To expect to be consulted by people planning to visit?

[Dragonfly909]

We received a message from a family member last Monday saying they had made a plan to come to our house that weekend with other family members and we could do them a bbq. They all live hours away so would need to stay over, one at our house and others would stay with my partner's mum, who lives nearby.

We had less than a week's notice of this plan and were not included in making it, we were just told what they had decided to do. Also presumably expected to sort out food for the bbq etc.

In fact we had made plans for the weekend and had to tell them we couldn't host them so it didn't happen.

We would have liked to see them as obviously we haven't seen people much recently. But we have a young baby so a bit more notice and also being consulted would have been nice! Also interesting that they expected us to be available.

Are we being unreasonable to expect this or are they?

I'd say they were being unreasonable, even if you didn't have a baby.
We now live atleast 5 hours from family and friends and would always expect more notice than a week.

I would have text back
Sorry I assume you have messaged the wrong person, we are away that week end!

Very cheeky of them. Even is people are just popping in for a chat and coffee I would expect to arrange it beforehand.

YANBU i would expect a longer notice than a week. I think its pretty rude to expect you to host them and sort outa BBQ at the drop of a hat.

Very rude of them, they should wait to be invited not invite themselves

Who invites themselves to someone elses house, and expect a BBQ and a nights accommodation??? Utterly rude. I'm glad you said NO.

Cousins live 2hrs away, but before we visit each other, we'd have a conversation and check when we have weekends free and pencil into the diary.

IF, for some reason I was going to be near their town, I'd say that we will be in town on X weekend, but we are staying at X hotel. If you are free, it would be lovely to meet for a meal somewhere. I'd NEVER expect them to drop everything to host and accommodate us in a weeks time!!!

I absolutely would not be happy about not even being asked! How rude! I would have said, ‘sorry, that doesn’t work for us,’ whether we were busy/had plans or not, simply out of principle as I would not be encouraging that kind of entitlement.

I'm guessing parents. Who have forgotten or never learned that you are now functioning adults.

I think as long as they are not annoyed that you can't make it, it is OK. Sometimes it's just a this night be a good idea last minute. Let's see if it works. If yes great, If not... That's ok

Of course you are not being unreasonable-that is incredibly rude!

I'm saying YANBU - but - if it were adult children or parents, they'd know where the spare key is and they'd be told to get on with it, I was going out.

These things always depend on family relationship dynamics. Neither DH nor I came from a family where an appointment system is required.

My family do this. Then they threaten me with social services if I say we won't be here.

That’s so weird but you can very easily put a stop to it and retrain them. Any time they do this let them know the date doesn’t work for you and suggest some alternate dates so you mutually agree a time to get together. If you complain about this but then allow it anyway then YABU.

Next time send a list of your rates...

I think it is good you were genuinely able to say no we are busy. They may actually ask rather than telling next time.

However, be ready for next time. Would you want them to stay? Would it be better for you to have details of local b&b/Airb&b ready so you can say - Oh it would be lovely to see you when you are in the area. I've got some accommodation info if you need it. No sorry we can't put you up.
Then if YOU want to do a bbq, fine.

It's one thing wanting to see family/friends. It's quite another if they just fancy a free weekend at your inconvenience & expense.

YANBU

I find it quite unbelievable that anyone would do this tbh

@TheLovelinessOfDemons

My family do this. Then they threaten me with social services if I say we won't be here.

I hope you tell them to fuck off!

I think this is so rude, and really frustrating! My in laws used to just announce that they were coming to stay with us, and on one occasion even listed the dates they had booked flights for their next three visits! I finally lost it and told them that in future they needed to ask if we were available for visitors to stay before they book any flights, as we had already made plans for some of those dates. It did cause a bit of an issue but they now do check first. I'm glad you were able to deflect your visitors this time but it sounds like they may try it again!

@TwoAndAnOnion so would you provide food and accommodation for someone even of you weren’t there. Do you always have extra food in the house just in case someone drops in for the weekend?

You are definitely not being unreasonable, I hate things like this! I even hate it when people just pop round and expect me to drop everything and have tea and a chat. I think it's so rude. My FIL is the worst for this.

My in-laws once booked cheap flights to visit us then told us they were coming. It was our anniversary weekend and we were going away. They were most put out!

Just say NO. Say You are stopping visitors as you dont want them.

Don’t start lying, it will never stop.

YANBU that’s ridiculous!! I still remember years ago when DH & I had invited mil & fil - over for dinner, stay overnight and breakfast. unbeknown to me, mil had also invited bil, sil and their partners and children, to spend the day aswell. Unsurprisingly I had no food to give any of them and nothing planned to do so I looked like a terrible host (!) - still makes me angry!

Rude and entitled behaviour. Wtf.

I think I would have had 'plans' anytime this happened. They would be welcome to drop in, but any staying over or BBQ would be at my suggestion, not theirs. Basic manners.