Aibu? crazy? loopy? or not?

[Imcrazyapparently]

It's a husband one.

Dh has form for being overly (in my opinion) secretive and defensive over his phone. He had a biometrically protected browser app that was designed to look like something else on his phone that I found out about in Oct 2019. He downloaded it on new years day 2019 so took me ten months to notice anything weird and even then only found it because I was looking to redownload an app our 3yo had deleted on the ipad and it was in the list on the ipad app store of apps on devices. He says he wasn't doing anything wrong. I think it's a weird thing to do if you aren't. I don't look through his phone.

Today, we were sat on the sofa watching England. My 3yo asked for my phone to watch bing while I was looking for a replacement parasol, I gave it to her. I then turned to my dh and said can I borrow yours please. It had been face down on the cushion in front of him, he hadn't touched it for a minute and was watching the match. He said no. I asked why. He said because I'm using it. He picked it up and starts aimlessly scrolling through, while still watching the TV. Literally eyes on TV, thumb scrolling. I said you aren't using it if you're watching the match. I said I'm just here, you can see what I'm doing on it. But still refused.

He then storms off upstairs and says ill watch the match up there. So I was really annoyed at this point and turned the power off upstairs at the fuse box. He comes back down and says that I'm crazy. That's really loopy and bizarre behaviour and I'm acting mental (I was annoyed but still calm). I said you were using your phone so you don't need the TV. He said again that I'm crazy.
Childish yes but I don't think it's bizarre behaviour.

I asked him why he was being so defensive and he is basically implying that this is all my head,he isn't acting suspiciously and its all on me. He said the laptop is on the stairs use that.

It's completely turned from a simple request to borrow something and use it right next to him into a massive argument.

What do you think? Would you find his behaviour suspicious? I'll add if he asked for my phone I'd hand it over no questions asked and wouldn't feel uncomfortable about it.

What he's done is very suspicious, as is his reaction.
You don't trust him, he lies, and now you've also said he's useless with the kids too! So what are his redeeming features and why are you flogging a dead horse?

Honestly him having an affair would be the least of my worries here because that sounds sinister af

He's just lazy to be honest. I don't think my bizarre psychoanalysis is a reason to discount it as an option, it had crossed my mind.
So had being gay, being trans, being suicidal, gambling, sex chats, and genuinely wanting privacy with no ulterior motive.
But anyone could point to anyones dh, dad, brother, grandfather and ask them to prove their not a paedophile if they had a private browser open.

I don't think it matters at this stage what it is OP - he's 100% hiding something and he will lie and lie and lie about it.

It's your choice whether to put up with it.

Typical MN. Any man who desires privacy on his phone is either gambling, having casual sex, or is a pedophile. But definitely suspicious and probably illegal. Absolutely ridiculous madness.

Especially since the privacy app in question is a BIOMETRIC one, as in one of two possibilities;

1. His fingerprints or facial recognition are being logged every time he accesses it and is irrevocably linked to whatever he then proceeds to do online....usually secure things like online banking or accessing pension/investment accounts.

NO ONE is stupid enough to link their BIOMETRIC DATA to anything ILLEGAL.

2. Or it is a biometric privacy app to STOP other apps from collecting his biometric data. Which is actually a smart thing to do as for example, China is collecting biometric data on all TikTok users. Facebook was also sued for and fined $650m for illegally collecting biometric data through photo tagging to secretly have a facial recognition database.

I don't know what I'm doing here. Day to day we get on ok, if I don't think about the gaping lack of trust. What if he is just private?

Plus if we're together then I can watch him. If I'm apart he would get access to the kids unsupervised. What's more dangerous then? He's utterly useless with the kids but I can't refuse access because he had an app on his phone in 2019, no court would uphold that. He would also lose his job if I threw an accusation like that about.

@PlanDeRaccordement then why be secretive about it? Why not share that information technology with his DW and protect her?

I think the point is that there was an app on his phone and he refused to discuss it with his DW who lives in his home and cares for his children. He wont allow her to use his phone while he sits next to her. Both of these to the extent that he would rather have an argument.

We are all entitled to privacy but that is something more.

@Imcrazyapparently the way to prove your not using the app for any of those things you suggested is to show the app and its content.

Also I never suggested he was an abuser I asked what he said about the app, my replies were in response to your method of profiling abusers.

[quote Faevern]@PlanDeRaccordement then why be secretive about it? Why not share that information technology with his DW and protect her?

I think the point is that there was an app on his phone and he refused to discuss it with his DW who lives in his home and cares for his children. He wont allow her to use his phone while he sits next to her. Both of these to the extent that he would rather have an argument.

We are all entitled to privacy but that is something more.

@Imcrazyapparently the way to prove your not using the app for any of those things you suggested is to show the app and its content.[/quote]
He’s not being “secretive”. I don’t ask my partner for permission before I install a security type app on my devices. I don’t give him a list of apps on my devices to keep him up to date. Why would I? That’s just intrusive. Besides, he knows I’m not a tech imbecile. Why would her DH ask her about an app before installing it or give her an app update?

The weird thing is her “confronting him” about the app after she saw it which led him to delete it to avoid further confrontations. That’s the actions of a non confrontational person, as is running away upstairs in the argument they just had. I don’t understand the confronting someone over an privacy app like they did something wrong.

He deleted the app in October 2019 when I found out about it. He hasn't downloaded it since, I can see all the apps on his phone by looking on the ipad and there's been nothing else untoward since. I brought the app up to give context to his past behaviour.
I wouldn't be surprised if he's slagging me off to someone as the nagging wife and could be concerned a reply might come through.
The app was biometrically protected so it required face and finger print to access, obviously that would rightly link him to everything he used it for so would be shooting himself in the foot if it was something illegal. I hadn't considered that before

He wont allow her to use his phone while he sits next to her. Both of these to the extent that he would rather have an argument.

This is an issue, but to my mind it’s the OP bullying, not him being suspicious. Everyone has a right to privacy even in a relationship. If the sexes were reversed and it was a man wanting to use his wife’s phone and starting an argument over it, I think the MN responses would be all about coercive control and paranoia.

So why not just give a reasonable explanation of the app as part of conversation @PlanDeRaccordement ?
That's what a reasonable person would do.

Do you actually use a biometrically protected browser? If so what for?
Perhaps you could set minds at ease by providing some entirely innocent reasons for doing so and set minds at rest? That would be constructive and helpful

You surely must recognise that using a biometrically protected browser, refusing to discuss it or explain why, and pretending to use your phone and leaving the room purely to avoid allowing your partner to use it and then calling them names isn't 'reasonable' behaviour to most people.

Or perhaps you don't believe in open conversations and communication in relationships? No one has said wanting to retain your privacy is sx problem per se, but secretive behaviour and poor communication is not the basis for a healthy relationship.

@PlanDeRaccordement

He wont allow her to use his phone while he sits next to her. Both of these to the extent that he would rather have an argument.

This is an issue, but to my mind it’s the OP bullying, not him being suspicious. Everyone has a right to privacy even in a relationship. If the sexes were reversed and it was a man wanting to use his wife’s phone and starting an argument over it, I think the MN responses would be all about coercive control and paranoia.

Which part of the OP is 'bullying' to you? Asking questions? Having a conversation?

But refusing to communicate, storming off and calling names is fine I suppose?

I would think he was clearly up to something and he’s gaslighting you.

However turning the electric off is crazy behaviour.

@Imcrazyapparently

He deleted the app in October 2019 when I found out about it. He hasn't downloaded it since, I can see all the apps on his phone by looking on the ipad and there's been nothing else untoward since. I brought the app up to give context to his past behaviour. I wouldn't be surprised if he's slagging me off to someone as the nagging wife and could be concerned a reply might come through. The app was biometrically protected so it required face and finger print to access, obviously that would rightly link him to everything he used it for so would be shooting himself in the foot if it was something illegal. I hadn't considered that before

Not if it's a Tor browser Such apps are specifically for accessing the dark web

I don't think the OP is a bully, I think she knows her DH is hiding something. Deleting the app and running upstairs are also the actions of a guilty person.

Sitting on a sofa asking your DP next to you can you use his phone to browse for something is a perfectly simple request in a trusting relationship.

If the DH said no use your own phone instead of giving it to our 3 year old that would have been a perfectly simple reply.

But that's not what happened.

I don't think the OP is a bully, I think she knows her DH is hiding something.

I agree I don't see the OP as bullying and I really don't think it would be any different if a women was being this evasive. His behaviour is irrational and he's being abusive to the OP that behaviour is unacceptable no matter what the sex of the person doing it.

I'm not a bully, I'm honestly not. He's lied to me through the years about so much, if saying the sky was yellow benefitted him he would say the sky was yellow until he was blue in the face.
He really made me doubt myself today.

From the icon you describe, it looks like Private Browsing by Savy Soda. But if so, it is just a privacy browser like duck duck go. There’s no biometric protection. It’s not an image vault or anything like that.

He’s has lied to you and deceived you previously. It can take a long time to build trust again. You seemed to make a reasonable request and his reaction alerted your gut. You overreacted in response and then he uses your behaviour as a distraction. Sometimes people can feel that they are going mad until they get actual proof. I would watch, assess and wait but act casual, if you have the patience.

What's suspicious is that he can't be honest with you.
I do silly quizzes etc etc on my phone as well but I'm upfront about that being the reason why.
I wouldn't be comfortable with this either

I’d be very curious if my dh didn’t let me see his phone, but we’re completely open with devices.

See, I've got nothing to hide, but I'm uncomfortable sharing my phone with DH. I don't even know why, it's just my whole life is accessible through it. I even fidget when I give it to him for a few seconds to take a photo. Equally, I wouldn't ask DH for his phone.

So I don't know if your DH is hiding anything, but I wouldn't say it's proof of him being up to no good.

I don't share my phone with anyone and if dh turned the power off because i wouldn't let him use my phone i'd leave him. You sound nuts

OP wasn’t asking to share his phone she asked to use it. He was there, that’s not the same as looking through someone’s phone. I’ve used my DP’s phone, my BFF phone, my DC’s phone and even a colleagues phone to search and show her something. I have no idea what is on any of them.