Aibu? crazy? loopy? or not?

[Imcrazyapparently]

It's a husband one.

Dh has form for being overly (in my opinion) secretive and defensive over his phone. He had a biometrically protected browser app that was designed to look like something else on his phone that I found out about in Oct 2019. He downloaded it on new years day 2019 so took me ten months to notice anything weird and even then only found it because I was looking to redownload an app our 3yo had deleted on the ipad and it was in the list on the ipad app store of apps on devices. He says he wasn't doing anything wrong. I think it's a weird thing to do if you aren't. I don't look through his phone.

Today, we were sat on the sofa watching England. My 3yo asked for my phone to watch bing while I was looking for a replacement parasol, I gave it to her. I then turned to my dh and said can I borrow yours please. It had been face down on the cushion in front of him, he hadn't touched it for a minute and was watching the match. He said no. I asked why. He said because I'm using it. He picked it up and starts aimlessly scrolling through, while still watching the TV. Literally eyes on TV, thumb scrolling. I said you aren't using it if you're watching the match. I said I'm just here, you can see what I'm doing on it. But still refused.

He then storms off upstairs and says ill watch the match up there. So I was really annoyed at this point and turned the power off upstairs at the fuse box. He comes back down and says that I'm crazy. That's really loopy and bizarre behaviour and I'm acting mental (I was annoyed but still calm). I said you were using your phone so you don't need the TV. He said again that I'm crazy.
Childish yes but I don't think it's bizarre behaviour.

I asked him why he was being so defensive and he is basically implying that this is all my head,he isn't acting suspiciously and its all on me. He said the laptop is on the stairs use that.

It's completely turned from a simple request to borrow something and use it right next to him into a massive argument.

What do you think? Would you find his behaviour suspicious? I'll add if he asked for my phone I'd hand it over no questions asked and wouldn't feel uncomfortable about it.

This was in front your child?

I know someone whose partner was like this with his phone and other devices. All fine until the cops burst into their flat and arrested him for downloading thousands of child porn images. Id be concerned.

So you are huffy and crazy expecting to use his phone and he is allowed to use ‘just because’ as a justification for that. And for him to ignore the fact he huffed himself upstairs?

Isn’t he a peach?

If it doesn’t look right, sound right or feel right OP, then it probably really isn’t.

This was in front your child?

I'm wondering this as well. If so, it's got to stop. The damage this will do is irreparable.

The last thing I want is for my kids to be exposed to anything damaging. We weren't using raised voices but nonetheless I agree. When he came down I said I'd talk to him later after he asked if I was out my huff, hence his reply of he'd done nothing wrong.

He's just trying to talk to me normally as if nothing had happened. I'm trying not to cry.

YANBU to be suspicious- I definitely would be. YABU to switch the power off like that. No judgement as such though- my ex and his constant cheating, suss behaviour and gaslighting massively impacted me and I didn’t always react in the “best” way either.

Is a biometric protected app like what you would use for banking?

What did he say in October 2019 when you found the disguised app on his phone, what was it hiding?

He is hiding something. If you sit quietly with your intuition and gut feeling you'll know either way.
He's gaslighting you by saying you're crazy and over reacting etc.
If my DH doesn't let me use his phone quickly to do something then I would be annoyed. This coupled with the secret apps from the past....well be clearly has a history of something.

All the "cool girls" will tell you that you should never use or expect to use your partner's phone...this is bullshit imo and if you're sharing your home, life and body with someone, doing a quick google on their phone isn't outrageous.

Maybe you shouldn't have turned the power off, but it sounds like you're at the end of your tether with his suspicious behaviour and it can feel incredibly frustrating when you don't have definitive proof of anything either way.

But sometimes you don't need definitive proof. You just know.

I never found out what the app was really for. When I confronted him he was in the kitchen and kept repeating the question I was asking him, obviously trying to buy time to come up with a lie. He said it was so he had privacy. I pointed out that safari has an incognito mode, he claimed to be unaware. He deleted the app as soon as I brought it up so I'd never be able to question him. Dc2 was 4 months old at the time and it was the trigger for my pnd I think.

So you have to share with the dc but his phone is just for him?

I think it is very suspicious tbh.

I'm so relieved this isn't just me who thinks it's suspicious. Thank you.

When he is asleep use his thumb and unlock his phone.

He is being a complete prick!

YABU
To me, my DH, and our DC, our phones are private. There is no obligation to share them and we respect and trust each other enough not to go snooping on them.

YABU to shut off the power. He’s left the room because he doesn’t want to argue in front of children, so you take the argument to him. That’s as bad as following someone whose asked for space.

@PlanDeRaccordement if your phone was flat or elsewhere and you wanted to quickly finish what you were doing, would you be happy for your husband to say no if he wasn't using his?

I don't go through his phone and have no intention of snooping but to use it as a device when it's going spare isn't unreasonable I don't think

I wouldn’t ask to use his phone full stop.
I have iPad as well as phone and one is always charged.
If I inadvertently have left my phone at home and we are out and about, and I need something that requires his phone be used, I just ask him to do whatever it is that needs to be done. And he does it. Whether looking up directions, restaurant reviews, bank balance, etc etc.

but to use it as a device when it's going spare isn't unreasonable I don't think

Neither view is unreasonable but for yourself only. You can be ok with your device being used when spare and offer it, or you can not be ok with your device being used when spare and maintain your privacy. You two just have different, equally valid opinions.

I only say YABU because you’re imposing your opinion on him. Just because you don’t feel your phone is private, doesn’t mean he can’t feel that way. Everyone has different lines.

It somewhat like when living with flat mates. Some are happy to let you borrow their clothes or shoes, other flat mates may be unwilling to lend their clothes/shoes to you. Is one view unreasonable? No both are reasonable and each individual has the right to choose but only for themselves. Not their partners.

It's slightly reassuring that some people have that kind of set up. I think if you all agree and have total trust then there's not an issue. Sadly, I just can't trust him I guess

Yes. You have to have trust. Sad you can’t trust him, but being able to access his phone whenever you want won’t change whether you trust him or not.

What’s he hiding.

I HATE anyone looking through my bag. I hate it but if dh said can I get some tissues put your bag or whatever I would say yes as he’s rummage around. If on the the other hand he started rummaging around without asking me first I would shout at him at bit

He sounds very suspicious to me.

You don't trust him so tbh the relationship is over

I'm watching the football and I'm in my phone now so I think yabu.

@RedHelenB

I'm watching the football and I'm in my phone now so I think yabu.

Why? Her husband only started using the phone after the OP asked to borrow it, so he could then say he was using it.

Not wanting you to use his phone...I wouldn't want to share mine either tbh, although DP wouldn't ask. The concealed browser, that's suspicious. Porn?

I'm glad someone else upthread mentioned child "porn", because IMO, thats as likely as someone having an affair. Its easy to delete messages from another woman, but the risk of a nosey child finding the folders and folders of images is a huge risk.

Porn doesn't bother me, he knows that so don't think he'd go through all that trouble. I don't know what to think. The obvious explanation is some kind of affair or sex chat etc. But, as naive as this sounds, I just don't think it is.