how many women are married to them. When you look beneath the surface, they’re enabling the same dead beats that single mothers are vilified for leaving.

And then there are others who want 50:50 and to do all the day to day “crap” and the mum fights to stop him

Yep, I’ve noticed this too, I’m on a single parents group and so many mums don’t seem to want their ex to be involved at all, I don’t get it I would do anything for my kid’s to have a dad in their life but he doesn’t want to be

Oh for goodness' sake. I was with my husband for 10 years before we had our first child, we were married, happy, both above average earners, detached house blah blah blah.

It means fuck all.

He still left for someone else and has turned out to be a shit dad.

Stop generalising and blaming the parents left behind to pick up the pieces. You are allowing these men to get away with being twats. It's not my fault my children's dad has not been a good parent to them, and I refuse to accept it is.

To the OP: It's hard, and never ending, and bewildering, and frustrating, and embarrassing at times being the parent left to deal with it all. I totally get it.

YANBU

It’s sadly still seen as socially acceptable for men to act like this. And shockingly many of them manage to find new partners who even have kids with them. I’ll never understand how any woman could be in a relationship and have more kids with a man who doesn’t support or see his existing children. Surely basic human decency is a requirement for a partner?

So many men out here doing the absolute minimum. My mother's ex in the 80s wanted to pay 5p a week for three children. And no he wasn't a typical deadbeat. They were married, had bought a house, he owned his own business. He was also an abusive scumbag, just revealed it late.

There's a video about this going viral atm. A lady stating its unfair that a woman can choose to have an abortion or keep the baby. Yet the man just has to go along with it and can end up forced to pay for a child he doesn't want for 18 years. It's got thousands of comments in support on various platforms. Sickening.

@SpaceRaiders

What really surprises me is how many women are married to them. When you look beneath the surface, they’re enabling the same dead beats that single mothers are vilified for leaving.

My feeling is that many cases relationship only 'work' at all because of the degree to which men are able to manipulate women into being the lesser partner. As women increasingly refuse to tolerate this men are refusing to pick up the slack.

It never ceases to amaze me that a single mother can post about her frustrations of the deadbeat father yet there's always at least one person who has to pipe up "some mums don't let the dad see the kids!!" No one is saying that those women don't exist. But we are talking about NRPs who are rubbish here. Smacks of #notallmen

Any man who doesn't want a child should make sure that he does not conceive one, a baby can only happen if both parents allow it to be conceived. Once it is conceived of course the man has no say because it is in the woman's body.

All I can say is all this extra work will be worth it when your children are grown and realise that you are the one who cared enough to look after them properly. you will be rewarded by their gratitude later on.
I actually don't think it is true. If mum is constantly frazzled and worried about how to ensure that everyone's nourished/ clothed / warm and safe / educated etc., the children see her only working or sleeping, and dad is more of a fun uncle type (or Disney dad, I think is the term?), mum will eventually lose the popularity contest. They may come to the realisation when they are in their middle age themselves, but who would care then really.
My two see their dad approximately once a month, he doesn't pay anything towards them, and still he's the good guy and I am the bad guy - they want to live with him.

I've had many years as a single parent mulling over your question. Why do people look down on me as a single parent that has worked hard to provide for my child but noone seems to judge her father who doesn't support her or bother with her much?
All I can come up with is misogyny. Interesting on this thread , that so many women's responses to your question is to blame other women. Our society does not judge or hold men to account for shitty behaviour.

I had to leave a group because I dared to say that if a man doesn't want a child he should use condoms or get a vasectomy the abuse I got was shocking that I dared to suggest a man should be responsible for his sexual behaviour apparently no women should be the only ones on birth control men should not be forced to use condoms women should get there tubes done if a man doesn't want children no one asked if the woman wanted children its all about men and there rights to go in unprotected and fuck off when it's not convenient

I get you op - it's a disgrace. Why we as a society allow these men to behave like this I really can't fathom.

And where are their wider families in all this? I adore my DS but no way would I support him if he left his wife and child and had his mistress over for Christmas dinner 2 weeks later (what the ex MIL of a friend of mine did).

Plus this nonsense that it goes both ways needs to be got rid of. I've never come across a woman who's abandoned her kids - I can name 10 or so off the top of my head just from friends etc.

I think a lot of men say they want kids and probably believe in that moment (usually when trying to get leg over) but the actual reality of it terrifies them.....thereby leaving women to do it all...my son's father has done nothing and paid nothing in 19 years....I have done it all...

They may come to the realisation when they are in their middle age themselves
In middle-age I realise that mum was shouty bad guy because dad was able to make sure she had all the stress
Dad appeared to be kind nice guy only because he was able to make everything go in his favour, in truth he is callous and self-centered

Did you get married first?
Yes
Buy a family home?
Yes
Both have successful careers?
Yes
You have to ask how has he become a dead beat?
He met a 19 year old yoga instructor and his caring resource suddenly has been fully redirected towards her - I was 4 months pregnant with our second then. We simply stopped existing for him, as if we were (slightly annoying) neighbours.

I don't know how I could have planned to prevent that.

Men want children because it sends the following message
'I am powerful, I can make a woman sacrifice her own well-being and ambition in order to parent my children'
Children are a mechanism to keep women under control and prevent them from competing with men for real power and status

dating someone for a few years, having children in rented accommodation in low paid jobs

So you can have kids as long as you're rich/middle class/privileged enough to have a week paying job and a house. Good to know.

How can anyone possibly ask themselves if they can raise children by themselves BEFORE they have children and therefore have no idea what it means to have children?

Fucking holier than thou posters on this thread. Makes me sick.

@Egeegogxmv

Men want children because it sends the following message 'I am powerful, I can make a woman sacrifice her own well-being and ambition in order to parent my children' Children are a mechanism to keep women under control and prevent them from competing with men for real power and status

It's complex. But this.

And how far do women collude with it? Knowingly or unknowingly.

I don't want to victim blame at all but there are lessons for our daughters here.

And sons!

There may be warning signs - a man who has abandoned previous children, a man with a track record of abuse, cheating etc.
But no one has a crystal ball. I know women who would have felt their DH was the last person to walk out.

So people with abusive parents shouldn't have kids themselves?

As I've understood the literature around the subject, we improve our chances of providing a very different childhood for our own kids if we pair up with somebody who had a stable, reasonably happy upbringing and home life..

BettyBurntBuns You make looking for a relationship sound like some kind of job interview! Must be from a loving home ? Yes because all men with a good background ,would never cheat would they? With hold first time sex? so thats going to help choose a good future partner obv! Many men will say over and over again, that they want/love children and cant wait to be a Dad. Because they played football with their little nephews a few times, and of course they are prime material with all that exp to be daddy of the sodding year! Honestly WTAF!

@toobusytothink

And then there are others who want 50:50 and to do all the day to day “crap” and the mum fights to stop him 🤷‍♀️

This.