To expect to be consulted by people planning to visit?

[Dragonfly909]

We received a message from a family member last Monday saying they had made a plan to come to our house that weekend with other family members and we could do them a bbq. They all live hours away so would need to stay over, one at our house and others would stay with my partner's mum, who lives nearby.

We had less than a week's notice of this plan and were not included in making it, we were just told what they had decided to do. Also presumably expected to sort out food for the bbq etc.

In fact we had made plans for the weekend and had to tell them we couldn't host them so it didn't happen.

We would have liked to see them as obviously we haven't seen people much recently. But we have a young baby so a bit more notice and also being consulted would have been nice! Also interesting that they expected us to be available.

Are we being unreasonable to expect this or are they?

YANBU but they clearly don't see you as adults with your own agency or schedule. They're treating you like a child, who has to just do what you're told, when you're told, and who has no say in any of it.

Glad you were able to tell them that you were already busy that weekend!

Rude of them.

Depends if their message was exactly as you say and not your interpretation of it, you are certainly making them out to be unreasonable and demanding.

If my family announced they were coming (they all live hours away and would ask if we were free but sometime it's been short notice) I would bend over backwards to ensure it happened and would be happy to host and cater. But they would do the same for us and it may not be the case here.

Ex-in-laws used to do this all the time! I'd be working a weekend or bank holiday shift, get a text to say they'd arrived and I had to magically have an evening banquet in stock

@PanamaPattie I wouldn't dare with these particular relatives. If we have plans, I tell them and then go wherever we're going. If they choose to get on a train for 2.5 hours when I've said we won't be there, that's their problem.

Years ago my uncle and aunt did this to us. Told my mother they would be staying with us from just after Christmas through New year, then flying on to New Zealand. My mother told them we would be away. We were going to an international music conference in Melbourne (10 hours drive away). She told them to change their stopover to the return journey as they would have to fly through Sydney anyway (at that time no direct routes to NZ bypassing Australia).

They would have none of it. Wouldn't believe anyone would possibly go away between Christmas and New Year, let alone actually have "something on". In the end my parents had to change booked accommodation for my sister and I, book us flights to Melbourne they couldn't really afford, and then drive down two or three days later to join us seeing uncle and aunt off. My sister and I, age 12 and 14, had to find our way to the venue from the airport, get our own meals and get to classes and rehearsals - my sister was playing a solo in the gala concert which was the evening of the day our parents were finally able to get there.

And guess what. We saw our uncle and aunt again for a couple of hours on their return from NZ as they had a long transit time between flights.

I don’t wish to be rude - but why do you need to ask this?

Of course they should ask. But equally you’re totally fine to do what you did and say sorry, it isn’t convenient, another time?

@TwoAndAnOnion This particular relative is almost certainly a narcissist. She also seems to think that if we have other plans, I'm lying and hiding something. She has no reason to think this. Apparently, I'm supposed to drop everything if she says she's coming.

This sounds like my DH’s relatives, rude and entitled. They tried to visit the other week and I asked DH to sort and shut it down.

Rude.

I'm likely to text family to say We'd like to come up for a few days this summer - would that be ok at some point?. They are likely to do the same.

I wouldn't dream of announcing at short notice that I was coming. Nor would I expect it the other way round. And I'd be perfectly accepting of people saying something along the lines of We're absolutely booked up this summer. Maybe later in the year? if they didn't want us.

Most people learn in pre-school that it's rude to invite yourself to someone else's house.

So obviously, YWNU to say no.

It sounds like you have a very odd relationship with these people to even feel the need to seek others' opinions on this, OP.

@Chikapu No I don't. I have no idea what weird grounds they'd come up with. It usually happens in summer, obviously most families have things going on, plus they want to visit on my actual birthday, which, every few years, an event we go to falls on.

@GrasswillbeGreener

Years ago my uncle and aunt did this to us. Told my mother they would be staying with us from just after Christmas through New year, then flying on to New Zealand. My mother told them we would be away. We were going to an international music conference in Melbourne (10 hours drive away). She told them to change their stopover to the return journey as they would have to fly through Sydney anyway (at that time no direct routes to NZ bypassing Australia).

They would have none of it. Wouldn't believe anyone would possibly go away between Christmas and New Year, let alone actually have "something on". In the end my parents had to change booked accommodation for my sister and I, book us flights to Melbourne they couldn't really afford, and then drive down two or three days later to join us seeing uncle and aunt off. My sister and I, age 12 and 14, had to find our way to the venue from the airport, get our own meals and get to classes and rehearsals - my sister was playing a solo in the gala concert which was the evening of the day our parents were finally able to get there.

And guess what. We saw our uncle and aunt again for a couple of hours on their return from NZ as they had a long transit time between flights.

I'm actually outraged on your behalf that your parents caved to the pressure. I would NOT have done this. Depending on who the aunt and uncle were related to, THEY could have stayed on their own to see them if they absolutely felt that put upon that they had to, but I would not have sent my young tween/teen off by themselves just because of their twatty relatives issues!

My parents had their own issues with scheduling and forgettng that I also had a life - mostly by telling me on Friday that X was happening on Saturday, when I already had plans - I reached the point of saying "sorry, you should have told me before, I'm doing Y this weekend, can't come". Sometimes it was even on the same day that they told me something was happening later that day.

IT was never an issue of spontaneity - they just couldn't be arsed to let me know in plenty of time. So I stopped going along.

DH is like this too - fucks me right off that he thinks he can just let people know on the day, or the day before, and they'll just drop any plans they had to fall in with what he wants. I'm really glad MIL has been able to say "No" sometimes when he does this. I don't let him do it to me, either.

Are they related to you or your partner? if you then it is very presumptuous that they would just be able to stay at your partner's mums house.

I live four hours away from my family and my immediate family would always give me more than a weeks notice before coming to mine to make sure we would actually be in as I work Saturdays and Sundays tend to be family time and we are usually out with the kids. My cousin popped over once on the day. I didn't have much in so dh had to do an emergency shop and I rustled up some food and we had a nice time, I would have liked more notice though as I went on a huge cleaning spree as they wanted a tour of my house. I asked for more notice next time.

As a kid my dad took us all to the cinema one bank holiday and my mum kept receiving text messages turned out her sister and nephew from Middlesbrough had scaled our fence and were sat in your garden wondering where we were as they had come to see is. No phone call before, my mum wanted to leave the cinema early until I told her to behave and enjoy the rest of the film. We were meant to be going out for dinner afterwards and that got cancelled, instead rushed home afterwards and my mum was rushing about in the kitchen making a 3 course meal for them. My dad was annoyed but kept out of it as they are mum's family. When asked by my mum why she hadn't phoned ahead she said because you never go anywhere so thought you would be in. I was raging and told her that it was lucky that the neighbours weren't in as they would have called the police seeing people scale our back fence because that is what I would have done. I also mentioned that we had to cancel our plans because of her. The bare faced woman would expect a weeks notice before anyone came to hers because she worked but couldn't give my mum the same courtesy as she was a sahm. My mum told me off for being rude to aunt after they left, but my dad stuck up for me. Thankfully my mum did go on to develop a backbone and stick up for herself.

yanbu

Of course you’re not being unreasonable, they’re being very rude.

Since there's very little info in the op it's impossible to tell if this is cheeky or just loving relatives wanting to see op and family.

You can be both! It’s just cheeky to -

1. expect OP to be doing nothing or to reschedule her plans if she has them
2. expect to stay over and other people stay over without asking first
3. expect OP to get all the food and drinks in