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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to be consulted by people planning to visit?

91 replies

Dragonfly909 · 13/06/2021 10:54

We received a message from a family member last Monday saying they had made a plan to come to our house that weekend with other family members and we could do them a bbq. They all live hours away so would need to stay over, one at our house and others would stay with my partner's mum, who lives nearby.

We had less than a week's notice of this plan and were not included in making it, we were just told what they had decided to do. Also presumably expected to sort out food for the bbq etc.

In fact we had made plans for the weekend and had to tell them we couldn't host them so it didn't happen.

We would have liked to see them as obviously we haven't seen people much recently. But we have a young baby so a bit more notice and also being consulted would have been nice! Also interesting that they expected us to be available.

Are we being unreasonable to expect this or are they?

OP posts:
thereisonlyoneofme · 13/06/2021 11:41

In the early days of our marriage we booked a holiday, and OH said that his sister and family could use our place to have a break themselves while we were away. I wasnt happy with this and saidNo. When we got back from holiday as soon as i walked in the door I could tell someone had been in the house. Turns out he invited them anyway. So there were no clean sheets on the beds, no cleaning or special tidying up done. I have never been so embarrassed or angry since !

FictionalCharacter · 13/06/2021 11:55

They invited themselves and decided you would do a barbecue for them - and you seriously think YOU might be the unreasonable one?!

BarbarianMum · 13/06/2021 12:35

If it's not convenient (hardly surprising) then something along the lines of " that's great but we already have plans" would be perfectly acceptable.

SmudgeButt · 13/06/2021 12:59

DH cousins and MiL friends do this to us occasionally. (we all live together)

But it's more of a "I'd like to pop by next week if that's ok. Is there a particular day that works for you??" and DH will plan a lunch or tea and biscuits depending on who and what their schedule is. Or will say no if it's a particularly difficult day (as in day MiL's carer will be helping her shower).

If any of them simply declared "I'll be at yours for lunch on Wednesday" I wouldn't reply but would make sure we weren't at home when they arrived.

TwoAndAnOnion · 13/06/2021 13:02

@TheLovelinessOfDemons

My family do this. Then they threaten me with social services if I say we won't be here.
Got to be a back history for this one ... whats the story here?
EL8888 · 13/06/2021 13:11

@tobedtoMNandfart l think quite possibly so. I used to live in a popular city to visit, was given 2 weeks notice by my mother that she was visit. I had already made plans and l advised her of that.
She was raging and started shouting at me. Yeah sorry l have my own life Hmm

Whoever it is they are rude and entitled

UnreasonablyPissedOff · 13/06/2021 13:11

Dh has a relative who lives in another country who just books cheap flights to suit themselves & posts pictures of the booking on Facebook tagging him & his siblings. She then expects that she'll be collected from the airport & ferried from house to house & hosted & taken on day trips (which she specifies! )
It's the cheapest holiday in the world for her as she barely puts her hand in het pocket for the entire time

She started off coming for 2 /3 days but the last time she booked a week!!
DH has finally figured out what a massive pisstake it is & we did not host the last 2 times. But it's caused issues with his siblings now. I think this person has quite the unbelievable brass neck!
We've never been invited to her home nor met her family etc in all the years

Egeegogxmv · 13/06/2021 13:14

I would just reply that when I want a barbecue and a house full of people I will let them know
Or just ignore the message and go out before they turn up?

WorraLiberty · 13/06/2021 13:14

I can't believe you've asked if you're being unreasonable.

Taikoo · 13/06/2021 13:16

I'm presuming its parents.
I would tell them to jog on.

nina3638 · 13/06/2021 13:21

my inlaws did this when i was pregnant, said ‘we’ve booked to visit on x date and are staying 4 nights’ told my fiance he could tell them if they turn up without consulting us first i’d stay at my mums with the baby the whole time so they wouldn’t meet her anyway. thankfully he grew some balls and they cancelled. it’s so rude i couldn’t imagine inviting myself to stay with people without even asking!

UpTheJunktion · 13/06/2021 13:21

I presume they are desperate to see you and D.C.

If you want to see them, be pro active, take control and pick a date that suits you and invite them, or suggest visiting them.

Tistheseason17 · 13/06/2021 13:23

I don't respond well to instructions.
Even if I did not have plans I would have conjured up plans.

Heyha · 13/06/2021 13:24

"We're in the area, can we pop in for a cuppa while we're around?" Absolutely no problem.

What they did? Ridiculous. I'm sure you'd have been happy to host and sort if you'd had any option on date, venue, plans etc so don't beat yourself up one bit. If you really like them you could make a point of planning another get together on your terms but if you're not keen just chalk it up to dodging a bullet.

Egeegogxmv · 13/06/2021 13:25

I hate it when people try to steal your free time from you like this

UnreasonablyPissedOff · 13/06/2021 13:27

The relative I've mentioned is not dh's mother. Even though it would still be very irritating I sort of understand parents thinking it would be ok to do.
In our case she's a relative who had no contact at all for many years & then reconnected when it suited her to want a free holiday in another country each year!

Ninkanink · 13/06/2021 13:30

No, it’s really not okay for parents to do.

You ask, you don’t just impose! It’s hugely disrespectful, rude and belies a lack of boundaries and I wouldn’t accept it from my own parents and much less so from my in laws.

Catflapkitkat · 13/06/2021 13:37

Even with a hotel you check if there is availability.

MargaretThursday · 13/06/2021 13:38

We had a family member do this over Christmas. They announced it at a meal after telling everyone else.

Seriously unimpressed.

MaybeCrazy2 · 13/06/2021 13:38

If it’s friends it’s rude, if it’s family then not really.

fashionablefennel · 13/06/2021 13:39

Anyone who doesn't ASK is rude.

Perfectly normal with family and close friends to say you are thinking to come over, a week notice is absolutely fine, but you ASK if it's convenient and the host is free!

Egeegogxmv · 13/06/2021 13:39

@MaybeCrazy2

If it’s friends it’s rude, if it’s family then not really.
But why? Can you explain why it's ok for family to be rude?
Chicchicchicchiclana · 13/06/2021 13:40

How long is it since you've seen them? Have they ever met your baby? Are they grandparents?

When people live a long distance away they don't really have a choice but to stay overnight. Of course they could stay in a hotel or B&B - but some people can't afford this.

I think those questions are all relevant.

When our children were younger we would have to invite ourselves (all 4 of us) to stay over for a couple of nights when we went to visit pil as we couldn't drive there and back in a day.

Since there's very little info in the op it's impossible to tell if this is cheeky or just loving relatives wanting to see op and family.

Egeegogxmv · 13/06/2021 13:41

@Catflapkitkat

Even with a hotel you check if there is availability.
Exactly, they are behaving as if they have a right of access to your home on their terms? It's your private home your safe sanctuary and they're treating it as if they can just walk in and out as they please without consulting you or seeking your permission.
osbertthesyrianhamster · 13/06/2021 13:43

Very rude of them. Start having plans whenever they pull this stunt.

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