Aibu? crazy? loopy? or not?

[Imcrazyapparently]

It's a husband one.

Dh has form for being overly (in my opinion) secretive and defensive over his phone. He had a biometrically protected browser app that was designed to look like something else on his phone that I found out about in Oct 2019. He downloaded it on new years day 2019 so took me ten months to notice anything weird and even then only found it because I was looking to redownload an app our 3yo had deleted on the ipad and it was in the list on the ipad app store of apps on devices. He says he wasn't doing anything wrong. I think it's a weird thing to do if you aren't. I don't look through his phone.

Today, we were sat on the sofa watching England. My 3yo asked for my phone to watch bing while I was looking for a replacement parasol, I gave it to her. I then turned to my dh and said can I borrow yours please. It had been face down on the cushion in front of him, he hadn't touched it for a minute and was watching the match. He said no. I asked why. He said because I'm using it. He picked it up and starts aimlessly scrolling through, while still watching the TV. Literally eyes on TV, thumb scrolling. I said you aren't using it if you're watching the match. I said I'm just here, you can see what I'm doing on it. But still refused.

He then storms off upstairs and says ill watch the match up there. So I was really annoyed at this point and turned the power off upstairs at the fuse box. He comes back down and says that I'm crazy. That's really loopy and bizarre behaviour and I'm acting mental (I was annoyed but still calm). I said you were using your phone so you don't need the TV. He said again that I'm crazy.
Childish yes but I don't think it's bizarre behaviour.

I asked him why he was being so defensive and he is basically implying that this is all my head,he isn't acting suspiciously and its all on me. He said the laptop is on the stairs use that.

It's completely turned from a simple request to borrow something and use it right next to him into a massive argument.

What do you think? Would you find his behaviour suspicious? I'll add if he asked for my phone I'd hand it over no questions asked and wouldn't feel uncomfortable about it.

So my aibu is

Yabu - he shouldn't lend you his phone

Yanbu - he should have let you borrow it

YABU for turning the power off. Wtf was that all about.

Maybe he’s texting his mates about the footie etc.

He sounds like he ridiculously secretive about his phone and i would be very suspicious as to why.

Does he think you’re stupid?

Of course it’s suspicious. Something is absolutely going on.

Texting his mate about the football No, well he wasn’t texting anyone was he?

Something is wrong.

I was just annoyed at him for escalating an innocent request into an argument. Yeah if his friends messaged he'd have seen it on the screen and I'd have handed it back.

But he wasn't using it which was why I asked in the first place.

@RandomMess

He sounds like he ridiculously secretive about his phone and i would be very suspicious as to why.

This. The fact he's downloaded biometrically protected browser apps and won't even let you use the phone when he's sat right next to you is incredibly suspicious. Don't let anyone tell you this is perfectly normal behaviour because it isn't.

He is up to something, I would stake a weeks wages on it. However - I wouldn't take kindly to being told I had to hand my phone over.

Thank you. I hate that he made me feel like he is acting normally and I'm crazily overthinking.

He's gaslighting you. Nobody has a fake app like that unless they're up to something. That's what they're for.

Very suspicious behaviour I'm afraid , thing is now he thinks you might be on to him he could be deleting all sorts off his phone. Any other suspicious behaviour?

My initial request was really casual and polite, I think I said 'can I just borrow your phone please pet.'

When he said no and started to fake use it, it became more about why than actually using the phone. I didn't demand he give it to me. Once he had his back up it was obvious that wasn't going to happen.

@Imcrazyapparently

Thank you. I hate that he made me feel like he is acting normally and I'm crazily overthinking.

It's gaslighting behaviour and the fact he's treating you like this is a huge red flag. Im going to suggest that often trotted out line of getting all your ducks in a row as soon as possible. Unfortunately I cannot see this relationship lasting.

I'd never know tbh. He is so secretive with it.

I don't think anything physical would be happening, he doesn't have the time, but I wouldn't rule out talking to other women. I'd just never be able to prove it. He just says trust me, but yet acts suspiciously.

I feel 100% gaslighted.

You went over the top, but your husband is definitely up to no good. No one is that secretive and defensive without a reason.

I think your in the wrong why would you want his phone he doesn’t want to let you have it what’s wrong with that ? And why would you turn the power off ? sorry but I’d call you crazy too the other way round you’d be the same .

I can’t think of any reason to have a biometrically protected fake browser app, other than something very nasty.

We've been together since 2008 so it's a long time. He doesn't see how it looks suspicious. We have a 3yo and a 2yo, and alot of debt so don't think we would financially survive apart.

If he's extremely clever with his phone he may be clever with yours/laptop, etc. Be careful.

@Imnothereforthedrama

I think your in the wrong why would you want his phone he doesn’t want to let you have it what’s wrong with that ? And why would you turn the power off ? sorry but I’d call you crazy too the other way round you’d be the same .

She explained quite clearly she wanted to borrow it because she had given hers to their 3 year old and she wished to continue looking for a parasol. Given he wasn't using it this is a perfectly normal request.

I don't know what to do.

First all ensure he hasn't put key loggers and spyware on your phone and that he can't asking your stuff via a laptop or iPad.

Ultimately it's sounds likely to be LTB territory so you need time and space to work though what you want.

Do you rent or own your home?

I think you have to be very careful and very sure of things. I’ve been in two relationships where both cheated and I found out from their phones and emails. One had another phone and one advertised himself on a married dating site, marital affair. Once you start this journey trust is damaged and never returns. If I would give myself any advice having gone through this, I would calmly write down concerns. Then go somewhere neutral say you want to talk calmly about the situation and ask upfront for you both to be honest with each other. My husband accepted that he had done wrong and agreed for me to have access to his phone and emails. We also went to relate, but it’s expensive. I hope things work out for you. Try to take control and work things out calmly. Xxx

He's just come down and asked if I'm out my huff.

He says he's done nothing wrong and that I was acting crazy expecting to use it. I just asked for a solid reason why and he said just because.

We just rent

@Imcrazyapparently

He's just come down and asked if I'm out my huff.

He says he's done nothing wrong and that I was acting crazy expecting to use it. I just asked for a solid reason why and he said just because.

I think for your sake and the sake of your children you need to probably take steps to separate. Even if he isn't up to anything suspicious, which is about as likely as winning the lottery, he clearly has very little respect for you.